I wake up with the world on its side.
Okay, it wasn't completely on its side, I was laying down. Blinking slowly, I took in the quiet lounge, particularly concentrating on the man opposite me, clicking away furiously on my laptop.
"What are you doing?" I croaked startling Zak from his mission.
"What? Me? Nothing. Why?" He asked defensively before his hard glare softened seeing me defenceless against him.
"You working? Even on a day off?" I mumbled.
"Something like that. Call it damage control..." He replied scratching his head.
My brows pinched together. "How do you mean? Damage control, on what?"
"Nothing important, not now you are awake. What's up?"
I shrugged "Can I ask you something?"
Zak nodded and closed the laptop lid, giving me his full concentration. His eyes fixated on my face as I moved mine to his throat.
"Have you really been busy? Or just avoiding me?"
His throat bobbed as his mind took hold of my question. "What? Why would you think that?"
"I do understand if you have. I mean, I'm not fun to be around, the damaged one." I mocked.
"Don't say that about yourself. You're not damaged, not at all."
"Just changed from what and who I was. You can admit it Zak.. You don't have to lie, I can see it in your eyes."
His shoulders sagged "It's not a big thing, you're taking time to adjust to what's hap-"
"Who was I? Why can't I remember much of you? Why out of everything has the memory of you been hit?"
Zak frowned himself "I don't know, I really don't."
My eyes went to my camera, being confined in the walls of my home for hours upon hours. You notice the small changes in your home. Like I knew my camera had been moved... To the right in fact.
"Were we arguing on the phone?" I threw in making Zak look up.
"W-why would you think that?"
"Don't know. Just thought I would ask, I guess."
He nodded "No we were just talking about work. The call cut out before I heard anything though, I figured it was signal issues."
"Right."
The lounge fell silent as my eyes kept reverting back to my camera. It's positioning was annoying me..
"Have you used it yet? Your camera?" Zak questioned seeing my attention move off the subject.
"No, I haven't. I want too though. Maybe some memory tissue left up here." I tapped my fingertip against my head.
"Well why don't we see?" He asked rising from the chair and stepping across the room effortlessly.
Zak's long fingers picked up the camera and carried it back. Handing it over, I turned it on and got ready to see what I was capable of, but I was sidetracked.
No memory card inserted.
"Huh."
"What's that?" Zak questioned leaning down to look at the LCD screen.
"No memory card.. There is always a memory card in it though." I pondered.
"Did you take it out? Maybe to get them developed or.."
"No, well I guess I don't know." Sighing I turned it off "Can't do that now."
"Why not? Let's go get a memory card?"
"No." I refused dumping the camera beside me.
"Yes, let's go. You're not sitting there all depressed." Zak insisted. He was beginning to get like Billy with his insisting..
Sliding into the sleek grey car, I placed my belt on and looked at Zak who settled himself in the drivers seat. Yet again I watched him, as he fiddled with the electronics of the car before a roar of life filled the car. It simmered into a gentle purr.
Inhaling, I familiarised myself with the smell of leather, sandalwood and vanilla. All the smells I associated with Zak had seeped into his car.
"This is nice." I spoke looking at the detailed stitching of the seat.
"You like it?" He asked.
"I do."
With a show-stopping smile, we headed off. For the first 10 minutes of the journey, I had become tense. The belt was wound around my hand and I was sweating profusely until Zak turned on the air conditioning.
"It's okay." He spoke softly making my eyes peel off the road to look at him quickly "To have some anxiety, it's expected after everything. But I can ensure you, I wouldn't let any harm come to you."
The honesty in his voice made me believe him and I unwound the belt once from my hand, leaving the second loop in place.
"You wanna talk about it? What you're feeling?" He questioned.
"No. No I don't think it will help." I answered clenching the belt a little harder.
"Try it."
Begrudgingly I began..
"I'm scared. Terrified in fact. I'm worried that the car beside us is going to swerve into your front right wing. That the driver behind too engrossed in their cellphone won't see you break on this upcoming red light and she will plough into the back of us. That this family carrier? The mom hasn't realised her son is undoing his restraints. That when he grabs her shoulder, she will freak and pull the steering. Maybe rolling the vehicle and killing not only the boy but maybe someone else! I'm scared that maybe the lights won't change and everything will think they can go at once. That their busy lives mean that they can't be 5 minutes late in this world but they can! They can be late, they can be 5 minutes late in this world because it's better than being 5 minutes early in the next world!"
