TW ⚠️ - SA
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I'm crying and twerking all at once bc we hit 50k reads nxbndkskslsl thank you all so much like I'm crying some real thug ass tears rn 😭😭😭😭 to give my thanks here is an update 💗
♡ Amini Salazar ♡
"Cheers to all the hardwork you've all put into this company!" Jensen shouts, raising his glass. I sit silently in the back row and raise mine then take a sip. I honestly had no clue why I was here to begin with. I'd rather much be at home but then again, I'd have to listen to Quinten pressuring me to tell him what's wrong with me. Don't get me wrong, I love that he's so caring but now is just not the time. There's so much shit going on with my life and i'm just trying to be the one in control of it, I need to take control and fix things for myself which is why I've been looking for a new manager these last few weeks. Jensen has got me some really good bookings and this publicity stunt with Hayden is doing me well but I don't like it. It feels like I'm being fake for the public actually, that's exactly what it is I'm doing. I have learned to grow thick skin within these last few weeks which is still hard because I do find myself having out bursts or crying from the stress but, we have to be pushed to our breaking point in order for us to know how far we can go and how much potential we have in us.
For me, as long as I keep this mindset and push myself forward I'll be okay, shit is just rocky right now but life ain't perfect and nor is the modeling industry especially when you're around models who have way more to show for than you. I have been busting my ass though so I am getting my name out there, I actually have a magazine shoot next week and an audition for a runway walk sometime next month. If all works in my favor then I'll land that spot.
"What are you doing back here all by yourself?" I look up and smile at Kendall; a model who soon became a close friend of mine. I made it a promise to stay far away from Bella as much as possible and by doing that I ended up becoming friends with Kendall. "I don't want to be here." She laughs and sits down beside me, taking the glass out of my hand. I watch her drink the rest of my champagne then run her finger along the rim of it while looking around at our surroundings. "You're not the only one." She replies, pressing her back against the chair. "I can't believe that this was mandatory, how is a party mandatory." Kendall scuffs, I laugh and nod in agreement. I could understand if he had something important to tell us but he didn't he just wanted us to show up and from the looks and throw back drinks. "So your birthday is next week..." I look at her and nod. I've been so damn busy I forgot about that, my ass forgot that we were in the month of July. "So, what are you doing as a celebration?" I shrug my shoulders and open my clutch, taking my phone out to check the time. "You're going to be twenty seven, girly. You have to do something."
"Yes, thank God for another year of life and that's it." Partying is starting to get lame for me now. Dressing up just to go out and be surrounded by sweaty, drunk bodies is no longer the wave. I rather sit my ass on the couch and watch some tv with my kids and husband while stuffing my face. "Come with me to the bar?" She asks while grabbing my hand, I glance over at the bar, seeing a few models crowded around it. "Okay, I'm not getting a drink though." I state while standing up and pulling the ends of my dress down.
"It's not like the drinks they have here are good anyway, I just want another glass of champagne." She tells me while leading me over to the bar. I look around while following her; I just really need to go home if I'm being completely honest with myself because I feel out of my element whenever I'm around these girls, the vibes and frequencies I feel just don't suit me well; my soul feels as if it's in some type of danger.
Damn, I'm starting to sound like my husband. I mean I am the other half of him as he is the other half of me so we literally merge into a whole but, I have not been feeling as connected to him as I once was and I know exactly why that is but I don't even want to speak on it because it'll break my own damn heart. What if I already broke it though? Lying to myself and convincing myself that I am okay is a form of self harm, I'm breaking myself down by the lies i'm feeding myself on a daily. "Earth to Amini." Joining Kendall back into a current state of mind, I smile and rub the back of my neck and lean against the counter.
"I notice that you do that a lot."
"Do what?" I ask, placing my clutch on the wooden surface.
"Zone out, it's like you're in your own world for a good five minutes. It's kinda cute, sorta" She laughs, looking back at me.
I tuck my lips and smile while I watch her begin to tell the bartender what it was she wanted. "I need to talk to you about something, it's good news." Chills run down my spine when I hear his deep voice in my ear, the hairs on my neck raise as well as the beating of my heart. My goul was to avoid him as much as I could while here tonight but, I failed. I build up the courage to turn around and face him, I force a smile on my face and look into his chilling eyes. "Good news!?" Faking my excitement as much as I possibly can right now. "Yes, I told you that I wanted your face on billboards didn't I?" He runs his tongue across his bottom lip which causing my stomach to spin. "Mhm." I respond.
