ONE STEP.
Two steps.
Pause.
Five steps forward.
Eight steps backward.
Although I was physically doing this; it seemed as though my life was mocking me. I was supposed to be moving on, moving forward, but that look in my mother's eye tugged me into three months ago. It made me feel exactly how I felt that night.
Diminutive.
Demoralized.
Desolated.
I pulled on the sleeves of my hoodie and took small steps until I felt the warmness of the water.
"Ray, one step at a time, even if that means taking small steps," I whispered to myself as my eyes fluttered close.
Living here might be temporary, but I actually enjoyed living near the beach. The fresh salty smell was calming and the crashing of the waves against the rocks lulled me into serenity.
Far off the horizon, the flaring hues of the sky melted perfectly into the ocean, luring me to go further. I walked deeper into the water until it was up to my chest, the sand sinking between my toes.
My body willingly danced to the music of the waves as they overlapped each other. My peaceful reward for obeying the waters was satisfying.
This is exactly what I needed.
"Tweets," I heard a voice called out. Already knowing who it was, I turned with a smile to see my brother eagerly taking off his shirt and walking over to me.
"How was it?" I asked.
"Juggling practice and trying to catch up with school in order to graduate is devastating but hard work pays off."
He swam around me and then dunked my head with a loud laugh. I tried tackling him, but Chris was much faster than me. After a few minutes of goofing around Chris asked me, "Oh yeah, why is mums home so early?"
My shoulders immediately dropped at the mention of her. "She's the last person that I want to talk about right now."
"Uhh...Ummm.....I asked her where you were and suddenly she was tight-lipped, and now you don't want to talk about her? What's going on, Tweets?"
"Instead of welcoming Kat like Kat's mother did to me; she talked her down because she's a teenage mother. Apparently Kat's 'bad company'."
Chris scratched his head and he truly looked confused. His eyes were like mirrors, always reflecting his surroundings. I was only a few feet away from him and could vividly see myself and the water in his eyes.
It was almost like Hakeem's except Hakeem's dark brown eyes reflected his emotions.
"I don't get it. She never had a problem with our old friends. I mean they weren't bad company, but they did some crazy shit. Being a teenage mother doesn't automatically make a person substandard."
I scoffed, licking the saltiness off my lips. "I was beyond infuriated so I'm sure my eyes had changed color. When she looked into my eyes it's like something snapped 'cause then she looked... I don't know. I can't even explain it. I just know that was not the mother I know because she even called me an imbecile. I hope things work out with Kat tomorrow."
"Something's not right. Do you want me to talk to her?"
I shook my head, waving the suggestion off.
Maybe mom's behavior was a symptom of her 'sickness' which still was not a valid enough reason to bombard her bad-day-at-work-or-whatever- attitude on Kat. I just hope that she doesn't try to convince me to stop being friends with Kat because that was not going to happen.
It was the first time in my life that I had made my own friends, friends that my brother and I did not share because of him.
Chris lightly squeezed my shoulders. "Thank you."
"For what?"
"You may think that this is simple but this means a lot to me, seeing as though you haven't told me much of anything for the last three months. Thanks for talking to me."
"Have any of you seen Kat?"
That was the first thing that came out of my mouth when I saw Bre, Hakeem, and Lola under the tree on the picnic table. Hakeem was helping Lola with her homework because she had no chemistry with Chemistry but Lola and Hakeem sure had chemistry.
Ha, see what I did there?
I crack myself up sometimes. I loudly snickered at my own joke earning weird glances from the three.
Bre, who was nibbling on some cheesy fries and reading a hardcover thriller book, shrugged at my question.
Honestly, it looked boring.
Pop.
Just as I was about to ask Lola and Hakeem if they did not see Kat for the second time, Kat sauntered over to us with her hair now black and neon green tips.
"Why didn't you answer my messages or my phone calls?" I asked Kat before she had a chance to say anything.
"I wasn't in the mood." She lowered her bag on top of the picnic table and turned her attention to the others. "Good morning! Kaden told me to kiss you guys for him, but I'm not about to mess up my lipstick on anyone of you. So accept these air kisses instead."
Pop.
Lola, who was too focused on completing her assignment before the bell rang, caught the air kisses and said, "Only because it's from my boppie."
She took a quick glance up, fixing her shades, and stopped blowing her bubblegum when she saw Kat. "Katalina you look stunning! I wouldn't want to mess up my lipstick neither."
Kat's raspy laughter effortlessly swirled with the wind.
Hakeem caught the air kiss, pretending to put it in his pocket. "I'll make sure to tell him that his mommy did not handle the delivery with care. Okay Lola, do you understand how the seven diatomic elements work?"
