I went running in the rain that night. Out down a trail that lead somewhere that I honestly didn't know where. I just ran it trying to relieve my stress and help me forget about the painful argument that I had with Michael. I didn't remember if we had ever argued about anything back when we were together. He usually tried to just keep his composure and tried to reason with me. Or at least I think that's what he was doing, but that was....I can't even described how bad I felt. Yelling at him was completely unnecessary but it felt so good to just let everything out. All my frustrations. I just screamed it all out at him. Even though he didn't deserve it.
In many ways he was right. He was always right. I was being a selfish little brat who didn't care about anyone's feelings but my own. I was a hypocrite. It just hurt worse coming from him. I guess it was the fact that I loved him and I wouldn't expect him to say something so harsh. Or maybe it was the fact that I knew I was all those things and hearing someone else tell me hurt me. I don't know. I ran out because I couldn't handle what would probably happen next. I was afraid of his reaction. So I ran away from the problem.
I was so sick of being afraid.
While running, feeling my muscles getting tight and the wind run through my lungs, while sweat stuck on my skin his words echoed through my mind. When he told me he couldn't just be friends with me and that he was sick of pretending I realized that I couldn't do the same. We were people who simply could not be friends with one another and simply could not be out of each other lives either. We were meant to be together. There was doubt about that. It's either we have all of each other or nothing. There was no way around it. I don't even know why I allowed myself to believe I could actually only have a friendship with him. I needed him to be there as a friend and as a lover.
With all this on my mind I walked all the way back to the hotel. My goal was to run at least twenty miles. I would do anything to keep my mind off of him, but of course it didn't work. When I walked back in the suite the girls looked like they were on their way to some place. They were all dressed up nicely in cocktail dresses. "Where are you going?" I asked as I grabbed a bottle of water from the refrigerator.
"We got invited to some fancy party down town. Vanessa is throwing it." Nikki said as she straighted the creamy looking dress on her body.
"Isn't that girl pregnant? Why she throwing parties all willy nilly like that?" I asked, before drinking half of the bottle.
"She throws the best parties." She said softly, shrugging her shoulders. We were all invited. "You want to come..." She let her sentence trail when she saw what I was wearing. I only had on some leggings and a sports bra. My hair was tangled in a pony tail due to the rain and I was sweating like crazy. I was desperate need of a long hot hour shower.
I laughed. "I think I'll pass." I said as I walked around the island. " I could really use some alone time."
"You're so antisocial," Jojo complained. "You always need alone time."
I rolled my eyes and headed towards my room. Shutting the door behind me. My room was the smallest one in the suite which was something that I liked mainly because I hated sitting in a big room alone. It made me feel empty and lonely. There was a giant window that was on the right side of the room. A window that I found myself staring out of on my restless nights. There was a bathroom in the far left corner along with a dresser and bar. The bed was king sized with a giant red comforter on it. And there was a television that sat across from it. I kicked the door closed and immediately went to my suit case pulling out only a pair of shorts and another sports bra. I was really I know mood for wearing any sweatpants and t-shirts like I normally wore and most of the time I didn't even wear pants to bed.
I showered for at least two hours. Washing hair and washing my body at least six times. I loved the way it felt when hot steamy water was on my body. It relaxed my muscles. Eased my nerves. If I wanted to take one all day I would. When I finally was finished I got in bed with my hair still wet and covered myself up one the sheets and stared at the wall.
The silence in the room was slowly driving me insane as minutes passes by. I could feel the goose bumps beginning to rise upon the surface of my skin; the comforter was failing the attempt to keep me warm.
I could hear soft murmurs coming from the television that was flashing lights a crossed the room. There was some movie that I had never seen before and it looked really boring. I just stared at it mindlessly as I tightened the comforter around me again. My mission for the night was to try to not think about Michael. Or even dream about him. If I could go through one night with that wish being granted maybe I could go back to the studio and face him with an apology. But until then I was just to sit there and be haunted by the silence that was circling the room.
I sighed and tightened the comforter once more, trying to kill the chill that was becoming frozen upon my skin. Why is it so cold in here? I guess I should've dried my hair. I felt sleepiness fall upon my eyes; closing them, as I settled deeper into the sheets.
~•~•~
I don't know how long I was asleep or if I had even fallen asleep, but there was a knock on the main door. I groaned. Not wanting to get up. I ran my fingers through my still damped hair. I walked through the empty sweet quietly as I made my way to the door. Maybe it was room service. I didn't know. "Yes?"
"Liyah, it's me!" I felt my eyebrows frown as I opened the door.
It took me a moment to realize he was actually standing there, for a moment I thought I was dreaming. He stood there awkwardly as if he was debating on whether or not he should leave.
I sighed, running my fingers through my curls again. " What are you doing here, Michael?" I tried hiding the attitude in my voice.
"Can I talk to you about something?" He asked, inviting himself in.
I closed the door." Depends on what you want to talk to me about."
"It's about us."
I blinked. "Er...."I dug my nails in my hair again as I walked into the living room and sat on the arm rest of the couch. "Sure..."
"Why are you dressed like that?" I knew what he was doing, he was buying some time so he could figure out how to start the conversation.
