HARRY
I had seen Scarlett getting mad at me so many times before. It isn't something uncommon since I've fucked up so many times before that, but she's always been pretty loud about it, making clear why and when she's mad.
Since we've dropped Andres off and we've gotten home to change for the dinner, she's been extremely silent. She is not talking to me and I must say that I definitely prefer her loudness when she's mad, over her passive aggression.
I don't try to approach her, until I get past my first glass of liquid courage, while I hear her getting ready. I slowly walk toward our bedroom and I lean against the door jamb, watching her while she carefully looks at two navy blue dresses that, to me, look exactly the same but probably couldn't be more different to her.
I can tell, by the way, her expression twists, that she can perceive my presence, but she doesn't say anything at all. After a few more seconds, she throws one of the two dresses on the bed and messily puts the other one back into the luggage. She then walks toward her duffel bag, looking for the perfect pair of shoes. She doesn't take too long and once she's found her pitch black stilettos, she throws them on the floor, right next to the bed and where her dress is.
Once she gets the dress and starts making her way toward the bathroom to get changed, I decide to do my first step. I grab her wrist and I stop her way to the bathroom by stepping in front of her. She doesn't say anything, she just glances up at me, making clear by the look in her eyes, how bothered she is.
"I'm sorry..." I quietly say. Her expression doesn't change at all.
"You already said it." She drily answers, freeing her wrist from my old and trying to surpass me, but I'm quick to step in front of her once again.
"And yet it doesn't seem like you have any intention to accept my apologies."
"You can't expect to make ok every fucking terrible thing you say or do with a "sorry", for once I'd like you to prevent it, instead of trying to fix it once you've already fucked up." I sigh at her words, knowing damn well that she's right. I've always been impulsive and, before, I could've afforded it, because I had no one's feelings to care about, now it's a totally different story and yet it seems like I learned nothing.
"I know, I'm an idiot and I promise that next time, I'll think before speaking but right now I just want you to make it right to you," I sigh again, bringing my hand on her cheek and, for a second, her stare softens while she looks at me. "And I don't know how to make it right if not with some apologies and the promise that it won't happen again... so please, help me." At my words, she sighs and then she lowers her stare.
"Just give me some time..." she whispers, before surpassing me again and making her way to the bathroom. This time, I don't try to stop her.
On the ride toward my sister's house things don't seem to get better. I try to talk to her but what I get are dry responses that make me think that maybe she just wants to be left in peace for a bit of time. I can't blame her, considering how what I told her not too long ago.
When we get there, she seems like the old Scarlett all over again, at least with her brother and my sister. I try not to think about it and worry too much, without wondering if the smiles she puts on for Poe and Lucy are fake or not.
"How have you been, H?" My sister asks me, wrapping her arm around my waist. I surround her shoulders with my arm and I smile down at her, trying my best to look like everything is fine.
"Eh, fine... I can't complain." I shrug my shoulders.
"Dad told me what happened... it must've been horrible," she gives me a sad smile and I slowly nod my head.
"I'm good, don't worry... the risk of the job." I try my best to put on a smile again, trying to convince myself that I'm actually fine, because I really don't want to live it all over again in my head. "How is it going with you and the job, instead?" Her smile immediately grows and it seems like she's glad too to change the subject of the conversation so quickly.
"Very good... I just love it, but I think you already know."
"Yeah, I can tell..." I nod my head and chuckle with her.
"There's still a little place for you, if you want to join us..." she teases me, putting on a smart smirk, while I just roll my eyes at her.
"I'm good where I am, thanks..."
"Well, if you change your mind, you know we'll always have a place for you." She tells me with a smile on, but I can help but feel it almost as a thread in my head, so when Poe interrupts us I can't be other but glad.
"Ready to eat?" I promptly nod my head at him and we all walk toward the table to sit down.
"Have you seen the painting?" My sister asks Scarlett as soon as we sit down. Her stare immediately goes to the point my sister is pointing at and I quickly recognize one of Scarlett's paintings. She smiles at her and quickly nods her head.
"It looks wonderful with the furnishings!" She tells her, taking a sip of the red wine that Poe has just poured in every glasses.
