~Previously~
"Hm. I think I want to tell you..."
"Tell me what?"
"The reason I got so worked up...it's because I don't w-want to lose you...
Again."
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S e l f l e s s
"Do you ever want to run away and start over? Wipe the slate clean. Begin all over again with a blank canvas? It's okay, we all feel that way sometimes. It doesn't mean you don't love your life or the people in it. It doesn't mean that you wouldn't give your last breath to see them happy.
Sometimes when we yearn to be selfish, it means we have been selfless for too long."
-Lang Leav
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"What...do you mean?"
Luciano took my hand, clutched firmly in his, and said, "Close your eyes. I'm going to show you a memory. It's going to be a little fuzzy because it came straight from my head and this happened along time ago, so I don't remember everything crystal clear."
"Okay." I nodded and gripped his hand, closing my eyes.
~Flashback~
I woke up, breathless and alarmed. I had jolted awake from a nightmare.
"I", I must repeat. It seems that this was one of those memories where I couldn't do anything but stare helplessly through the eyes of the me of the past.
'(Name)? You can hear me, right?'
'Yeah. So what's going on? When was this?'
I scurried out of bed and stumbled through the dark; it seemed that I was looking for someone.
'You had a talk with Holy Rome, right?'
'Yeah...how-'
'I couldn't help but to pick up on a few bits of your conversation. He's told you all about the deal you made with him-but he failed to mention that this wasn't your first loop.'
I patted down one of the beds, feeling my heart race as my hands were met with empty blankets.
There was no one on the bed.
'I suppose he never told you that...'
I stepped back, nervously digging my fingernails through my hair. I breathed heavily and rushed toward another bed. Driven to clumsiness by the steadily rising fear, I bumped into one of the mattresses and felt something fall and hit my foot.
'This wasn't the first time we've met.'
I swiveled around, my lungs closing up. A gloved hand reached out, cloaked in darkness, pressing its leather against my lips to seal them shut.
"It would be a shame to hurt you. If I let go, you won't make a single noise, will you?"
'Y-You...those are the exact words you said to me. Luciano, what's going on?!'
I stared in complete shock as he pulled closer and whispered into my ear. Within seconds, my face was drained of color. Milky white bled into my (E/C) eyes, reducing them to the pale color. The Luciano in my memory cackled viciously while he watched me walk abidingly, gently swaying from side to side all the way through.
'The 2ps have a certain little...power, so to say. Some call it charmspeak, hypnosis, or brainwashing. The point is that we possess manipulative, alluring voices that allow the opportunity for complete control over a person's mind.'
I stepped, in an achingly slow manner, over to Germany and Japan's beds. My hands made their way to their destination and all I could see was that familiar glowing light, and two shadowy figures that towered over me like giants.
'When they were we were our own people, we caused chaos by controlling people. We watched as calamity unfolded, all because of us: government officials spoke words of boldness and disrespect toward other nations' leaders, ultimately sparking the commencing of wars, and with that people fought and died in battles. This power doesn't work for people with strong mental health, and people have who already experienced or heard "the voice", too. The words that I first spoke to you were used with "the voice", so I knew right away that my little trick couldn't work on you anymore. You might've forgotten, but...
I will never forget.'
And I returned to Luciano's side.
"This...wasn't the first time we've met."
"Correct." His face looked calm and relaxed, like he had already accepted his gruesome past. "As you must've realized, when you touch a certain object belonging to a 1p that is special and important to them, you are able to summon a 2p. When I first met you, I lured you into touching the others' special objects when they were either sleeping, or weren't looking. This awoke the other 2ps, and you surprisingly got along with them." Luciano's words came to a halt as he thought carefully. "What happened in that loop...is not my story to tell. But what I can tell you, is that you sacrificed yourself...for me."
"I...did..." I paused, glancing at him and feeling the words clog up in my throat. "...W-What I did for Prussia..."
"Reminded me of that sacrifice you made for me."
"I'm sorry."
"For what?"
I wrapped an arm around his back and brushed my head against his collarbone, sighing into his chest. "I'm sorry for making you go through that.
What I did was reckless, rash, and honestly just really stupid of me. I'm so used to just being a useless pawn, a slave shackled to obedience and submission, a guide that was just there for someone's entertainment. Now, even if I've been let free, I just can't help but be stuck in that mindset that I always have to please everyone else, that my happiness always depends on the happiness of the people around me.
Selflessness has been a hindrance to my existence, for I can't help but to throw myself into danger, even if that it results in drowning in the pain and suffering that was meant for the people I care about.
It's scary. It's really scary, you know? It's so hard to grow out of the rules you've been told to follow ever seen you were born. I just can't stop being selfless, and I can't help but get so emotionally attached to a person that I would do anything for them,
But...if you would like me to, we could...create a compromise of some sort." I leaned back and gave a small sheepish smile, a natural reaction to how awkward I felt for revealing something so personal to him. "It's the least that I could do."
"Yes," Luciano nodded in agreement. "Sounds like a good idea."
"So where do you think we should start?"
"First, I suppose we should figure out where or when do you find yourself being too selfless. When does this usually happen? And why?"
