NOW WE WERE MOVING into the colder months, I'd realised just how bad the last few weeks had been for Millie and me.
From the end of September Dad was home and in one continuous bad mood after another. Thankfully the physical mood swings were kept to a minimum but it had still been horrible.
Millie and I had decided to go home, rather than overstay our welcome at the Grangers, but if we'd have known he was home, we would have taken up on Matt and Tessa's offer.
We'd been home for an hour before we realised he was back. And from what it sounded like, he'd gone straight to the drinks cabinet in his study and had proceeded to drink himself into a stupor.
The first evidence I'd heard of him was a glass shattering distantly downstairs. Millie must have heart it too, because she had immediately come into my room crying. I told her to stay put with the door locked whilst I investigated.
When I got downstairs to the kitchen he wasn't there, so I went to his study. Sure enough, there was broken glass everywhere, and it looked like it was spirits he'd dropped, because it smelled like pure ethanol in there.
I was just cleaning up, trying not to cut myself, when I heard him bellow from the door, making me jump. He accused me of trying to steal his drinks again, and I was terrified it would be a repeat of the last time. But when he was satisfied I hadn't taken any, he finally let me leave. However, that wasn't before he'd swung at me on my way out. He awkwardly pushed me, and I fell hard onto the coffee table. It didn't hurt, but I fell hard enough for another large bruise to spread down my side.
I ignored the pain, but I knew he'd be in a nasty mood for the rest of the weekend, so I made a decision and thought it best we didn't go to either of our parties. I couldn't take the risk, not when it came down to Millie's safety. And it was definitely better to stay home, rather than go through the process of asking him and risk him blowing up at both of us.
When I rang Dee to tell her the bad news, she didn't take it well at all.
She screamed down the phone at me, not letting me get a word in edgeways. She accused me of not wanting to go in the first place, and finished off by saying this was just another pathetic excuse. Her shouting just went on, but I just had to take it, as there was no way I was admitting the truth about why I couldn't come.
Unfortunately that meant the following few days at school were testy, to say the least, and I genuinely thought maybe she'd be done with me. But when she saw me on the Monday after the party, she could tell something was wrong, and I suppose that's a good thing. But it didn't stop her from ignoring me until practice the week after, practice we had with the girls, where she was practically all over me, barely leaving my side.
I sensed her behaviour was for Tessa's benefit, again, and I tried to stop her. I did mostly... but Dee clearly had it in her mind that I was with Tessa that night and obviously wouldn't take my word for it, no matter how many times I said it. Shamefully, I felt like I needed to show her I wasn't... so I ended up hurting Tessa instead, rather than just telling her the truth.
On Friday after their match against Newport, Dee was in an incredibly happy mood. When I'd asked her what had got her smiling, she'd told me that Tessa played terribly and was laughing about it. She'd played badly enough that Coach had apparently benched her at half time. And when Charlotte confirmed the story the next day I felt awful because I knew I'd been responsible.
Charlotte also told me that Tessa had her captaincy stripped and given back to Dee. And although I didn't talk to Tessa that day, whenever I saw her, she looked down and close to tears, and my heart was literally breaking for her.
***
THE ONLY VAGUELY GOOD thing about this last month was that Mum finally came home. Although it was a month after she promised, we ignored it, because her being home was making a huge difference.
She arrived back on October 3rd while we were at school, which was a really lovely surprise given we'd had to contend with Dad's foul moods for ten days. We talked, laughed, and for a while we were back to normal again.
However, despite initial elation at having her home, we couldn't hide the fact we were pissed off at her for coming home a month later than promised, and with no word of when she'd be returning.
Once we asked her, she'd explained that unexpected additional work orders came in on the back of Fashion Week, so she had been asked to stay on at extremely short notice. We'd said that was fine, but that only takes two seconds to message, saying where the hell she was. I couldn't believe she hadn't thought to tell us.
Mum works in fashion, a freelance fashion stylist and photographer, and we knew Fashion Week was last week, so we knew she'd be busy. But that was no excuse for not letting us know, especially when she knows what Dad's like. She could have just told us she was staying on, and that would have been alright.
But that was the worst thing. She had left us with Dad. She knows he's a liability when he's drunk, and yet she left us with him anyway. We'd had to endure him for a month, terrified he'd get violent, and that wasn't on. I understood Dad was becoming increasingly difficult to deal with, but leaving us in his 'care' for that amount of time... well it was almost unforgivable.
I'd noticed she was doing it more frequently before we went away, and when we went away I was hoping it would stop after we go back. But apparently no such luck...
