People always described the colour draining from their face, but nobody ever described the way it pooled at your feet. How you became lightheaded and almost sick. Like you had contracted some type of flu and fever designed to destroy the elements of your body, breaking down its natural defences.
I hated how powerless I instantly became as he sat opposite me, staring at me through his ocean blue eyes. There was anger there, accompanied by confusion, sadness, hope and questions. I never had to envision how this conversation would go, never imagined I'd be sitting across from him, watching as he holds the photo between his sun-kissed fingers. The same fingers that many years ago had been a source of my pleasure. The same fingers that had caused so much death, all in the sake of name, country and loyalty.
"Give me it." I spoke through my teeth, my voice coming out in a primal growl.
"How could you not tell me?" He asks still keeping it close to him.
"Cody." I warn, my anger jolts up in my body, the blood that was once pooled at my feet begins to rise. I feel it like hot lava crawl through my veins, trying to get back to the epicentre, my heart.
"This is my baby." He speaks his forefinger tracing the outline of its face.
"Give it back."
"This.. This is insane, incredible."
The sudden hatred that washes my body for the man who seemed to happy, makes me lunge for the photo. He predicted my move and snatches the photo away, letting my fingertips brush the glossy surface.
"I'm just looking it!" He defends, pinning his arm around my waist so I'm trapped across his frame, trying to grab the photo that was within eyesight but not within reach. His arm was too long, therefore he was now tainting me.
"She's mine!" I shout, a struggling noise leaving my throat as I tried reaching for the photo.
"A girl? A little girl." He says to himself looking at the photo in awe. Then the realisation dawns upon his face, the awe-struck changes into one of pain.
He shouldn't be looking. It's private. That photo is private! That's my baby! Mine!
"Lamb... W-what happened to our baby?"
The question I feared the most. I struggled and pushed until I squirmed off his lap. Getting to my feet, I could feel my chest heaving for air, the pain that was associated with the memory came flooding in.
What happened to our baby?
She was my baby. My precious... Don't go there.
Cody looked up to me waiting but I couldn't. I couldn't answer him, I couldn't give him the answers he wanted, the answers he needed!
"I'd like you to leave."
But as he rose off the chair, I stepped back. I had forgotten how tall he was in all this, how intimidating he looked sometimes...
"Tell me.." He whispered in a plea.
"I-I can't." I answered before rushing into our bedroom. Leaving him stood in the lounge, the photo still clasped between his fingers.
Push it down. Push it down and push it away. Contain it Leah. Contain it!
......
It was like yesterday was repeating itself. Except instead of me finding out that he was married, he was finding out that he had a daughter.
My eyes were fixed on the photos, the ones lined along his dresser. The ones he always wanted there because of reminded him that despite all the evil he saw. There was still something good in the world. That he was fighting to protect something close to his heart... Me.
The door opened making my ears heighten to the movement now in the silent bedroom.
His body came and sat beside mine, the smell of his cologne filling my senses. It's fruitiness as well as spicy scent made my body ease. He didn't speak, something I was always grateful of with Cody, he never felt the need to fill the silence. Most likely from his training. Instead, he made one small move, he took hold of my hand and held it.
The gesture was enough to have my eyes water profusely.
"I'm sorry." I whispered.
"What was she like?" He asked quietly.
My eyes snapped to his face "How would I know?!"
"You had two years to envision our daughter, I've had an hour. You must have some idea of what she looked like. Even if it wasn't right, I need... I need something. Some mental image." He struggled.
He was right. I had envisioned it..
"It won't help—"
"Tell me." He growled defiantly.
I blinked back the tears as his hand squeezed mine gently, almost trying to transfer some strength into me.
"I- I always imagined that she would have your eyes. Your thick hair that sticks up in the morning."
"Your lips and nose." He decides helping me along.
"Your laugh, the real one, the one you show me."
"Your eyelashes."
"She would have your strength, your courage and wisdom."
"But your kindness as well as your viper like tongue." He adds.
A tear slips from my eyes making me squeeze his hand tighter. "She would be beautiful, a happy, gorgeous baby."
"I would read to her every night before bed, do all the night feeds, I'd check under the bed every night as well as the closet to prove to her that there is no monsters." His head lowers and a struggled sound leaves his throat.
"You want to know what happened?" I asked wanting to make sure that this was what he wanted.
"I have to."
