Leaning back in my chair at the office, I clung to the hope that my orange juice and acetaminophen would start whittling away at my hangover. It was pitiful really since it was my second dosage after four hours of no relief. I was not waiting the full six with this pounding headache. I'd barely kept the orange juice down.
Last night was a blur after I got home. I downed two of the four remaining bottles of Merlot sitting in my cabinet. One had a rooster on it and was scrumptious, every last drop of it, I think. To be honest, I couldn't remember which one I drank first. But when a bit came back up, it wasn't as unpleasant as I expected. Maybe I should get some chickens. At least then if a certain someone did ever get around to killing me, he'd then have to deal with the chickens. Maybe I could even train them to attack him. That'd be a fun surprise for him.
"Feel my wrath," I whispered and imagined chickens flying and attacking him from every direction. "You may strike me down here, but my flock will avenge me."
It might be nothing, but imagination and words, but it did make me snicker softly and that helped me smile. There had been so many nights where I'd wished for death. Normally it was in conjunction with wishing for Philip's life to be returned, but this ominous cloud really shouldn't be bothering me that much. This was not the darkest pit in my life, not really.
The rash on my hand was so close to disappearing, but in my drunken stupor I'd managed to claw at it enough to make it raw. A couple people eyed my bandaged hand, but never said anything about it. Guess they didn't want to get too involved with strangers as well.
That would've been smart. If only I'd stuck to that plan. It's how I got through the last two years with only Emily in my life.
Well, now I could return to that.
With a quick glance in the direction of the blasting rock music, I grinned to myself. Maybe one or two others could be counted these days.
There was a knock on my wall, followed by a soft whisper. "Well, at least you only look like shit. Rough night?"
I turned around partially to glance up at Janiel. Apparently, I still owed her an apology because she was still being unreasonably bitchy to me. "I've had better."
She stepped in closer so her voice could lower more and not be overheard by nosy neighbors. "I take it you didn't get laid? Because you know, normally that's supposed to help relax you."
I sighed, closing my eyes as I took in a few calming, deep breaths. "I'm sorry if I've upset you, Janiel. I know I was really snappy earlier this week and you didn't deserve it. I'm sorry."
"I'm not mad." She looked at me with a somewhat blank stare. "I just thought you could use some action."
Either she was still royally pissed about something or, I don't know. "Hey, are you okay? This isn't like you to be so passive-aggressive and direct. Did something happen?"
"No, I'm fine. Unlike you."
"Okay, I get it. I'm hungover at work and I've been a grouch lately. There's just been a lot going on in my life that I'm trying to deal with." I turned away from her and cupped my face. I really did not need this right now.
"What's your excuse? Tiffany was the one who got roofied, not you." She leaned against the edge of my desk, pushing some papers out of the way.
"I know, I feel guilty enough. Don't remind me." I pushed my face into my hands more, trying to squeeze away the headache and my obnoxious cubicle-mate.
"Excuse me?"
I froze. The words that I uttered hitting me in the face like a baseball bat. Fuck, I shouldn't have said that. "I mean, I feel bad that she got sick. I wish I could've done something to help."
Her eyes narrowed at me as she weighed the sincerity of my words. "Yeah, funny how you disappeared about the time she started not doing so well. We tried looking for you, but you just conveniently vanished."
"What do you mean 'conveniently'? I wasn't feeling well either so I called a friend to pick me up." I did not like where this was headed. Staring up at her, I searched her face for some sort of understanding for her nastiness. Why did I have to be hungover and say dumb shit? "You can even call and ask her."
"Yeah, but who knows what you did before leaving. I mean I know you don't really enjoy going out as a group, but you wouldn't, right? Were you really that desperate to get out of them?" There was a harsh edge to her voice that I'd never heard from her before.
"Who are you calling desperate?"
"Well, you're the one who's hungover, grouchy, and can't even get a one-night stand."
"Why does it matter whether I slept with him or not? Maybe I'm grouchy because I did. Did you ever think of that? Sex might not be the end-all be-all answer you seem to think it is. So, can you just leave me alone?" I looked away, pissed that I'd admitted it and more pissed that I'd let my anger raise my voice above a whisper. There were sure to be unwanted listeners now.
"I would, but I have one more thing to confirm. You slipped something to Tiffany so she'd stop making us go out together, didn't you?"
My jaw dropped as I stared blankly at her, trying to process what she'd accused me of. I forgot how to speak and even though I moved my mouth, no sound came out.
"That's what I thought. I already mentioned it to the other two, but I just figured I owed it to them to get the truth from you." She stood up and started walking out.
