Your Pov
I was happy to call it quits after an eventful night. A fun night out was just what I needed after all that I've been through lately.
When I got home I showered and put on fresh silk pjs to get in bed with. I turned on the tv so it can help me sleep. The moment I thought I would nod off to sleep, I hear my phone go off.
Niall texted me a picture of a truffle candy & said it was better than Seattle truffles.
Just when I had a chance to keep him off of my mind here he go popping up again. Sometimes I just don't want to respond back and sometimes I wish that we had ended on bad terms so that he knew not to bother me ever again or not even want any part of my life. Unfortunately that is not our story yet alone when we ended things for the 3rd time I kept my promise I'd be there for him as a friend. It's just that it's hard to get over him.
How can someone be big hearted, a complete gentleman, so smart and talented still cause so much heartache?
I just texted him back that nothing will be better than Seattle truffles. I tried going to sleep because I am really tired. But no. FaceTime noise going off. I could let it go but why do that because he will call me again.
"Hey" I say simply
"Hey, what are ya doing?" He asked
"Home in bed" I answered tiredly
"I saw Kate's story, it looks like you had a fun night" Niall said & I can't help but feel that he's judging me.
"Well it was girls night, so, it was a good time" I said simply,
"I'm glad you are home safely" Niall said.
Ok maybe I'm paranoid and just overthinking but Niall thinks he is slick for FaceTiming me. I don't know if he thinks I lied to him when I texted him and he just FaceTimed me to see if I was telling him the truth. Maybe he was testing me to see if I would answer his FaceTime, maybe he thought I was hooking up with someone and he was trying to take my
no answer as confirmation. Truly I might be reaching but what kind of fool does he take me for and what would that have mattered we are broken up.
"Thanks, I appreciate you for looking out for me" I said kindly but in my mind and heart I meant that sarcastically.
"Ok well I'll let you get some sleep. Goodnight" Niall said
"Goodnight Niall" I responded and I hung up.
It's taking everything in me to fight back these tears. I already gave myself 2 weeks to cry and grieve our relationship ending and I promised myself I will not shed another tear because not all love is lost for him. And it's ok, but now I wonder if I can do this.
As I was contemplating this suddenly
my phone goes off again and it's Niall FaceTiming me again. Truly I don't want to pick up because I really need to think and I need to sleep on somethings.
I decided to go ahead and answer the phone.
"(Your name), I know it's late and I said I'll let you sleep but this couldn't wait. I don't like that it's awkward between us. It's killing me" Niall opens up to say
"Niall...I'm tired" I said honestly
"I know but please talk to me. I just want to know what can I do to-" Niall said and I cut him off
"No Niall you don't get it. I am tired. Truly I am. I am tired of putting on a front with you-" I said and then Niall cut me off
"That's what I am saying. (your name) you have been and always will be -" Niall interrupts me and I then cut him off
"No you don't get it. Niall, I'm tired of stressing, crying and being confused when it comes to you. I am tired and so upset with myself now about how long it has taking me to see the truth.
And the truth is you can't trust me. You couldn't trust me with your heart. I have never lied to you, I never gave you a reason to not trust me." I said
"What are you talking about? I can trust you and I do trust you" Niall jumped in and said
"No you don't, the truth is you never did. Trust is about having faith in the one you love that can endure hard times, new beginnings, good days and bad times. I've been trying my best to prove to you over and over again how you can trust me and trust in the words I speak. But you are there testing me over and over again with the subtle follow ups on me, the constant in and out and the on and off again with us and blaming it all on your career or just anything else. You don't allow yourself to remain in this with me. So I am tired. I'm tired of hanging on and being so naive to realize this whole time you hold my hand over a cliff and any given second you are going to drop me. ....... Niall.... I'm still in love with you and since we are not together anymore it hurts me that I can only love you right now just only as a friend. I don't know another way to love you and I don't know if I'll ever be in a place to get there-" I said releasing everything off of my chest until Niall cut me off.
"Us not being in each other's lives is not something that's up for negotiation. I don't want that, I really want you in my life" Niall said adamantly
"I can't be in your life like this" I confessed
"You're right. And I take 100 percent accountability for the things I've done, I am sorry for hurting you, I am sorry for everything I've put us through. I know I don't deserve you. I don't deserve your unconditional love but I fucking need you. I don't care what it takes. Whatever I need to do, I'll do it" Niall said pleading with me
"I think we really need to give each other -" I said until he cut me off
"Don't say that we need space, we need to figure it out together." Niall said
"Oh my God Niall we are NOT together." I said frustrated
"SO WHAT....I mean .... so what...... I've realized now that we're not good at being apart and we are not meant to" Niall said loosing his cool at first and then calming down
"No it's you. You still act like we are together. I am not. I'm trying to live up to that promise that I'll always be there for you but I openly telling I can't keep that promise anymore—" I said
"And it's because you love me. You said so yourself.... I am in love with you. What you don't get still is how much I love you. I love you so much that I want you to have it all. I hate sometimes my love for music. It's hard to feel like I can't be the man you deserve. Someone always there, building a life together, coming home every night to each other. Getting married, starting a family. All of those things I do eventually want to have all of that but just not now. And I don't want to hold you back from wanting that when you do because you deserve it so much...........that's why I push you away sometimes.....I don't want to be unfair to you....but yet I've kept hurting you and I never meant to hurt you.-" Niall admits
"Everything you said makes sense. I just wish you understood that I would never ask you to choose between me and music. And I never did ask you, Music is who you are. I believe in you so much. The music in you is something that I love so much about you.......but what makes me sick is you thinking for me. You can't think for me and you can't tell me how to feel. The second that you did that is the moment that our relationship was doomed. " I explained
"You truly don't know until you know to say that. I've been on my his path longer than we have been together. I've been in enough relationships and situations to learn from experience that those things matter." Niall defends
"No you are suppose to know and trust the one you love Niall. Why and how could it have been so far fetched to see you have someone that actually fitted and wanted the same things for you and with you....... it's because you never trusted me. No matter what
I said or did was never enough & it will never be enough for you. " I said
"You're right it's not enough, but one thing I know is I don't want anyone else but you. One thing I know is that it's never too late to start again, we can take a chance on us . I know that we can and we can make it."Niall said convincingly
"How you be sure? What has changed?"I asked
" I have changed" He said
"This runs deeper than just me and you-" I said until He cut me off
"I know that but it starts with us. I can't get to anyone else without your help. I can't do this alone. I can't do this alone." Niall said
I couldn't fix myself to say anything more. I don't know what more to say. We were looking at each other through the phone in silence.
"We are a little broken-" I started to say
"I prefer the term separated. Broken had no hope, separated has hope to reattach back together again. See there's a difference" Niall explains
"All I can say right now is.... let's take it slow and one day at a time" I said
"Ok"
The next day even though we stayed up all night having that conversation I eventually went to sleep. But when I woke up I felt different. I'm not sure what this feeling is but I feel scared to do this with Niall. But I love him & as much as my brain is telling me to let it go, my heart and my gut is telling me to see this through.
"Hey"
I didn't realize I was gazing off in the kitchen to notice he had came in
"Hey, what are you doing here? I thought you were in London" I said
"I was in London. Now I am here with you. I left as soon as we hung up" Niall said
"You came here for me?" I asked
"Yes!," Niall said putting his hands around my waist drawing me close to him
"I love you" I said gazing into his eyes
"I love you too" Niall said just before placing a sweet kiss on me.