I toned out Lola's response, sitting on top of the picnic table in front of Kat. "Look I'm really sorry about my mom's behavior yesterday, but please don't stay angry at me."
I felt absurd for doing this.
With the guys-my brother's friends-nothing was ever too serious. We only played video games, sports, or went out. Our most serious moments were only when someone was being too competitive or too annoying.
Kat didn't answer right away, but I could see the screws working in her head as she tried to avoid me by occupying herself with her phone. It didn't take too long before she rested her phone down with a defeated sigh and held my hands in hers.
"I'm not mad with you...I'm just annoyed but it's okay. It's not your fault your mother is salty."
I threw my head back as a gosh-it-feels-good kinda laughter escaped my throat and Kat joined me. She let my hands go, lightly tapping me on my knees.
"Your mother kind of inspired me. Peep this."
Excitedly, Kat fiddled through her bag until she found what she was looking for which was a sketchbook. Her excitement was so exhilarating that even I was grinning when she shoved the sketchbook in my hand.
When my eyes landed on the drawing, I did a quick intake. It was a drawing of a fancy looking dress. Her drawing was done with such meticulous care that it was like I was looking at it already made.
The sleeveless lace dress had a deep cut v neck and the bottom was flowy. The top part of the dress was adorned with rhinestones or whatever it is that they use to make those clothes look all glittery and shiny.
If Kat-the designer-explained it, it would have been much more detailed and easier to visualize but that is as detailed as I can get.
"Wow," I breathed out, gently turning the pages as if those thick pages were easy to tear. "You're really into this fashion thing, huh?"
"It's more than a hobby, Ray. It's my calling, my passion." Besides the fact that I saw her designs and the school cheerleading uniforms, the way she said it was convincing enough.
My left eyebrow rose up which was the only eyebrow I could raise. "Hold up—can you explain how my mother inspired you to design a wedding dress?"
Kat flicked my nose with an eye roll. "What a shame. Can't you tell the difference? It's a prom dress!"
"Are you kidding me? That's too lit to be worn at prom."
"Don't you see what people wear to prom these days? This is perfect for prom. Anyways, by the time I reached home I was devastated, but then I was grateful that I have Jaden as my boyfriend and child's father. I was not ready for a child and neither was he, but he was a man in the situation and took responsibility. Even if he didn't, Kaden is my heart. Then I started being thankful that I didn't abort him and Kaden growing up and going to prom. Bam and then this happened."
"You're a hopeless romantic. Noted," I replied dully.
Hakeem pointed at something on the paper, asking Lola if she understood. She rubbed the back of her neck, timidly shaking her head. Hakeem, not looking a bit irritated, told her it was okay and started explaining from the beginning but stopped to pack his things.
"Shut up and give me my book back," Kat laughed.
I was about to hand it to her but retreated when an idea sprung up. "Why don't you start making clothes instead of juices?"
"It'll be too much. School, work, and sewing and don't forget I can't only think about myself anymore. There's also the competition with getting into college."
"With the money, you have now you can buy some fabrics and notions to bring some of your designs to life. You're obviously good at what you do and you love it. I'm sure you're on social media. Manage your time between school, work, family, and play. Put some of your work on the internet. Believe me by the time as you're in college you'll already have thousands of people who know about your work. You might even have several people who would want to invest in you to own your own shop by your early twenties. It's never too early to start and you'll still have time for yourself, Kaden, and love, of course."
She seemed hooked on my every word, so I finally handed the sketchbook back to her.
"Wow, you're surprisingly convincing. Sure you're not into politics?"
Now it was my time to laugh. "Never in a million years."
She opened her sketchbook with a smile and that's how she was for the rest of the day during every break. Kat would make sketches tear out the page, put the torn pages in her bag, and start over again. Bre's nose was deep in her book at every chance she got, Hakeem and Lola were making small talk and would include us every once in a while and I was stuck on one sentence for my essay.
Malik never showed up to school and Lola didn't seem bothered by it.
It was not until after school did I realize I could not continue with my essay at home because I left my textbook in Mr. B's class. When I arrived in the classroom, I froze in place.
I have seen things that I was not supposed to see far too many times to know that I was not supposed to witness my two friends having a heated make-out session in the back of an empty classroom. Especially when one of them was dating the other one's best friend.
I whirled around, trying to prevent myself from being caught, but these short legs of mine did not make it anywhere when I was stopped.
Damn it.
"Ray, wait."
I ignored him, only to get hit in the face by the wall. While holding my nose, I still proceeded to escape.
"Ray," she cried out.
"Rayya!" they shouted in synchronization.
Of course, I continued playing deaf on them and persisted on walking away, but when those hands slammed down on my shoulder-
-I panicked.
Just like every fucking time.