Zak's hand clenched mine making me gasp for the cool air around us."Breath Kat. Just breathe.."
I panted.
Like a rabid dog, I was panting beside him, obeying his instructions.
"Check my glove compartment, I might have a memory card in there. I brought some the other day, don't ever remember taking them out the car."
My eyes flicked to the glove compartment in front of me, within reach.. But it would mean I would have to unwind my hand.
"I don't think I can.."
"What reach?" Zak asked looking at me quickly. "Let go of the belt then."
"Uh. Maybe when we have stopped or at the next red ligh-!" I gasped as he leant across the car and opened it himself.
"Try and trust me Katy. Believe that I wouldn't hurt you." He spoke pulling out a plastic carrier and dropping it on my lap. "In there."
I moved my hand down the belt, still keeping it within the loop and looked inside..
Three memory cards.
"Yep. Yep they are here."
"Good, now put one in your camera." He instructed.
"What now?"
"Yes now."
I tried to do it one handed until the frustration of the packet became too much and with a red face, pulled my hand free to work faster.
"Now leave the seatbelt alone." Zak spoke seeing my hands scrambling at the packet.
"Please! Please watch the road!" I begged making his eyes snap back to the vehicle ahead.
"How did Billy get you to your hospital appointment?" Zak asked.
"I made him take the scenic route." I mumbled, clearly remembering Billy's frustration as we ended up in the desert before we ended up at the hospital.
"Bet he loved that." Zak sniggered.
"Not really, I think he was super mad, but didn't say anything. Which made the anxiety a whole lot worse! Watch that car!" I panicked.
"Seriously? I'm like 75 feet away from it."
"Braking distance and speed." I whispered taking hold of the door handle.
The sound of the car locking made me look across at Zak who had a small smile "Don't go escaping on me, Ms. Hartwell."
I nodded and removed my hand.
I looked at Zak's arm, extended to the steering wheel with his hand clamped around it. His thumb soothing the leather slightly, I was almost jealous of that piece of leather.. To feel some sort of comfort right now and by someone who cared dearly..
Gulping, I tore my eyes away from the soft stroking and forced my chest to stop it's heaving. I moved my eyes back to his forearm, watching the thick cords shift as he moved the car.
A feeling stirred in me, unknowing what it was, I closed my eyes and pushed it off.
"What don't I remember?"
"I don't follow." Zak spoke making me open my eyes.
"Earlier, you said.. I wish you could remember more?"
Maybe I had heard wrong, maybe it was my table-
The pale colour took hold of his face and confirmed my suspicions.. I hadn't been dreaming.
"W-well you know. Everything. You seem lost. I just wish you remembered somethings. That's all." He replied nodding to himself in confirmation before the Adam's apple bobbed.
"Right." I spy a white lie..
"Just relax. Take in the environment and..." Zak trailed off as we stood in the middle of the desert.
"Yeah uh, take in what? There's nothing here. Most photographers have a subject?"
He lifted his arms and dropped them to his side. "I'll be your subject then. What do you want me to do? I'm at your disposal."
"Disposal-shmosal." I muttered quietly. Turning my eyes to the LCD screen, I sighed "What if I can't do this anymore? What if the crash just bumped the artistic side of me out?"
"Katy, you're a talented photographer, admittedly you don't tend to stray much from landscapes and usually like to take photos of flowers and fields.. But now is the opportunity, to bring something even better in. Like portraits, and landscapes with a moody twist... Who's your favourite artist?"
"For what?"
"Anything?" He asked leaning against his car.
I smiled "Claude Monet."
"Why?"
Shaking my head I coyed away from the question. It sounded daft but I had always been in love with his work, ever since I was little. I used to spend hours looking at his paintings in awe. One in particular. The Bridge over the Lilly ponds.
I used to marvel at the cheap copy placed in my parents home, neither liked paintings or the poster in which had been framed but I loved it. I found similarities with a bridge near my home, but it was never as glorious and beautiful as Monet's own bridge.
"The Japanese bridge one... Right?" Zak guessed making my face falter.
"Hey that's not fair. You knew already." I pouted.
"Of course I did, it's your laptop screensaver..."
"Oh."
"And you did tell me, I admit, I used your Amnesia against you then but I had good reason. His work, it's beautiful, flowers, bright colours. How about going a little Van Gogh?"
"And cut my own ear off?"
