THE LIBRARY WAS FULL OF STUDENTS WHO WERE CRAMMED OVER THEIR TABLES.
It was almost an intimidating sight to see everyone work so hard while it was only noon and I was all-but stumbling inside now, eyes filled with sleep. Each seat was filled with someone and if anyone had ever walked through a college library, it wasn't just me who found it embarrassing to try and find an empty table somewhere, right?
My books were hugged to my chest tightly and I rounded the corner, coming across another array of tables. While my eyes were scanning left and right, landing on each bent-over head that was either furiously scribbling something down on their notepads or typing up an assignment on their laptop. The building was stuffy but every single window was closed and even though the rain was peltering outside, it felt like over fifty degrees in here. The hoodie and jacket I was wearing were beginning to stick to me from the warmth and I knew if I didn't take it off within the next few minutes, I was going to end up sweating profusely. My feet shuffled farther down the library, leading to the even quieter areas where it felt as though breathing wasn't allowed. I made sure to tiptoe my way around, blushing when a head would jerk up to see me awkwardly walking through.
And then my gaze landed on Milo. It was like a train crashing into me all of a sudden and I froze in my step; unsure of what to do. He was leaning over a desk, one elbow on the table while the other was casually stuffed into his pocket. Even though there was a 'no-speaking' rule in here, he threw his head back and chuckled at something the girl whispered to him. She clamped a hand over her mouth and her cheeks grew a cherry red shade while Milo flashed her his signature smile and nodded in agreement to whatever she had said. His bag was thrown over his shoulder casually, half-open and crumpled notes spilling out of the sides. As though he could feel the weight of my stare on him, he glanced up for a quick moment and locked his eyes on me. He didn't change his expression, one of mirth and joy, he simply just looked back down and smiled at the girl in her seat. It was a blow to the chest – he knew me better than anyone, had grown up together and I wasn't even offered a wave. It felt like I had made eye-contact with a stranger; someone who was completely uninterested in who you were.
I worked up the courage to walk past him then and our shoulders brushed in the lightest of touches before I was gone and half-way down the new aisle of library shelves. My breath was held and baited for some reason, as though I was expecting him to reach out and stop me. Perhaps say a hello - but nothing happened. He didn't look at me and I didn't look at him. I wasn't sure why there was a crushing feeling of disappointment in my chest. Maybe that was why we shouldn't hold such high expectations of others – for they were always going to let us down in the end. Milo was the brother I never had so not only did I feel as though I was losing a friend, but also a family member.
Then I stumbled across the one person I was searching for. She was bent over her desk like everyone else but there was something about her that stood out to me. I wasn't sure if that was because I was in love with her and everything ordinary about her became extraordinary to me. Her brows were furrowed tightly and every few seconds she would lean back in her seat with a perplexed expression before blinking in rapid succession and getting back to her work. I smiled from the distance and knew there wasn't another person in the world that I would ever be able to look at like that and feel the way I did now. It was overwhelming; consuming my every fibre but in the way that felt so good and addicting that I never wanted to stop.
Not wanting to appear like some kind of creep who was just standing there and staring, I closed the distance between us and when my shadow loomed over her desk, she glanced up and her entire face lit up with a soft beam.
"Hey," I whispered with a smile and pulled out the seat beside her, "Thanks for saving this for me."
"No problem," she waved me off, "I saw your text earlier saying you wanted to get some work done here so I thought I'd dump my stuff on the chair next to me so no-one sat here."
"Clever," I noted with an impish grin. I dumped all of my books on the table and released a tired sigh. There was so much work that I needed to complete in a short amount of time but I didn't have the energy to do any of it. So, I glanced around the library instead - hoping that seeing others study would motivate me to do it. Louella's pen was scribbling furiously across her page and every few seconds, she'd glance back up at her laptop screen where her lecture notes were displayed.
"Why don't you print them out?" I leaned closer to whisper to her. Startled, she blinked at the sudden question and shrugged her shoulders.