"Well, get ready to throw a party for yourself. Come with me." Before I can even grab my clutch off the counter, he grabs my hand and begins dragging me away from Kendall. I look over my shoulder at her and see her staring at me with a weird facial expression. "Uh, what's this news?" I ask as he guides me down one of the hallways. "I'll tell you riiight now." He releases his tight grip on my hand and opens the door for me, stepping aside to let me walk in first. Entering the room, I carefully observe it while biting on the inside of my cheek. "Remeber that runway slot I was talking to you about a few weeks back." He states, approaching me.
I lean against the desk and nod, "The one for Vogue, right?"
"Yes, you got it." He mumbles, grabbing the file beside me.
"Wait, foreal?" I can't help but to smile at the good news considering I've been busting my ass for what felt like forever and now finally shit is really paying off. "Yes you got it, you'll be walking the runway for a new fall collection that's coming out soon."
"Holy shit, are you serious or are you just fucking with me?" He gives me a cold glare then looks down at the papers in front of him.
"Don't get too excited now, you got a lot of shit to do til then. This is literally just the beginning, I'd lie to you if I told you that it wasn't, hold your breath until December. I'm working on getting you in the Victoria Secret fashion show this year. Now that will be hard but we have a solid three months for you and Hayden to make a mark on this industry which is why I was suggesting that you go by a different name, Amini just doesn't suit you well." I knew this was coming, he still wasn't satisfied with how I naturally was I mean I'm cute, my name is cute and I'm a good model, what else do you want out of a bitch?
"What about.." I start to fumble with my fingers. I had a perfect name in mind but, it was a name that had so much hurt tattooed on it; a name that left me trapped. "About what?" He replies.
"Well, I do have a name in mind."
"What is it?"
"Exotica."
"Exotica?"
"Yeah I think that might fit me well, it's different and I feel like it goes with this persona we're building up, don't you?" I bite down on my bottom lip and glance at him. He stands silently, I guess taking the time to think about the name and if it would actually go with my public image.
"We'll put that in the idea box." He rubs his chin and walks from behind the desk, over to me. "I have to say, you've really been doing your part these last few months. I guess a little shoving does go a long way." I tuck my lips at the last part of his sentence, remembering that awful night in the backseat of that SUV with him, the night he showed me how much of an horrible person he was. "I-I think I'll get back to the party now. Thanks for getting me the spot, Jensen. It means so much to me." I smile then begin walking to the mahogany door of the quiet office.
"Where are you going?" He says softly, grabbing my wrist, pulling me back towards him. He looks me up and down and smirks. I do the same as the beating of my heart begins to flood my eardrums."I need a proper thank you, all this work I've been doing for you... two simple words are not enough for me. I want you to show your appreciation." I flare my nostrils and give him a disgusting look. "No, the fuck. You'll take that two words and I'll be on my way." I try pulling my hand out of his grip but he only tightens it.
"Oh no, but it doesn't work like that you see. I scratch your back and you scratch mine."
"If you want your back scratched so bad invest in a back scrachter." He laughs at me and removes his hand only to place it on my waist. I take it upon myself to back hand him which was an honest mistake because in seconds, I was on the floor with a busted lip. "You asshole." I mutter, wiping my mouth. Before I can fully stand to my feet I receive another hit followed by Jensen grabbing me and backing me up against a wall. He forces himself on me and pins my arms above my head.
God please don't let this happen, again.
"Jensen, stop." I try freeing myself from his tight grasp but that just makes things worse for me. His filthy hands move down to my thighs, reaching up my dress. I begin to hit his back repeatedly, hoping that he'd stop but that just makes him force himself on me more. Feeling my panties go pass my thighs, I begin to cry. He's going to rape me and no one is around to help. I begin to scream praying that someone, anyone can hear my cries for help and walk through that door and stop this before it happens.
I mush his face when I feel him enter a place were he didn't belong, a sacred temple of mine that he had no business roaming around. "Stop it!" I scream, fighting him. Scratching his face and yelling as loud as my vocal cords would allow, my screams go unnoticed; in a house full of people my screams are silent and I'm alone, with him. He grabs my thighs and picks me up, pressing his body firmly against mine, delivering vengeful thrusts back to back leaving me with an aching heart, tears fall from my eyes as I try to scream even louder to the point my throat becomes raw and all I'm producing is faint screams that are useless. My breathing begins to slow down the longer I feel him wandering around the parts of me that didn't belong to him, he had no right to explore me; spread my legs like the pages of an open book, a book he had no intentions of reading. flipping through the pages roughly instead of being gentle, ripping out pages that showed no interest to him, disposing of them like they didn't matter.
