Twisted Moon - Book 3 of the Black Moon series - Chapter 80: One Step Back
(Noah's POV - Sat. 8 August 2015)
His hands are firm on my body and I am so weak that I cannot fight against him. He roughly drags me to the torture room and brutally throws me across the bench. By some sort of miracle, I have barely touched the leather of the bench that I am already all tied up in the restraints, unable to move. Andrei is guffawing behind me, throwing out some of the worst insults and calling me his slut as his large paws knead my buttocks.
However, the script suddenly changes and I am teleported outside of the tied body and pinned against the opposite wall, facing a gagged Jeremy. Andrei's lustful and sadistic eyes glow as he smirks at me and I then notice that he is fully naked. I scream as he thrusts forward and slams inside the poor boy.
"Noah!!! Noah!!!!"
Daddy!! What is he doing here?
Ugh, same nightmare again. I feel so bad for Jeremy...
That guilt won't leave me alone! I just can't help it and none of Daddy's words seem to convince me that I have no responsibility in what happened. If my mind can't accept it, I guess this is only because it is not true. I do have my share of culpability in the events. I do not deny that most of the blame goes to my parents and Andrei and his crew. And in this respect, I no longer resent myself for having worried Daddy during my absence. The fact that he is safe and knowing that he also fucked up when he decided to go on his own have also tamed my guilt for having him nearly killed when he was shot, but that same knowledge also reinforces my guilt toward Jeremy.
I should have known better than to panic when I saw all the blood on Daddy's tee-shirt that day. I should have grabbed myself together and looked under the shirt. I would have seen where the bullet got in and known that it shouldn't be too serious. I should have run after the van and tried harder to save Jeremy. And even before that, I shouldn't have cowered in the bushes and better used my time to go and free my companion in the van. These are a lot of should have's that could have saved his life. That is inacceptable to me and there is nothing that can make me think otherwise.
Daddy's reasoning that I wouldn't have had time to free Jeremy and could have been taken away by Andrei does make a bit of sense, I admit it. But who knows? Who the fuck knows what would have happened if I had rushed to the van to get Jeremy? Maybe I would have had enough time to do it. And he would be safe! He wouldn't be between Andrei's paws any longer. And even if it didn't work, as awful as it sounds, I would have been there with him to take the blows in his place and support him as well. I know how this might sound ridiculous because I obviously attach more affection to Daddy, but it doesn't change anything to the fact that I was captive for two weeks and I am already back in the comfort and safety of my man, when Jeremy has been deprived of all this for more than a year. This is just not fair.
So, ever since last Tuesday when Daddy and I had that long conversation in the bedroom which somehow pulled me out of my oblivion, I have slightly felt better and made some efforts to pull myself through. I no longer sleep all day long. I do sleep in late in the morning while he is at work but I busy myself with chores in the house for the rest of the day and until he gets back home in the early evening. That allows him to relax and us to spend time together, and it clearly makes him happy; almost as much as the fact that we are now able to hold conversations and that I no longer retract into my shell. Also, I eat better and I accompany him for long walks with Jess in the evening.
All in all, things look a bit brighter but they are still far from perfect. Evidence lays in these nightmares that I keep having every night. They just prove that my conscience is not ready to accept the absence of guilt and that I am still seeking for Jeremy's forgiveness. Unfortunately, those dreams keep throwing me into intense and exhausting trances from which Daddy has difficulty to pull me out of and it takes me more and more time to calm down and ease off the tension. Last night, it went so far that it felt like my head was going to explode from the throbbing pain. Daddy had to restrain me with his body while I was thrashing all over the bed and begging him to punish me.
Yeah punish me. I begged for that. Old habits die hard. At that precise moment, the pain in my head was so harsh that getting physically hurt was the only thing I could think of. Having Daddy around me, I naturally thought of the playroom and its numerous instruments, especially the cat o'nine. After all, this is how he used to soothe my urges, as well as his, only a few weeks ago and I sincerely thought he would help me with it again. However, his answer was definitely not the one I was hoping for and he adamantly refused. I guess he also knew I might make another kind of mistake if he let go of me so instead, he imprisoned me in his arms and between his legs so strongly that I had no other choice than to deal with my pain and wait. It just took me at least an hour to calm down and fall back asleep.