The arguing backwards and forwards continued for nearly a fortnight before we finally reached an impasse. Mum agreed to keep us in the loop, keeping in touch, which was what she should have been doing in the first place.
It wasn't an easy truce, but it was the best we could do. We obviously didn't want to stop her working, as she enjoyed it, but at the same time she had to think of us too sometimes. We're her children; we mattered just as much as her job did. Well... we should matter more.
***
FOR THE MONTH WE weren't staying at the Grangers, it made it easier to squash the growing feelings I had for Tessa. No longer seeing her in short pyjamas every morning meant I could focus on Dee, and I knew Dee felt much better about that.
I felt like I was on a road going to some place unknown. But I also felt like the more I patched things up with Dee, the more the road would move further away from Tessa, and I hated that feeling.
When my birthday rolled around in October, I felt like years had gone by without her. With Dad away for a few days, I'd elected to just have a small gathering, just Matt, Tessa and Millie, even though it fell on a weekend and everyone would be up for a big party. I didn't want one. I just wanted to be with Tessa.
I hadn't spread the word at school, just inviting the Grangers, and it was all I needed. After all the drama with Dad, I just wanted laughter, fun and food. And that's exactly what I got.
Mum and Dad had bought me a car this year, and I was so pleased with it. It was a custom-painted black and red Ford Focus ST, with all the bells and whistles, and it was super sleek. Mum had also bought me an intensive driving course, which started the week after my birthday as it had been half term. It enabled me to pass my test within a week. I had my test last Wednesday, and it was the best present because it meant Millie and I didn't have to endure Dad driving us to school anymore.
The other presents I got were amazing too. Millie and Tessa clubbed together to buy me car accessories - black fluffy dice and a Darth Vader car freshener. Matt bought me the new Need For Speed game, and the movie with Aaron Paul. He told me it was practice for the real road, but it was essentially another excuse for us to just sit and play it whenever he came round. I'd probably end up returning the favour and buy him the game for his birthday in December.
However, although my birthday had been great, I was still moping.
October had been crap and I couldn't wait for it to end. The main reason it had sucked was because I hadn't been able to talk to Tessa properly. The odd conversation, fine, but we didn't talk like we used to.
My mood plummeted more and more every day, and I missed her more than I'd realised I would. By my birthday, I regretted my decision to distance myself from her. I had been adamant to do it for Dee, but I was doubting how much longer my resolve could hold out.
After missing Callum's party in September, I'd kept a wide berth from her. Dee hadn't told me to, but given she'd basically accused me a couple of weeks ago, it was the best thing I could think of. But I couldn't take much longer of it, because I missed her more than was humanly possible to miss anyone.
***
WHEN NOVEMBER FINALLY ROLLED around, Millie, Mum and I were blessed with some great news: Dad was travelling to Australia, New Zealand and Japan, taking care of business outside the EU for over a month. This meant life would be more relaxed for at least the next six weeks.
It's the first weekend after Hallowe'en and Callum is hosting a party at his house, where this time all of us are invited. We all aren't massive fans of the guy, in fact Danny is sitting this one out for that precise reason, but it should be fun all the same.
Mum had always been much more lenient with us when it came to parties, so when the next one was announced, she was more than happy for us both to go. She knew she was still on thin ice, with Millie more than me, so she was more than happy for us to go.
So here I was, standing in my bedroom, trying to do up my top button, trying to ignore the laughter coming from downstairs, when I hear a knock at my door.
"Stupid button!" I mutter to myself. "Er, yeah, come in!" I call louder through gritted teeth.
I've changed my shirt about six times before finally deciding on this one. But right now I'm regretting it and I'm one more attempt from changing again.
The door creaks open quietly, and in the mirror I see the face I'd been missing for the last few days... well, weeks. Tessa. She steps into my room and smiles at me in the mirror.
I smile and forget my top button for the moment, walking over and scooping her up into a hug, taking her feet off the floor in my excitement, pulling her close to me.
"Wow, somebody missed me," she giggles, tucking her face into my neck. Her arms quickly lock around my shoulders, as I start to turn and spin, laughing.
"You have no idea," I chuckle back. I didn't mind if she knew how much I missed her. I'd had enough of keeping my distance.
She clears her throat and pulls away from me so I put her back down gently.
"Sorry," I mumble, scratching the back of my neck.
"It's okay," she smiles. "I missed you too," she pokes me in the stomach.
I panic for a second, thinking maybe she'd read my mind, but she keeps smiling. I think she's being polite, but the fact she's said that makes me happy.
