My phone suddenly buzzed and my heart started pattering like a machine gun. I had custom notifications for him so that I could reply instantly. But I haven't heard that sound in a while, months actually.
It was kind of sad how things had fallen apart before they could properly merge and bond together. Shakespeare had it all wrong, whilst jealousy can be destructive, the real monster to relationships is insecurity that will feed on us and warp our minds to work against us and that is exactly what had happened.
I know it was kind of messed up because he had entered my life a short while after the love of my life walked out and God it broke me, it destroyed me. I felt as if my soul had been ripped out of my very being, like the essence of life had gone and I was not okay, I am still not okay. I don't think I will ever properly recover from that kind of heartbreak to be completely honest. That love was consuming, I felt it on a spiritual level, all the way down to my bones and beyond, every single fibre in my very being was buzzing as if charged with electricity from this love. It was like the ocean, deep, stretching over the earth, the heart of living.
It really was something else and I never thought such a love would end the same way a star does. Stars combust spontaneously for millions of years on end. Billions of hydrogen atoms react in a minute and that's how it felt being in love with him, it felt like being set on fire, passionate and fuelling and energetic, infinite. But when stars reach their dreary end, when there aren't enough hydrogen to keep the numerous reactions going, one of two things happen : either, the star contracts under the weight of gravity causing the core to contract. As the core contracts, it heats up. This heats the upper layers, causing them to expand and the radius of the star will increase and become a red giant. At some point after this, the core will expand and cool into a white dwarf and then eventually into a black dwarf. Or, the star fuses hydrogen to helium and thereafter fuses into other elements up to iron. Once the core has turned to iron, it can burn no longer and collapses by its own gravity. The core becomes so tightly packed that in less than a second, the iron core shrinks to a neutron core. The outer layers of the star fall inward, thereby crushing it further. The core heats to billions of degrees and explodes into a supernova, thereby releasing large amounts of energy and material into space. The shock wave from the supernova can initiate star formation in other interstellar clouds and the remainder can form a black hole. In both scenarios, the star explodes, the difference is that one ending leaves the star as a lone, cold, small dwarf, and the other spreads the star across the galaxy creating new stars whilst simultaneously becoming a black hole that gnaws and diminishes the rest of the universe in a few light-years at a time. And the way my love had ended, it was more like the second scenario.
I am left as a black hole, an empty, self-destructing abyss that no one can seek. But nevertheless, this new guy only stood a chance because by some miracle, he was so much like my soul, down to his bad habits, it was scary, weird, as if fate was trying to relay some message to me. as we spoke, I began to enjoy his company for all the wrong reasons. I liked him because he mirrored someone I indefinitely loved with all my heart and soul and I knew how wrong it was but it never stopped me. I cried for nights thinking about the face that had invaded my thoughts, just closing my eyes right now, I can see him, I can see how his dark hair blows in the wind, his inspiration clearly being Zayn in 2013, I can see his dark, deep brown eyes that grounded me much like the earth and every time I looked at them, I felt warm and safe and ... just at home. He felt like home. My home. I can painfully remember every immaculate detail of him. Every crevice of his skin, every inch, it's almost like he's standing in front of me. I can feel him, smell him and then open my eyes and die another death as the harsh reality settles in. He belongs to someone else now. This guy was not him and I was only attracted to him because of how closely he resembled my soul.
The new guy soon grew insecure at the fact that I was unable to let go of my ex and that is the reason our ties were cut. I wasn't really affected by the end of this because I was just infatuated but here we are, months later and my heart is having a mini spasm at the sound of him messaging.
E: Guess what? I frowned, why would he message me this after months of not speaking, what game is this?
What? I responded deciding not to waste too much time entertaining him.
E: I'm coming to Maritzburg tomorrow.
My heart jumped as I cautiously typed my reply to him. Come visit me.
E: Okay. I let out a breath in disbelief.
Are you really going to come see me tomorrow? I was feeling so many emotions, I had been speaking to him for a while but I have never actually met him. He stayed an hour away and I couldn't drive so I couldn't go to see him. He was a Computer Science Tutor at a branch of the university that I attend so his weekends were mostly filled and we stopped speaking during the holiday so I haven't gotten the chance to ask him to come see me. Driving to this side was a big deal because he has never drove such a distance alone before and being the only son to an Indian family, his parents were quite reluctant to send him alone just to see a girl.
E: Yes. I told you that I would come to see you if I did come to Pietermaritzburg. I smiled, he actually wants to keep to his word. If he was willing to go to such lengths to see me then obviously I would meet him halfway and go to see him.
Okay I will meet you at campus because that will be convenient for you, just message me when you're here at the campus.
*The next morning*
09:00 - Hey. I'm here at campus.
09:19 - E: I'm leaving home now.
09:20 - Okay. Cool.
10:31 - E: I'm here. I parked here. *Image attached.
10:34 - E: I'm here ...
10:36 - Okay, you're at the Hexagon Theatre and I am on Main Campus so I will walk and see you in a bit.
I was nervous, yet excited and also a bit insecure about what he would think about me, how I look, how I sound, etc. The walk there was quick because my anxiety kicked in and I rushed, I didn't like keeping people waiting. I rushed down the stairs and stood as he walked towards me. His jaw dropped. Good start, I mentally noted, blushing. After speaking and awkwardly laughing, we decided to go for coffee to the mall to which I gave him directions. He complimented my appearance and I blushed the whole time. At the café, we both decide on hot chocolate. The conversation is good and I enjoy his company a lot. He refuses to let me pay the bill. After that he decides to drive me home. On the highway, during our conversation, he suddenly lets go of the steering wheel and says, "you drive."
I exclaim his name," Wait what, no! I can't drive!" He chuckles as he holds my right hand on the steering wheel, I blush as I grasp the situation.
"You rubbish, you just wanted an excuse to hold my hand." I say, annoyed.
He laughs, "Yeah, maybe."
"Don't say maybe when you know I'm right, if you wanted to hold my hand you could have just asked me and I would have said yes, you didn't have to stress me out in the middle of the highway!" I say to him whilst smiling. I definitely didn't expect him to do all of this just to hold my hand. He smiled at me and took my hand, I held his hand, blushing. My cheeks were sore at this point.
After deliberately missing all the turns to my to my house, and using the excuse that having a pretty girl in his car was distracting to him. He parks in a quiet road, undoes his seatbelt and turns to me. I blush knowing exactly what is about to happen.
"Can I have a kiss?" He asked me while I was having a heart attack.
"No." I said shyly, but leaned towards him anyway.
He kissed my cheek. I blushed furiously.
"Your turn." He said, my heart sank a bit. He is not who I want. This is not what I want. I hesitantly moved my head to face him. I didn't want to kiss him but I felt bad so I decided to give him a quick kiss on the cheek. He smiled immediately after my lips touched his cheek.
"Right, now I want a proper kiss." He said.
"No." I blushed, but deep down I felt terrible, the only thing I could think about was how this wasn't him.
He pulled my face anyway and kissed me, he smelt so nice, just like my soul mate, my heart pattered against my chest. I hastily closed my eyes and kissed him back, my imagination drifting off, illustrating the one I want to kiss.
"It wasn't I was kissing, don't be mistaken. It was only him on my mind. Your lips were just convenient." - Rupi Kaur