"You're not the first you know." Nancy sighed leaning back against the bench taking in the scenery of dogs and children playing together.
I imagined this is what doggy heaven would be. Full of children that excite them and make them happy. Because children have bundles of energy, so it would only be right that they would be there too.
"I know." I mumbled pulling at the torn part of my jeans.
"Admittedly you are the first to have amnesia and forget about him entirely, but to be hurt by him.." She shook her head.
"Why? Why is he like it? What's he afraid of?" I asked her hoping for some form of insight.
"I believe it began with me and his father. Him and his father, two peas in a pod. They were closer than ever, his father, used to come in from work and zone straight in on Zak. Z-man he called him. Of course Zak thought he was his hero. But as he grew up, things changed in our house and by the age of 6, we split up, his dad left. Zak didn't see him from one month to the next. It seems to me, looking back on it all now.. That every time Zak gets close to someone, they leave him.."
My heart grounded to a halt as I took that on board and re-evaluated my actions.
"Even you." Nancy said looking over at me.
"He hurt me first." I breathed.
"Yeah, he did. But I can guarantee he punishes himself over that. That he remembers the moment he betrayed you. There's no excuse for what he did, he broke your heart, as you said. But his ability to trust people after being burnt so much is near on impossible."
I mulled that over before responding "Then why sleep around with women? If he can't trust people, surely that's one way to get himself into trouble?"
"Good question. My answer is that he does the hurt before it can happen to him. He is a man, men have urges. Yes he shouldn't do it, but my only answer is that he sleeps with women and moves on because he wants the company but not the emotions that come with it. He loves the attention, being important to someone, but then the fear of feelings and commitment overpower him."
"He sounds messed up." I answered before apologising quietly when Nancy looked over at me.
"Maybe it does, but my opinion? Is that he's looking for one person in particular to help him with all that.." Her eyes moved over to me as I bounced my leg whilst watching Gracie.
"You freaked out when you thought she was missing. Didn't you?"
"Of course I did. Every scenarios ran though my skull. I couldn't imagine the pain Zak would be in if I returned without her."
"Why?"
"Because I care about him too much to hurt him." I snapped.
"But not enough to leave the past in the past." His mom pointed out.
"That's not fair."
"Isn't it? You don't think he would go back and change what happened? Katy, I knew about you and Zak months ago. Before the damn accident."
I balked. "Y- how?"
"Call it a mothers intuition.."
I gave her a confused look at her answer. Or lack of.
"You were smitten the moment you saw him. You weren't like the others, gushing over him, draping themselves on him, talking sweet nothings and expecting some return. No, you were the opposite. You'd make him laugh, strike up a conversation on things that really mattered to him... And I know you encouraged him to seek out that museum."
I swallowed back the memories.
"All I'm saying, is to look at the good before letting the bad overrule it all. He fixed up your apartment, only asking me for a few pointers and suppliers. He did it all for you. Because you mean as much to him as he does to you. He just has a different way of showing it." She explained placing her hands onto her legs. "Now, I have to go. The hairdresser won't wait all day."
It was all making sense now, all the little things which fell into place, of how Zak expressed his love and I had been too blind to see it. To caught up on wanting to hear the words than experience them. It all began with the roses, bunch after bunch after bunch. Making me breakfast at the most ridiculous of times, the car, fixing up my apartment and the lavender photo..
Looking at Gracie, I called her back and fixed on her leash before heading straight back home.
Sure my heart was swollen and sore, it still had bandaids and bandages keeping it together. But only one man could fix it and I was pushing him away.
---
Putting the car into park, I grabbed Gracie's lead and walked up to the house with her running around my feet excited to be home.
Several times I had told myself that it was a bad idea, that coming here would only hurt me some more, but I had too. Gracie lived here..
Knocking on the door, I prepared myself, mainly fixing my hair and clothes as I waited. Even practicing a few conversation starters.
The door swung open making my eyes snap up to Zak who was on the phone. "Aaron I'll call you back." Was his warning as he hung up instantly.
"Hey." He spoke eyeing both myself and Gracie carefully.
"Can we talk?"
He nodded instantly and backed into the house to let us both in. I walked into the lounge, faltering as I passed the couch, the flashback filled my mind and the sudden urge to run out built.
But a gentle hand on my back made me move on and into the kitchen..
I stood in the middle of it, away from any objects I could throw, I didn't know how angry I was going to get..
Looking at Zak, I lifted my chin "You hurt me.."
It was his turn to lower his head "I know, and I hate myself for it. I really do."
"You told me you hate cheaters, yet you were one yourself? How does that work? You know how much it hurts a person."
"I know.."
"I want to hate you. I want to walk out of here and never look at you again. But I can't.." I paused, his head looked up ready to protest at my words.
"I can't because I love you. And I know those words freak you out and you will never return them, but I do. As much as you've broken my heart, I believe you're the only one who can mend it too. I'm not asking for public appearances or social media declarations of love. All I'm asking is that we can be open about our relationship to the people we love and care about."
"Relationship.. as in me and you?" He asked.
"Yes-"
"But what about me hurting you? I don't understand, you threw me out?" He asked confused.
"I know I did.. But I didn't understand you until I... Well I just didn't understand. Zak you can't say the words I love you, can you?"
He shifted on his feet in discomfort.
"You feel something inside, something strong right?"
He nodded.
"But you're afraid if you say it, people will leave you. So you say it with items.. Flowers, the car. My apartment."
"I can't help it." He answered quietly.
"I know, and I accept that's your way. But the only thing I need. The only thing. Is you. I don't want a florist or a dealership of cars. Or an apartment plated with gold. I just want you and that gorgeous dog. I want us. Only us. Nobody else, no other women. No-one. And if you can do that? Then the past is in the past. But if you can't? Then I want to move forward, and whatever was between us stays in the past too." I declared through watery eyes.
This was his testing moment, the moment he chose what he wanted. The moment he had to be weak in order to be strong.
He took a breath before moving across the kitchen, I stood still as he pulled me into a hug. "I'm so sorry Katy."
My heart crumbled. My eyes flooded but I nodded and fixed a smile letting him know it was okay. All I could think of was how I was going to remain friends with someone I loved. How I could face him and work beside him whilst we were away.
"I'm sorry I hurt you.."
"It's okay.. Well it's not but you know what I mean." I whispered inhaling his scent with all I could muster.
"I'm sorry I've given you that memory, of me hurting you. But..." he trailed off.
"But what?" I asked pulling away to see his face.
"But I promise I will spend the rest of my life making up for it."
Huh?
I stared up at him with more confusion than ever. What was he trying to say? That we could still be friends after this? That we can still work together? Was he trying to say that he make amends?
"I want to know that when I come back home, from lockdown, that I have you. I should have never kept you hidden when you really are one of a kind.. I can't say the words but I swear, I mean them. I want this and I'll work at it." He finished stroking his hands over my hair continuously.
"Us? You want us?"
"Yeah. Call me crazy but I think we stand a good chance against the world." He answered giving me a side smile.
"Not the world.. Just the people we know and love. I don't want anything more."
He nodded seeming to agree with me, when he asked the question.
"So who is telling Billy?"