WHEN I OPEN MY eyes, the first thing I see makes me feel like I'm dreaming.
Tessa is lying in front of me. She's asleep, her mouth open slightly, her face no more than an inch from mine. She has her hand on my cheek, her feet tangled with mine and she's holding my other hand close to her.
She looks utterly beautiful and all I can do is stare and hope this isn't a dream, as I can't use either of my hands to pinch myself.
Her body is flushed as close to mine as possible, and I have my hand on her hip, which I don't want to move in case I wake her. I'm still shirtless, after my big reveal, but I was now starting to get cold. And I'm torn between heat and not wanting to disturb her.
I choose not to move.
Instead, I smile, reliving what just happened.
***
I KIND OF KNEW, or at least I had an inkling, that she felt the same way I do. But I was never expecting her to turn around and say I love you. Especially after what I'd just admitted. I wouldn't have been surprised if she hadn't been able to handle it and just walked away. But then again, this is Tessa we're talking about, and I know Tessa can handle absolutely anything.
I've been in love with Tessa for years, and it was about time I admitted it both to myself and to her, and it seemed she did feel the same, no matter what I told myself. I'd taken a big gamble, and it had paid off.
Whenever I've said it to Dee I know I haven't meant it. I didn't have that same warm, fuzzy feeling in my belly whenever I saw or spoke to her, so I therefore know it wasn't true love.
I think I loved her in a first girlfriend kind of way. But, to be honest, I only said it back yesterday because I felt like I had to, rather than wanting to.
The 'I love you' I said to Tessa though? That I meant.
With Tessa it has always been easy. And now I had faith it was going to be like being in love with your best friend. I mean, that's exactly what Tessa is to me: my best friend. She always has been and she always will be, no matter what happens beyond this point.
I felt awful when I'd seen Dee with Callum.
I grind my teeth at the thought, not believing she'd done that to me when she's been giving me stick about Tessa for all this time.
And worse, she'd been cheating on me for months. And I hadn't even realised.
I was annoyed at myself as well. The fact she's been sneaking around with Callum for so long showed just how much attention I had actually been paying her. If only I'd opened my eyes... I would have seen it. She'd practically given me a get out of jail free card, but I just never took it.
I shake my head at myself, wondering at how I could have been so unbelievably stupid.
But then my thoughts turn to Tessa. She'd clearly got very good at hiding how she felt because of the fact I was with Dee.
But now that I was thinking about it, I started to realise why she'd been acting differently. More often I'd noticed she no longer hung out with us as a group, especially when it was just Matt and me. She did when Millie was there, and I hadn't thought anything of it at the time, but it was now all beginning to make sense. And again I couldn't believe how oblivious I'd been to it all. It was actually laughable how much of an idiot I'd been.
Millie knew. And Charlotte. The two of them make comments all the time, and I'd heard Tessa denying them. They both clearly respect Tessa enough to let her make her own decisions. Millie is perceptive on those kinds of things, and I ultimately had her to thank for today. I can't help but be a little annoyed at her for not voicing her opinions earlier.
However, the more I thought about it, the more I realised she had talked to me about it, numerous times, and I just ignored her. I told her to either be quiet or to keep her fantasies to herself... or I just didn't say anything.
But the jump from friendship to relationship wasn't the only stumbling block.
These scars were the biggest stumbling block, and I knew whoever ended up being the one in my life, would be the first person I told. I knew I'd have to tell someone eventually, because it wasn't something I could hide very easily, but Tessa's reaction today had been so much more than I'd ever expected.
She'd reacted, yes - she was upset and angry and I'd have been worried if she hadn't - but she hadn't run away from me. And that was the opposite of what I'd thought would happen.
She didn't run. And more she was still here, sleeping in my arms, gently moving her fingers on my cheek and the feeling was exquisite.
She had pushed slightly, to know how long it had been going on... But the point is she didn't abandon me in my hour of need, and that meant I knew I could trust her when we got to the harder questions later.
