I drove around aimlessly after I left my apartment.
After I left Jennie.
I left Jennie behind and I miss her so much already.
How in the world am I going to get through this?
I'm not.
I can't imagine not feeling this destroyed.
I feel like someone ripped my heart out and replaced it with nothing.
There's an empty hole in my chest that can only be filled by one person.
Too bad that person doesn't want to be with me.
Ok, ok, Jennie does want to be with me, but under her terms and conditions and as much as I wish that wasn't the case, I have to accept that it is.
I ended up driving over to my parent's house.
I could have called Rosé and something tells me Bobby might know already or he's about to find out what happened but my parent's seemed like the best choice.
I've been sitting in my car for the last half hour without moving.
I physically can't move.
I'm paralyzed.
By pain and heartache.
My limbs feel so heavy.
I've spent the time since I arrived at my parent's in a complete daze.
I went from thinking I had the girl of dreams to having her ripped from my grasp so fast it made my head spin.
And my heart shatter.
Into a million fucking pieces.
I stare off into space as I go over all the fantastic times I've shared with Jennie.
Each and every one plays in my mind like a movie montage.
Us laughing.
Us smiling.
Us singing.
Us dancing.
Us kissing.
Us making love.
These moments are set to a love song I can't make out.
But no matter how many times I try to give myself a happy ending, my montage always finishes on the same scene.
Me, walking away from Jennie.
She stood there with the saddest most pathetic expression on her face.
It almost made me turn back.
I couldn't though.
I couldn't when I knew that eventually we'd reach the same point if I chose to live the way Jennie wanted me to.
Whether it's now or it's later, I'd still be the one walking away from her.
Because I don't have it in me to live any other way than as myself.
I tried being straight.
I tried being Sexy Jisoo.
I tried to stop falling down.
I tried and I failed.
Each and every time.
I can only be me.
Jisoo.
And despite the agony I'm in, I hope one day Jennie can live as her true self.
Even if I'm not there to see it.
What I wouldn't give to have that happen with me by her side.
There's a soft tapping on my window and then I hear my mom's voice. "Jisoo?"
I twist my head and squint at her because of the bright California sunlight.
I wish it wasn't so bright when I feel so dark inside.
"Hey, mom," I say in a voice devoid of any emotion.
"Are you ok?" she asks as her forehead crinkles with concern. "You've been out here for quite some time."
I nod my head because speaking is taking too much effort.
My mom doesn't believe me.
And for good reason.
I've never been a good liar and that's another reason why I couldn't agree to what Jennie asked of me.
There's a chance I would slip up and the very idea that I could be the one to ruin Jennie's career is too awful to think about.
The guilt I'd feel would be overwhelming.
There are so many reasons why I know I made the right decision.
But there's also one huge reason why I begin questioning myself.
Jennie.
Maybe being with her is enough for me to change my mind.
Maybe, but it's not.
This sucks!
So fucking much!
I follow my mom inside and I let her lead me to the sofa in the den.
"What's wrong?" my mom asks gently.
Everything.
My world has crashed down around me.
I don't respond.
I just stare at my mom.
She takes my face in the palm of her hand.
I can see the pain she's in because she's worried about me.
I open my mouth to tell her I'm fine but I quickly close it because I'm not.
My lips quiver as every emotion I've been suppressing since I left Jennie hours ago hits me at once.
I throw myself at my mom as I break down completely.
She grabs hold of my trembling and sobbing body and that makes me cry harder.
I bury my head against her shoulder and I let go of it all.
My mom says nothing but she rubs my back like she did when I broke my leg as a kid.
Or when I didn't get the lead in the play in junior high.
Or when I was cheated on.
Through every heartbreaking moment in my life, my mom has been the one to comfort me and that's why I came here today.
Because I need her to get me through this.
I need her strength to lift me up when I feel so damn weak.
And it doesn't go unnoticed that Jennie never had her own mother to go to.
To be the one she could count on, through anything.
I can't think about that now, I don't have it in me to put myself in her shoes.
I want to say that I'm a big enough person to look outside myself right now, but I'm too consumed by my own pain to do that.