"I learn faster when it's in my own writing. That, and I'm using this as a method to procrastinate longer so I don't have to do actual work," she confessed.
"Ah, I see," I hummed and bit down on my lip to hold back the large smile that always threatened to surface when she was around.
"Come on, do some work," she pointed her pen at me, "Don't tell me you came here just sit and stare out the window?"
"What if I say I came to keep you company?" I asked with a suggestive smirk and Louella rolled her eyes but even she let her grin loose. She tucked a strand of dark hair behind her ear and shook her head in disbelief at the cheesiness of my lines. I muffled laugh and held my hands up in defense and gestured to the pile of notes and books in front of me as proof that I was going to work.
"Good," Louella murmured under her breath, "Remember, you need to pass so we can head into the second semester together."
"I won't fail you then," I assured her and nudged her shoulder, "I can't not have my lecture-buddy with me next semester. I'll die of boredom."
Louella elbowed my side and I loved seeing the joy and humor on her face. It was like a small daisy peeking out in the middle of a thunderstorm and it made me happy that I was the one who had elicited that kind of response out of her. She raised an eyebrow at me and gestured towards the work in front of me when I got lost in her eyes and I sighed at the thought of actually having to concentrate. How was I supposed to do that when she was sitting right there?
She hated her eyes. I remembered she would always tell me that they were ugly and boring; that there was nothing captivating about them. She wanted blue or green eyes - the kind that stood out at a first glance. But I loved them. I loved how they would turn a rich, golden honey under the sun. I loved how they reminded me of soft caramel and made my insides feel warm. I loved how they would shine brighter than any city and I saw forever in them where she didn't. But most importantly, they weren't just brown eyes, they were her brown eyes.
Her phone buzzed on the table and she peeked a quick glance at it before picking it up and typing out a quick response. Even though curiosity burned at me, I didn't move my head a single inch but noted how she clicked the screen off and laid it back down next to her.
A comfortable silence passed between us. Slowly, I became engrossed in my studies and I blocked out everything around me. I wasn't sure how much time had passed while I was looking over notes, completing the assigned reading and starting the research for a few of my assignments. For once, I was becoming on top of my work instead of behind and it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders.
The peaceful stillness didn't last as long as I had hoped and when a dark shadow loomed over the table, we both glanced up. A frown knitted between my brows and I didn't recognize the guy standing there. He was short with green eyes and wavy blonde hair that suited his angular face. He was bundled up in a black hoodie and a red bag slung over his shoulder and he had a friendly expression on his face while he lifted a hand to wave at us. I blinked in rapid succession and bewilderment clouded my features at who he was.
"Hey Lou," he smiled at her, the kind of sly smile that I hated - although he offered me a nod of acknowledgment. For some reason, I felt intimidated by his presence but in order to not come across as rude, I forced a tight-lipped smile back at him.
"Ren," she blinked and cast me a side glance before exhaling a confused chuckle, "What are you doing here?"
"We have our project to work on," he reminded her in a low voice, "I texted you but I don't think you saw it. I was just passing by when I saw you so I was thinking we could work on it here for a while and get some work done? If you're up for it of course."
"Oh, right. . ." she trailed off with a wince, "I'm kind of in the middle of something right now though."
"Just thirty minutes?" he pleaded with her, "I have class in the next hour anyway so I can't stay long. We can just pick the topic we want to work on and draft up a few introductory lines. It's hard to catch you these days."
Louella scratched the back of her head and glanced between Ren and I. It felt awkward to be in the middle of the two of them, as though I was interrupting something. He was friendly-looking and gave off a welcoming aura. . . that I hated. He was the kind of guy that would probably have given his arm and leg away for free and a twinge of irritation pricked at my chest but I knew I was being unreasonable.
"I'll be right back Étienne, okay?" she sighed and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear when it fell forward once more, "Will you keep an eye on my things? I'll just be over there."
