My nails were imbedded into the leather seat of his car as my chest heaved. My eyes were shooting from the speedo to the cars that we were almost flying past.
"Fuck. Fuck!" He shouts slamming his hand against the steering wheel before throwing the car in and out of the gaps.
"Please slow down.." I whisper but it's fallen on deaf ears as his rage has taken over.
"How can you not know?! How can you not feel anything in there?!" He accuses.
"It's a baby not an alien?! And why are you so angry?"
"Why am I?! Jeeze I wonder why?!" He shouts throwing the car between a lorry and another car causing the truck driver to blast his horn.
My eyes widen as the horn takes me back to a time I'd rather forget. Suddenly I'm on the wrong side of the car, my leg is on fire with pain, my throat is restricting and then I see her...
She's stood in the middle of the road ahead of us, holding her teddy bear with her head tilted to the side.
"Zak. Zak."
He's going to hit her. Ghost or not, he's going to plough through her!
"Zak!"
Sweat is escaping my pores, my body is trembling and I let go of the seat and curl up.
"Zak! ZAAAAAAK!" I scream as I clench my eyes shut.
I feel the brakes being pushed and the car slowing but I know it's too late. I don't move from the foetal position in the seat until the car comes to full stop. Conveniently outside a Walmart.
"Kat–"
I fly at him, lashing out with my fists as I hit him in the chest in anger. Until he grabs them to his chest leaving me to struggle, then I cry.
"I'm sorry I was mad a-"
"Get the hell off me now!" I order pulling on my wrists.
"Katy."
"Is it seriously that bad?!" I ask making him frown. "Is the idea of having a child with me really that bad? Having a family and growing old together?!"
"Sweetheart-"
"Don't you sweetheart me! You've just drove like a complete imbecile! With me! In the car! After everything!!" I yell.
I snatch my wrists back, unplug my belt and grab my bag between my feet. "You can drive back to Vegas alone! I'm not getting back in this car!" I spit before flinging the door open and get out.
Zak is out and coming around the car towards me when I begin to back up. "Touch me and I'll scream." I warn causing his footsteps to stop.
"Look, please get back into the car so we can talk."
"Why?"
"Why?" He asks "Why? Because we need to talk about if you are pregnant and what we are going to do with it."
"What we are going to do with it? It's a baby, and we aren't going to do anything. You've made your feelings clear. If I am, then I'm keeping the baby. Whether you like it or not." I hiss.
"Really? After everything? You think bringing a baby up in this environment is healthy?"
"I will manage–"
"You can't even remember to take a fucking pill you're so mentally damaged!" He snaps.
His words hit me like a tidal wave.
"Wow. Oh wow." I scoff stepping away as it dawns on him on what he had said.
"N-no. I didn't mean it. Katy-"
"You can go back to Vegas now." I interrupt before spinning on my heels and marching into Walmart.
"I'm just going to follow!" He calls.
I ignore him entirely and head straight into the restrooms, throwing him a look of victory knowing he can't enter.
But I barely make it into the cubicle before I'm on my knees throwing up into the toilet. It's only as I'm alone that I let fear take hold of me. The fear of being pregnant and having to carry a child for 9 months. The idea of having to give birth and care for the child and tell myself that I need to love this baby with every ounce of my being because their father didn't want them.
I gasp for fresh air as the smell of stomach acid burns my nose. Scrambling off the floor, I hit on the tap and push my mouth under the water trying to stop the burn in my throat. But when it subsides and I look into the mirror at myself, at my stomach, I'm back in front of the toilet again.
My hair is pulled up and a large hand rubs my back as his cologne infiltrates my nose.
"Y-you can't be in here."
"Let them try and stop me... I'm sorry for what I said. I was scared, I am scared." He admits.
His feelings echo mine and I'm left to cry against the toilet "W-what if I am?!" I sob. "I can't do that Zak! I can't have an abor-"
"Shh.. It's okay. Don't think about that now. We don't know anything yet."
"But Patti said-"
"And sometimes messages get interpreted wrong. Perhaps we all thought of it in the wrong light."
"You're lying, we know what she meant."
"I know.. But I don't want you thinking about that right now. We don't know anything and this could all be nothing."
My hand held my stomach "But what if it isn't? You don't want this. You said it yourself."
I hear him sigh "Katy, I can't be a father with my kind of life, I can't bare the idea of having a child because I can't deal with the anxiety. The responsibility of having a child, a child I have to care for and guard with my life. I don't think like normal people do.. I've never been able to."