"Are you bleeding or just that wet?" His grunts pushing me up against the office desk. placing one hand on the back of my head while the other was gripping my dress, things falling off the desk from me trying to reach for anything that might be some type of protection. My hips spread wider when his hot hands are on my bare skin, holding me in place. The pain, so unbearable. His nails in my skin feel like throns, digging deep and drawing blood. I try screaming but I honestly had no effort to even if I did, the music blasting would just cover up my screams. "I scratch your back, you scratch m-mine." He grunts as his strokes become more of a fast pace. His breathing starts to increase along with his grunts letting me know that he's close to releasing. I attempt to fight him off one last time before he cums but it's too late. Removing himself from me, my knees give way causing my body to collapse on the cold tile floor. How did I let this shit happen to me again?
"Make sure you-" he stops talking when knocking can be heard on the other side of the door. I remain on the floor with my back pressed against the desk and let my tears fall while thoughts run through my mind. He says something to me then walks out the door, when I hear it close I break down and pull my knees to my chest.
"Amini?" I hear someone say. I don't respond, I just continue to cry until I hear another voice.
"Oh my god, what happened?" I lift my head to see Kendall and Bella standing above me. Bella kneels down and caresses my cheek while Kendall looks at me with tear filled eyes. "W-what happened?"
"I told you, shit." Bella looks at Kendall, pushing her hair behind her ears and looks at me. "I'm okay." I tell them.
"No you're not," Bella grabs my arm and carefully helps me up, I lean against the desk and remove the wet strands of my hair out my face. "I should've told you never to be alone with him. Kendall why didn't you come with her?"
"I-I don't know he sound like he meant business s-so," Kendall sighs and runs her fingers through her hair. "I'm fine, I swear that I am." I sniffle trying to stand on my own. I wipe away my tears, fix my hair and then my dress. "You're not okay Amini...he just raped you." Bella clearly states. My lip starts to quiver but I fight the tears. There's no need for them right now. "I-I'm okay." I repeat.
"Is this the first time he did this?" She grabs my face and stares into my eyes, "Has he done this before?" I shrug my shoulders then remove her hands from my face. "I'm going to go home, I'll catch you guys later." I remove myself from the desk and begin walking out; Kendall comes after me and grabs my arm. "Let us get you cleaned up and we'll take you home." She offers, I quickly shut it down until Bella chimes in. "Yes, come on." They both lock their arms with mine as the three of us exit out of the room. We walk silently down the empty hallway until finding a bathroom. Bella opens the door and gestures for me to go inside. Once I do they close the door behind them and rush over to hug me. I stand still instead of returning the hug, I really had nothing to say nor nothing to feel right now, all I want is to go home and shower, wash his filthy scent off of my body and just forget that this ever happened. "Let me fix your hair for you." Kendall begins running her fingers through my dark hair, trying her best to make it look decent. I let her as I look in the mirror at my reflection. Taking a hundred steps forward only to get knocked two hundred back seems to be a repeated cycle for myself. Just as things start looking up something comes and fucks with my mental.
"Here put these on." I watch Bella remove her shorts and hand them to me. "You can wear my jacket." Kendall says, removing my dress for me. I thank her and put her jacket on then grab Bella's shorts. I remove my underwear then slip the shorts on. "You're thicker than me so they're tight, sorry." Bella mumbles, pulling her long shirt down to cover the fact that she wasn't wearing any pants.
"It's f-fine." I mutter, turning around to look at them. The bathroom falls silent as the three of us stand still. They look at one another then at me, "After all that has happened between us with this scandal and shit," Bella stops and chews her bottom lip. "If you need me I'm here for you. I know what you're feeling, I've been in the same boat as you." Tears soon form in her blue eyes which makes my own eyes water, I sniffle and give her a tight hug.
After spending thirty minutes in the bathroom trying to make me look as presentable as possible; we all step out and walk down the hallway, following the loud music, I look around at all the girls having a good time, enjoying their night until my eyes land on Jensen, sitting in the corner with a few models. He stares at one of them as she tosses back shots with ease.
"Let's go." Kendall gives me a light shove and leads the way out with Bella right behind us.
"I'll take her home, make sure none of those girls are alone with him," Bella takes my clutch out of Kendall's hold then grabs my arm and begins pulling me towards her parked car. "We don't need this happen more than once tonight or at all for that matter."
