(TRIGGER WARNING!!!)
(Press Play Immediately)
(Still Levi's P.O.V.)
It was as if my soul was crushed within me. For a fraction of a moment I froze, not wanting to believe the scene my eyes took in. "EREN!" I yell as I rush over to the side of the small bathtub. Eren laid, eyes closed, submerged in water tinted a pinkish red. "Nonononono! Eren!" I see remains of a razor blade taken apart on the tile floor. I lift him up a bit, not caring about the water spilling out due to the movement, and lightly shook him. It was no use, he was unconscious. My voice broke as I shrieked, "HANJI! Eren! Say something!"
A feeling of small relief fell over me as he slowly opened his eyes. The beautiful green color I was used to seeing, was clouded and dull. He spoke in the most broken voice that shook every nerve in my body, "I-I couldn't do it." He weakly muttered.
"It's ok, I'm here. HANJI!" I yell in a panic as Eren falls back into unconsciousness. I snake my arms under him and lift his naked body out of the water just as Hanji runs in. Before she can say anything I instruct, "Get me a towel! Now!" She grabs me one hanging up and I wrap it around Eren's thin frame as if it were a blanket. I knew he was skinny but he was surprisingly light and for some reason that made me even sadder.
I sit on the hard floor leaned against the tub with Eren's limp body in my arms as I took a closer look at his wounds. About half a dozen deep cuts ran across his left forearm. What did he mean by "he couldn't do it?" I then notice the beginning of a vertical gash that maybe went a few centimeters starting at the base of his palm before stopping. So that's what he meant, he couldn't go through with actually killing himself, but this was still way too fucking close!
"Hanji get the first aid kit! We don't need to call an ambulance, he's not in danger."
She runs out of the room and I hold his still bleeding arm. I move him so he was curled up in my lap and I could hold him close. He was cold to the touch and I kept pressure over the gashes on his wrist, stopping the bleeding. My clothes were soaked and stained with his blood but I didn't care. My clothes were the least of my worries, all I wanted to do was hold this brat and make all his pain go away.
I should have just talked to him earlier. This is all my fault. I failed him. Eren, please wake up.
Hanji returned with the first aid kit and she helps me wrap his arms with gauze. The bleeding finally stopped and things calmed down. Hanji began to clean the bathroom but I refused to move from my position. She sat against the doorframe after emptying the tub and I watched the bloody water disappear down the drain.
Another 5 minutes pass and he was still out, but his breathing slowed and I felt his heartbeat in a steady rhythm. Hanji fell asleep due to her lack of sleep as well and I closed my eyes and began to rock us side to side as I held my arms tightly around his torso. "Shh, it's ok, everything is gonna be......ok."
I honestly couldn't say whether or not I was telling Eren that or just trying to reassure myself. I've never felt anything close to what I felt at this moment. The feeling of helplessness was above all the worst of everything I felt. More than the regret, the fear, the devastation, confusion, anger, everything. Why can't I keep him safe? Why do I keep failing him? I just wanted him to wake up so one, I could tell him how much of an idiot he is but more so I can just know he's okay. How does this kid have such an effect on me? Is it just 'cause I see myself in him? Because I feel pity? No. That's not it. Not all of it at least. I don't understand.
It wasn't too long after that when Eren began to stir. "Eren?" I whisper.
He blinked his eyes open, "Nhn.... w-wha- L-Le-"
"It's ok, you're ok." I comfort.
He snaps into reality and he looks at his surroundings. I guess he noticed the small towel that didn't really cover anything for his face reddened like a strawberry. I honestly didn't care, it was the least of my worries, but he was still young so I moved the towel a bit so he was covered a little better.
"T-thanks..."
"Do you remember what happened?" I ask softly.
He nods and lifts his arm weakly and sees the amount of bandages wrapped around his arm. He still had no strength as he attempted to sit up but I held him back and shook my head, telling him no. "I....I'm so s-sorry." He whispered.
"No, Eren I'm sorry I shouldn't have sent you away earlier. I should have noticed there was something wrong and talked to you..." I apologized.
"I shouldn't have been so weak!" He wailed.
"Eren. Just tell me why." I pressed.
"My dad hates what I am so much he'd rather see people like us die! He said that! And I know I have people in my life but I still feel so alone. Armin or Hanji can't possibly get what I'm going through, Erwin and I aren't that close and because I..." He stopped as if catching himself from saying something he didn't want to. "I-I couldn't do it... I couldn't.... I thought of all I had.... Armin, Mikasa, Jean, Hanji... you. Why?"