"No, wait. I didn't." Finally, my mouth and voice worked together again. "How could you think that? Sure, I'm not a huge fan of going out on the town, but I would NEVER willingly put someone through something like that."
"I don't know. You normally keep to yourself and don't seem to like talking with the rest of us. You've been working here longer than I have and I know next to nothing about you even though you sit across from me. Really, I don't know what kind of person you are."
In a second, I was up and towered over her, staring down at her petite frame. "Just because I don't want to talk about the drama in my family does not mean I am the type of person to drug a coworker to get them to leave me alone!"
The eerie silence after I spoke made me realize that I'd shouted that for everyone to hear.
Shit.
I turned around, hit save, and then put the computer to sleep. I didn't bother straightening up the papers or putting them away.
An exit.
I needed an exit now.
Tears were blurring my vision, but I still managed to grab my purse and phone. Then without another word I darted past Janiel, knocking her out of the way with my shoulder.
As I left, the whole office was dead silent.
~
It was a half an hour drive to the building where Emily worked. I'd texted her the moment I got in my car and away from any prying eyes. When subtlety would've been my best friend, my eyes decided to start leaking all over the place. Yeah, I failed to sneak out early.
This was my only chance to catch her before she disappeared into the theater with her sister and all her classmates. I needed her. All I'd said to her was a simple:
Can you talk asap? Just the two of us?
By the time I reached her office though, I still had no reply. The clock was ticking away my sanity as I waited for just one word, the one word that could help me.
My phone vibrated against the hard plastic of the cupholder next to my seat. I jumped and grabbed it.
It vibrated again and again in my hand as messages rapidly arrived.
YES
Sorry, just got out of a meeting.
You ok?
I'm headed to the car for privacy. Give me three minutes.
I didn't bother replying since I knew where she was going and had already staked out her car. I locked my car and wandered over to the far side of hers so she wouldn't see me right away. I watched the time pass on my phone as three minutes came and went. Around five minutes, my phone rang. It was Emily.
"Nicole, what's wrong? Is everything okay? Sorry that took a little extra time."
I could hear her huffing and puffing as she probably sprinted across the parking lot. Smiling to myself, I answered with a shrug and a muted, "it's been better."
"Hold on, I'm almost to the car. You can start telling me now if you want. No one's around."
Her head came into view as it ducked between vehicles while the rest of her rushed unknowingly to my location as quick as she could. She really was sprinting. "I may need a new job."
"What?" Her voice carried both through the phone at my ear and the parking lot.
I stood the rest of the way up and timidly waved at her as she skidded to a halt one car down. Clicking end on the call, my hand pocketed the phone. "I might have shouted something suspicious and embarrassing so that everyone could hear it."
Emily's nice button down had sweat-stains in the pits now from her dash, but she hugged me tightly anyway. Burrowing her head into my shoulder, she asked, "You're not fired, are you? Is that why you're here now?"
I chuckled half-heartedly, the motion jostling her head until it straightened up again. "No, maybe? I mean, I'm not sure. I just, I just needed to get out of there. It was becoming toxic and I just can't deal with it anymore today, anymore this week."
"Nicole, what's going on? It's only Wednesday." She shook her head at me, then noticed my bandage. "Oh, my gosh, Nic! What happened to your hand?"
"Allergic reaction and drunken scratching?" I lifted it and turned it over as I mildly observed it. The medicine was helping because the little bit of skin I could see was less of an angry red and now more of an irritated pink.
"Here, let's sit in the car before you explain everything that you've been holding back." She exhaled, unlocked her car, and slid inside, turning on the power so we could run the A/C and not suffocate. Once she'd placed her phone in one of the cupholders between us and I readjusted the seat back so I could lounge, she continued speaking. "So you said something embarrassing at the office, we all have those moments. That's not a good enough reason to quit or be fired."
"What about if you claimed not to have drugged a coworker?" I glanced around the car, not really wanting to meet her mostly likely shocked gaze.
"Um, well, it's not like you admitted to doing that. Who would believe that pack of crap anyway?"
"People that don't know me very well like nearly everyone at my office." My hands wrapped around one another and I pressed my fingers against my knuckles.
"When could you have possibly done this?" Emily's brow raised skeptically.
Sighing, I slowly met her gaze. "The night my coworkers and I went to the club."
"I drove you back that night."
"Yes, one of them seems to think I left too conveniently. She's just been off, well, bitchy and I don't understand why she's targeting me lately. I've never seen her this way before. I guess she thinks I betrayed the group by drugging one of them so we'd stop going out on these ridiculous trips. I don't know."