Tessa was that first step towards telling someone more substantial, like the police. Tessa must have felt helpless when she saw them, but she doesn't understand just how much she's helped already. Yes, she didn't have the authority to confront my dad, and she certainly didn't have the power to get us taken away from him for good, but her knowing means I'm no longer shouldering it alone, and that means the world to me. I didn't want her to get me out of it, and the last thing I wanted was for her to get hurt because of me.
I should have said something to someone; four years is too long. But I always found a reason not to. And now, with my eighteenth birthday being not so far away, I'm thinking I could last and get out from under him on my own and under my own steam.
And as it now wasn't long, that was the main reason I didn't want to say anything. It was because once it was out there, that's it. I couldn't take it back.
People would rightfully start asking questions, it would get back to Dad. Then he'd come after me, or worse he'd finally go one step beyond crazy and go after Mum... or Millie.
If school found out, under safeguarding for both mine and Millie's welfare and wellbeing, we'd be taken away from our parents. Both of them. We'd be sent to live in a halfway house or something and that was best case scenario. Worst case we'd be split up.
In any case, my plan was a relatively good one. Dad was spending so much time away these days that I reckon we'd only see him four or five times by the time we got to next October anyway. I'd turn 18, I'd get my inheritance and I'd be able to provide for all of us.
I'd get us all out.
Dad hadn't always been this way. We used to be really close, and before the switch flipped, he was genuinely fun to be around. A tiny part of me is hoping he'll see sense and come back to us, but I know it sounds ridiculous at this point. He is getting worse, and there's nothing anyone can do.
Before the scars on my back, there had been questionable times when he'd snapped before, and the first time will forever be branded into my memory, just because it came completely out of nowhere.
I remember I was about to turn 13. We were watching the football while the girls were out shopping, and Dad had had a couple of drinks. By this point the drinking had become a normal occurrence, and being passed out by four in the afternoon after having one too many was also beginning to become normal behaviour too.
We'd been watching Chelsea vs. Manchester United and I remember making a rude gesture or swearing at the TV; nothing I'd ever been called up on before. I'd been joking. And I certainly would have thought about filtering myself around him, because I never felt like I had to before.
Without thinking twice, he boxed me round the ear, knocking me off the sofa and into the coffee table, which knocked the wind out of me.
I couldn't breath and I could feel the side of my face puffing up from the impact, but I didn't know what else to do other than pick myself up and lock myself in my room for the rest of the day. Luckily for him, no one was home, but I realise now I should never have been so afraid to say something to Mum, or to anyone.
He had had a few, but I know now that can't be an excuse.
The next morning, he came to my door and apologised, saying it would never happen again. I didn't know whether to believe him or not, but when I did finally come down for breakfast I could see he felt awful about what he did. And as he swore it would never happen again, I trusted him and I thought that would be that.
The next alarm bell was him lying to Mum. When she got home later that day, he told her I'd been mugged on the way home. How else would you explain the black eye and bruised ribs. And not knowing any better, I just went along with it.
Mum was now none-the-wiser about any of it, neither was Millie. Neither of them saw it happen so it was be my word against Dad's, and of course Mum would more likely believe Dad.
I never truly understood why it happened, so I naively trusted him, and believed things would continue in relative normalcy.
But after about a year, I began to realise he wasn't going to be keeping his promise.
In the space of six months, he'd broken down my door twice to get me downstairs to do my chores, or my homework, and he'd hit me twice more before he was finally caught in the act.
He was caught after striping me four times after I trampled muck in from the garden and onto the cream living room carpet.
Mum flew off the handle when she found out.
She found Millie putting salt water and Savlon on my back after it happened and she was screaming at him. I could hear her from upstairs, saying she'd take us away from him if he ever did anything like that again. I wished she would anyway.
That worked for a little while, but by then he was beyond help.
Her threats had fallen on deaf ears and he had well and truly snapped. His feelings and any good thought he had towards us were all gone. They had disappeared and been buried along with Grandad, and now we were left with a foul-mouthed violent, bad-tempered version of him.
