Have you ever felt helpless? That vulnerability and weakness you have when something tragic happens? I have two times before with my parents death, the unbelievable thought goes through you mind until you see their body in person or accidentally detect the crime scene photos a day before the closed-casket funeral. I felt that dark pit taking a hold of me; the depression and despair, the anger and rage, the disbelief and confusion. It was a whirlwind of emotions that clouded my judgment, better yet, made me have a emotional breakdown in the middle of the waiting area of the ER.
I couldn't see him... I couldn't hold his hand or even walk in the hall where he's staying. I wasn't family or spouse, not even have some form of tie to him other than Copper and this starting relationship. The only bing I were granted with were the two words from the doctor: "He's fine." No explanation of procedure or even an opportunity to just take a peek of his resting body.
I don't know how long I was there in that waiting room; an hour, five hours, a day or even two days. I couldn't move from that chair nor room, I wanted to have hope that I can see him; to make sure the doctor wasn't pulling my leg to make me stop crying.
"Joy?"
I looked up from staring at the tip of my shoe, it was the only place I can stare at without being labeled as crazy. Peter stood at the entrance of the room, concern coated his gaze, lips pulled into a thin frown, hands stuffed into his pants suit pockets, and tie undone to show he was stressed out as much as me. "How is he?" I managed to say without crying again.
"Stable." He sighed heavily. "He's asleep right at the moment, but he's going to pull through. Why don't I take you home? It's getting late."
"Why can't I see him?"
"Maybe that's not for the best." He whispered, mainly for the fact I spotted Carol and Isaac walking past the waiting room a little while ago. "Come on, of not home then I'll ask Raina to prepare the guest room for you."
"No, I have to go back to Samuel's apartment. Copper, our dog, he's still there."
"You two have a dog?" Confusion went over his face but he pushed that down. "Then bring him along. You can't stay in the apartment until the police has labeled it as safe, besides, Samuel wouldn't want you to be alone right now."
I did not fight on the fact I didn't want to be alone, I just rubbed my face from any tears and lines while climbing out of the chair and strolled my way under Peter's protective brotherly wing. Going to Samuel's apartment was quicker than I thought, being that it's past morning rush hour and everyone is already at work. However, walking into Samuel's apartment took forever.
There were no signs of fighting or even a push here or shove there, it looked normal as of nothing happened. Copper immediately stood by my side as soon as I opened the door, he was mostly likely hungry and had to pee; or maybe he already grew a bond with Samuel and wanted to see him too. It was definitely the first theory when I put a little food in his bowl so I can pack what we needed for the day. Before getting into Peter's car, I put Copper on the leash so her can do his thing- the last thing I want is for him to pee in Peter's car or on their furniture.
*****
They too settled in a townhouse in Staten Island, only difference between his home and the parents were the fact I was welcomed and they didn't put up a facade. When walking into the small family home with Copper in my arms, I was immediately ambushed by two little kids; both eager to have me and Copper as their guest- well, most Copper.
"Hey, give Joy some space." Peter ordered in a soft tone to hide his worry and rage.
The two little munchkins: Caitlyn and Phillip, they were no older than seven and surely were very hyper- so hyper, Copper was eager to get out of my arms and play with them. Once deeper into the home, I set Copper onto his paws and let the kids carefully play with him.
"Joy, hey." Raina walked downstairs to show she just woke up with her hair pinned up, clothes baggy, and face weary as of her sleep were interrupted. I can't blame the fact she looks tired and stressed from the news or even other reasons. "You hungry?"
"Uh, yeah, I can eat." I wasn't hungry, well I was but I don't think I can eat anything because of stress. I followed her into the kitchen, immediately settling behind the dining table and drumming my fingers onto the polish surface. "I hope you don't mind me bringing Copper."
"No, it's fine, keeps the kids busy."
"Hey, I'm going to get cleaned up and go back to the hospital before going back to the office." Peter stood in the second entry way into the kitchen that's a easy route to the stairs.
"Again?" Raina mumbled. "Why don't you come home after the hospital, you've been at the office all night?" Her voice was low, obviously not caring that I was near by, but also caring about her kids not hearing.
However, Peter noticed my presence. "I'll be back tonight." He walked off, just like that, no argument or kind words that'll make her calm down; just walked off. I don't know if this is the usual thing with them or it seriously wasn't a good day for this.
Raina slowly rolled her eyes before continuing to make breakfast. Soon the kids came in with Copper following behind, his tail wagged extremely fast, his barking was sharp and showed his excitement, and he pounced several times before Phillip fell to his knees and scratched behind his ear. It was adorable, the kids running around and playing with Copper, it made me think what if Samuel and I have kids sometime in the future- I mean, it won't be soon but hey, a girl can hope.