"Yeah, I told you the orange would've looked perfect with the maroon tones..." Scarlett nods her head at my sister's words and gives her a weak smile, while Poe rolls his eyes at me when they start talking about furnishings and design.
"So have you started thinking about a date?" Lucy asks both of us, once the subject of the conversation changes.
"No." Scarlett dryly says, before I can open my mouth to say anything at all.
"Not yet..." I add. Scarlett gives me a quick look at my words, that I can't quite decipher.
"Do you want to try for a baby first or the wedding?" This time, I'm the one gulping while I try to fight the growing anxiety at the idea and other terrible thoughts to surface.
"We're not sure..." I shrug my shoulders, while she just nods her head at my words.
"Well, anyway, I'm just so happy for you guys!" Lucy tells us with a big smile, reaching for Scarlett's hand across the table to take a more attentive look at the engagement ring. "I knew that you would've ended up together, somehow."
"Same!" Poe says, nodding his head. "Except when everyone thought you were dead, you know..." We all stay silent at Poe's words, while my sister glances at him and we can hear the noise of her foot colliding with his leg from under the table. "Ow!" He exclaims in pain. "It was a joke!" He quickly defends himself.
"No one laughed, Poe." I tell him, rolling my eyes.
"It's fine... I can take a joke and he's right," Scarlett nods her head. "Life truly is unpredictable, so you really never know what's going to happen," she says. "Or not going to happen." This time, looks straight at me and I feel my throat and mouth getting extremely dry.
"Are you ok, Scar?" My sister asks her, while both her and Poe keep moving their stares between the two of us with their eyebrows furrowed. Obviously, they must've understood that there's something not ok between the two of us, or with Scarlett, considering that a minute ago was the longest she talked through the whole dinner.
"Yeah, I'm so sorry... I just have a terrible headache and it's killing me." She takes a deep breath before answering and then she puts on a weak smile. "I'm sure I haven't been the greatest company tonight..." She chuckles and lowers her stare on her still almost full plate, since she barely ate.
"Oh, don't worry... you must be tired and probably nervous for tomorrow, no?!" I take a few seconds, before remembering what's about to happen tomorrow and once I do, I have to fight against the same feelings of not so long ago.
"Yeah, you have no idea..." she nods her head and before any of us can add anything else, she stands up from her seat.
"I'm going to the bathroom, if you don't mind." She says.
"Yeah, don't worry." My sister says.
"I'll go make sure she's alright..." I quickly say, as soon as she disappears down the corridor, toward the bathroom. I'm already up, once they answer me and on my way behind her.
She doesn't take too long to come out of the bathroom, but when she does she just looks extremely pale, so I momentarily forget the speech I had ready in my head.
"Are you ok?" I ask right away, making clear how concerned I am. She looks up at me and seems surprised to find me here for a second, before slowly nodding her head.
"I was serious when I said I have a terrible headache," she sighs and looks up at me, waiting for me to say something and I think I know what she wants to hear right now.
"Do you wanna go home?" I ask her and she slowly nods her head.
Once we go back to the living room, Poe and Lucy immediately stop their conversation, to bring their slightly concerned eyes on us.
"Scarlett's not feeling too well, so we're going home..." I say and at my words, they both immediately stand up from their seats to walk over to us to say goodbye.
"I'm so sorry, I just need a really long sleep." Scarlett tells Lucy, once she goes up to her to greet her with a hug.
"Don't worry, I get it... maybe we can meet on Saturday, yeah?" I hear her saying and Scarlett quickly nods her head.
"I'll text you!" She then tells her.
"Take care of her, bro!" Poe tells me with a smile, before letting me go and I just smile and promptly nod my head at him.
"You too!" I quickly add.
"Do you want me to stop to buy something for your headache?" I ask her, once we're in the car and on our way home.
"No, I bought my pills. I have them in my luggage." Scarlett tells me.
"Well, do you want to stop somewhere so I can get you some food?" I try again, remembering her full plate very clearly when we left.
"I'm not hungry..." she furrows her eyebrows and looks at me with a confused stare, probably because she doesn't know that I have noticed that she hasn't eaten at all.