She gestured with her hand to the table across from us where dark computers laid; untouched. At least she wasn't going to a completely different area of the library where I wouldn't be able see anything. I didn't want for it to come across in a creepy manner but more in the way that I didn't know or trust Ren but it was clear Louella felt comfortable enough to sit right beside him as their shoulders were only inches apart. My jaw tightened and I clamped down on it while my pen irately jerked across my notepad.
"Well, well, well. Look who's actually studying for once."
Milo's amused tone of voice whispered next to me and I groaned silently. He was the last person I wanted to see or talk to right now but he always had his ways of popping up when I least wanted it. Even though I wasn't facing him, I could almost feel the smirk that was splayed across his lips.
"I'm busy, Milo."
"Too busy for your old friend?" he grinned and plopped down in the seat beside me. He pushed Louella's belongings to one side and dumped his bag on the table. I ground my teeth together and pressed more pressure down on my pen to keep my irritation at bay.
"You've been avoiding me," he commented casually, "I texted you and I saw you look at it but you didn't reply."
"What are you, stalking me?" I muttered with a roll of my eyes.
"Just passing by," he shrugged, "Had some business to do in here before class."
"Business flirting?" I raised an eyebrow in question and shot him a side-glance before sighing and looking back down.
Milo's mouth twitched at the reminder and I had to force myself to swallow back the queasy and nauseating sensation in my stomach at the sight.
"It is what it is man," he raised his hands in the air in defence and chortled, "I was just giving her what she wanted."
"Look – I'm trying to work here," I slammed my pen down and faced him with a red face and furrowed brows, "Can you either be quiet or leave?"
"Jeez Étienne," Milo laughed at my reaction, "Why are you so serious? Chill, I'll leave if you want to work that much. Just thought I'd drop by and say hi."
There was an underlying snark in his voice but the guilt still settled on my shoulders with a heavy weight and I flopped my head back when I started feeling bad for how I talked to him. But there was the lingering thought that I couldn't rely on him anymore for he simply knew what I wanted to hear and would say that. I didn't want to listen to his empty promises or explanations – I wanted to see it in his actions and the way he treated others.
"Sorry, okay?" I ran a hand down my face, "Just been a tiring day, I guess."
"It's all good," he shrugged and patted me on the shoulder, "We all have those days. Everything good?"
"Yeah, yeah," I sighed and couldn't stop my eyes from trailing back over to where Louella and Ren sat. She was bent over the table with concentrated eyes and scribbling down notes while Ren had pulled out his laptop and was pointing things out for her to look at. They weren't close anymore and she had somehow shifted her chair much farther away from his – and even though it made me feel more comfortable that they weren't mere inches away from each other's face, I still wanted her next to me. Selfish, but as humans weren't we all a little?
"Who's he?" Milo nodded his head when he followed my gaze, "Is that Lou?"
"Mhm," I hummed, "They're doing some project for class."
"Huh," he cocked his head to one side and his eyes narrowed an inch on them. He didn't pass another comment but I could almost see the gears turning inside his head and he analysed the situation with a much fiercer intensity than I had expected. Frowning, I watched through cautious eyes at the minuscule way his facial expression would change every few seconds. Such as, the corners of his eyes crinkled, but not in humour and the corners of his lips turned downwards. There was a dead appearance in his eyes and his finger started to tap on the wooden table. It had a rhythmic beat to it and started to pick up pace until it suddenly stopped.
"I should go," he abruptly said and hauled his bag over his shoulder, "I'll see you around, Ét."
"Oh, okay –"
I didn't even get to finish my sentence before he dashed away. His back was hunched over, exuding an animosity that I rarely witnessed with Milo. Confused, I stared after him, wondering what to take from our brief encounter. Was it his family that was stressing him out? Was there something going on that I wasn't aware of that was making him act this strangely?
Something was off with both of my best-friends and I may have been a quiet person. . . but I wasn't blind.
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