"I would say when the countries depend on me and treat me like a leader, even if I literally have no idea what I'm doing most of the time." I groaned just thinking about it, running my fingers through my knotted hair. "It stresses me out sometimes because I feel like I have to be a role model; for example faking confidence even when I know something bad's going to happen simply for the sake of the countries' sanity."
"I know exactly what you mean." I glanced over at Luciano. "For some bizarre reason, the 2ps seem to look up to me. I have no idea why, as I am one of the most headstrong, impatient people in the world, but it is what it is. During one of the loops...uh, well, all I can say is that the 2ps and 1ps are connected in spirit. Something happened to the 1ps, and the 2ps fell along with them.
When Italy rewound time, I realized that Gil and Flavio didn't remember anything." He rested his back against the bed's headboard and tilted his head downwards, closing his eyes. "And just like my 1p, I didn't forget a single thing. Ignorance is bliss, as they say."
"......Pick a word."
"What?" He blinked his magenta eyes in my direction. When I didn't say anything, Luciano cocked his head to the side. He answered, "Bittersweet. That's the word I choose."
Huh, how ironic...the word I chose to describe him...
"(Name)?"
"Oh, sorry." I paused, reaching over to clutch his hand firmly. "We can use bittersweet as a code word. If either one of us feels stressed and overwhelmed, they can say the word, and the other has to do their utmost best to get them to a quiet spot and give them a moment to breathe." I let go of his hand and raised my pinkie. "Promise?"
Luciano smirked, shaking his head a little. "God, you're so childish."
I pouted. "Look who's talking."
"Touché." Nevertheless, he still wrapped his pinkie around mine. "I promise."
I smiled softly and tugged my pinkie back, laying my hands on my lap.
"Okay. Anything else?"
"Hmm...Well, sometimes I'm a little shy when it comes to actually saying how I feel. That usually results in me not telling others how I feel and keeping it to myself." I tapped my chin and spoke, "Maybe we can make a signal or some sort?"
"I've got an idea." With a flick of his wrist, a red pen materialized in his hand. "Once in a while, I'll ask you if you're okay. If you truly are, draw a red heart on my hand. If you're not," Luciano created another pen, a blue one, and slipped it into my palm. "Then draw a blue heart. Depending on your mood, you can change the proportions as you please. Is that alright?"
"Yeah, I like that idea." I gave an eager nod and slipped the two pens in my hoodie's pocket. I glanced up to catch Luciano's watchful gaze whisk away from mine. "What is it?"
He slowly edged closer to me, cupping his hands over my cheeks. He inspected my face, frowning all the while.
"You...haven't been taking care of yourself, have you?"
I shamefully ducked my head. I lifted a hand to pry his from off my face, but I couldn't do it. He brushed his index finger along my chapped lips, my sunken face paired with prominent eye bags, and sighed disappointingly.
"May I ask why?"
"I-I don't know..." I whispered in a hoarse, hesitant voice. "I just try to lay in bed but I always have the urge to get up. There's just so much to do, and I can't help but think about the stuff I need to do-"
He suddenly slammed my back against the bed-gently yet quite roughly-and smirked. "Hopefully I am included in that list?"
Dead silence.
"Darling, it amuses me greatly that the only way to make you be quiet is to flirt with you." Luciano chuckled, a husky, mesmerizing laugh that made me shiver, as if I could even dare to be cold when I was so close to the heat that radiated off his body. "Listen to me: self-care is so damn important. Sometimes you've got to watch out for yourself, even if that means being selfish once in a while."
I shut my eyes. He's right, I thought to myself. Once. Twice.
"No matter how much I want to deny it, you're right. You're right, Luciano."
His grip on my wrists loosened and I opened my eyes. He tipped his body to the side and collapsed, filling the vacant spot in the bed right beside me. "I know I am~"
I reached over and tugged at his sleeve. "Hey...um, thank you..."
"Shh," Luciano lightly pressed his ring finger to my lips. "I know what you're going to say anyway, so just don't say it. Don't waste your breath." He let his arm drop to the mattress. "But you're welcome. However, I need something in return."
I tilted my head in confusion. "What do you want?"
"Something."
I stared at him, taking in his every moment, his blushing cheeks and twitching arm. I grinned cheekily and moved closer to him, grabbing him by the wrist and lifting his arm around my waist.
"Is this fine, are you comfortable?"
"What...are you doing?"
"People call it cuddling. How is it?"
"Disgusting." He deadpanned. Luciano turned his head away from me and said quietly, "I like i-it, I mean you, crap I mean-
"You...like me?"
I looked up at him, eyes widening. I wondered if it was a crime for a person as normally cold hearted as him to look so vulnerable and embarrassed like that.
"No, I hate you." His chilling words didn't match the playfulness in his smirk.
I snickered and mumbled under my breath,
"Whatever you say, Vargas. Whatever you say."
He pulled me close, so close that he seemed to never want to let go. Neither did I.
Then came his soft voice, a ghost of a whisper, but it didn't fail to hit me with the strength of a tornado,
"I like to be selfless sometimes. Even for just a moment, being with you makes me forget about it all."
"Forget what?"
"My past self, who collected sins of selfishness like a child coming across a trail of shiny pennies."