"Well, you should eat something, especially when your head hurts." I insist.
"I told you I'm fine, I just want to sleep." She sighs in exasperation and rolls her eyes.
"You don't want some sushi?" I try again with her favorite food.
"God, no!" She snorts and scrunches up her nose, almost disgusted at the mere idea.
"What's wrong with sushi?" I ask with my eyebrows furrowed.
"I just want to sleep, ok?!" She raises her voice at me and once I finally nod my head in understanding she finally breathes a sigh of relief.
Once we get home, she immediately locks herself in the bathroom and she doesn't leave too soon. It makes me think that she doesn't want to see me or want to have to do with me for too long tonight. When she comes out, she's already wearing her pajamas. She walks to our bed and even if I try hard to let her be and just let her have some time as she's asked, I can't help but feel nervous, so I don't stop myself.
"You don't want to marry me?" I say out loud, feeling my heart beating hard into my chest, but I can't help but wonder since what she said during the dinner. She lowers her stare and she takes a while to answer me, probably thinking clearly about what she wants to say.
"I do but you make it very easy for me to change my mind, sometimes..." she looks up at me, with the same sadness as mine, filling up her eyes. I almost feel like breathing a sigh of relief at her words, but I hold myself back.
"I know, I'm a mess and you deserve the world but I promise you that I'll try my best to give it to you." I stretch my arm toward hers, caressing it with my fingertip and, at my words, she looks up at me. She crawls toward me and on the mattress and straddles me.
"I don't want anything else but you..." She says against my lips, bringing both of her hands on my cheeks, while I keep mine around her waist. "But you need to talk to me, instead of using me as your punching bag. I need you to tell me when you have a problem, keeping it inside isn't going to help." I slowly nod my head at her words but I can't help but being worried, because I know that it won't be as easy as it seems, not for me. I've never had someone to talk to about my problems, I'm not used to showing myself as vulnerable, it's always been difficult for me.
She slowly cuts the distance between our lips and once I feel her lips on mine, every single one of my concerns seem to be momentarily forgotten.
She cups my face, keeping her forehead pressed against mine. We stay still for a time that seems endless, just enjoying each other's warmth and proximity.
Her fingertips brush my neck, while I bring my hand between her hair, massaging her scalp. She sighs with relief, clearly enjoying my little massage for her aching headache.
"Are you really nervous for tomorrow?" I whisper at her ear, while I keep massaging her scalp. She slowly nods her head and leaves a small kiss on my neck.
"Everything will be fine, whatever he'll say." She smiles against my skin and then wraps her arms around my neck, to hold me tight against her chest. "I'll be right there by your side."
"I love you... so much," she looks up at me with a smile and then leans in to kiss me.
"I love you too, baby." I wrap my arms around her and then I slowly lay down, with her on top of me. "Let's sleep a bit now, yeah?" I whisper in her hair and she quickly nods her head, with a wide smile on her lips.
SCARLETT
I had slept incredibly well, pressed against Harry's warm chest, but when I wake up I'm immediately hit by a sense of nausea and nervousness.
Harry's not in bed anymore, so I quickly get up, walking toward the bathroom. Before entering, I can hear the water streaming inside, so I immediately assume that Harry's taking a shower.
I take a deep breath and get inside, closing the door behind me. Harry immediately notices me, so he moves his attentive stare on me.
"What are you doing already up?" I ask him, leaning against the washing machine and crossing my arms over my chest.
"Cielo texted me and asked me if I can pick Andres up and take him to school." I slowly nod my head in understanding, trying to hide my nervousness for today. "I won't be late." He says, coming out of the shower, wrapping his white towel around his waist and walking toward me right after, to kiss me good morning. "How are you feeling today?" He asks me.
"Nervous..." I shrug my shoulders and I try to give him a smile, while trying hard to fight the urge of throwing up right here and now. When I look up at him, the hard expression on his face tells me that he's probably as nervous as me and it doesn't help at all. Before I can actually throw up on him, I push him out of the way to run toward the toilet. I fall to my knees just in time, managing not to throw up on the floor.