Looking at her outfit today, she looks stunning. She always looks stunning, but today was something else.
She's wearing her favourite high-waisted black skinny jeans, along with an orange crop top, and a glittery pair of orange Toms to go with the Hallowe'en theme. Her long blonde hair had been loosely curled, and her make-up was accentuating her beautiful green eyes. To finish off the Hallowe'en look, she's wearing a pumpkin bobble hairband, one that matches Millie's bat bobble headband downstairs.
"Tess, you look... incredible," I say breathlessly, not even bothering to hide my grin. "I love these." I fiddle with her pumpkin bobbles with my fingers.
She laughs nervously and tucks her hair behind her ear. She never was good at taking compliments. I'd made her uncomfortable though, even if it was the truth. And I don't know what it was, but the air felt different between us today.
"You ready?" She asks, clearing her throat. "Millie wants to get pictures of all four of us before we go... and do some shots," she finishes, rolling her eyes.
"Of course she does," I grin back. My sister only drinks at home, mostly, and this was the most excited I'd ever seen her about a party, so I was determined not to ruin it for her.
"Erm, yeah nearly there. Just trying to do this stupid button," I turn back round to the mirror to get a better look at it again.
"Here, let's have a look," she pulls my shoulder to turn me around and I move in front of her.
She stands on her tiptoes and she's so close I can feel her breath against my neck. Her fingers are tickling the hollow of my throat as she struggles to get the button done up.
When I move my eyes down to look at her, I notice her tongue is sticking out slightly in concentration, caught between her teeth, and I can't help the laugh that comes out of my mouth.
"What?" She looks up at me, her fingers pausing on the button. Her fingers scratch against my skin slightly and it makes my breath hitch in my throat.
"Sorry," I laugh, recovering. "You just had your tongue poking out," I grin wider as I start to laugh more. Soon she joins me, breaking into giggles, still clinging to my shirt. I didn't mind.
"My dad says I do that," she takes her hand off my button and tries to hide her face in embarrassment. After just a few seconds I miss her hands being on me and I feel a bit pathetic.
I move to pull her hands away from her face gently, keeping them in mine, and smile down at her. I so badly want to lean down and kiss her, but instead I drop her hands and turn around to the mirror to look at my button.
"Do you reckon it's fixable? Or do I need to try another shirt?" I ask through gritted teeth.
"Nope, I can get it. Two seconds," she puts her hand back on my shoulder and steps in front of me. I can see she's now making a conscious effort not to poke out her tongue, and it's even more adorable.
After a minute, though, she says, "Ta-daaa!" and she backs away from me, surveying her work.
I check myself in the mirror before picking up my jacket from the bed. "Perfect," I kiss the side of her head before gesturing her out of the door first.
She giggles nervously again as she runs past me, trotting down the stairs in front of me, making her bobbles and curls bounce up and down as she does so. When she gets to the bottom of the stairs she catches me staring and puts her hands on her hips.
"Come on," she laughs, heading towards the kitchen, where two sets of loud cackling can be heard
On my entrance, I make a fool of myself.
I go to do a running slide, but I overshoot my target and end up smacking straight into the wall, much to everyone's amusement. I pick myself up as everyone else is laughing too much, and help myself to a drink.
"Ow," I groan as I feel someone rub my sore shoulder.
I look down to see Tessa next to me. Her cheeks are flushed from laughing but her eyes are searching mine to check I'm okay. I give her a nod and she smiles wider, putting an arm around me, pulling me into their drinking game they'd started while I was finishing off getting ready.
"That was smooth," Matt cackles as I join them at the kitchen counter. He's already slurring, which means he'll probably be passed out by midnight and I'll have to carry him.
"Yup. Meant to do that." I laugh as much as Matt is, and I'm finally happy again.
***
THE NEXT HOUR MADE me not want to go to this party at all. I was enjoying myself too much.
The girls take filtered snapchats of us all, probably sending them on to Charlotte, and as if we weren't laughing enough, Matt pulls out a game of What do you Meme? The cards some of us came up with in response were ridiculously good, and I could barely breathe, forgetting how much I missed properly laughing with these guys.
When Mum came downstairs about twenty minutes later, she smiles.
"Can I join the fun?" she asks excitedly as Tessa walks towards her. "Hi Sweetie," she opens her arms for her and hugs her hard. I can't help but smile at how close they are.
"How you doing?" Mum asks her. "You feeling better?"