I just can imagine it, we'll get a townhouse like this one in Harlem or a large two bedroom apartment in Manhattan as a starter when we have our first baby, Copper would be a full grown dog by then. Dreams and fantasies, I guess.
"Fiona and Natasha is going to meet us at the park with the kids later today. You should come and bring Copper."
"I should stop by the hospital." I stated. "Hopefully I can see him."
Raina nod her head in understanding, "We can look after Copper, while you go. I'll drive you before we go to the park, and pick you up when you're ready."
"Thank you, but I'm may stay all night. I may hitch a ride with Peter or just sleep over there. I don't know." I fell back into the chair and sighed heavily, that dark pit was forming all over again and I found myself being hit with emotions that I tried to push down but a few tears showed itself. I quickly wiped them away before the kids could notice. "Anyway, I'm going to get myself cleaned up." I excused myself with my bag hanging off my shoulder while walking upstairs to the bathroom that was obviously the first door on the left. Not that it was a huge sign hanging above the door or I've been through here before (which I haven't) but Peter walked out with a few towels in his hand that held Disney characters that I've never seen before.
"Hey," He said for the third time today. "Uh, I would have to give you toothpaste, the kids has child toothpaste and I don't think that would help- I'm rambling, I'll be back."
"Okay," I chuckled softly before walking into the bathroom. It was definitely covered with children stuff; cartoons, toys in the bathtub, and even the shower curtain held rubber ducks. I set my bag on the closed toilet and took a deep breath before looking in the mirror; eyes red and puffy, lips dry, cheeks holding dry lines from my salty tears. God, I look fucking horrible.
"Here you go," Peter's hand came into my view, the adult toothpaste dangling from his fingertips.
"Thanks." I grabbed the hygiene product with a small smile. "Do you think they'll let me stay in the hospital? I mean, if you sign me in I'm sure they'll let me stay."
"Listen, I know you want to stay by Samuel's side and all that other stuff. But-"
"Peter please, I just need to see him."
"Okay...Okay. I'm gonna leave out in twenty minutes." He announced before stepping out of the bathroom to leave me be.
*****
Perhaps coming to the hospital wasn't a good idea, before I can even enter the large private room- I already felt myself breaking down. But I kept myself together, even when seeing Samuel laying in bed, unmoving, hooked up to the an IV and heart monitor. It wasn't worse when I saw my father in ICU, but it didn't feel better.
I pulled up a chair and planted my ass so I can get comfortable for the all-nighter. Peter sighed heavily while stepping forward- pain flashed through his eyes as he tried to push them down. "Why don't you go home after this?" I asked, it was purely to distract myself from the steady beating of Samuel's heart. Besides, Raina looked really disappointed and concerned.
"I gotta go to a few trials and shit, I can't miss it."
I sighed heavily and nod my head, I'm not in a position to stick my nose into their personal life. "How long do you think they'll keep him comatose?"
"Uh, I think another eighteen hours or twenty-four. Not long enough to starve him to just keep him on an IV. They wake him up and keep him hospitalized for two days or so. Depends on when he wakes up."
"Can... can he hear us?"
Peter simply shrugged his shoulders, "I have no idea."
I sighed heavily while combing my hair back and placed it into a messy ponytail. "Sometimes I think of I never met Samuel or even..." I couldn't continue because, for one, I didn't know if Peter has a clue of the story on why his parents hated me or even the fact I was a stripper that turned into escort.
He pulled up a chair to sit at the foot of the bed, scratching the side of his jaw, and slumping. Peter no longer held that hardened look that scares people off nor did he look like his father anymore; he was vulnerable. "I don't know what the hell is going on, know one tells me shot anymore. But, I just know it's no one's fault- not you or Samuel. It was a break in gone bad, Joy, it happens. I know it's painful to think it can happen to the people you love, but it those and the only thing we can do right now is hope and pray Samuel can wake up soon. However, sleeping in the hospital, crying every single second of the day, even missing out on your life- it's not going to help you nor Samuel. What would he say if you saw you starting this trend of isolating yourself from everything?"
I chuckled to myself as the first set of words rolled off my tongue. "He would say 'get off your ass doll, and don't cry over me... I'm not worth it.' Then I'll come back and say 'you are worth it.' We'll get in a short argument and he'll try to shut me up." I looked at Peter to see him staring straight at me. I immediately felt self-conscious for blabbing about our slightly dysfunctional relationship. "Sorry, I-"
"No, it's a little weird because... well, Samuel isn't the type to be in a monogamous relationship or any form of relationship. I don't know." He rubbed the back of his neck out of his own nervousness and awkward state.
"Yeah, even I found it a little weird. Okay, I guess me staying here isn't quite what both of us needs. You go ahead to work, I'll call Raina to pick me up. Are you sure you don't want to go home? It's been a very long night; speaks time with the family or get some rest."
