"I wish I was colourblind because I see shades of you when I don't want to..."
– Nautica
❀❀❀
~ D O R O T H Y ~
October 1997
From the balcony, I stare at the orphan girls playing badminton on the grass. Laughter erupts when one of them trips over an acorn and falls onto the ground. I would have laughed too if it were not for today's shocking revelation.
Mother is coming this Saturday to take me back to London.
The sun is setting and a cool breeze blows through my brown hair. While I stare blankly at the scenic view of open-spaced farmland with trees scattered everywhere, unhappy memories from seven years ago dominate my mind.
The pain. The misery. The despair.
I promised myself to forget that woman and the life that I had before being abandoned here. I actually did abide by that promise, but it was not easy. I cried. I screamed. I gave up hundreds of times. But eventually, I managed to lock away the memories and the feelings associated with them.
Until today.
'Why mummy? Why?' a younger version of my voice croaks in my mind. 'Why did you leave me here? I love you... I thought you loved me too...'
Images of drenched pillows, barely touched food and reflections of a younger, scrawny version of myself in the mirror flash in my head.
"Dorothy dear," Sister Alexa's voice pulls me back to reality.
I blink before I notice that Sister Alexa is sitting on a chair next to mine. I did not realise that she came here. She places her warm hand over mine and shoots me a small smile in an attempt to comfort me. I look away from her, down at the orphan girls.
"How lucky those girls are," I say.
Sister Alexa glances at the young girls before she shakes her head.
"My dear, you should be grateful that your mother is even alive. Those poor girls have no one, not even a mother."
"At least they know that they were wanted by their mother," I say. "At least they know that if their parents were still alive today, they would have been loved by them. They would have been kept by them in a warm, loving home."
Sister Alexa makes me face her. Her warm, brown eyes soften.
"No, do not look at it this way, Dorothy. If your mother does not want you, then why is she coming all the way from London to take you back?"
"That is what's bothering me," I say. "She has neglected me for seven years, Sister Alexa. Seven long years. I don't understand why she's coming now. It appears as if... as if she suddenly remembers that she has a daughter."
"She may have her reasons," she suggests.
"What reasons?" I scoff, facing the other way. "I told myself that I will forget the past, and I did. But now... my mother is coming for me. I can't face her. She..."
An image of her comes into my head and my eyes sting. I cannot even remember her face clearly.
"I hate that woman so, so much," I say through gritted teeth. "My blood boils at the thought of her. She betrayed me. She abandoned me! She is no mother of mine. That woman is dead to me."
She does not say anything. She simply looks ahead of her and sighs.
"Look at the sunset," she then says after a while.
I comply.
"The day has ended. I guess I only have four more sunsets left to see with you," she whispers.
I turn my head to face her. She is watching the sunset with shiny brown eyes and a forced smile. Feeling my heart sink, I stand up and near her to wrap my arms around her. She returns the hug, sniffing.
"I don't want to leave this place," I tell her, letting her go to wipe her tears away with my right sleeve. "I don't want to leave you. You are like a mother to me."
She cups my cheeks with her soft hands.
"My dear, no matter what I do, you belong to your mother. Always."
"I–"
"Let me finish. It is because you belong to your mother that I beg you to not resist."
I gasp loudly, throwing my hand over my forehead. A little overdramatic, I know. But when she said those words, sadness took a hold of her expression, and I want to lighten up the mood.
"You want me to leave, Sister Alexa? Why, I thought that what we have between us is something reeeeeally special," I say, pouting.
She forces a faint smile before she sniffs.
"If it were up to me, I would never let you go. I would hide you in the horse stables and tell your mother that you have run away. But, I cannot lie," she continues.
Her words make my heart warm and fuzzy.
"Wow. I never knew that you loved me so much," I say cheekily, sitting back down on my chair.
She rolls her eyes before she clears her throat and looks at me with a serious expression.
"Principal Georgina has decided to inform your mother of what has happened to you that night," she informs me, making my face fall.
"No. I don't want her to know what happened. She doesn't deserve to know."
"Are you sure?"
"Of course! That's the last thing I want her to know about me."