"You don't want to grow old with m-me." I cry pushing my head into my hands as my body shakes.
"I do, sweetie I do. Please believe me. I wouldn't have came back to you or told Billy if I didn't see a future of us being together."
"But you don't want a child."
"And you do?"
I shrug. I had never considered it to be an option. "I don't know. But I do know that if I am, right now. Then I'm not going to any damn clinic. You can hate me all you want but I can't, I can't face that!"
"Shh.." He hushed.
"Timing is never going to be right, maybe my head will never be right but i be a good mom. I swear I will, I'll do everything I can! I'll do any therapy that is offered to me! I will be a better person-"
"Katy... " his voice is drown out by my body as I expel more from my stomach. "This is the state it's got you in already.. It is too much stress for you."
I sob and wipe my mouth with some tissue. "Or is it too much for you? If I am, then not going this, isn't an option. I have to do this."
I hear him sigh and I can guarantee it's in annoyance at my persistence of keeping his baby.
"I better get a test or something." He grunts before leaving me in the restrooms.
I'm slumped over the toilet when I press my hand to my stomach, I know it's a big step, hell its a damn leap. But if I am then I need to pull my shit together. I vowed to be the best mom I could, I'll sell everything that's valuable to make sure my baby has what he or she needs. I won't ask someone who's not interested for a damn thing.
Time escapes me as I look at my stomach trying to work out if I could be, what would happen if I was, would I be on the list for child protection because of my amnesia? Would they try to take my child away? I'd have to leave, take myself away, far away and make sure they can never take my only part of myself and Zak away...
I jump as he comes around the corner holding a carrier bag. He's brought water and three tests.
"You better do them." He mumbles before leaving the cubicle.
So I do, I sit on the toilet and take the tests before putting the caps on the end and pushing them back into the bag.
I don't want to find out in a restroom in a Walmart. I don't want the moment to be tainted more than what it is. So I push the plastic inside of my handbag and leave the cubicle.
Zak looks up from his phone "Well?"
"We have to wait."
He nods and pushes his phone into his pocket. Both of our eyes snap over to the door when a lady walks in, holding a little girl's hand.
"Oh." She pauses and eyes us both.
"She's just..." Zak stops.
"Taking a pregnancy test or three." I add before looking to the little girl who's crossed her legs.
The mother guides her into a cubicle and looks at me carefully. Then I'm hit for six.
Astounded at the moment as she pulls me into a hug. A complete stranger.
My arms wrap around her frame as she whispers "It's okay to be scared."
She must have seen my tears...
With a pat on my back she releases me and slips into the same cubicle as her daughter.
It's all to much and I wash my hands before escaping, leaving me to dry them on my legs as Zak tails behind.
I couldn't believe a complete stranger could comfort me when my own partner couldn't! Maybe it's because she went through something similar, maybe not, but it still hit my soul that she knew that I needed a hug, quicker than he did.
My feet don't stop until I'm stood in front of the car, with a bag in my hand that feels like a lead weight. Like an atomic bomb awaiting its drop. Those results would either be positive or a negative, in two senses. 1 that I am or I am not pregnant and 2. If Zak sticks by me, or runs for the fucking hills.
"Is it time yet?" He asks quietly as he unlocks the car letting me get in.
"Probably."
I don't close the door and decide that if it's positive, then I can get out and walk away. I would need to be the one to walk away from him. With a little slice of him growing in my belly.
"Don't you think we should look?" He questions.
"So you know if you need to fly in some tart when you kick me to the curb."
"No-"
"Don't fucking bullshit me!" I snap at him.
"Whatever I say is wrong!" He exclaims.
"That woman comforted me! A stranger! Not you! I- I don't even know what to make of that right now! Let alone a baby!"
"Well you've got time, 9 months in fact, to get your head around it, if you are."
"You're a fucking asshole." I snarl before yanking the bag from my handbag and pulling out the tests.
I don't care about the results as I fling them onto his lap. "You say about being responsible? Where was your responsibility when you didn't put on a condom?! Why is it always the woman's fault?!"
He rubs his hand over his face and picks them up from his lap and the one that hit the floor.
Then he begins to twist them around revealing the small windows.
My heart drops as I see the words.
Negative.
Each one as taunting as the first.
I now feel hollow, empty and the image I had concocted of myself and a baby was obliterated.
"Looks like you got what you wanted." I answer shutting the car door and pulling my belt on.
"Katy, it's not practical–"
"I'd like to go home, now. Please."