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Dear Leah,
By now from the sloppy handwriting, you've probably guessed it's me. I've wrote this letter a thousand times and still struggle to put into words what I wish to say. So please forgive me if I repeat myself or lose the actual topic I wanted to speak with you about..
But I feel that I owe you an explanation and an update on how I am doing and I hope you have now forgiven me for leading Zak astray to have me signed in. But this was something I needed to do. Maybe you feel that I've stolen the chance for you to say goodbye to me before I came in, and I did, but with good reason. I was a mess, unstable and completely unsure of how I wanted to continue with my life. I was a loose cannon and in my own words, I was dangerous.
I had looked at the hospital before, but after seeing so much on the field, the last thing I wanted to do was sit in a room full of strangers and pine about shoddy uniform and unsafe equipment. However, looking back now, I realise that I did need to do exactly that.
War is something that will always be around, lurking in the shadows like a monster, ready to consume the unaware but participating victim, who believe that they can make a difference. No matter how foolish it sounds. Dressed up in some fancy outfit, claiming to be the only way to settle a disagreement or a threat. It almost looks glamourous, but it's horrible, disgusting and heart-breaking. I've watched news anchors pick a spot where it looks suitable to film, where it shows us to be well equip, clean and safe. But is also a fat lie.
Conditions are never good, that is why there is a war. Uniforms with holes in, blood stains and bullet holes in helmets which are suppose to protect us, boots with soles hanging off, lack of medical supplies and rationing food. Being so hungry that you can't see a road bomb ahead, feeling so sick that when you're clutching an femoral artery between your fingers, it doesn't faze you....
I'm not writing this to upset you, and I have considered stopping but you have always been my go to person. My safe person. But my therapist advised me contacting the people that mean something to me, as some part of healing. I don't know.
What I do know, is that there is a quote.. One that made sense of the clusterfuck that I walked into. It is - -- The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him. ― G.K. Chesterton.
I don't love war, I don't like blood and guns and everything else that's throwing in the mixing bowl. But I loved what was behind me, you at home, knowing you would be safe, knowing that children could laugh and now cower in the shadows like the children I have seen here, the sense of family between us comorades, the moments we actually got to sit back and laugh. Those precious moments of receiving those home packages and finding out who had the raunchiest photos. (Forgive me for that..)
But you will never know the meaning of coming home through the door, dropping my bag and picking you up in my arms. Your everlasting smile and strawberry scented shampoo.. Just coming home to something so pure and gentle as you.
This letter isn't about dredging up the past, no matter how much my therapist is trying to be a sadistic shithead. This letter is to let you know that I am getting better, I am on the right path and I am making progress to be a better person. I've met some real good people in here, and they have shown me that living in the shadows of my pre-war life isn't the only option I have. They explained to me that once I've experienced death, been coated in someone's blood and experienced pain and fear.. That sinking back into normal life was not going to happen. I wasn't going to be one of those men that can walk around a city and not worry if there is a car bomb, if there is going to be an attack or if the Army send out the bat signal again.
Which comes to my next part....
I've decided to leave Vegas. There are a few of us that have taken a look at our options and decided that the bright lights, busy shopping malls and all those casinos and strip clubs are too much. So I suggested one of the places that mean the most to me.. A place where I know to be safe and peaceful. I'm going to North Dakota. It isn't far from where we stayed, and at this time of year, when the leaves are turning brown and the nights are a little colder, I think it will be perfect.
So in essence, this letter is a 'See you around' even if I won't. I will never say goodbye to you Leah. Never. You are integrated into my soul and you will always own a piece of my heart, along with our daughter. Her picture remains in my wallet, along side one of yours. Not because I am clinging onto hope, but because I know that there is a heaven on earth and one day I hope to experience it again.
Zak is a good guy, despite our initial spat, but I now know that you will be safe and cared for, no matter what. I know you'll roll your eyes at that sentence, but even the most independent people need help sometimes. He may make mistakes, screw up and lose his patience sometimes, but never ever think that he doesn't love you. I can see it, it's strong and pure, which makes me walking away easier.
So here is to hopeful future, campfires, night fishing and being safe. I wish you all the best, because you deserve it.
I love you Leah, I always will.
Cody xxx