"Scar, are you ok?" I feel Harry holding my hair back and out of my face. I quickly nod my head and once I feel fine again, I slowly get back on my feet with Harry's help.
"I throw up all the time when I'm too nervous," I say, while I keep nodding my head. I slowly walk toward the sink to get my toothbrush to wash my teeth.
"Are you sure you're ok?" He asks me again.
"Yeah, just go pick up your son..." I smile at him and he waits a few seconds, before giving in to me. He kisses my cheek and then gives me a soft smile.
"I'll see you later..." he tells me once he gets on the doorway.
"Don't be late, please!" I tell him again and he just nods his head, waving his head at me, before disappearing.
"God, I need to get a grip..." I say to myself, once I wash my teeth, taking deep breaths to calm down as I normally do.
I still have the whole morning before the doctor's appointment, so I decide to take a bath to relax while Harry's away.
Since I've taken this decision, I've been thinking about it a lot, but it didn't feel as real as it is now. I remember the time when I've been first told that I wouldn't have been able to give birth, ever. I also remember all the times that came after that and all the doctors that repeated me the same exact thing.
I had moved on. It had taken a while but I had moved on. I'm not sure how it will feel this time, in hearing the same things once again. I know it will be more difficult because, no matter how many times I tried to deny it to myself, I believed it. Maybe I still do and that's what makes it so extremely hard.
After I take my bath, I spend some time drying up my hair, since I don't have any intention in going there with my hair still wet, as I usually do. I start getting dressed, only once that I've already done my makeup.
I just pick a classic pair of black trousers and a white t-shirt, deciding to leave my hair untied, down my shoulders for once.
I was expecting Harry to be quicker but instead he's been out for quite a lot. I decide to wait until half an hour before the appointment, before trying to call him. When he doesn't answer, I decide to send him a text.
Where are you? We are going to be late if you don't hurry up x
Once I've pressed "send", I sit down on the border of the bed, waiting for an answer, with my phone right in my hand, not feeling able to let it go, while my heart beats fast into my chest, still shaken by the same nervousness of this morning.
While the time goes by, I can't help but feel even more nervous. My first instinct is thinking that maybe something happened to Harry while he was coming back here and my anxiety just keeps growing.
I don't think too much before dialing Cielo's number and she doesn't take too long to answer.
"Hey, Scarlett... everything's alright?" She obviously seems very surprised by my call and I can't blame her.
"Hi, Cielo... yeah, everything's alright I was only wondering if you happened to have any kind of news from Harry." She takes a while to answer, probably because she doesn't understand how she would know better than me.
"Uhm, not really... he called me around 9 A.M. to tell me that he had left Andres at school, then nothing," she tells me. At least he really had to pick Andres up. I can't really tell if I'm relieved or not. "Why? Is something wrong?"
"Uhm, no... it's just that he's not here yet, he's not answering his phone and he was supposed to take me somewhere." I sigh, trying to hide my sadness from her.
"Well, I'm around so if you want I can give you a lift." She tells me.
"Oh, no, it's alright! I can get a taxi... I was just worried since he's not answering his phone."
"Well, I'll let you know if I hear something from him... maybe he just stopped somewhere and lost the track of time."
"Yeah, probably! Thank you, Cielo... have a nice rest of the day." I tell her, before hanging up the phone. The moment I do and I see the time on the screen, I notice that the time of our appointment was more than 20 minutes ago. He wouldn't lose the track of time for something that is so important for both of us.
I try calling him again and when he doesn't answer I immediately start assuming the worse. A lot of terrible thoughts go through my head as I try to fight the urge to throw up again and convince myself that I'm just exaggerating.
When I call him for the third time, I decide to leave a message in his voicemail, hoping that maybe he'll listen to it.
"Hey... it's me. Where are you? Is everything alright? I'm getting worried, please... call me back. I love you." I say, ending the call once I've left the voicemail.
I wait a couple of minutes. The next thing that comes to my mind is trying to call Poe, maybe they're together and it would explain why he lost the track of time, but before I can dial his number he finally texts me back.
I open it quickly and my heart almost stops just as quick in reading the words on the screen.
I can't do this. I'm sorry.