When my sobbing has subsided to the occasional hiccup, my mom pulls back. Her eyes are watery but she's the pillar of strength I need her to be. "Do you want to tell me what's wrong?"
I shake my head because I don't have the energy to.
"Ok," my mom replies even though I know she wants to force the issue. "How about I fix you up a big bowl of ice cream and maybe when you're done, you can tell me?" She gets rid of the remaining tears on my face but she shouldn't have bothered when I know my crying isn't close to being done.
I lean back against the couch and hug my knees to my chest. "Can I have a hot fudge sauce?" I sniff.
My mom stands up and flashes me a small smile. "You can have anything you want." She kisses my forehead before she disappears into the kitchen.
No, I can't.
The only thing I want is Jennie.
And I've lost her.
For good.
My mom returns a few minutes later with two bowls and when she hands me mine I mumble a thanks to her.
We eat in silence.
After all the talking that I've done today, I need the silence because my head is so noisy.
My heart is saying that I should give in to Jennie.
My head is saying that if I do, I'll end up heartbroken regardless.
It's a lose-lose situation.
When I'm almost done the ice cream I mash what's left into a soft mushy mess like I always do.
But I don't feel at all comforted or better.
If anything, I feel worse.
The reality is, I'm going to feel this way for a long time and no amount of ice cream will make the healing process go faster.
My mom takes my empty bowl when I'm done and heads back to the kitchen.
I shiver and it's not from the ice cream.
I miss the warmth of Jennie.
I miss her eyes.
I miss that nose crinkle.
I miss her smell.
I miss her touch.
I miss her voice.
I miss her lips.
I miss her arms.
I miss her smile
I miss everything about her.
When my mom rejoins me on the couch she turns on the TV and I'm so grateful she's not pushing me to talk to her.
I lay my head on her lap like I did so many times as a kid and stare blankly at the screen.
I feel my mom's fingers running through my hair.
I feel her grasp my shoulder to let me know she's here for me.
I feel the tension in her body because I'm not opening up.
About an hour and a half after my mom turned the television on, I take the remote from her and turn it off.
I sit up and fill her in on what's happened since we had lunch.
I cry, again, which is not surprising.
My mom nods sympathetically, asks a few questions but for the most part she lets me do all the talking.
"I'm so sorry, Jisoo," she says after I'm finished. She takes my weeping body back in her arms to help me even though I'm beyond help.
"I know you are," I whisper as I close my eyes.
"Maybe Jennie just needs time," my mom speculates. "She probably didn't expect..."
I scoot back so I can look right at my mom. "Don't," I say quite forcefully. "Don't show me her side, please, I can't deal with that. I need you to be on my side, please just be on my side."
I'm sure Jennie has her own side
I'm sure her reasons make a lot of sense to her.
But I can't see her side of things now.
Maybe later, but not right now.
"I'm always on your side, baby girl," my mom replies sympathetically. "And whatever you need from me, I'll do."
"I need you to make this stop hurting," I choke out before I lose it yet again.
I didn't know it was possible to cry this much.
To feel like the tears will never end.
"I wish I could," my mom whispers as she takes hold of me. "I wish that more than anything."
I fall asleep shortly afterwards and when I wake up I'm wrapped in a blanket on the sofa.
My eyes feel like they have weights attached to them.
It's the early evening and I can't see my mom anywhere.
I try to stretch the kinks out of my body with no success.
I hurt all over.
Every inch of me.
I stand up and wipe the sleep out of my eyes.
My head is in a fog though.
I nearly trip over my purse on my way to find my mom.
My heart that is surprisingly still in my chest starts to beat a hair faster because I wonder if Jennie called while I was sleeping.
She could have.
To tell me she's sorry, she loves me and we can work this out.
I swallow the lump out of my throat but it reappears seconds later. My breathing becomes more labored as I reach down to pull my phone out of my purse.
I slowly pull it out of its case as the anticipation becomes almost too much for me to take.
I let out a heavy sigh when I see that I missed no calls.
Jennie didn't call.
I'm not saying she should have but that doesn't mean I can't hope that she did.