He chuckled "Not quiet, I'm sure Billy would have a lot to say about that, none of it being good."
I giggled back. "He would shout so much, he would have a natural Mohawk."
A hearty laugh left Zak "Damn can you remember that?!"
The sound of his laugh made me smile instantly, the slightly higher pitch and goofiness too it had me feeling a little flush. I really don't understand what or why..
Zak calmed down enough to apologise and clear his throat.
"Don't apologise.. I like seeing you laugh." I stated before dropping my head in embarrassment.
"You do?"
I nodded "Your eyes light up. You don't look so brooding.."
Taking a step back away, I snapped a photo of Zak leant against his car with his knee propped up against the wheel.
"Hey, I was joking about me being your subject." He laughed putting his hand up for me to stop.
"No, Zak please! Please just let me?"
Looking up at him, I gave him a little pouted look and batted my lashes a little more than necessary. He gave in.
"I feel so vain." He muttered.
"You'd probably think this song was about you." I sang back as I corrected my position.
I found my footing..
Not only by stance but by photography and before I knew it, we were changing positions and setting up different shots with him or with his car. Zak was on hand constantly advising me or helping me fix up a shot of the car, with something as simple as wiping some dust from his car lights to parking it at an angle so that the sun reflected from his alloys.
The man was an angel.
We stayed until the sun went down and my tummy made the most aggressive protest in the world.
"Holy crap, was that your stomach?" He asked making me go red.
"Alright, don't make a scene.." I muttered.
"How long have you been hungry? You should have told me."
"Not long and I was enjoying myself. I don't need babying."
"No but I am looking after you." He answered moving off his car to stand before me. His cologne wrapped around my body, and with the dropping temperature, the only real source of heat that had been keeping me warm was now him.
"Why?" I questioned.
The question had been burning my mind since we arrived, since he pulled up in the car and told me to get out.
"Why what?" He replied back scratching the back of his neck.
"Why do you care so much?" Unsure of how awkward this was getting, I fiddled with my camera and fingers to pass the time.
"We all do, Me, Aaron and Billy."
"Billy yes, Aaron yes. But you.." I paused.
"Me what?"
"You never came to see me in hospital."
God I sound pathetic.
"Because I don't like hospitals, they are full of illnesses and dead people. I'm a sensitive, Katy. I pick up on peoples emotions and the last time I went to a hospital, I don't remember anyone being happy that they were there." He recalled.
Now I felt ridiculous, of course it was because of that and not some underlying issue. But something still felt amiss with us.
"Hmm." I nodded before walking away to remove the space between us, and the power of his cologne and aura around me.
Getting to the passenger side of his car, I paused seeing my reflection. My hair pinned up in a fashion, camera looped around my neck as I wore a white linen shirt.
"Hey Zak?"
"Yes?"
"How close were we?" I asked him, looking over to make sure there was no lie wrapped in his answer.
"Pretty close. Why do you ask?"
"I just want to know.. Was I seeing anyone? You know, dating?"
His eyebrows rose slightly "Uh, I don't know. I don't think so, Billy would have mentioned it, no?"
"What if Billy didn't know?"
"Then I don't know sweetie. Why?"
I shrugged "Just feel like I'm missing some part of me. Besides the amnesia, you know? Like in here?" I asked placing my hand over my heart.
He looked uncomfortable, like I was dragging him across a bed of nails...
"Maybe I'm being stupid, I just thought- Maybe I'm not good enough for love. If there was anyone then they didn't love me enough to come and see me." I sighed before opening the car door and climbing inside.
"Then its their loss." Zak answered opening his door to reply back.
"Maybe. Maybe not, I mean who wants someone like me... I'm covered in scars, I'm a nervous wreck and I have a piece missing up here." I tapped my head. "But at least I'm alive.."
Zak nodded "Absolutely. Things will fall into place Kat, you just have to give them time."
I pulled my belt on and instinctively wound it around my hand. "Yeah, cause Prince Charming could be right around the corner."
"If you're into charming that is."
I smiled slightly "As long as he has a little rough side maybe. I can't have a man with softer hands than me."
He chuckled gently in the darkness of the car and started it up. My eyes had reverted back to his hands which were holding the wheel with dominance and confidence.
The thumb began to soothe the leather again and the pit of my belly pulled with longing.
Something else was missing, I just know it.
Aesthete - someone with deep sensitivity to the beauty of art and nature.