Emily's phone vibrated from a text message, but she ignored it since she was too busy starting at me. "That's rough."
"And that's not all," I said, huffing and trying to think about what I could safely say to her. "I did something really stupid."
"Uh oh."
"I, um, slept with, uh, Ian." I squeezed both of my hands together as I admitted it again today. Emily's phone vibrated again. I hope that I didn't get her in trouble with her boss. My cheeks burned as my irritation with myself raged on to now include guilt for calling her out in the middle of the workday.
"Again?" She brought a hand up to her face and rubbed her temple. "Nicole, I thought you said it was a mistake the first time. What could have possibly possessed you to do it again?"
"I don't know. I don't know what I was thinking. I barely knew anything about him and now..." I faltered and looked down at my hands again. I couldn't tell her what he did or she'd be at risk too. "Now, I just need to keep him away. I don't know what to do."
"Try salt or beeswax candles at all the entrances." Her voice had a strange tone.
I shot her a look, but her face looked normal, no oddly blank stare or anything. "What?"
"What?"
"Where did you hear that from?" My eyes narrowed at her.
"Hear what from? I've just been listening to you vent." Emily's face scrunched in concern. "Are you okay?"
Either I was going crazy or that asshole lied and did something else to Emily. But why would he tell her something to keep him out? Could I trust it? It didn't hurt to try, I guess. "Well, as good as I can be all things considered. I just want everything to go back to the way it was. Just you and me against the world."
"Yeah, you and me," she whispered as she leaned over and hugged me, hanging her head on my shoulder. "I'm so sorry, Nicole. You just can't catch a break anymore, can you?"
Tears were creeping to the edge of my eyelids, teetering there as I tried with all my might to suck them back in. A breathy, half-hearted laugh escaped my lips as I squeezed my eyes shut, allowing a few stray tears to trickle down my cheeks. "It's almost like someone has it out for me."
"Come on. That's not true. You've got people watching over you." She tugged tighter, squishing my face into her straightened brown hair and probably undoing fifteen minutes of work from this morning. "Sorry I can't change anything about the situation at work. If I could, you know I would."
"I do. Thank you. I don't know what I'd do without you." I leaned back so I could breathe in less hair and noticed her phone buzz again. "I hope I didn't get you in trouble with rushing out of work."
Emily released her bear hug on me and shook her head. "Not one bit. Don't let that bother you a minute longer. I'm perfectly fine. You should come tonight and help out. It'll be good to get you away, working with your hands, and around fresh faces. Honestly, we could use the help. There's a few sets to paint still and I've seen your skills with a paint brush. Only a few of the art students are better than you. Please come. It'll be fun."
Her hands snatched out and latched onto mine, swinging them side to side in excitement.
"I'll think about it," I said with a sigh. "I'm not really up for any company."
"Besides me and you'll get to be around me and a bunch of teenagers with their ridiculous teenage drama. At the very least, it will get you laughing. I promise. Plus, Melody would love to see you so long as you don't embarrass her."
"Which means, in big sister speak, that I must embarrass her." I smiled as my hands were released again and she tapped her nose with a devilish grin.
"Unfortunately, I need to get back in to work for another couple hours. But if you want, I can give you my keys and you can hang out at my place until I get there. It'll at least be a little more comfortable since you're avoiding Ian again." She fidgeted with her keys until the house key came loose.
"Thanks, I think I'll do that." I accepted the key and watched as she rolled up the windows and turned off the car completely.
Her hands filled with keys and purse, she'd left the phone in the cupholder while she got out.
Quickly, I grabbed it and got out so she could lock the car. As I stood, the screen lit up and the phone vibrated. I hadn't meant to be nosy, but my eyes glanced at the call and everything around me stopped.
M. Coop
I only knew one person that ever was addressed like that by Emily. If that hadn't said enough, the 404 number that appeared beneath her name proved it. The sound of her phone vibrating was all I heard, not even my heart beat. That mechanical buzzing cracked and crumbled my heart a little more with every sounding.
My hands moved on their own since my brain stopped any higher functioning and before I knew what happened, her voice shouted through the speaker.
"Emily! What the hell is going on? You're supposed to be watching her. I told you something strange happened when she called me. I think she's involved in some kind of trouble and you just brushed it off. Why didn't you listen? Well? Are you even there? Is she okay?"
I stared across the roof of Emily's Accord at her petrified face. She was paler than I'd ever seen her, even in the dead of winter. I couldn't imagine what my face looked like. I wasn't really sure what I felt either. Maybe it was shock because I almost felt empty. Strange.