The result is that Daddy called almost between each appointment on Friday to supposedly blow me a kiss, but I suspect he just wanted to check in on me and make sure I wasn't in on making stupid mistakes. My point is definitely not to make him worry about my state of mind more than he does – I believe he has done that enough for the rest of his life – so I really strived to speak in an unwavering voice each time he called but the conversation I was expecting did happen in the early evening when he got back home. Unsurprisingly, he wanted to speak about the previous night and the fact that I begged for a punishment.
Daddy stated he cannot consider picking up things where we had left them off before the July events. He served me a similar bullshit as he did a few months ago when he introduced me to the lifestyle and didn't want to be my Dominant for fear of hurting me. To be honest, I didn't argue too much this time. The conversation wound up in a rather awkward and embarrassing one on both sides; Daddy because I think he wanted to hide how his own words didn't seem to convince himself and how he is craving for some real release; and me because I mostly felt ashamed for having such needs.
Anyway, all this doesn't help my guilt and the nightmares it enhances but at least this time, I am better prepared and I manage to quickly calm down by projecting myself in the playroom, tied up at the cross. I imagine that Daddy's caresses are the lashes of a flogger licking my skin. And his words of comfort transfer into words of praise where he would congratulate me for being a good boy. I remember how I used this technique one terrible afternoon a few months ago and how it worked. At that time, my imagination craved for the sensations and it worked pretty well. Today is a bit different because I have experienced the lifestyle with him and I know full well that his soothing is nothing like what a real scene in the playroom would be, so it still takes me a bit of time before I manage to fall back asleep.
Weirdly, when I wake up for good later that morning – way after 10 – I don't feel rested at all and would happily laze in bed but someone is using the vacuum downstairs and I doubt I will be able to fall back asleep. So, I eventually get up and first stop by the bathroom before I head out, still in my boxer briefs. Exactly like yesterday, my eyes stray to the first door on my right in the corridor and I can't help a twitch of my cock when I think about what it is hiding. Of course, I know what is behind that door. I haven't forgotten all the pleasure I received in that room and I have secretly visited it a few times in the last few days. I didn't touch anything. Contrary to what perverted minds would think, I didn't jerk off either.
No, I just stayed there, kneeling on the floor with my eyes closed and inhaling the comforting scent of leather coming from the furniture and accessories. To be honest, I have been doing that every time I felt my anxiety rise in Daddy's absence and the smell brought me the relief I needed in order to avoid making other stupid things. It isn't only the smell, but also all the memories I have in this specific room. I don't really need it right now though, so I ignore my desire to open the door and to go kneel on the floor, but I realize I must hold this conversation with Daddy and convince him to return to our lifestyle. And the sooner the better.
I need my Daddy back...
He is still hovering the living room when I reach the bottom of the staircase so I patiently wait by the entrance for him to finish. When he switches off the appliance and discovers my presence, he apologizes for waking me up and covers me with kisses even if I tell him that it wasn't what woke me up. I grab Jess in my arms and head to the kitchen to get my breakfast which is already served and Daddy joins me at the island counter with another coffee while the puppy goes to lie down outside on the terrace.
Daddy makes small talk while I eat, telling me about our – non-existent – plans for the weekend, which only consist in a few errands this morning and this afternoon and a ton of idleness for the rest of time. Is this really what our weekends will look like in the future? Damn, I hadn't thought about that, but what about the evenings at the club? I want to go back to the Black Diamond!!!
Yeah... That would mean seeing everybody... Am I capable of that? It's not that I don't want to see my friends, I actually miss them, but I'm a bit scared about their potential reactions. Especially Liam's. Once again, there is this guilt for having abandoned his friend to Andrei, but not only. The way I ignored him when he visited me last week was just so mean... I'm so ashamed of my behavior. And yet, a visit to the club could help. Maybe?
"We could go to the Black Diamond tonight..." I propose nonchalantly, yet not daring to look up at him. I don't need to, actually. The way he slams his mug on the counter, spilling coffee over, speaks enough for what he thinks of my suggestion. I guess this is going to be a hard task to convince him...