"Okay, I will goodnight." Kendall quickly replies before walking back into the mansion. I push the sleeves of the jacket Kendall had given me up and grab the door handle, pulling at it a few times before she unlocks it.
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"He did it to you too, didn't he?" I finally speak. She looks over at me then back at the dark empty roads, she had to be taking some backstreet because LA streets are never this empty around this time of night nor did it take me this long to get home.
"Is that why you were crying that day Hayden and I had a meeting with him?" She laughs and glances over at me.
"Being a model is never easy. You always find yourself in situations that make you question yourself and your worth. Peoople view you as property so they treat you like you are." She replies, stopping at the red light. I nod instead of giving her a verbal answer, lately that's how I've been feeling with this. I mean being a model was never something I was really interested in but at the time it seemed better than stripping but I've come across pain that has me questioning what I'm doing with my life.
"I always dreamed of being a model you know, I remeber dressing up in my mother's clothes and trying on her heels when I was younger. From a young age I wanted to be a model while all the girls around me wanted to be doctors and teachers. When I saw what the modeling industry was really about it honestly broke my heart but, I didn't want to give up on my dream, I didn't want to let the chance slip through my fingers and because of that I had to do and agree to certain things. I hate this job just as much as you or maybe even more but, it's my dream, a dream I've been chasing for as long as I can remember. You just have to be cautious with him or with anyone for that matter but Jensen, he knows what he's doing. He gets in your head and makes you feel like you owe him something when you don't. You don't owe him a damn thing and he knows that so he uses the little leverage he has of being a man and your boss to control you. He's a rapist, that's how he gets models to do as he says. As long as you kiss his ass, you'll be fine but as soon as he realizes that you stand your ground he'll get violent with you. So to answer your question, yes he did. That's why I know not to be alone with him at all. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you before." I sit silently and cry. I had nothing to say at all, nothing. Speaking would not solve anything right now. Talking about it would make it worse to be honest.
But how the fuck am I going to be able to work with this man, I'm not a kiss ass and I speak up for myself but I don't want to get raped every damn time that I do. Looking for a new manager is a hell hole, No one wants to manage you unless you're a top of the line model in this damn city.
"I really need to change management." I say when she pulls up to my house. "If I want to make it in this industry I have to have a new manager, I have to." At the end of the day, No one is going to save you from yourself but you. I need saving and I'm the only person who can do that, not my husband or anyone else. It sounds stupid right now but it's true, I have to depend on myself, to be able to fix things when all is falling apart. I have to be able to stand alone and fight my own damn battles.
"Well, who was your manager before Jensen?"
"You heard of Lexis?"
"That bitch!?"
"Yes, she might be a major bitch but she not treating me the way Jensen is." I reply, "But thank you for the ride. I'll see you later on, okay?" She nods and gives me a hug before I hop out of her car. Walking up the driveway, our sensor lights come on, nearly blinding the hell out of me causing me the shield my eyes.
I hurry inside my home and lock the door behind me, pressing my back against the door. I close my eyes and sigh; tonight has been hell, literally.
"Why are you home so late?" I jump and look up at the staircase, seeing my husband standing at the top in his pajama shorts, rubbing his eyes. He leans against the railing and I assume looks down at me since I can't see much of his face due to all the lights being off. "Why are you awake, it's late." I reply with a question of my own so I could walk around his question.
"I was going over some files in my office." He yawns and scratches his curls. "How was your night moonlight, you sound exhausted."
"Uh, it was good I guess, nothing major happened." I'm glad the only thing we can see is each others silhouettes because if not, I knew he'd be able to tell that I was lying just by looking into my eyes.
"I'm going to shower then sleep."
"In our bed or on the sofa?" He voice sounded flat and annoyed. "I- uh."
"The sofa." He answers for me. I hear him sigh before turning around to walk down the hallway. This just isn't hard on me, it's now hard on my husband and our marriage I feel us getting distant with one another as the days go by and it's my fault, it really is and I can't blame anyone but myself for all of this.
I don't even know how to approach the topic, how do I sit and tell him all of this and what would be his reaction, what if I lose my job because of it? I'm in no position to be unemployed right now over this. At the same time, what's more important losing my sanity or my job?
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So I have nothing to say about this chapter, do you guys?
Y'all still hate Bella?
Who y'all want to manage Amini; Lexis or Jensen?
Also this is the last update for 2017 so I hope you all have a wondertil Christmas, Kwanzaa or whatever it is you love bugs celebrate during this holiday season 💖💖💖💖
Next update will be in 2018 💗
~ soulsexual 💫