"Disgusting." Thomas muttered to himself, before nudging Craig who was sitting beside him. "You see this, boy?"
Unsurely, Craig glanced over to his father, though the drunkard's stare was glued on the television screen. The young boy turned to see what his father was talking about, with the flashing lights reflecting off his face. There was a scene occurring of a man proposing to his boyfriend, and to celebrate such a precious moments in their lives, they kissed.
Confusion seeped through Craig's body as he registered the disgusted look on his fathers face, and no matter how hard he tried to understand, he just couldn't. "Never, you hear me? Never end up like those two faggots."
The harshness of the older mans voice had Craig forcing himself to remain as neutral as possible as he tightly nodded his head. Seemingly satisfied with his sons answer, Thomas nodded to himself before returning his stern eyes to the empty glass in his hand. He needed a refill, and so he pushed himself off from the couch with his heavy hand dropping into Craig's hair as he left.
Swallowing the lump that had formed painfully in his throat, Craig peered over to Ruby who was already watching him with a knowing look in her eye. He frowned at his sisters gaze, before focusing on the hat gripped in his hands, squeezing it for comfort.
The television flashed before little Craig's unfocused eyes as he listened to his parents arguing in the kitchen. He barely heard any sound coming from the speakers as he tried not to hear their latest argument, but sadly, it was all he could hear.
He'd had enough, but as he headed for the stairs, he hadn't noticed his father entering the room behind him, only to wrap his large fingers harshly around Craig's arm. He was stopped in his tracks as he stared directly at the hand hurting him, then his eyes met with his fathers.
"Where'd you think you're going?" Thomas almost slurred. "You don't want to watch sports with your old man, huh?"
"I have homework." Craig uttered. He could see Ruby grinning at him from the couch behind their dad. He could see his mom in the kitchen pretending not to notice what was happening.
For a moment, all Thomas did was stare his son down with a look similar to disappointment, but then he released Craig's arm, and the boy had never been more grateful to have someone turn their back on him. "Go on then."
Not a second was wasted as Craig rushed up the stairs, tripping up in the process, though he didn't care. He could hear his sister following behind him, and he figured she hadn't had the same treatment he had.
Without looking back, he entered his room, kicking the door closed behind him, but Ruby managed to push her way in beforehand. She smiled by the door as she watched her older brother, though it wasn't an innocent smile, but one of sibling rivalry.
'What do you want, Ruby?" Craig sighed as he nested himself within the covers of his bed. He looked to the wall ahead as he heard her footsteps walking across the room, before she sat on the end of his bed.
"I know your secret." She giggled. "And daddy's not going to like it."
Kicking his feet at his sister, Craig peered over the covers to glare at her. "I don't have a secret."
"You do." She said, looking towards her feet as they dangled off the side of Craig's bed. "I won't tell if you just admit it."
"I don't have a secret!"
"You have a crush on that weird twitchy kid that always comes over." Ruby grinned. She was only a kid, and kids do stupid, mean things sometimes. Her and Craig weren't close in the slightest, and right now, all that mattered to Ruby was her dad's approval. Thomas was different with his daughter, and everyone knew it, especially Ruby, but at that age, who doesn't love to be the favourite?
But Craig was once the favourite, back when he was Ruby's age. He remembered his dad taking him for days out, just the two of them, and he remembered the smiled that was once directed his way. He never saw that smile anymore, at least not for himself.
Their family was having money problems, and Thomas was on the verge of losing his job. He was getting angrier and angrier by the day, and Craig knew to just stay away. Ruby's shoes were annoyingly tapping together, and as Craig fumbled over his reply, he sunk lower into the covers to hide the slight blush that had formed.
His chest hurt as he thought about what his sister had said, because if that were true then his dad would probably kill him in his sleep - or so he guessed. "I don't have a crush on Tweek." He muttered.
"I don't know why you do, anyway. Clyde has always been the dreamy one out of your friends."
Frustratedly rolling onto his side, Craig tried to ignore his sister, but she kept going on and on until he snapped. In one swift motion, he swooped out of bed, grabbed ahold of Ruby's shoulders and moved her over to the door, all the while she playfully laughed to herself.
"Get out."
"Just tell me this," Ruby began, blocking Craig from closing the door. "If I told dad, what do you think he'd say?"
The threat was well received. Craig figured it was payback for throwing her bear onto the floor earlier, but he showed no signs of weakness as she grinned up at him. His face was blank, having managed to contain his embarrassment from being called out, but as he closed the door on his sisters face, he felt incredibly sick to his stomach.
He stayed by the door with his ear pressed against it, quietly listening as Ruby's footsteps headed further away. He hoped she didn't say anything. Their fighting was never purposely malicious before, but this felt different. He had a knot in his stomach, and his throat was incredibly dry.