I toss my phone back in my purse as I try very hard not to feel rejected by her lack of calling.
Not an easy task when I already feel rejected by Jennie.
I find my mom in the kitchen cooking dinner.
I take my usual seat by the island in the middle and lean against my hands. "Hey."
My mom looks up. "I was just about to wake you." She wipes her hands on her pants as she walks over to me. "How are you feeling?"
"The same," I mumble.
Demolished.
My mom kisses my forehead again. "Understandable." She gives my shoulder a gentle squeeze before returning to the stove. "I made your favorite meal."
Just like Jennie did.
At prom.
Ugh.
"I'm not that hungry," I reply and it's not because of the memory of Jennie cooking for me. I just have no appetite. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be," she assures me. "I can send you home with a big care package and you can eat it whenever you want."
Home.
Where I left Jennie.
She could be there right now waiting for me to return.
Yeah right!
"Thanks," I say in a monotone voice.
"You're more than welcome to stay the night," my mom offers. "Your dad is out of town and I'm sure you don't want to be alone right now."
Alone.
That's exactly what I am.
All alone.
Sigh.
Her offer is tempting.
I shake my head. "I think I'd rather just be in my own bed tonight."
My bed.
The bed I shared with Jennie.
The bed where I thought I made her mine.
Double ugh.
I actually want to be by myself.
And that's the only reason why I'm not staying the night.
Ok, ok, there's another reason but I don't want to admit it.
My mom doesn't argue with me, instead she finishes making dinner and when she's done she wraps up my portion.
Every once in a while I catch her watching me out of concern and love.
When she's not looking, I watch her and something inside me makes me stand up and go over to her.
I give her the biggest hug. "Thank you," I whisper as I squeeze her tight.
"For what?" my mom asks while returning the hug.
"For being the best mom a girl could ask for," I explain. "For being there whenever I've needed you and for giving me your love no matter what the circumstance."
She's beyond amazing and I don't know if she realizes how much I appreciate having her for my mother.
"You don't need to thank me," she replies modestly.
Yes, I do.
Because I'm lucky.
I know that.
I have a mother that so many people don't have.
Like Jennie.
She made me realize how much I take my mother for granted.
"Yeah, I do," I counter as I break our embrace. "If I ever have kids I hope I'm half the mother you've been to me."
"Oh, Jisoo," my mom softly exclaims with moist eyes. "I love you so much."
"I love you too, mom," I say before giving her another hug.
"I just want you to be happy," she tells me sincerely. "That's all any parent wants for their child."
I want that too.
So much.
But she's wrong.
Not every parent feels that way, or if they do, they don't always show it.
I got dealt a pretty sweet hand when it came to my parents and if my dad was here I'd be thanking him as well.
I leave a little while later, with my care package, after assuring my mom that I'd call her if I needed anything, day or night.
I feel bad because I know she won't sleep well tonight when I'm this upset but I can't fake being happy when it's obvious I'm not.
I'll call her in the morning to let her know how I'm doing.
I head back home and it feels like it was forever ago that I left.
Once I step in the elevator from my parking garage, I start getting really nervous.
I left my parents' because a small part of me is convinced Jennie hasn't left.
It's stupid, I know.
Ludicrous even.
I shouldn't get my hopes up.
I shouldn't but I do.
When the elevator reaches my floor I stop breathing completely.
I squeeze my eyes shut as the doors open.
Oh god!
My stomach tightens.
I feel sick.
And when I open my eyes to see nobody outside my door I nearly lose it.
Until I remember that I left Jennie inside.
Oh god!
Each step takes a great amount of effort.
Each second that ticks by seems to take an eternity.
I stick my key in the lock and slowly turn the handle.
Jennie doesn't rip the door open.
Jennie doesn't take me in her arms.
Jennie doesn't tell me that she loves me and we're going to be ok.
Jennie doesn't do any of those things because she's not in my apartment.
She's not here.
I barely get the door closed before I have another melt down.
One of many more to come.
I'm never going to be ok.
Not without Jennie in my life.
Never.
_______________
I just want to give Jisoo the biggest hug 😭😭