"Aren't you going to say something for yourself? If something happens to Nicole, I'm holding you responsible. Hello?" My mother's voice was laced with that same poison as when I walked out on her after Philip's funeral.
"Hello, Mother."
Silence.
"I didn't realize you and Emily were still keeping up with each other." I watched Emily shift uncomfortably as I continued speaking. "Has this been going on since I left?"
Neither one spoke.
"Has this been going on since I left?" I shouted this time, both at the phone and across the car. "Have you been keeping tabs on me? Spying on me for my mother?"
My cheeks were wet, but I didn't bother with them. Nobody was answering me. Was I invisible? Was I not real? My lips began trembling and I could barely keep my breathing even.
"Now Nicole, it's not like that," my mother started saying in that condescending, semi-musical tone.
"Shut up," I snapped back at her, glaring at the phone.
"Nicole Louise Cooper, that is no way to speak to your mother."
"You don't get to suddenly act like my mother after two years and blaming me for my little brother's death. Oh no, I'm a grown-ass adult and you can shut the fuck up because this'll probably be the last time you ever hear from me. Either of you." I shot a look over at Emily and pinned her to the spot. "So this has been a thing? Since when?"
She hung her head, afraid to meet my fury and said, "since you moved."
"Of course, since she couldn't force herself on me anymore in person. Did you tell her where I live?"
"No, never. She wanted to know, but I couldn't do that to you. I saw how much you were hurting." She shook her head and looked up at me, her own face streaked with tears.
"But it was okay to feed her information about what I'm doing, how I'm doing, and who knows what else? God, I can't stand the sight of you right now. You were my best friend. How could you?"
"I thought I was doing the right thing. You were out of control. I was scared you were going to end up like Phil," Emily cried, pulling her hands to her face as she tried to wipe away the evidence.
"Well," I said, throwing the key across the roof of the car at her. "I guess the only way you're going to find out is through some news article now. Are you still there, Mother?"
"Yes, I was just so worried about you. I couldn't help it. After the things I've said, I was scared you'd never talk to me again."
"You never once tried to apologize, even now you're just making up excuses for yourself, but I'm done. Don't try contacting me again and don't bother asking Emily. You're both dead to me. Goodbye," I said, dumping the phone on Emily's Accord, and walked away.
I'm surprised I made it back to the apartment in one piece considering I had no recollection of the drive home. When I realized I was parked in my spot, my hands turned off the engine and I stared ahead at the building.
I didn't want to enter. I didn't want to go anywhere. I didn't want to do anything. I didn't frankly want to exist anymore.
Emily.
My Emily.
My only real friend had betrayed me.
I had no one. Not one person believed in me.
If Ian was awake, I would ask him to end it now. He could just snap my neck or stab me and drain the rest of my blood so he'd have a little backup.
I didn't care. I just wanted this whole thing over.
My feet carried me to the doors of the building and through them.
A soft female voice called out as I passed, "Nicole?"
Like a robot, I turned and stared at the speaker. After a few seconds I recognized the person as Lisa, her hair wasn't done up nicely and she didn't have any make-up on. It was possibly the first time I'd ever seen her without it. "Oh, hi."
"Are you okay?" She stepped towards me and the elevator.
My face was dripping still with some combination of tears and probably a little snot. It was probably red and splotchy from all the crying too. I was so sick of lies. "No."
"Here, come on in and let's bust out some ice cream." She gently wrapped an arm around me and guided me to her apartment door. "It's just one of those days, huh."
"You have no idea," I whimpered as I allowed her to get the door for me.
As soon as I crossed the threshold, someone grabbed me and placed some piece of sweet-smelling cloth over my mouth and nose. My body was dragged out of the doorway and Lisa walked in after me. She didn't look surprised at all or really even smug as she closed the door behind us.
I tried to shrug out of the grip, but I was so tired of fighting everyone that after a minute or so, I just stopped struggling. Did I really care what was happening to me? I'd just been thinking about the different ways Ian could possibly kill me if I asked.
By this point, the man who was holding me prisoner started complaining. Perhaps, his arm were getting tired. "How long is this supposed to take? I thought it only took a couple whiffs of this stuff to knock someone out."
His voice seemed familiar, but everything was starting to get blurry and jumbled in my head.
"That's what happens when you rely on movies for your knowledge-base," Lisa said, her face showing a similar level of impatience as they waited for me to pass out.
I guess I shouldn't make them wait any longer.
Then I closed my eyes and let the darkness overcome me.
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