"I thought I made myself clear yesterday evening, Noah?" he says dryly as he steps off his stool with his mug and heads toward the sink. Noah... I suddenly realize that he hasn't called me by anything else but my name since I was freed almost three weeks ago. No Baby. No Baby Boy. I really miss that. At the same time, I have also only called him Camden, so... Maybe he needs to hear something different...
"Please... Daddy..." I beg in a small voice. The noise of the mug falling in the sink doesn't sound good at all; neither does the way his body tenses. I hear him take a deep breath before he turns around but I suddenly wish he had kept his back to me. His expression reflects so much pain and sadness that it hurts me deeply. I would have preferred to see anger.
"Noah... we discussed this already yesterday; it's not possible..." he says softly. Noah. Again. And that gentle tone... this is just not him!
"And what if this is what I want?" I argue bitterly as he wipes the counter clean.
"This is far too soon... You need to get over things first. That won't happen in just a few days or weeks..." he tries to reason me.
"How would you know I'm not ready? How would you know I haven't gotten over things?"
"You're still having these nightmares, Noah! This is how I know!" he sighs in exasperation. "You also need to recover physically and be strong enough to go back to work and then to school. Be patient and let time do its work."
He puts an end to the conversation as he goes upstairs to continue the cleaning and I am left brooding over my feelings. I need someone to help me on that matter and I certainly won't find that help in him. I wish I could text one of my friends, but I don't have a phone at the moment and I am scared to fall on Mark or Joshua if I call their landlines. Maybe Aaron? Ugh... I'm sure he would rat on me to Daddy! All this is giving me a terrible headache! Arms suddenly wrap around my waist and make me startle on my stool while a trimmed beard tickles my neck.
"You should go get ready now so that we can go out..." Camden whispers in my ear.
"Hmm... Do you really need me to go with you?" I ask warily. I would really like a bit of time on my own to relax in the playroom but I can't tell him that.
"Not necessarily... but I thought it would do you some good to go out for a while?"
"I'm actually tired... and you said we'd go out this afternoon too..." I argue, leaning against his chest. Please, let him agree so that I can go and soothe my head in the playroom!!
"It's up to you. I don't have much to do outside this morning anyway, so I won't be long. Go at least take your shower..."
"Okay then... I'll do that and then I'll just go lie down on the couch a bit..."
After my shower, and once he has left, I go to sit in the living room and ponder on what I should do. I am really tempted to try and call Liam but what am I going to tell him? I feel so shameful of my previous attitude toward him I would rather see him face to face to apologize first. Besides, how can I explain him I want to convince Daddy to return to our lifestyle? He might as well think I am crazy in the head! Which is maybe the case...
I know I shouldn't want this. What I experienced last month should have shocked me to the point I wouldn't want to ever be restrained or subdued again. I am not completely stupid and I am aware that this is how most normal people would react. Sadly – or not – this is not my case. The truth is I need it. I need this lifestyle because it fits my personality and it fulfills my needs. My mind may be twisted but this is just how it works and there is nothing I can do about it.
Besides, what if returning to the lifestyle was what will make me get over things completely? What if it was the trigger that will help me to accept my mistakes and heal from the terrible guilt that is eating me? What if I found comfort and relief in being subdued and dominated, as long as it is consensual and involves the man I love? These are only stupid questions because I know this is what I need! I know it deep down and the simple frustration at thinking Daddy won't yield to my desires leads to another fit of throbbing pain in my head. He said he wouldn't be long but I might still have time to go and relax in the playroom! I hurry upstairs but once I get into the corridor, I notice that the key has disappeared from the lock outside the room.
"No... No, no, no..." I whimper as I try to turn the knob, but the damn thing is definitely locked. Why...? Why would he lock it? Why would he deprive me of that source of relief? Because you haven't explained it to him, Silly! Ugh, of course I should have told him! I should have forced the conversation further this morning and explained him how I have been getting mental relief in the playroom this week! But it is too late now because he has left and the pain has grown so strong in my head that I can hardly breathe properly.
I know what I have to do...
Logically, I should be calling Daddy for some help or wait for his return, but the problem is that he just won't help me the way I want him to. Daddy is not in the Dominant / Submissive mood at all at the moment and has decided to settle down in his boyfriend shoes. But I don't want that right now! I don't want the lovey-dovey boyfriend who can only call me by my first name.