"Why what?" I ask genuinely confused.
"Why have you been so kind to me? Ever since the beginning you've always said you understood but never explained why." He spoke.
I hesitated for a moment, I think it's time to tell him about my own scars.
*Sigh* "I figured out I was gay when I was 14. I thought my family would be more accepting because none of us were religious. But my dad was very... strict. Wasn't afraid of putting me in my place. Granted I was a rebellious kid. Truth came out a little bit after I turned 16." I started.
"My dad beat the shit out of me. Said he didn't raise a bitch as a son. But God's will wasn't the reason he was so upset. He was just a drunk, homophobic, bastard. H-he sent me to one of those conversion camps...." My voice trailed off as I admitted that, and it caused Eren's mouth to drop.
"For three months I faked my... recovery. Everything got better until my dad caught me in bed with another boy."
(Flashback~ TRIGGER WARNING!~)
"Levi what the hell is this?!"
Me and the boy I was with both jumped at my dad's sudden entrance. He wasn't supposed to be home until much later. "Dad I-I can explain!!"
Once the boy ran out of the room, I was left to fend for myself. "Dad... I'm sor-" SLAP
"I pay for your treatment and this is how you thank me?!" He snarled and dragged me by my wrist down the stairs and into the living room where my mother sat, holding a crack pipe between her bony fingers. He threw me on the floor and sat on top of me.
"Dad please! Get off! You're hurting me!" I pleaded. My arms were pinned down to the wooden floor as my father's knees dug into them. Suddenly he pulls his pocket knife out, flipped it open and held it to my neck threatening to kill me. All the while my mother watches silently, she was too high to even care what was happening. My dad then moved to hold my right arm in place, extended to the side, forearm exposed as he brought the sharp blade to my pale skin.
"You wanna be a faggot so badly huh? Then I'll make sure the entire world knows how much of a disgrace you really are!!"
"NO STOP! I'M BEGGING YOU NOO!" I struggled to get free, kicking and punching for my life but it was no use for he was much stronger than me. "DAD! DON'T PLEA- AHHHHHHH!!!
(End of Flashback)
"Levi?!" A voice brings me back to reality and I realize I got lost in my thoughts. I feel liquid build up in my eyes and blink it away.
"The last time I saw my father, he did this to me." I grimaced and lift my right arm for Eren to see.
"Y-your tattoo?" He said confused.
"Look closer." His eyes squint and I watch the realization appear on his adolescent features. He raised his good arm and lightly ran his fingers on the scars that haunted me. The past I try to forget but never succeed. Hidden well behind the ink, only visible if one was looking for it.
F A G G O T
"W-what..." Eren was in shock.
"My "father" carved this into my skin the day I left. Said if I wanted to be one so badly he'll let the entire world know who I was, a disgrace....I was 16." I recalled the painful memory. "Now I'm not using this to lower your experiences, not at all. It's just when your father hit you it struck something in me to protect you at any cost. And when I found your cuts.... I felt like I failed you in some way." I speak and decide to show him something else. "Look." I slide the left side of my joggers down a bit and roll my boxers up, revealing to Eren my own history. Countless scars litter my thigh from when I was younger. "This is only a little of what I have but every single one reminds me I'm still alive. That I've taken all the shit life has thrown at me and survived. You can too."
"L-Levi I'm sorry! I'll never do this again!" Eren covered his face and buried it in my chest. I let his tears rain down his cheek to be soaked up by my shirt until he fell asleep from pure exhaustion. This damn kid.
I carried Eren to his room and lay him on the bed. I feel Hanji's hand on my shoulder, "I'll take it from here. You've done enough." She consoles.
My eyes stayed put on Eren's face, though he was asleep, his expression was anything but peaceful. There were still traces of hardship and suffering warping his usual bright expression. I didn't want to leave him in this state but I knew I could trust Hanji. Always have always will. I turn to look at her and nod, "Okay. Goodnight Hanji, keep an eye on him," I mumble and go back to my own apartment.
"Long talk." Erwin quipped as I closed the door behind me.
That's it! "Eren just tried to kill himself over there you asshole!"
Erwin then turned around and noticed my blood-stained clothes and hands. "Oh my god! I-I'm so sorry! How is he?" He asked with concern and shot up from his seat on the couch.
".... Physically he'll be just fine.... but mentally...." I shrug my shoulders, I couldn't say anything else without almost screaming.