Peter chuckled to himself and shook his head in disagreement, "Did Raina put you up to this?"
"No, I just thought... never mind, I'm sticking my nose in a place where it doesn't belong. I do that a lot, fix someone's else problem instead of my own. Maybe I should start fixing my own shit, I'll hold off on calling Raina. I'm going to do a few errands."
"You sure?"
I nod my head yes, "Nothing major, just need to fix a few things."
"Nothing illegal, right? It's not exactly in a job description to cover misdemeanor cases. Well, John does cases like that, so I guess you're covered in that department."
"Uh, no, it's nothing illegal. In fact, I'm going to go now." I grabbed my purse and stood to my feet, giving Samuel a once over gaze before heading to the door. "I'll be back at the house for dinner, I'll make sure I have my phone on if something happens or you're updated on his recovery. See you later."
Peter blinked twice in uncertainty on rather he should let me walk out or question me more on where I'm off to. But he did neither. "Okay, just make sure you tell Raina, we don't want her worrying too much."
I nod my head in agreement before sending him a comforting smile. "Yeah, of course."
*****
What am I doing?... After walking out of the hospital and taking a train downtown, I found myself in a small cafe just a block away from Soho. I've wandered out here, nothing specific in mind but the fact I needed to fix my own shit, even if it was dangerous or crazy. My fingers drummed on the metal surface of the table as my eyes wandered around the entry way. They're not coming, why would they meet me here? It's stupid, so- so stupid...
"Either your stupid or want attention." One of the three rows of chairs were pulled back and filled with the slim body of the woman who dared to ruin my life. "I'm just going to label you as stupid." Diana gave me a bored look, one that showed her regret of showing up and also held a sense of eagerness to know why.
Suddenly, the end chair was filled with the man I thought I would have a future with, but only ended up with lies from my own dreams and fantasies. Gerald sighed heavily, his own eyes wandering around the place to see if anyone else were here. "What's going on? Why is she here?" It felt great to not be the only female enemy in his line of sight, at least I'm not exactly out numbered.
"Fuck you too, asshole." Diana said back in a calm voice. The chair between them was enough to keep them from pouncing on each other, it also indicated the fourth party isn't going to show up any time soon or never.
I took a deep breath to push out the anger and frustration, "Listen, I don't care what we all have against each other. I don't care if one hurt the other in the current or past time, and I truly don't care if either one of you want to wreck a car or start bar fights. But I do care about the fact that Samuel is in the hospital right now, whether you or anyone else has done the deed of leaving him for dead, I can't keep thinking that he will have to be extra cautious of being attacked every night because... because he has two extra enemies on his long list of few."
"Wait, why is Samuel in the hospital? What happened?" Gerald comments, his voice was full of genuine concern that I don't truly know if it's real or not to detect his feelings for Samuel.
"He was hit in the head last night, left for dead." It was painful to say, but I did. "Like I basically said, I'm not here to turn either of you in or care the fact you're still grudging over your hurt. I mean, I'm a little concerned but my mind isn't one that right now. I'm here to end whatever hate or rage you feel towards Samuel or even me. Whatever you have to say or do, go right ahead, I'm opening myself up to criticism and blame. I want this to be over so I know Samuel and I won't have anymore problems in the future. I'm just hoping we can be civilized adults and move on."
The table grew silent, none of us thought this were to happen, the fact I wasn't going to get revenge or put them in the blame for the accident shocked them both- even me. I guess I'm too tired to go through this circular motion, just this long cycle of blackmail and fighting- it's unnecessary and we're all grown and have lives of our own that we should be more focused on.
"Fine," Diana huffed before reaching into her bag to retrieve a thick envelope. "This is all the paper copies of your photos, I've deleted the ones on my computer because they were taking up too much space. Honestly, I was getting bored with this entire thing anyway."
I hesitated in grabbing the envelope, of course not believing the fact she deleted the others, but I can't quite put that on the table. "Anything else?"
"Yeah, you're a bitch and slut. Seriously, why the hell would Samuel start to settle down with you? You're not even on his level, you don't have connections or money to your name. Why even bother? By the way, I didn't know that happened to Samuel. I may be a blackmailer and wreck people shit, but I don't do murder."
Well, it's not about the status and followers you have. You sure do frame people and even assault them. Besides, you're a crazy bitch, there's many things you'll do to get attention.. "Okay." I said instead to keep this going on the right direction.
"I don't give a shit what you and Samuel had going on." Gerald spoke up. "Yeah, I'm pissed off he chose you over our friendship and he got in the way of me trying to beat the shit out of your cousin. But I don't do murder or blackmail, I have a reputation to uphold."