She nods, "Yeah, much better. The soup really helped," she knowingly smiles at me and my cheeks pink at being caught staring again.
Mum had gone round to see Tessa this week when she was sick and she brought round the soup on my request. I don't know if Mum actually saw her or not, but I'm at least glad the soup got to her. I'm surprised Andrew's even let her out tonight, although I'm still very glad he has. I'd said to myself that if she didn't come out today I'd risk flu or any kind of stomach bug, just to see her.
Tessa and Mum continue to have a conversation across the other side of the kitchen, and every now and again she shoots me a smile as I try to focus on what Matt and Millie are talking about. Tessa is distractingly beautiful tonight, and I'm having trouble keeping my head out of the clouds.
"Tess, can you grab me a beer?" I ask as she comes past the fridge when Mum leaves the room.
"Sure," she smiles and brings over two, one for me and one for Matt.
"What time do we want the taxi for Matt?" I ask, taking a drag from my bottle.
Millie is now taking solo selfies, not paying attention to this conversation, but Matt takes a look at his watch. "Half an hour maybe?"
I look at mine and it's almost half ten. The party technically started two hours ago but no one likes to be the first ones there, even Tessa, who is always annoyingly on time.
"Yeah sure. Tess, does 30 minutes work for you?"
She nods, probably wondering why I'm asking, before continuing her selfie-taking with Millie. She must have thousands by now.
"Cool. Yeah book it, Matt."
***
THE GAMES AND THE drinking continued until Matt got a second text to say the taxi was outside, so we all went to panic stations, the girls especially, as they weren't ready.
I go outside quickly to tell the Uber driver we'd be at least another ten or so minutes, telling him he could leave if that wasn't okay. He just smiles and shakes his head at me, saying he'd had to wait much longer than that before, so he happily agreed to wait for us. I think he appreciated my honesty.
Thanking him, I dash back inside.
The girls were just about ready ten minutes later, make-up touched up, and we were just about to head out when we all hear a squeal from Mum behind us.
"Wait! I need to get a picture, you all look so cute!"
"Cute?!" I laugh, rolling my eyes. "Come on, seriously why?"
I'm cursing inwardly as she gestures for one of us to hand over our phones, so I hand her mine. She's great with cameras, as she does it for her job, so I know she'll get a great one but I can't be arsed. Millie's taken enough selfies anyway.
She winks at Tessa and she swats my shoulder, "Come on, Grumpy, get in closer."
I put my arm across her shoulders, putting my hand on Matt's back on the other side of the human wall we were now forming. I can feel Tessa's hand gripping my hip, and her fingers moving uncomfortably - for her - trying to settle. I hear about ten photos being taken, and when she finally puts the phone down, we all break apart.
"Perfect," Mum says, smiling knowingly again at Tessa and me as she hands me it back.
I shove it straight in my jacket pocket and lead the bundle out of the house and into the taxi, which was still patiently waiting.
"Thanks for waiting, mate," I say patting him on the shoulder as I slide into the back seat first, followed by Tessa then Millie. "Appreciate it."
He waves me off and hits something on his phone as Matt shuts the door.
The backseat was so small which means Millie, Tessa and I are all squashed together. To create more space, I move my arm over Tessa's shoulder, dropping my hand dramatically hard on Millie's shoulder, knowing it would annoy her.
"Get off," she laughs, shoving it off so it now hangs between the girls.
I was about to tickle Millie to annoy her further, when I feel Tessa's hand take mine and I smile in contentment. I hadn't seen her for nearly a week, and I'd missed the small hand grazes and light touches we used to have every day.
Looking around at the others, I was worried they could see, but they were both preoccupied. I could hear Matt talking to the driver about the Manchester United vs Chelsea game that was on today, so it meant at least that he was fully distracted. And I don't think Millie would care.
Over the last month he'd become more suspicious of me and Tessa because he'd seen a few of these interactions for himself. They were innocent, usually when we were sitting down watching a movie or something, but he'd noticed and wasn't very happy about it. It all started that day she fell asleep in my lap, and I don't think I'd ever convince him otherwise.
I was in seventh heaven. Feeling her fingers brush against mine like this made me wonder what the hell the problem is to begin with. This tiny action had made the happiest I'd been in weeks, so I simply looked out the window and tuned into Millie and Tessa's conversation about Christmas movies, not letting her hand go.
***
AS THE CAR PULLS up to Callum's house, we can hear it raging on without us. Tessa and I detach as we watch a small fight break out in the living room through the window. Matt opens the door and disappears off immediately so we take our time.