Sister Alexa then smiles.
"Good." I frown.
"Good?" I ask.
"I will promise to persuade Principal Georgina to not inform your mother, only if you promise me that you would go back to London with your mother without causing any trouble."
"What? I thought you were just joking about that! Aren't you supposed to be on my side?" I exclaim.
"And I am, my dear Dorothy. Trust me. You will have far better opportunities in London than here. You are a bright student. You have great potential. London will treat you so much better. Do not let this acrimony with your mother stop you from accomplishing wonderful things."
I can't believe what she is saying! Has she forgotten what I have been through? What I have just said to her?
"Sister Alexa, I can't–"
"You told me you want to study Biology at Imperial. That is your goal, is it not?"
"I...I... I mean, yes it is but–"
"Go to London with your mother. Work hard. Live a little. Get into Imperial. Make sure to visit me whenever you can," she orders sternly. "So, do you promise that you will go without retaliating or running away?"
"I can still get in if I study here–"
"With an extremely low chance. None of our alumni have studied at a prestigious university. Please. Dorothy. For my sake. For your own sake. Go and build a great future."
I stare at her in disbelief. What she said is absolutely true. A part of me admires her for thinking about my situation so much more sensibly than me; she really does love me. However, the other part of me is still adamant of not going back.
"But–"
"No 'buts'. It is only a matter of a year. It will not kill you. Think of it as a small price to pay for getting into Imperial."
And just like that, Sister Alexa checkmated me.
"...Fine," I huff.
"Promise?"
"I... I promise."
Upset, I look down and see the same orphan girls gathering together to set up fireworks. Small firework shows are usually displayed when it's someone's birthday. I guess one of those girls has her birthday today.
About ten minutes later, the girls retreat after lighting the fireworks under the supervision of a Sister.
Whoosh and BANG!
The fireworks sizzle in the night sky. Watching the show with Sister Alexa, I am mesmerised by the beautiful colours.
Blue...
Gold...
Red...
Green...
'I like the green one', a little boy's voice suddenly echoes in my head.
Images from seven years ago on a Guy Fawkes Night pop up. An excited little boy watches the multitude of glittery colours bursting in the sky.
'Why?' my young voice asks.
He looks at me with a toothy grin and deep dimples. His chocolate-brown eyes are full of warmth and affection.
'Because it matches your eyes, and I think your eyes are pretty.'
I snap out of my memory with wide eyes and a racing heart. Realisation immediately dawns on me.
Mother is not the only person I forced myself to forget.
***
Today is Friday, and I have a lot to do today. The fact that my mother is coming tomorrow kicked in last night.
And I may have bursted Charlotte's pillows during my little tantrum...
I wake up bright and early, about six o'clock. After having one boiled egg and a slice of toasted bread for breakfast, I gather my Biology notes, photocopy them seven times, prepare them as books and hand six of them to all of my students at their houses. Everyone knows one another around here, including me. I know where my students live. I also say my farewell. All of them are grateful for the books and a few are quite content that they will no longer have to attend extra classes.
By the time I finish, it's nearly half past three.
Exhausted and sweaty, I sit down on the grass and rest. A cool breeze is felt, causing me to shiver in a pleasant way. Cars are rarely seen here, there are no buildings with more than three floors and markets are set up three times a week. That's how rural the area is. But, it's always peaceful around here, and I have always liked that, although it does get quite tedious many times.
I start to wonder why my mother finally decided to bring me home. How is she coping her loss? Does she have kids with my stepfather?
A pang of hurt shoots through me.
"Dorothy, no. Stop thinking about her. You don't need her," I scold myself. "Forget the past."
But then, how can I forget the past when my past is coming after me?
I lie down on the verdant ground, dwelling into my thoughts. I do not notice that time flies by until Sister Alexa comes into my view, just when the sun is about to set.
"Dorothy, what are you doing?" she asks.
"Appreciating the ground. It's comfortable," I reply, patting the ground.
She sits down next to me.
"Have you completed your mission?" she asks.
The first phase, yes. The second, not quite. I still have to leave a farewell present for Charlotte, but Sister Alexa doesn't have to know about that.