After Mum had caught him, he didn't hit me again for a little while.
I steered clear of him mainly, finding excuses to not be at home, or just making sure I was with someone at all times when I was there. But about five months before our GCSEs, he struck again.
He striped me five more times when he'd caught me red-handed in his alcohol cabinet. Since then it was a punch to the stomach whenever he could, or a box around the ears, regardless of whether I'd actually done anything or not.
I shudder involuntarily, wanting to forget about it. I wanted to focus on the emerald green eyes that were now staring back at me.
***
"HEY," I WHISPER, LEANING forward to kiss her lips.
She puckers them and I feel her smiling.
They're really soft, and from the way she hangs onto my neck to keep my lips firmly planted there, I could tell she's just as happy as I am.
"Hey back," she whispers back after she lets my lips go.
She looks so adorable before she burrows close to me, tucking our arms into our bodies, holding one of my hands with both of hers. Her hands are really warm and the heat in comparison to my cold skin makes me shiver.
I welcome it for a few moments, but when I feel one of her fingers trail the marks on my chest I freeze, realising what she's doing.
I flinch away and sit on the edge of my bed and I see her curl into a ball in response.
"Please don't," I warn as I get up to find a t-shirt.
I didn't mean to say it so harshly, I just didn't want this to now take the forefront of our relationship. I start to think maybe I shouldn't have showed her, and just told her. She'd already seen them once, but her drawn out reaction is now making me nervous.
"Sorry," she whispers.
She sits up and tucks her legs into her chest, hugging her knees. She looks so sad, sat alone in the middle of my huge bed. "I just... I still can't believe you've been going through all this alone."
After slipping my t-shirt back on, I join her again. I sit behind her, stretching out my legs, framing her as she leans back gingerly against my chest, stroking the sides her thighs with my thumbs.
"Please don't dwell on it," I whisper, edging forward slightly so I can kiss her neck. "I don't."
I hope she does pull out of this, otherwise I really will regret showing her. I didn't want to be feeling this way on day one, when it was supposed to be perfect.
She closes her eyes but moves her head, rocking back slightly before rocking back forwards, putting her hands on my legs. "I... I know you've trusted me with this, and I'm so sorry I'm acting like this, but it's just all a bit... overwhelming."
"Overwhelming?" I repeat the word, hoping she didn't mean the word in the negative sense, and that she's about to run.
She nods, sniffing as I sense impending tears.
"I don't want to be like this, I promise. I want to help..." she coughs out a sob, wiping her nose unattractively on the back of her hand, but then finally finishes her sentence through a raspy breath, "But I can't."
I smile at her, and she gives me a look of confusion.
"Why are you grinning at me?" She sniffs, wiping her eyes.
I lean forward, kissing her forehead. "You have no idea how much you're already helping," I say, pulling her forward and unravelling her legs, placing them on either side of my hips.
"How am I helping? I've done nothing but cry at you," she shakes her head as new tears get wiped away.
"By just by being here. Any normal person would have been like nope, and dashed back out the door as soon as they saw them," I assure her, stroking her cheek with my thumb and I see her smile grow slightly.
"I'd never run." She puts her hand on my cheek.
I smile, "Exactly. See, just by listening to me and you just knowing about it... I'm now no longer alone."
"You're not... Wait. Don't Millie and your mum know?" Her eyes are suddenly alarmed.
"They do..." I pause, knowing there's no easy way to say this. "But... Mum only knows about the scars on my back."
I look down and wince.
"What?!" She bounces backwards awkwardly narrowly avoiding kicking me in the face as she shuffles backwards to rest her back on the headboard.
I can see we're going to have to do this now, so I steel myself for the cascade of questions.
"Tess, I know it sounds awful. Believe me. But I want it this way because if people find out that Mum knew all about it... well, they'll take us away from her too."
She starts to say something but then closes her mouth.