"I found out after you were killed or weren't killed, as it turns out. You were only two months into your tour and then you were gone." I snap my fingers "Just like that.... I couldn't cope. I fell into a dark abyss, there was no light, no ladder out or chance at fresh air. I had nothing. I spent days in bed, I didn't brush my hair for weeks. I just laid there, trying to deal with the pain of losing you. It hurt so bad. So fucking bad. I didn't eat, I couldn't. I felt sick all the time and nothing felt right. I just wanted you, nobody or nothing else. The time I managed to scrape myself together was your funeral. I passed out on the way home, totalled the car. I insisted I was okay, but I had a bump to the head, the police took me to the hospital and...." I paused to control the emotions that threatened to escape my body. "I was ill, underweight. Thin. Through my own grief, my own turmoil, I had unknowingly been starving our baby. She wasn't growing, she was too small to survive in the one place where she should have been safe."
Cody's hand tightens "This wasn't your fault."
"How can you say that? My head was so screwed up over losing you that I stopped everything! I'm the reason she didn't make it past that scan! It's my fault that the only piece of you I had left died... I thought I knew pain. But I didn't and then it just kept going. God I tried.... I tried to end it all. I didn't want to be alone. I couldn't imagine myself with anyone but you. You were all I knew. My heart beat for you Cody."
He pulled me into his shoulder rubbing my back as I struggled to catch my breath. Those few months were worst months of my life. The loss, the abandonment.. "I know and I'm sorry you went through it alone."
My arms wrap around his body, taking whatever form of strength he had to offer. The wound in my heart healing gently at being able to touch him, hold him and smell him again.
"Please do not blame yourself for any of it. We weren't prepared, I never imagined all this would happen... But I am truly sorry that I wasn't here to support you. For what it is worth, I think you're incredibly strong."
I pulled away and watched his eyes soften at my tears. Hushing me gently, as he wiped them away and laid a kiss on each cheek. His forehead rested on mine as he held my face between his hands.
"I love you Lamb. Always."
I realised that no matter what, myself and Cody were always going to have a bond. He was always going to have a place in my heart, a place in my soul that he carved out the moment we met. Me the awkward girl, him the hot Army guy. It was the start of some real mushy romance film, but there was tragedy, heartbreak, death, and the end? Well that was to remain open because things would never be over, not for us.
We were having a baby, a baby too precious for this earth, an angel before she could even take her first breath.
And maybe that is why I didn't pull away when his lips touched mine. I should have, I should have scolded him for even thinking it. But I didn't, instead I melted against the familiarity of him, the smell of his cologne, the clinking of his tags, the feel of his hands, the warmth of his skin. My emotions boil over and I find my tears running freely down my cheeks as I kiss him back. My fingers touching the tags as his lips moved against mine.
"I love you." He murmured between his kisses, pulling me in deeper.
His weight shifted, his body came towards mine and I welcomed it, laying back on the bed as he came over me. His hands running up my body, his lips moved, peppering my jawline, moving to my neck.
I rolled my head to the side letting him have more access when I saw the sunlight hitting the band on his finger. Closing my eyes tightly, I tried to push everything from my mind. I wanted this. I wanted this. This was us. The real us. Me and him. The Wolf and the Lamb.
My back arched as his hand ran up my leg, sliding under my dress, hooking over it his hip, I opened my eyes, only to catch the ring, glistening. Taunting.
Ignore it.
As his fingers gripped my panties, I took a breath. But something snapped, my mind flashed Zak and he was not here. This was not him. This was... This was Cody. The married man.
"Stop... Stop. Stop!" I shouted pushing him off me. He pulled away instantly, his face looking shocked, his eyes full of questions.
"I-- I can't. I can't do this. I'm sorry." I whisper getting off the bed.
"Leah. Wait." Cody grabs my wrist stopping me from leaving the room. I swallow hard and look at his fingers. "It's okay. Don't run..."
"I need to leave. I can't be here." I try to explain but he doesn't get it and stands up before me.
"Who is he?" He asks making my eyes move up to him.
"I... I don't know who he is right now."
He nods understandingly. "God I love you so fucking much.. But I get it. I do. We, us? Time has been stolen from us. I know that. I can see it now. But my heart will always belong to you.."
He lets go of my wrist and brings his hands up to his neck. I watch as he carefully removes his tags. They aren't his old ones, I know that much...
Turning my palm up, he places his tags on my hand and closes my fist. "Y-you have my heart. Always..."
The breath hitches in my lungs as he wipes his tear away. There's a couple of seconds when he stands there, undecided on what he wants to do, until he nods to himself and goes to leave.
"Amelia." I blurt out making him stop and look back. "I... I named her Amelia Lawson."
His eyes closed "Baby Amelia.."
Then he was gone. In the blink of an eye. He had walked out of our home.
I stood still, silently with the dog tags in my hand. A token of how much I meant to him. The dog tags he tried to send home so that I had something to remember him by. Because we both knew that whatever we had was real and that's why it hurts so much....