I looked down at my shorts and my bare legs. " I get really hot when I sleep." I lied. "Can we go to my room? I was laying down when you came up."
"Yeah," He said as he began following me to the bed room. I sat down on the bed and crossed my legs in front of me. I looked up at him catching his eyes on me. I wondered what was going through his head. His expression was unreadable. What was he thinking? What was he going to do? I pushed myself further up on the bed, trying to keep as much distance between us as possible, remembering that we still had history no matter how awkward things got between us. I broke our stare and stared back down at my legs. "What did you want to talk to me about?" I asked.
"Well," He began with a sigh. " I know--"
"Don't try and beat around the bush, just to the point."
His face filled with annoyance." Give me a minute to figure out what I'm trying to say here." He snapped.
"I would think you would've done that on the way here..."
His brown eyes glanced up towards the cream colored ceiling." Liyah." He said sharply. "Can you just shut up and give me a chance to at least...think?!"
"Fine!" I laid back on the bed and began flipping through channels, keeping a hard expression on my face. When I had flipped through every channel that the hotel had to offer I sighed loudly and cut off the TV, throwing the remote on the other side of the bed.
Silence fell upon us and for a while no one was saying anything. I started playing with my hair as I waited. Every now and then I would look up at him; he was just staring out the window, playing with long curtains. I let out a loud obnoxious sigh, signalling that I was tired of waiting on him. I saw him give me the side eye which told me I was pissing him off. I rolled my eyes and sat up in the bed. "What are you thinking about?"
"Us."
I pursed my lips at his flat answer. "What about us?"
He gave a dramatic sigh as he turned to me. "Our," He scratched the side of his nose. "our relationship. It's…complicated."
"I didn't know there was a relationship."
"A friendship is a relationship, Li."
My eyebrows furrowed. "So I was just a friend to you?" I couldn't hide the offensiveness in my voice.
That brought him to look at me, his brown eyes widened. "No," he said. "I meant now."
"Well, when did it ever occur to you that I just wanted to be friends now?"
He shook his head. " I just can't make you less than that, Liyah. I still care about you."
" You still care about me?" I retorted. " If you care why did you just throw me under the rug that night at the award show when I asked you to be friends, huh?"
" Liyah, I am not about to--"
" No, you wanted to talk about us right? Let's start there." I said, leaving his words hanging off the edge of his thin lips. "Why didn't you want to be friends with me then? Why now? Why did you choose to care now?"
"No Liyah, you know that wasn't it."
"Then if it wasn't, what was it?"
He stared at me long and hard. Scolding, glaring. Allowing those brown eyes to look right through me. " I didn't want to."
"You didn't want to?" I asked as the confusion boiled inside of me; evaporating to my tongue and sticking to my tone.
He shook his head.
"If you didn't want to, then why did you?"
"Because you needed help."
I rolled my eyes. " Oh, so now you put the fact that I needed help into consideration." I stared at him with disgust. "So by helping me you leave me?"
"You left me first!" He pointed his finger in my face. "You broke up with me first!"
"Okay," I held my hands up in defense. " I take full responsibility for that. Yes, I was selfish. Yes, I do have trust issues, but you know how messed up I was back then."
He nodded. " Yes I did know, but I never gave you any reason not to trust me. You just assumed I was flirting with her "
"Well, what the hell did you expect? You know how hard it was for me to--"
" See? You always use that as an excuse. I loved you, and should've known that."
"I did!"
"Then why did you break--"
I sighed. " You already know the answer to that question. Were you not listening to me at the studio?"
He sat down on the bed and leaned forward resting his elbows in his legs. He began rubbing his temples in frustration." Liyah, you needed help..." He said slowly. " You needed help and I didn't want to interfere with that."
"What?! How could you have done that? You left me when I needed you the most! Don't you know I thought about you everyday, hoping you would call or come and visit? And you never showed up. I had no one there. Not Sasha, or Liana. Not any of my friends. I was all alone. And the one person who thought would have the decency to call and check on me, wasn't there. I needed you!" Trying to fight back the tears that was welling up in my eyes. My heart was throbbing as I turned away from him. I didn't want him to see my cry.
I felt his hand touch the side of my face; forcing me to look at him. I didn't. I kept my eyes down. "Look at me, Liyah."
Slowly, and reluctantly I glanced up at him. "I'm sorry. Really I am. I guess i should've asked someone else before Sasha." He sighed, and began caressing my cheek. "I'm just....I don't know. I want you in my life, I really do, but I don't want you to just be my friend..."
"You don't want to be my friend, you don't want me to be out of your life. What is that you want?"
"You should already know the answer to that question."
I shook my head. " No, I don't. You love me as a friend, right? I--"
"No, Liyah. I don't love you as a friend. I don't want to make love to my friends."
I felt the corner of my lip curl up softly. It faded instantly. " Look, I'm sorry. I'm not good at loving other people or anything."
"Yeah, I know. People who love you, you push them away and keep them at a distance. You don't love yourself the way that I love you. You never did. "
I rolled my eyes. "What are you, a psychiatrist?"