"Away from Dad is fine... Great, even. But we don't want to be away from Mum. She's done nothing wrong." Maybe Mum's a bit absent but I would rather her than Dad.
She closes her eyes and rubs her forehead frustratedly as I move close to her again as she leans on my headboard.
"It doesn't make any sense. Surely she can help you get out of this? For want of a better way of putting this, you guys are loaded. Why can't you all just leave now?" She asks, clearly running through all the options in her head.
I shake my head. "She can't. Mum's money is all tied up with Dad's. She wouldn't be able to provide for us and there's no way Mum would win a lawsuit if she went against him in court. Then if Dad was forced to fight for us in court, he'd win and we'd have to live with him." The thought makes me go cold and I visibly shudder.
She looks up and she has an incredulous look on her face.
"So, what's your plan then?" She sits up slightly and crosses her legs, but she leans forward and picks up the hand I've just placed on her lower leg. "It seems like you have one."
I shuffle closer so I'm no longer leaning uncomfortably forward. I smile, and she gives me a small smile in return.
I clear my throat, "My plan is to turn 18."
She snorts, "Well... That's not too long away I suppose." She doesn't sound convinced, but she doesn't shoot the idea down either.
"Exactly," I take both her hands in mine. "When I'm 18 I get my inheritance, which is more than enough to pay for the rest of school for us both, for a small house somewhere, just the three of us. It's enough to get away from him," I smile slightly, knowing that day is 11 months and 13 days away. "I know it's not loads, but we don't need loads. And as long as we're together we'll be alright."
I know what she's thinking, and I've thought it myself. She's going to ask me to tell the police again.
Part of me wants to go to the police. Maybe, once we're out from him, I can. But the only thing stopping me right now is the fact our family would be split up. I couldn't bear to live a moment without either of them. Mum and Millie are the only reasons I've made it this far.
"Well... You know what I said before still stands right?"
"What's that?" She said so many things that have helped, I can't pinpoint just one.
"That you guys can all come and stay at ours, whenever you like. We have two spare rooms, and you can all move in permanently."
I lean forward and kiss her, keeping her hands firmly in mine. "Might need to ask your dad first, Tess," I chuckle.
She shakes her head. "Nah, I don't. He'd be fine with it. He loves having you guys." She laughs, a proper laugh. "I'm not even joking. On the nights you're not staying he always asks if you're coming," she snorts and throws her head back onto my headboard. "Sometimes I think he prefers you guys to us."
I shake my head, "Nuh-uh. No way he prefers us to you guys."
She shrugs, "Meh, I don't know. You're like a brother to Matt, and keep him from being overly crazy, and then Millie has been there for me so many times. You have as well." She smiles as she strokes my cheek. "I'd say if you asked tomorrow, he'd say yes in a heartbeat."
I don't know why, but what she's just said makes me both happy and sad.
I love that her parents have been amazing to Millie and me, even though they don't have to. And I also love that we can always go there, no questions asked. But I just wish my family was like that again. We were, before Dad went crazy and Mum spent so much time out of the house working. Now we're broken and fragmented.
I was so grateful to Andrew. For letting us stay, but for his care and expertise as well, when he was patching me up. But I'm also grateful to him for his trust. When he was caring for me, those five open sores from Dad's belt buckle, I think he knew. He must have. But he didn't say anything, to anyone, even with Mum lying for Dad, say I'd been mugged.
He didn't ask me outright though. And even then I wouldn't have admitted it, but I think he knew something wasn't right. But it was his behaviour afterwards that clued me in that he knew.
I spent time at the Grangers' house, yes, but after he treated me Millie and I were able to stay round whenever we liked, and I didn't even need to ask. On top of that, Tessa and Matt haven't been round while Dad was home since.
"I think you're incredible. Has anyone ever told you that?" She says, out of the blue, pulling me out of my mini daydream. "Archie?"
I snort, "What's so amazing about me?" I shake my head.
