**This is going to be a emotional chapter. As many of you guys know this is a fiction story but with real life events. The self harm and eating disorder this happened to me. It took a lot of courage to share my past through a story but I want to help everyone and want people to know it's okay not be okay. Just because you feel broken doesn't mean you'll feel like that forever. Please no negativity in this Chapter especially because again this was my past and it took a lot to share it. Thank you God bless everyone🧡**
Rose's P.O.V
Seth said to be ready and dress casual his and my casual are way different. Maybe simple leggings a cropped shirt and sweater should do it. My phone rang it was Seth telling me he was going to be waiting in the lobby. Grabbing my bag really quick and my card key I rushed out the door. "You look cute" "thank you you look wonderful Seth" he kissed my cheek and we drove off in our rental BMW. We pulled up to this cute golf place "I reserved the back just for us baby girl" I smiled at the idea. The whole back was just to us we were competing who was the best in golf obviously he won since I didn't know how to play. "You so lost" he rubbed it in my face I stuck my tongue out at him "shut it" a waiter came and gave us our menus I ordered a mangonada and vegetarian tacos. While Seth ordered nachos and his favorite margarita with a burrito. "Listen Rose I brought you over here because I just want it to be me and you I need to know about your pass please trust me" my breathe hitched my pass is something I keep from people. I don't like too many people knowing my pass because its emotional reck and a roller coaster ride but nodding my head "ok" I decided to tell him. Thinking about my pass is emotional to me and very hurtful this is what happened.
"Your so ugly"were the words of guys you have such a "huge nose and you fat". Those were the words that I heard constantly every single day. Its hard to tell someone to be confident when people look at you with disgust and hate. There is saying not to care what people think about you but what do you do when its your own family judging you too?.
Growing up I was spoiled by my grandma,grandpa,aunt. I was there princess and still am. They were the only people who never judged me or picked on me. A father figure was never present but my grandpa was. My grandpa I love to death and I'll do anything for him he makes me so happy and is always so nice to me. All the wonderful memories I have from him picking me up from the bus stop and carrying me like a princess, kissing my cheek before going to work. Always defending me from my bullies and my mom. My grandma same with her I was always with her and still am she is amazing woman and if I'm ever half the woman she is I'll be proud. A fashionista I was always with her buying me clothes even if they were from goodwill or the rummage sale I was always thankful because I had something to wear. She would spoil me with toys but at the same time when I would be a bad girl she would tell me.
My aunt ahh what can I say I love her I'm her "baby girl" and "princess" she's been there for me ever since I was little girl. She has always told my told "love her, if I had a little girl I would take her shopping get her nails done with me it's a miracle she's alive". Yup a miracle that I'm alive. I was born premature and my heartbeat wasn't the best my breathing wasn't normal I had to be hooked to a machine I believe I weight a half a pound. The doctors said there was very little chance I would make it out alive. Thank god I made it out alive because of him I'm alive. God gifted me with two brothers my older brother I love him as much as my little one. But there has always been a difference they both received more love and attention from my mom. I was kinda just there my grandparents even noticed and because of them I'm a stronger person. They lived with us and I'm so thankful because I probably would of killed myself.
A happy little girl I was till 6th grade I began cutting my self. From my mom yelling at me in front of her friends and her boyfriend it was embarrassing and it hurt me. My life was ok other than the fact that I was never loved. Only loved by four people. Hiding my pain but putting a smile to my face I would cut. The hurtful memories of my mom saying she wished she only had boys even if she said it as a joke that still hurt my feelings a lot. Crying to my grandma that when I would eat my mom would look at me in disgust and say I'm ugly and fat. There was never once when she said "I'm proud of you" for Mother's Day two years in a row I got reject no hug no nothing. Even after for her birthday I wrote small things that I love about her, filled her room with balloons and even hung a poster with Best mom ever never did I get a thank you. Oh but the person that got the thank you was my brother he was only worthy of a thank you he took all the credit.
7th grade went smooth till I got to 8th grade. Leggings were in along with tight dresses/shirts so I wore a dusty pink off the shoulder dress. As soon as my sweater came off I still remember the guy who called me fat even his name I'll never forgot I was going to the bathroom he said in Spanish "ahi que gorda estas" wow your so fat in English.Rolling my eyes at him paying him no mind but I looked in the mirror and noticed that he is right. Comments after comments from my own family that I was fat and I wasn't skinny anymore were filled in my head. Other than the fact that I was getting fat memories of my dad came back to me.
My dad left me when I was young and I wouldn't blame him why he was disappointed that he had a girl. It wasn't my fault I was born a girl if I could change my gender I would've. His wish came true when my brother was born but he still left. Having no father was hard because if he didn't love me what made me think any man was going to ever love me. My grandpa raised me and he is my father he showed me love kissed my cheek before he would go to work carried me and holded me. Even when I was a freshman in highschool I slept in the same room as my grandpa and grandma I was always so close to them and still am.
I never the smart one or skinny one,pretty one I would be compared to my cousin she is the definition of perfection. She's skinny and beautiful sometimes nice but she is spoiled and self coincided. But that didn't matter to my family because she was still pretty one day I was in the car with my mom. Being my stupid self I said "I kinda want to workout eat a lot healthier I might ask my cousin to see what she is doing" the response I got was "she doesn't eat like you" meaning she doesn't eat as much as me. After that I began comparing myself to every single girl I saw everyone was better than me.
My junior year in Highschool I liked this guy he was a bad boy so I knew he was no good but I believe he had some good to him. One of my friends said he was not meant for me because he does really bad things he steals,and is in gang stuff related. He knew me and said that I was cute being happy I was going to talk to him till his friend says "don't like him" his friend was the opposite of him. Sure he smoked weed too but that doesn't make a person bad I was confused by his statement. The next day my Snapchat rang and I received a notification from my friend she said she had to speak me. He said I was cute but meaning just my body he only wanted me like that then he said to his friend the one who told me not like him "ay there's a girl that likes me she's kinda ugly". Tears were steaming down my face the next day I didn't show up to math class instead I got the homework from the teacher and went with another teacher. He saw me and laughed right in my face I never had luck with no guy. Then again who would ever love or like me? I'm nothing.
That's why when someone gives you little attention you grasp on to them but at the end of the day they just hurt you. I was crying at this point with telling Seth everything he had a heartbroken face and even cried with me "I love you" and we kissed. It was hard opening up to him he's the first man to show me love other than my grandpa.