Mwahaha.
"The notes were photocopied and dispatched," I say innocently. "I have an extra copy. I'll give it to you, in case anyone else needs it."
"How thoughtful of you. So tomorrow is the day," she says.
"Tomorrow," I groan, rolling onto my stomach and hitting my forehead against the ground three times. "You know, you and I can still run away. With my advertising skills and your advice-giving business, we could make a fortune. We can live in a hut in Barbados."
"Tempting. But I would rather see you study at Imperial. Now, you must behave tomorrow. Remember our promise."
"Whatever," I mutter, hitting my forehead against the ground once more.
***
Today is the day my mother will collect me from St. Anne's Boarding School.
I am in a small, fancy dining room where the visitors usually meet the students. When I say visitors, I mean the students' parents or other relatives.
I was never called into this room, so it was weird that Principal Georgina forced me to sit in this room on a wooden chair behind a wooden circular table. The areas of St. Anne's which are accessible to visitors are quite fancy, which I do not approve of. We students should be graced with such beautiful interior designs everyday as we live here and not the visitors.
I bite my lower lip as I think of the ways I can potentially escape from this room and run away. Suspicious of my intentions, Principal Georgina locked both the door and windows before she left me alone here.
But honestly, I have no intention to escape as I promised not to.
I hear faint voices. They grow louder. The door is unlocked before it is opened to reveal a beaming Principal Georgina. Of course she is happy. She is finally getting rid of me. I frown at her huge smile but then I freeze when I see an aged woman appear right beside her.
Her figure is slim. She is wearing dark, fitted clothes and back high heels. She stands still when she sees me. Her green eyes reflect my own. I have always known that I have her eyes, but I have underestimated the amount of similarity between them and my own.
She is just standing there, analysing my appearance. I can tell she has aged, but then again, I am seeing her after seven years; there is bound to be some changes in her facial features. As she continues to stare at me in curiosity, I start to feel uncomfortable.
"Miss Sherman?" Principal Georgina says, trying to catch her attention.
Suddenly, the woman's expression falls and she begins to sniff, pulling out a tissue from her coat pocket.
"S-Sorry. It's just that... God, she's so b-beautiful," she croaks.
Principal Georgina smiles widely again.
"She sure is. All of us think that she is the most beautiful girl in her class, if not the whole school," she admits, making my jaw drop.
Since when?
Everyone thinks I'm either a freak or the spawn of a devil that fell from Hell.
Then, unexpectedly, the woman rushes towards me and opens her arms wide to envelope me in a hug. I tense and sit there rigidly while this woman, who is apparently my mother, hugs me tightly.
Her hug.
I remember now.
One of the things I craved so much during my first two years in this boarding school was her hug.
I remember how I cried every night as I craved for my mother's affection.
I remember how all of the students would receive letters from their loved ones while I always waited for her letters to arrive, but they never arrived.
I remember how I envied the gifts every girl here would receive from their parents or guardians whenever they produced good academic results or when it was their birthdays.
Something within me suddenly snaps. All the anger I feel towards this woman accumulates and I find myself pushing her arms away from me and standing up from my chair abruptly. I look at her bloodshot eyes.
"Don't touch me!" I hiss through clenched teeth. "You have no right!"
Before Principal Georgina can chastise me for my rude behaviour, the woman speaks.
"Can you please excuse us, Principal Georgina?" she requests.
"Alright, Miss Sherman. I shall leave you two alone to bond," Principal Georgina informs.
Just before she turns around to exit the room, she faces me and mouths 'behave'.
As if.
I continue to glare at the woman.
"Dorothy, you have grown so much," she says, observing me once again.
"Have I?" I scoff. "Well, you wouldn't have been this surprised if you had visited me, oh I don't know, say, maybe once a year?"
Her face falls and she steps closer to me.
"Dorothy, I know you are mad at me but baby girl I will explain it all–"
"Well you're seven years too late," I snap at her, making her wince at my tone.
"Look, I know you are angry right now but I am taking you back to our home, and I promise you I will never let you go. I promise you I will be the loving mother you wan–"
"I needed a loving mother years ago. I don't anymore."