"Everything," she grins, fluttering her eyelashes at me.
"No it's not. I'm a coward. I'm scared... and afraid... weak. And I'm not incredible. I'm the furthest you can get from it." I'm almost shouting it but she's not listening to anything I'm saying.
She shakes her head, "Archie, look at me." She tips my chin back up so I'm forced to look into her eyes. "You are incredible."
I disagree.
"Stop it!" She says louder, obviously getting frustrated. "You are. Do you know why people have no idea what's going on with you?"
"Because I haven't told them?" I shrug. That was obvious.
"No! Well yes... But , no that isn't why. It's because you're so damn strong and happy every day. You're so bubbly, bright and happy. Your strength is greater than you think. You must see that?" Again, I shake my head but my wall has started to crumble.
She shuffles close to me again.
"You may think you're a coward - which I don't by the way - but I think you're the strongest person I've ever met. Dealing with this secret every day, being there for everyone... being there for Millie, for your mum... For me. You don't realise how incredible you truly are."
I open my mouth to respond, but I can't.
She's completely floored me, yet again, and all I can do is smile in response.
"I love you," I kiss her. "Did you know that?" I ask it whilst our lips are still connected.
She smiles, pushing me backwards onto the bed as I wrap my arms around her.
I feel her slide her hands slowly down my stomach, searching for the buttons of my jeans. I'm about to let her when we both hear the front door slam.
"Shit!" I whisper frantically, moving off the bed in a tangle of limbs, scrambling to hide any evidence of Tessa being here under the bed... including Tessa.
"What are you doing?" She giggles as she goes limp and unhelpful while I try to pull her off the bed.
"That could be Mum?" I whisper again.
"So? I've been in your room loads of times," she giggles again as she digs in her heels and I realise she's much stronger than she looks.
Somehow she manages to get herself to stand, turning around so she's standing in the middle of my bed. She crosses her arms as if she's daring me to put her over my shoulder.
"Okay then," I chuckle as I accept her challenge and come round the bed to pull her legs from the side. She falls safely over my shoulder, her hands slapping my back lightly as she lands.
Her whole body starts vibrating with laughter as I finally get her on the floor and I feel her hands trying to tickle my stomach underneath my shirt. Unluckily for her, I'm not that ticklish, but I know she is. Extremely so.
"Two can play at the game," I say with a grin as I get my legs either side of her, pinning her down and I commence tickling her furiously up and down her stomach and sides.
She wriggles mercilessly, not in control, before she makes the loudest squeal, which I swear even our neighbours could hear, making me howl with laughter and almost collapse on the floor.
"Shhh, shh," Tessa says suddenly, making me stop mid-laugh and ease my tickling.
She has her hands under my shirt slightly, but she's listening intently, remaining quiet. But when we hear a floorboard creek outside my room she finally does what I wanted her to and slithers under my bed.
"Arch?" It's Millie and I feel myself relax.
I can hear Tessa's giggling slightly as I go to unlock the door and its me that now has to try and keep a straight face.
I do one last check, just in case, and I see Tessa's head poking out the top.
"Get under, she'll see you." I whisper.
She slides back under as I jog to the door back over to her and kiss her forehead before it disappears, then get up again and open the door.
"What's up?" I ask, more chirpy than normal, slightly out of breath. I want to kick myself because I sound like a lovestruck moron. But to be honest I am a lovestruck moron, so if this is how it feels then I don't care.
She gives me an odd look, but sits down on my bed, crossing her legs underneath her, none-the-wiser that Tessa is just below her.
She didn't look peaky anymore, so I'm guessing her stomach ache was largely for mine and Tessa's benefit, but I love her for it. If she hadn't done that, I wouldn't be here right now. I'd probably still be napping on Matt's floor.
I smile at her as she responds, "Nothing. I just wondered if you wanted to ask Tess, Matt and Andy over her tonight? Might be nice to cook for them for a change? And I just checked and Marty's doing Shepherd's Pie!"