"Looks like you guys will be having a great night," the driver laughs. "You kids be safe and have fun, yeah?"
"We will!" I pat him on the shoulder as I shuffle forward to get out. I push a fiver through the window after climbing out. He gives me a thumbs up before pulling away.
Once inside, we head in different directions. Millie and Tessa stick together, probably to find Charlotte, who'd come solo without Danny, who was visiting his brother.
I head towards a loud game of beer pong which, from his telltale laughter, it seems as though Matt's joined too.
As soon as I join the table, Devon hands me a cup of beer and demands I chug it. I do so, and then crush the cup in my hand once I'm finished, shouting triumphantly, allowing the next turn to commence. The boys all laugh, and the next beer is shoved into Matt's hand.
I take a closer look at the table and I note that someone had set out the table slightly differently, with cups covering it, instead of the usual nine. I don't know how long the game has been going on, but given there are three drunken bodies on the sofa to my left, I reckon its been going on for a while.
"Rob, you're with me," Will slurs, and he steps over to the other side, taking the ping pong ball from Will's hand. He aims for a cup on the back left of our side, and annoyingly gets it in. Having Will, Matt and Rob on a team is unfair, as the three of them has excellent aim. Devon, Jason and I soon realise that when we have to chug one each, whereas we haven't got a single one in yet.
Devon takes the most recent cup, starting to chug it slowly, but hands me the ball.
Determined to wipe the smug look off Will's face, I aim for a cup that's got more liquid in it. I line up the shot, jokingly closing my eyes as I let it go, and I revel in the sound of the ball hitting beer as it lands in the cup I'd aimed for.
"That was ridiculous," Devon coughs as he pats me on the shoulder. "How do you even do that?"
"Aim, man. Just aim!"
"You weren't even looking!" He messes my hair as he hands me the ball back to go again.
Throughout the game, I keep my head on a swivel for Dee, as she said she would hunt me down if I didn't go to this party, and I believed her. As of yet I hadn't seen her, but she had texted me earlier to say she'd see me here, despite saying originally she'd come and get ready at mine. I expect when she found out Tessa was coming, that's when she changed her mind.
Our conversation about her making an effort to get along with Millie, Tessa and Matt, went well to begin with but it only lasted a week. Although she'd already told me, news broke from Charlotte about the incident at hockey at the end of September. When I thought back I remembered how Tessa had come home not looking her usual happy self, and how we'd talked through it all.
I was annoyed at Dee, but Tessa had been right. I should be trying harder, but I couldn't help myself sometimes when it came to her.
The whole point of my conversation with Dee was to try to get her to make an effort with my friends, not blow up at them. After I found out, I watched what she was like with them, with Tessa especially, and I decided it was going to be impossible to try and get her to change now, so I just left it.
Right now, out of the corner of my eye I could see Tessa and Millie laughing with a group of girls, who must be on the team with Tessa. Despite losing captain, it seemed she was now getting on with the others better because I wouldn't have thought she'd spend time with these girls normally. She'd missed the match on Thursday because she'd been off sick, so I suppose they were all filling her in on what happened.
Before she could see me staring though, I feel a ball bounce hard off my head.
"Oi!" I turn around to see Matt looking at me, who had caught me staring this time. Again.
I shrug while Devon shoves another cup into my hand, but Matt shakes his head and walks away from the table, clearly pissed off. His eyes were red though, so I think he was genuinely going to search out a place where he could pass out.
"What's up with him?" Devon slurs.
I shrug as I take a huge gulp of beer. "No idea. Drunk I think."
He shrugs back to me and tries to throw the ball again, but ends up missing by quite a long way, much to Will's amusement.
I give a small laugh, but I'm coming down off my high from earlier, and if I'm honest, I'm already ready to go home.
I don't know how much longer we were playing for. I was getting tired, and I was about 14 cups deep. I still hadn't seen Dee. I check my watch and it was just before midnight and I couldn't believe I hadn't seen her. Despite starting to feel like I wanted to pass out and sleep, I had to find her, otherwise she'd literally have my balls.
I could see the girls had moved outside, under the heat lamps, and someone had seen her out there not too long ago, so I headed in that direction. I hear a groan from Devon, but he doesn't follow me so he can't have been that bothered.
On my way out, I spot Matt passed out on a sofa, so I thought maybe I'd head outside and join the girls for a bit, get some fresh air. A couple of the boys were out there as well, so it would all seem innocent enough.
But when I hear Dee's voice in amongst a group of boys in the kitchen, I change my course of direction.