I try not to think of the worst while reading his generic words on the screen, but it's hard not to. It's hard to think that he's purposefully skipped my appointment while I was here, worrying for his sake like a fucking idiot.
What do you mean? What happened??
I take deep breaths while I text him back and wait for an answer, trying hard to calm down. Thankfully, he doesn't take too long.
I don't want another baby, I'm sorry
I stare at the screen, not really knowing what to say or do right now, or even think, just trying to understand how I feel.
He's done exactly what he had promised not to do. He ran away, instead of talking to me and he didn't even have the courage to tell this to my face.
I fight against my tears, but it's a useless battle because I can already feel them, streaming down, wetting my cheeks and blurring my sight, while I furiously throw everything I can find around inside of my luggage.
I don't think it through and I don't even want to, I just rush to leave from here as fast as I can, but I understand that I did it all in vain when I see him standing there, in front of the door.
He looks at me, with his eyes filled up with tears, but it's not going to work this time. I'm not going to change my mind and forgive him again.
"I ruined everything this time, didn't I?!" He whispers and lowers his stare.
"You did!" I gulp, before answering, but I manage to let out my voice as determined as possible. He bitterly chuckles and slowly nods his head.
"I lost my mind, Scar... I don't know. I tried to convince myself that this was something I wanted until the very last minute but I just couldn't do it." I bitterly laugh at his words, feeling almost the urge to slap some sense into him, or maybe myself.
"And you didn't even find the courage to tell me this. You ran away, you hid somewhere until the problem was gone." I raise my voice at him. "And you let me know through a fucking text. A fucking text, Harry!" I scream at him, feeling my tears streaming down my face again now and I don't even know for how long they have. "And the worst part is that I thought something had happened to you... that you had gotten injured, or worse." I bitterly chuckle and I lower my stare, hiding it away from him.
"I was scared... I didn't know how to tell you." A sob escapes his mouth and I look up at him, just to find him there, with tears streaming down his face too.
"You just needed to talk to me, that's exactly what I asked you yesterday and you promised me you would've done it." He frustratedly passes his hands through his hair while I talk. "I just want to know what's going on in your head, but apparently you don't even trust your future wife enough for it." I bitterly chuckle at him, shaking my head.
"You want to know what's going on in my head, Scar?!" He yells at me, for the first time since he's come in. "I keep seeing that little girl taking a bullet in her head in front of me and then it gets worse..." he bitterly chuckles to himself, with tears that slowly stream down his face. "I see our daughter taking the same bullet and sometimes I see you and I just know that I can't protect you both because what makes you think that I could save you or our future baby if I couldn't even save her?!" He sobs, screaming his crude words at me. "A kid doesn't deserve that... they should never go through it. Every fucking bad thing in this world... I can't do that, I'm terrified." He shakes his head, trembling in front of me, while his breath comes out in puffs.
Everything would've been different if he had told me this since the start. Or better, if he had simply told me about it. But maybe, after all, it's my fault. I didn't try to listen, I didn't read the signs, I just ignored them because I desperately wanted it. I should've known yesterday, by the way he reacted after what happened with Andres, that he wasn't fine as he had said. I wonder if he's pretended to be fine all this time because, maybe, he didn't want me to worry.
"Why didn't you tell me... ?" I wonder, taking a small step toward him to get nearer.
"Because I'm not used to it... I don't know how to do it in the right way." He says with his voice low and then he shrugs his shoulders. I take his hand in mine and I look up at him.
"You have to trust me and talk to me... that's the only way." I cup his cheek with my hand and he lowers his face toward mine, brushing my lips with his.
"I don't feel ready, Scar... not right now." He whispers against my lips. I would be lying if I said that I'm not disappointed but I get it. He's saying the truth when he's telling that he's not ready. He has to overcome what has happened first and he's all my understanding. "It's not a never, it's just a not right now." He brings his hand to my cheek, caressing it with delicacy.
"Yeah, we have to take care of you first..." I try to smile at him and slowly nod my head. He wraps his arms around my waist and he holds me against his chest. I get on my tiptoes to bring my lips to his and he's quick to kiss me back.
We can make it. I'm sure that together we'll overcome this too.