"Errrrrrmmm..." I mumble, knowing Tessa is listening to everything we're saying. "That'd be great," I smile. "Although I'm not sure she's home yet?"
"Hmm. She should be by now? When did you finish shopping?"
I shrug, "Don't know, like an hour?"
We can't have been asleep for that long because it was still vaguely light, but when she starts pulling her phone out to call her, I panic.
"She left her phone at home," I squeak, hoping she doesn't hear how stupid I sound.
"Oh..." she gives me another odd look, but she seems to believe me. "I'll call Matt then."
She puts her phone to her ear and she doesn't wait long before he picks up.
I take a cautionary look over the bed, and I still can't see her. I do hear her chuckling though, which gives me the giggles, and I start shaking so much I'm making the bed move slightly.
"Hey! Yeah I did... Erm yeah, Archie and I were just wondering if you guys wanted to come round for dinner? Mum should be back later on and we want to repay the favour," she nods at me, but gives me a suspicious look when she sees how much I'm laughing.
I'm fully aware Tessa is laughing out loud under my bed, and it's absolutely hilarious that Millie can't hear it.
I then can't hold my laughter in when I look over the bed once more. Tessa has the top of her head poking out, so only her eyes and forehead are peaking out. I nearly fall off the bed when I hear Tessa moving under the bed to join me, pulling herself out on her stomach.
"Matt, I'll call you back, Archie's being weird."
She hangs up and leans over the bed to see the two of us, or rather me, because Tessa has managed to slip back under the bed.
"Archie what the hell are you doing? What is wrong with you?"
I shake my head, not able to find any words through my laughter. I could barely breathe.
I reach under the bed and pull Tessa out, hooking my hands under her shoulders. She comes willingly and I pull her onto my lap. She's vibrating with just as much laughter, and the sensation is sending an electrical thrum of energy all down my body.
"Tessa?" Millie asks, incredulously. "What...? Matt just said you were at home?"
She shakes her head, stating the obvious.
"What the hell? How long have you been here?" She shifts her head from me to Tessa and back again, asking both of us for an answer.
"What's going on?"
I look at Tessa, asking silently to give her permission to tell my little sister.
I tell Millie everything and although keeping this amazing thing between the two of us isn't the worst secret to keep from her, I don't want to keep any secrets from her, not even this.
She looks back at me, smiling, but then she does something I don't expect.
She gives me the sexiest gaze I've ever seen and leans up to plant a long, loving kiss on my lips, holding it there for a number of seconds.
Tessa hates public displays of affection, and even though it's only Millie, it means the world to me.
"WHAT?!" My little sister jumps up and down on my bed and screams. "OH MY GOD! Is this happening?!"
She rolls off the bed and ploughs into the two of us, sending us sprawling. I keep a relatively tight hold on Tessa's hand, holding Millie's with my other one.
"I am SO happy this is finally happening!" She dabs at her eyes as she sits up.
"Finally? What do you mean finally?" I ask, lifting my neck to look at her from the flat of my back.
"Bro! You are seriously blind..." she smacks me quite hard on my chest.
I see Tessa's face fall slightly, but she recovers quickly as I take her hand.
"You've been in love with her for ages. That's why I gave you guys today... I got over my 'tummy bug' very quickly," she giggles. "Otherwise you would never have done it."
Trust my sister to know my own feelings before I did. I suppose she also had the advantage of seeing both of us. I shake my head, but grin at her. I am so grateful for her, for everything, but especially for today.
She sees and hangs out with Tessa more than she did with me some days, so she had sussed it out and formulated a plan.
I don't care I love her for it.
She was right though.
Now that I was admitting it, I'd loved Tessa for a long time. And every day I saw her, that love just grew and grew, wondering when the right moment would be to declare it.
I think the first time I realised I loved her was when I was about 13, before any scars had appeared on my back, and before Dad flipped.
But I remember the day so clearly. It was the day she turned to me for help.
Not my sister, not my mum.
Me.