Kit's POV
It has been two days since I got out of the hospital.
I haven't done anything self-harming, not that I could have... When my mom told me she hide all the devices... She did... She did hide everything.
I wanted to... So badly I did... I was... I am... Addicted.
Today I'm supposed to go to the psychiatrist.
But... I don't want to go.
I'm scared.
Or maybe scared is exaggerating,
I am nervous.
I know that there I am supposed to open up, to tell my problems. But how could I?
I don't know what is happening to me.
I don't know what will happen to me there.
He said he isn't going to push me into doing anything that I'm not comfortable with, but can I trust him in that? We just met.
*
A moment later
*
I am standing in the waiting room now.
No one else is here, not that I can see anyway. Only one that I saw was the lady in the info-counter. She wasn't much of a talker. She just guided me in one of the rooms and told me to wait Hall there.
I went into the room, the room was numbered 420.
I saw one chair in the middle of the room. I went and sat there.
I took a look around of the room.
It was small, the walls were grey. There was one table, full of office supplies and papers and stuff. One white shelf was in the corner of the room, full of folders, binders and albums. There was another chair in the room, right in front of me. Also a grey fur carpet under both of the chairs.
The room wasn't comfortable. The opposite actually. It was too small, too... Colorless.
I am claustrophobic, and this space was making me lose it.
I felt the corners of the walls coming closer towards me, I felt like I couldn't breathe. I felt my mouth getting dryer, sweat running down my back, my head spinning. I felt numbness. Somehow I felt like I am chocking. It felt like there was something in my throat, that caused it.
The door opened. It scared the shit out of me. I am sure I jumped to the ceiling. I was hyperventilating.
I'm sure the incomer is Hall.
It is him.
Still, my breath is wheezing. I looked towards the door, right to Hall. He looked so calm.
He went to the chair in front of me and sat there. Now he suddenly looked worried.
"Are you okay? Why do you look like that?"
"It's no-nothing... You just scared me when you arrived here so suddenly."
"Oh, I apologize. I didn't know I have to knock on my own offices door now." I can see how he is slyly smiling. He does have a point tho.
His joking and calm being makes me calm a little bit.
"You are Kit right? We met in the hospital...?" He sounded unsure. I guess he has so many other people to deal with that he can't possibly remember all of them.
"I am."
"Good. Let's do this, I ask you simple questions and you try to answer as truthfully as you can, OK? I'm no pressuring you to speak if you don't want to, but in my experience, opening up might help to lift the pressure out of your shoulders. And I also remind you that I still am loyal to the obligation of confidentiality."
I simply nodded. I guess I can open up a little at least...
"Okay, first, let's start with the basics, how have you been after you got out of the hospital?"
"Some things have changed... to better I think..."
"How so?"
"Well, my parents..." I am hesitating about telling about them.
"You don't have to tell me right now. I understand that things are just better and that's good. You don't have to answer that so detailed. I'm sure we will come to that later."
"Mmh," I hummed. He does seem nice.
"Okay, second question, do you have any friends?"
"I do, I have five friends."
"Can you tell me their names? It would be easier to discuss if I had some names."
"Sure. Beam, he's the jackass. Yo, he's the cute and understanding. Pha, he's the popular one. Forth, he's the silent one, and Ming... He is... He is more than a friend."
"More? You mean like a boyfriend?"
"Yes... I'm sorry if this makes you feel disgusted..."
"Don't worry, it doesn't. I have a boyfriend too. His name is Ti. So, we have something in common then." He was smiling oh so very brightly.
"A-are you interested in guys too?"
"You mean if I am gay or not? I am. It's normal, you don't need to feel ashamed."
"I guess I don't..."
"Now, if we could move into the darker subjects..."
This is the one I have been afraid of... Now I guess I have to tell him, and by telling him, I need to go through it again.
"...Have you done the thing that you did before?"
"I tried," I'm whispering.
"What do you mean by that?"
"I-I made a c-cut or two... But did nothing more..."
"I see. When did you do it first time?"
"W-when M-Ming..." It hurts, to talk about Ming. It hurts so much.
"Ming... The boyfriend one?"
"Y-yes he... He left, me."
"So... He isn't your boyfriend anymore?"
"I don't mean like that. We are still together, but... He went to America... As an exchange student."
"Oh... Are you two still in contact?"
"We are..."
"So... Let me try to understand this. Ming left to America, he left you here, you are still in contact, and you miss him so much that you self-harmed?"