Noah here. Noah there.
I am sick of hearing that! I want him to call me his Baby Boy! I want to be his Submissive. I want my Dominant back! I do want the lover as well, but what I need the most is Daddy and if I can't have that, I just won't survive it. Even during my captivity, I could only think of him as Daddy, or at least more than as my boyfriend and this just says how sick I may be, but this is what it is and there is nothing I can do about it.
I manage to pull myself together a bit. Just enough to go downstairs and reach the cutlery drawer in the kitchen. And once I have found the perfect knife, I let myself collapse on the floor. I am somewhat conscious of how this is going to upset him and I will certainly have a hard time when I get to see the disappointment and sadness on his face, but I really need it or my head will explode. Just a little cut. A small one... I can even use an old scar so that it won't add further marks on my body. Maybe he will forgive me more easily this way.
My vision is so blurred with tears that I go for the easiest way and slightly pull down the left side of my boxer briefs to reveal one of those scars I have on my lower belly and above my pubis. It has been such a long time I haven't done this that my hands are shaking and I am a bit scared to miss the existent mark, but I eventually manage to aim the point of the knife at one extremity of the scar and trace it all the way.
The relief is almost immediate. The pain in my head decreases by the second and I can only guess this is because I haven't done that in months. A bit like a junkie who would get his first fix after months of withdrawal; or like a smoker who would get his first puff after months without nicotine. This is the same for me and I feel light-headed all at once.
However, to my utter disappointment, the relief is really short course. Guilt floods back straight into my mind when I realize what I have just done. It's not the same guilt I have been feeling recently toward Daddy's threatened life or Jeremy. No, this is another form of guilt. It is one that I will have a hard time coping with. I can already see the pain on his face when he notices the scar freshly opened. I knew it. I did think about it a few minutes ago and I thought I would be able to deal with that easily but I am not so sure anymore. Daddy's disappointment has always been what hurts me the most.
It might not be too late, though...
Shaking my head to clear my thoughts, I pull myself up and quickly rinse the knife in the sink, all the while thinking about how I can do this. I can definitely hide the reopened scar under my briefs.
Oh yes? And do you have sex with your boxer briefs on?
Ugh, crap! That sucks! Well, I can pretend I am not in the mood for sex until it heals then!
That's an idea... I'm sure he'll like it! But there's still bath and shower times and how he likes you to sleep naked!!
Well, I will find a way! There are always solutions and right now, what I need to do is clean that cut, put a bandage on it, then get rid of all the evidence and that includes this pair of white underwear! If I am lucky enough, I will have enough time to do this before he gets home.
If being the key word here. Unfortunately, I am not that lucky, because as I am rushing toward the staircase, the entrance door opens and I am met with the worst emotions on his face; sadness; pain; a bit of anger – though that one, I can deal with. But the worst of all is fear. It's almost fright actually. And I just hate it. I hate the idea of making him worry for me, especially after the two awful weeks he endured without knowing what had happened to me.
I am so pathetic. I really don't deserve such a man. And yet, I just can't live without him. And I need both the boyfriend and the Dominant. I just don't know how I am going to get there but I will; even if it means swallowing my pride and getting some advice from my friends.
However, before that, I will have to face the consequences of my stupidity. As Daddy drops the bags he was carrying and hurries to me, I realize that I am in fucking deep troubles. Not the kind of troubles I like, though; not the ones that would earn me a spanking or a flogging. It goes much deeper than that. It goes along with mental troubles because right now, I have failed him and I know it will take me a lot of time to win back his faith and trust in me.
Published on 10 October 2017
This chapter was a tad bit shorter but it was necessary to show how Noah's mind is moving on and how their return to the lifestyle is drawing. A little relapse in Noah's old urges was quite obvious but it's nothing too bad and that won't happen again because this time... Daddy is coming back in the next chapter!
On a positive note, I have started pre-editing The Darker Side Of The Moon, written the end of epilogue 1 of TM and epilogue 2 of Twisted Moon as well, and I also wrote chapter 0 of Aaron's first book, which means that things are progressing well!
Have a great week and see you on Friday. Be ready, Daddy's coming back but that won't be him in the header because a special guest is coming. Guess who... it's easy 😉