" No, but I know love. When I met you--" He lifted my chin when I lost eye contact with him. "When I met you I felt it. I feel every time I'm with you and when you're away from me...you take apart of me with you. Apart that leaves me lonely."
"What does that have to do with love? I mean what is love anyways. It's so overrated. "
He shook his head. " Love is...love is being too tired from the night before to want to go the studio that next morning."
I rolled my eyes and pushed him. "You are so cheesy."
He chuckled." No, seriously. Love is...kissing somebody at night and being excited to wake up next to them the next morning. Love is...knowing that you have some that will be there for you through thick and thin. Hold you when you're with them, and miss them when their gone. Hold you when you're scared. Right you when you're wrong...love is...everything that we were."
I shook head as I exhaled slowly. "After everything I put you through. You shouldn't even love me that way. You should stay away from me, I feel like I'm holding you back."
"Holding me back from what?"
"You're life, you're career?"
He turned to me. " You still don't get it do you?" He asked. " I don't want to be any further away from you than I am right now. Even this distance is too far away."
I glanced towards the wall, digging my hand in my hair I felt the mattress as he moved closer to me. " No matter if you don't know how to love me, Liyah, I will be sitting here ready to love you, but you have to be willing to love me back."
I glanced up at his face. "Well, I need you to teach me."
"Teach you?"
"Yeah...I need you to...teach me how to love myself the way that you love me, so I can love you back the same way."
He smiled at me.
" I want to love with all of my heart. Seriously, I do, but I need you...to show me. I can't do it in my own. Show me how to love you the right way. "
He placed his hand over my cheek and began caressing it. He moved himself closer until his jeans were touching my my leg..I felt his hand on my shoulder and I looked down at it. Not wanting to make eye contact with him. I felt his finger tips on my chin. He lifted my face until our eyes met. "I can but, you'll just have to trust me."
"I can do that." I said quickly. His breath tickled my nose.
He let his hand move from my shoulder all the way to the arch of my neck. My body began to tingle as he began rubbing it. "Trust me." He whisper as our lips brushed against one another causing an electric shock to shoot through my bones. Slowly, he pulled my lips into his, and with that my body began to burst into flames. Tears began to fall from my eyes as his love mended my aching heart. He pressed them harder against mine as her he'd on tightly to my neck. Making sure I didn't move from that place we were in. Our kiss deepened and I felt myself fall against the bed. Our kiss became more aggressive; he began to climb on top of me with our lips still touching each other. Then they broke apart and our tongues reunited with each other. They played with each other while he began to rub my legs and my thighs causing the to shake from his touch. His lips escaped from my lips and he began kissing my neck, remembering that that was my favorite spot for him to kiss. I began panting as I was beginning to rise high with ecstasy. He pulled my sports bra from over my breasts and over my head. From there he began kissing and sucking on my breast while he pulled my shorts along with the tan laced underwear I wore that night. He lifted his head and pulled off his shirt revealing his soft medium brown skin. I helped him unbuckle his belt. He quickly pulled off his pants, throwing it off to the side. Then our bodies clashed together; he slipped inside of me and our heart started racing. I clutched his total tightly against mine as he began to thrust faster. He wasn't like I remembered him. He was usually soft with the way he pleasured me. This time he was more aggressive in the way that he clutched my thighs and how he kissed my lips, my neck. I loved it.
I tried to keep quiet, but he felt so damn good I couldn't control it. My body felt as though it was going to blow up in millions of pieces. It was tingling and my stomach muscles began to tighten and my legs began to quiver and shake. This odd sensation was something I never felt before. He was moving his hips in a strange circular motions that I couldn't wrap my mind around. I wondered where he had gotten these new moves from--they were driving me insane. I could feel my chambers contracting as my moans burst into screams. Literally. Screams. I began to cry out his name as he went even faster, and harder. I buried my face in his neck. Placing my mouth over his collar bone hoping it would muffle my screams--it only helped a little.
He was moaning and groaning in the way that I never heard before. Sweat was beginning to form at his forehead and rolling down down his face. My screams was beginning to numb my ears. He was going so deep inside that my body was beginning to lift from the bed. I was beginning to come from my high but he kept on going. Not stopping. He clutched my hips and grabbed my thighs keeping me right where he wanted me to be. I tighten my eyes and as tears began to come down from my face. His lips was on mine again as he began to slow down a bit, keeping a steady pace. He began kissing my lips again . Still moving inside of me. I tightened my legs around him as I dug my nails into his back. I let my hand get tangled in his curls, while I pulled him closer to me.
He relaxed himself on my body. I could feel his heart beating. It was pounding on my Sweaty chest. His big hands were rubbing my thighs while he continued to kiss me. " I missed you, Dimps. "
I was too busy trying to catch my breath to even reply.
" I missed you so much." He said, still kissing me.
I nodded my head, wrapping my arms around his body, pulling him closer to me.
" I missed you, too." I said, softly.
He kissed my lips again and then kissed my neck. "Make love to me some more." I whispered, softly. " Please?"
He smiled at me and reached over, turning off the light, the room fell in darkness. "We'll do it the way you like it. "