"And you?" Erwin asked softly as he walked up to me, still standing in the threshold. For the first time in the last few hours, I take a second and begin to realize the effects tonight had on me. I felt the slight aching pain in my head, the stiffness of my neck, and the tiredness of my eyes. I swallowed hard with some pain from how dry my throat was. I take a deep breath, filling up my lungs that were long deprived of anything other than short gasps of air, and release it in a shaky sigh. I lift my hands and notice how much they trembled.
"Levi?" Erwin asks again. I look up, taking my attention away from my sorry state to his worried pale blue eyes.
I drop my arms to my sides, closing my fists, "I'm fine." I whisper. I don't even know why I bothered, Erwin knows me too well at this point to pick up on my lies. With a sigh, he pulls my body to his, gently wrapping his arms around me. He rests his chin on my head and I close my eyes. I think about everything going on between us, the fights, the looks, the tension, but I push it all away at the moment. I lift my arms and wrap them around his waist, once I tighten my grip, he does the same as my trembling slows to a halt.
After a minute or so Erwin pulls away a bit and leans down, planting a soft kiss on my lips. "I love you." He reassures me.
I'm so physically and mentally exhausted from tonight that I couldn't force any words out even if I wanted to. I only nod and hug him once more.
After the embrace I leave to take a shower, trying to calm myself down after tonight's incident. I've always been able to hide my emotions well, bury them deep, except for one. Anger. The one thing I don't have a good grip on and it always comes back to bite me in the ass. I close my eyes but only picture Eren's lifeless body, his grief-stricken face, and his eyes full of tears.
"Goddammit!" My fist collides with the tile wall with a loud crack. I press my forehead against its cold surface and look down to see for the second time today, Eren's blood wash down the drain. That night I went without an ounce of sleep.
(Eren's P.O.V.)
I slowly open my eyes, recognizing the dark room as my own. I shift in my bed carefully as pain from my forearm shoots through my muscles. I then notice movement on my left.
"Han-ji?" I say in a raspy voice due to my dry throat. She rested her head on my mattress, sitting on a stool. Did she stay here all night?
Hanji stirs awake and she shoots up when she realized I was up. "Eren! You're awake! Um, h-how are you feeling?"
"...Fine. My arm hurts a bit but I'm ok." I say sitting up.
"Ok then..." Smack!
"Ow! What was that for?!" I asked rubbing the back of my head that she hit. I look at her and was caught off guard when I saw tears in her eyes.
"You idiot! You deserved it for scaring us like that!" She sniffled.
When I saw how much pain I put her through guilt rose inside me and I grabbed her trembling hands. "I'm sorry, I see how dumb it was now. I'd never want to put people I care about through that kind of trauma. I promise."
"You better." She scolds.
We sit in silence but one thing kept replaying in my mind. "...Hanji?.... Levi told me about his... scars. You were friends with him when that happened right? Can you tell me a little more?"
Hanji's eyes turned sad and she spoke with sorrow. "Levi"s father was abusive. There was always a new bruise or cut. He was adamant about keeping his sexuality a secret. After that secret slipped, he was forced to a conversion camp by his father. After an entire summer, he finally returned and pretended to be straight. I agreed to keep his secret but...." She takes a deep breath and continues, "One night I woke up to a knock on my bedroom window. I opened it to see Levi. He was a mess, and when he asked for help in the most heartbreaking voice I saw his arm.... let's just say it was something no 16 year old should ever see or go through. That man was no father, he tortured him."
"I'll never forget that night. He refused to go to a hospital because he didn't want his dad to find him. Luckily my mom was a nurse back then so she treated him correctly. We called the police despite him telling us not to. My dad argued on the phone for an hour, you'd think a report on child abuse would be more urgent. The next day Levi was taken out of school by police. Both his parents were arrested for dealing and making drugs, yet not even a word on the abuse he endured. Then Levi was put in the foster care system. My parents fought for him but weren't able to get custody. The justice system at it's finest."
"Did he ever get adopted?" I asked.
".... Nobody wanted a broken, temperamental, teenage boy. The few who gave him a chance took one look at his arm and changed their minds. Luckily he was placed at a good foster home until he was 18." Hanji spoke quietly. "He got that tattoo and covered those scars as soon as possible... and... never spoke about it again."
"...Oh," I mumble.
"Don't worry about him, he's strong. And you are too, don't forget that. Go back to sleep." Hanji consoled and left the room quietly.
Then everything clicks. That's why he always got so weird whenever my dad came up. When he hit me. Levi got so affected by it! I never understood why but it all makes sense.
I promise never to do something like this ever again. For everyone's sake.
I close my eyes and welcome sleep. That night, it was only Levi in my dreams.