After ten minutes without hearing his dad angrily charging his way, Craig presumed he was in the clear, at least for now. Who's to say for how long though, perhaps his sister would hold it against him during every argument from now on. That thought refused to leave his mind.
He liked his friends smile,
but maybe not just that.
Was it wrong? It didn't feel wrong, but what does he know? He's only young, and his dad is old, surely he knows better, right? no. It was confusing, all too much for Craig to comprehend alone, and so he was left absently staring across the dimly lit room in silence.
The room was messy, with clothes and random things scattered across the floor, but Craig's warn out notebook caught his eye. He crawled away from the door and across the room to scoop it up, momentarily staring at the Spider-Man cover. Inside was filled with rubbish and small drawings that lacked any effort whatsoever, but they were his own creations and he was proud of them. He flipped to the back where the pages were blank, and as he went over to sit with his back to the door once again, he thought deeply for a moment.
He thought about Tweek, and the weird, fuzzy feeling he felt in his stomach when he was around. He thought about Clyde and Token, and how that feeling wasn't there at all, but what he thought about most, was how he wasn't allowed to feel that way.
Tweek's laugh was on a loop in his mind, with a sadness he'd never felt before. There was something wrong with him, something Ruby was holding against him, something his dad couldn't know about. His fingers shook as he picked up the pencil that had been tucked in one of the pages, and as it floated an inch above the blank paper, Craig anxiously chewed his lip.
He liked Tweek, he could admit that to himself, but he also knew he wasn't supposed to. There was a bond between the two of them that he wasn't sure if Tweek knew about, but he wanted him to know about it so desperately. He wanted Tweek to know he meant something to Craig, or rather, he had done at one point. He figured the only way he could truly move on and accept that this wasn't right, was to write it down, to rid it from his mind in some form, whether it be healthy or not.
-
Tweek
Im not sure why Im writing this but I remember my mom saying its good to write things down.
I dont like writing that much and im not sure what im actually trying to say but theres something stuck in my head and i cant get it out.
i dont mean i have a toy or something stuck in my head so don't spaz out ok.
im confused and a little scared but if you tell anyone that ill kill you.
i wont really sorry.
i had a lot of fun with you today like I always do
but then I came home
i was told its wrong to like someone like you
which sucks cause i kinda do like you
and now im sad and its stupid but my mom said writing things down is good but it doesnt feel good
so ill have to remember to flip her off at some point.
i think my dad is my bully which is embarrassing right?
dont tell anyone though
hes the one who told me its wrong and i know he wouldnt lie to me.
some times when i stare at nothing time goes by faster
its like i have the power to speed up time which is sometimes pretty cool but mr macky tells me its not healthy.
i think after this letter i might have to do that some more cause its going to suck not being able to like you.
i know i didn't explain much but my head hurts and i think someone is coming
i hope its not my dad or i might have to eat this letter so he doesnt see it.
if i do forgot about liking you i don't want you to be sad because it doesnt mean ill leave you
youll always be my best friend
love craig
And so, despite his best efforts to write neatly, he reread his scribbly handwriting over and over until he heard a knock on his door. In a panic, Craig scrunched the paper into a ball before tossing it under his bed, along with all the other junk he'd had tucked away under there. It was out of sight just in time before his mom peeked her head through the door, wearing a small, sad smile.
"You okay, darling?"
"I'm fine." Craig mumbled as he crawled into bed.
Laura watched her son as he tucked himself in, with his cuddly spaceship poking out of the covers from where he was secretly hugging it to himself. He had no energy to change into his pyjamas, but he didn't care and his mom said nothing. She entered the room, with the door quietly closing behind her before she sat on the edge of Craig's bed. "You know I love you, right?" She says while reaching over to brush the hair out of her sons eye.
Looking away, Craig nodded his head. He knew, it just didn't feel that way sometimes. He kept quiet as she leaned over to kiss his forehead, and he remained quiet as she headed out of the room, flicking the light off as she left. Now in the darkness of his room, Craig thought about the letter. He thought about giving it to Tweek, but now that he'd had time to consider it, he felt embarrassed.
Deciding to leave it under the safety of his bed, Craig stared at the poster covered wall opposite him. Light seeped underneath the crack of his door, eliminating his room just enough that he could see the different planets that decorated his walls in a way that made him happy. He wasn't feeling so happy right now, and the twisting in his stomach hurt. He felt the pillow his head rested against dampen slightly, so he closed his eyes, hearing his dad's voice from the day he'd told Craig that men don't cry.
From downstairs, his family's voices filled the empty space of nothingness that Craig would've preferred to hear. He frustratedly wiped his eyes as he quietly sniffed, and he wondered if everyone else's families were like his. In the back of his mind he presumed they weren't, and that made him feel even worse. Through clouded vision, Craig stared at the blank ceiling as he lay in bed. The more he stared, the less he felt, and the less he felt, the less he hurt. And so began his so called road to recovery, or rather, his dissociation.