It all started when in 10th grade. I remember sitting at the table, Angie doing her homework and me watching TV. I felt a buzz on my leg and looked down to see a message from Theo.
Tea-o: Phillip, I need to talk to you. I need advice.
Theo rarely came to me for help like this. With shaking hands, I replied to her.
Me: Yeah what's up?
Tea-o: I like a guy and I'm scared to tell him. It's Joseph Alston. What do I do?
Me: Just ease into it. Start with forming a friendship. Look, I need to go. I'll text you later. Bye
Tea-o: Oh, bye!
I ran upstairs to my room and into the bathroom. I slid down the door and onto the cold, white, tile floor. Hot tears streamed down my face as I buried my head in my knees.
"Why him? What does he have that I don't?" I screamed to myself.
Sitting in the counter next to the sink was a razor. With shaking hands, I grabbed it and pressed it onto my tan skin. I made multiple lines of cuts, crimson red blood spilling out from all of them.
My salty tears mixed in with it, making the substance turn a pinkish color. The pain slowly turned into pleasure.
"Phillip! Father's home! He brought pizza!" Angie called from downstairs. I wiped my face and my arm, hiding the blade in the cabinet.
"Coming!" I grabbed a sweatshirt and threw it on. It's going to have to cover the marks for a bit.
With shaking steps, I gripped the wooden rail as I walked down the carpeted steps.
The smell of familiar New York pizza met my nose. Dad and Angie were standing in the kitchen, getting their slices of pizza.
"Hey bud." Dad ruffled my hair.
"Where's Pops?" I asked, sitting at the kitchen table.
"Working still." Dad rolled his eyes. "He wants to put all his grades in tonight." He slid me a plate of pizza. I thanked him and started eating.
No one needed to know about the cuts, no one.
~A year later~
Nothing has changed much. Theo still likes Joseph and now, she loves him. Cutting became a normal thing for me. Almost daily I would do at least one cut.
Now, I really needed it. With George being abusive and my sister telling us she's pregnant, it was like my safe place.
But when I was with Daniel, he found the scars. He held me as I cried and cried in his arms. He kissed my head and I promised to stop.
It's hard being clean. Especially with my sister. But I need to be there for her. For the baby. I'm the baby's only uncle. They need me.
I have to stay strong, for everyone.