I looked between them both to see if they have anything else they need to get off their chest, seeing that those were the only things they needed to say- which is surprising, I clasped my hands together on the table to stay calm and not as frustrated. "Good to know that neither of you didn't try to kill him. Along with the fact the actions of getting revenge or wanting to fight things out are out of your systems just enough to smother it. So, I guess this is official a verbal contract on not entering or even ruining each other lives anymore?"
They both nod their heads before getting up and leaving the diner. I guess I was expecting a curt nod goodbye or even a nasty comment, but it's no use, we said enough too each other that will last a lifetime. I sighed in content, immediately relaxing in the chair and taking a sip from my coffee. Just then, the middle chair was pulled back and filled with the man I needed and also didn't want to see.
Isaac still had that stern look upon his face from the last time we saw each other, the only difference is Samuel isn't here to save me from his wrath. I wanted Diana and Gerald here as a cushion, but they're gone and now I have to face the beast with hot coffee and a pack of sugar. "What the fuck do you want?" His voice was low and oddly steady.
I took a deep breath to push my fear down while sitting up in my seat. "I want to apologize... for everything."
He scoffed while rolling his eyes. "Everything, huh? From the day my son met you, his life has been forming into knots. He had his entire life set out and then you got into the middle of it. Now look where he is, half-dead in a hospital bed."
I curled my fingers into fist so my nails could dig into my palm, not before hiding them under the table. "I know, I can admit I am to blame for all of this. Maybe... just maybe I'm holding him down and killing all the future plans of being great at life. I never wanted this to happen, I never wanted to be exposed or you two to get into a fight, I definitely didn't want him to be half dead. I love Samuel, you can believe it or not, this is why I'm doing this. I want to make sure you two have some form of relationship so he can see his mother without going behind your back. I want him to go to family dinners and Christmas parties. Even if I'm not in the picture." I sighed heavily to push the words out, it was very painful to say- but hey, sacrifices weren't supposed to be sweet and fun.
Isaac stared at me as if I lost my mind or hyped up on drugs. "I don't believe you. You seriously think I'll trust your good girlfriend skit after what happened? How do I know you didn't try to kill him?"
My brows furrowed in frustration and rage. How dare he accuse me of murdering Samuel? How do I know he didn't try to do it? He already disowned him for dating me. "You don't have to believe me, that's the point. You know what, I don't exactly care anymore. I tried everything to make sure Samuel have a relationship with his parents, have something that I can no longer have, and here I am being accused to murder the man I love- all because I'm not a fucking Daisy!" I slammed my fist onto the table, causing a few citizens near by to look our way.
"A wha-"
"You know what, Isaac. I'm tired and sick of being accused as a whore or slut, or even a bitch. I'm not neither of those things, just because I was doing a job that never ended up with me sleeping with men- I'm labeled as a broken thing that should be pitied and bullied. Just because I'm different and didn't come from money, what I did taboo things to survive. Sorry for not being Diana or any other country club girls that fake their way to the top and have slept with more men than I've done in two years. For fuck sake, why would your own son date a prostitute? What kind of insecure abusive bastard would think that? Or right, you're that kind of asshole. Samuel is way better than you in so many ways, I'm surprised he's your son. In fact, all of your sons are way different and better than you can ever be."
"How dare you? I'm better than them and you in so many-"
"Are you listening? I said I don't care, which mean whatever you say to make yourself look better or put me done will go over my head. By the way, the superior old white guy act is very old, get a new gig." I grabbed the envelope and my purse before storming out of the cafe. I was quite joyful for ending it on that, no regrets whatsoever.
As I walked to the nearest underground subway entrance that will take me back to Staten Island, my phone vibrated to Indicate I had a incoming call. I answered when I realized it was Peter. "Hey, I'm on my way back to the house now."
"Oh, good. I was going to wait till then but I think you want to hear this now."
"Is it about Samuel? Is he okay?"
"Yeah, still the stable. It's about the break in, the police ran the fingerprints on the metal pole. They found the guy, John- I think that's his fucking name."
"John?" I slowed down my pace into a halt, not caring about the young couple behind me who cursed me out under their breaths. I never suspected it would be that asshole, I even forgotten he existed.
"Yeah, he's in jail, already convicted."
I sighed in relief, "Okay, that's good. They caught him and Samuel's safe."
"Yeah, go back to the house, no more stops or errands."
"Okay, I will, I'll tell Raina you're coming home early."
"That wasn't exactly my pla"
"Peter, Raina needs you home, it's quite obvious. So, either you're going to be that asshole husband and surround yourself with work, or you're going to be the husband who goes home to his family and cuddle with his wife. Your choice, choose wisely."
There was a moment of silence before Peter sighed in defeat. "Tell Rain I'll be there around four."
"Good choice."