"Dorothy, please. I-I love you."
I freeze and feel my heart drops.
"There was not a second that I have not thought about you–"
"Well actions speak louder than words!" I yell with tears streaming down my face. "You just said that you love me. You love me? For seven long years... you blatantly ignored me. Is this how you express your love for me? You... You... You."
My words tremble and I am angry – no, furious – and utterly heartbroken. My clenched hands are shaking as I try hard to be strong. I can't let her words get to me.
And I shouldn't even be crying!
"Dorothy, I am so, so sorry. I want us to start over. Please let me get you out of here. Let's go back to London. You need to get out of this awful school. I want you to live with me. You're my daughter–"
"A daughter who you left alone in this 'awful' school seven years ago who, by the way, would much rather stay here than go back to London with you."
Her expression morphs from one of dejection and pain to one of annoyance.
"Dorothy, that is enough! You will leave this awful school and you will come back with me to London!"
"I will not go back with you!"
She takes a step closer to me, warningly.
"Well too bad, your say in this matter doesn't count unless you are eighteen years old, which you are not. Now let's go. I did not drive all the way here just so you can change my mind," she snaps.
I narrow my eyes at her and huff. Before I can retort and spew curses at her, the door opens and Sister Alexa enters. Her eyes widen when she analyses the situation.
"Oh, Dorothy dear. What is the matter? Are you crying?"
I wipe my tears away with my sleeves.
"It's nothing Sister Alexa. Just a happy family reunion," I say dryly, shooting my mother a glare.
Sister Alexa notices the glare and sighs before she turns to the visitor.
"You must be Dorothy's mother. I am Sister Alexa," she greets.
"Hello, I am Joanna Sherman," she replies.
Sister Alexa smiles before she looks at me disapprovingly.
"Remember our promise," she reminds me.
Mother raises her eyebrows, confused by her words. Suddenly, I develop a huge urge to scream. But instead, I stomp my right foot as hard as I can before storming out of the room to bring my piece of luggage.
"I swear Sister Jane prayed for this to happen!" I yell.
Mother, who has no clue of what I have just said, follows me after thanking Sister Alexa.
***
After I dump my piece of luggage onto the backseat of mother's pale yellow car, I slam the door shut on purpose, hoping that by doing that the car breaks down.
It doesn't, much to my disappointment.
Stupid car.
Mother is already sitting on the driver's seat, waiting for me. I turn to look at Sister Alexa and smile weakly at her, getting emotional.
"Come here, Dorothy dear," she says, spreading her arms out wide.
I walk to her and return her hug, sniffing.
Gosh, I really don't want to leave her.
When we pull apart, she wipes the tears from my face.
"Now follow your dreams, you hear? Write me letters, and do meet me whenever you can."
"I promise I will come back to meet you," I say.
Then, she takes out a small box from her black dress pocket and places it on the palm of my hand. Curious, I open the box.
A black beaded bracelet sits elegantly inside.
"Sister Alexa, this is beautiful. Did you make this?"
"Yes, I did."
"I love it," I tell her, hugging her again.
She then kisses the top of my head after we let go.
"Now go, my dear."
"I love you," I say to her.
Those words feel so foreign but they feel so right. Her smile widens and her brown eyes become more watery.
"I love you too, Dorothy."
Sniffing, I shoot her my biggest smile and then make my way towards the car. Waving at Sister Alexa one more time with a heavy heart, I open the door of the car and slip in. Once I put the seatbelt on, mother starts the car and begins to drive away.
As I watch Sister Alexa's reflection shrink in the wing mirror into nothingness, I wipe away the seemingly endless tears with my sleeves.
As a child, when I was afraid of sleeping alone in the empty dormitory during the holidays, Sister Alexa allowed me to sleep next to her. When I fell sick or accidentally hurt myself, she tended to me. When I cried, she was the first and only person to wipe away my tears and comfort me.
Sister Alexa, my confidante and my dearest companion, will always remain in my heart.
*~*~*~*~*
Surprise, surprise!
What do you think?