"N-No I-I d-don't think he is the only reason..."
"Hey," he started very confidently. "Don't panic, I'm here for you." I guess he noticed my stuttering... Also I noticed my vision getting a little blurry, I might be crying.
I felt my head spinning again, if Hall is speaking now, I can't hear him. I can only hear something jingling, like something metallic dropping into clear tiles.
Then it hit me. It's the blade, the blade that I used.
It's echo in my head was getting louder. I try to hold my head with my hands, trying to keep it in place. It doesn't work. My mind is full of the memories from that evening. I want to do it again. But I can't, I don't have anything to do it with.
The only thing that I want to do right now, is impossible.
I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was like a waking up. I turned my head to look at the hand and the owner of that hand. It was Hall. Not that it was surprising.
"You okay? Looks like you are having a panic attack."
"I'm... I'm fine. Can I go home already?" I really want to leave now. I really want to do something... To myself.
"I guess we are done for now. Are you seriously fine? Can you go home safely?"
"I can." I'm trying to be convincing.
"Alright then," he reached his hand for a shake. "I'll message you the next meeting and I'll see you then."
I shake his hand, and went out as fast as possible. I gotta go home.
*
I reached home.
I quickly ran to my room and locked the door.
I'm shaking furiously.
I started to search something from my room. I'm not sure what I'm searching. I'm just searching something that could cause the same kind of pleasure as the blade did.
I'm not able to find anything useful.
I'm desperate. I'm paranoid. I started to search something from the walls, sliding my hands along with the wallpaper. I know I can't find anything there, but I still try. I have to find something to ease this pain that I'm feeling,
I am very desperate.
I am oh so very desperate.
I slide both of my hands on the wall furiously.
Then I felt a slight pain on my arm, the one holding most of the scars. I had accidentally hit my arm against the door handle.
I am wearing a white hoodie, so I can see how it turned red. I guess my scars opened up. It hurts. Good.
I lifted my sleeve. Oh, I'm still wearing the roll bandage.
I decided to take it off, it's just in the way of everything.
The cuts that I made then, were deep, and now that they are open again, the blood drips out easily, and in big amounts.
This will satisfy me for a while.
I heard footsteps. They are delicate, so it must be my mom.
She stood up right in front of my door. She tries opening it up.
"Kit, you okay there?"
"Yeah," I need to answer her so she doesn't think that I have fainted again.
"You have been prescribed with antidepressants. I'm here to give them to you."
I can not open the door right now. What the fuck am I supposed to...
"I just leave them here, take them before going to sleep." Then I heard her walking away.
Medicines.
Could that work?
It might even be a better option, because it isn't so easy to be seen by others.
I opened the door and took the dispenser that was layed on the floor. There are three different kinds of pills. The white ones, the red ones and the green ones.
I closed the door again, locked it right after.
I sat on the edge of my bed. With my trembling hands, I observed the meds.
My mom had filled three of the gaps.
There were three pills on each of them.
There was a little label on top of the gaps.
First one: Morning
Second one: Afternoon
Third one: Evening
I am supposed to take the evening ones.
But I guess that nobody cares, so I'm gonna take all of the nine pills that were in there.
But how in the hell am I going to swallow these. I can't go downstairs because of the state I'm in.
Wait...
I think I still have...
I went to my wardrobe. I opened the first locker.
Yes.
I still have it.
A can of Red Bull.
An energy drink.
It's liquid, so I can swallow the pills with that.
I went back to my bed.
I took all the pills in my hand.
I threw them in my mouth without hesitation and gulped the drink right after.
I swallowed them.
Not an hard task.
I layed down.
I feel pain, all over my body, everywhere.
We have painkillers in the medicine cabinet downstairs.
I guess I have to go there after all.
And quickly, before I start to feel anymore pain. That much pain that I might not be able to move anymore.
I stood up, opened the door and went to the stairs.
The lights are out. I guess I'm alone now.
I went to the cabinet. Yes finally, there's the painkillers.
I took the whole container and ran up, back to my room.
I started to feel the pain more obviously now.
I simply fell down to my bed, hitting my head to the headboard in the process.
Whatever.
It doesn't hurt.
I poured the insides of the container in my hand.
Three.
There were only three left.
I took them.
It might be helpful.
Suddenly, I felt dizzy.
I'm starting to feel sleepy.
My eyes are getting closed.
I don't feel pain anymore.
Actually, I feel absolutely nothing.
*
*
((Here again with a little depressive chapter...))