I am a very controlling person. Little to none that has happened in my life has been within my control, and as a consequence I try to control almost everything that happens around me. From small things to big things.
People often think that being able to control everything is a good thing, but it is not. It is quite annoying for those around me, as it is for me. Whether it is planning to go out, college, my job, anything. If it is not in my control my anxiety goes wild. I get panic attacks, I start hyperventilating. Out of nowhere, because of nothing.
For a long time I tried to suppress my pain by doing bad things. I smoked a lot, I did drugs, I drank myself into shit, just to feel better. It didn't help and it still doesn't.
It sucks to know that I am still not where I want to be. I try to control things, and that's what controls me. I do anything and everything in order to make sure that nothing happens unexpectedly. It sucks when it does, because I feel like there's nothing I can do to change it.
It has just been thanksgiving and I am thankful for being able to spend it with my friends, those who are more a family to me than anybody else. I don't have a biological family, and that is one of those things that you can't control.
You can't control where you are born. In what family, what condition. You cannot decide that. Ever since I have been trying to surround myself with a family that isn't my real one (or maybe they are) simply because I can't cope with the fact that things have happened that I haven't been able to steer.
It sucks. It really does.
I can never do something spontaneous. It scares me. Doing something that I don't know the end goal of. The result . Possibly it will go bad, and that is the worst thing that could happen.
Not again.
Not more bad things. Not more nightmares. Not more me sweating at night due to overthinking.
I am trying my best to let go of things. To get out there. To meet new people, do new things. But I have noticed how hard this is after everything.
I am still trying.
I am still sorry.
- Ky