Twisted Moon - Book 3 of the Black Moon series - Chapter 78: Guilt
(Noah's POV - Sat. 25 July 2015)
"We're here, Noah," Camden whispers softly as he grabs my hand again. My eyes have been staring in emptiness in front of me during the whole ride back from the hospital but when they adjust and focus on my surroundings, I recognize the long garage door of Camden's house. He has been holding my hand throughout the entire drive, only letting go of it when he needed to turn, and I just let him.
My emotions toward him are so confusing and contradictory at the moment. Most of the time, I feel like I don't deserve all his gentleness and affection. He should hate me. He should reject me. He should dump me somewhere I wouldn't be able to find him again and make sure to keep away from me. For fuck's sake, he got wounded by my fault! How can he still show me so much affection after what happened to him? And yet, he does show me affection and I can hardly accept it; but only hardly; because this is where my contradictory conscience interferes.
I need him.
My feelings for him haven't lessened in the last three weeks. If anything, they have only increased. I still need him like I need air to breathe, and for now, these little gestures somewhat soothe the pain enhanced by guilt in my head. So, I just let him, taking only the minimum I need to survive sanely enough and knowing I should wean myself off him. Because the day he faces reality and understands I am to blame, he will certainly decide to kick me out once and for all. When that happens, I had better come prepared for the fall because it will hurt really badly, so this is what I have been doing this week already, trying to take a bit of distance from him.
"Noah, let's go home," Camden says on my right side.
I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't even register he had gotten out of the car to open my door. Shaking my head, I follow him inside the house where an overexcited Jess rushes to us, or more precisely to me. Seeing how happy he seems to be at my return sends another jolt of guilt to my chest, enticing more pain in my head. I can't believe I barely had a thought for him in my absence... What kind of a master am I? A horrible one for sure and I surprise myself thinking that should Camden dump me at some point, I sincerely hope he will keep Jess. My poor puppy would be much better off with him.
"Go and rest for a while on the couch, Noah; unless you prefer going upstairs?" Camden asks, his hand caressing the back of my head. Jess, that I am carrying in my arms, starts licking his forearm as a greeting sign.
"I'll stay here..." I reply without emotion before I turn around and go to lie on the couch with Jess. It feels weird to be here again when I think I was sitting at this exact same place before the drama started. While Camden apparently takes care of some chores that include a bit of cleaning and mostly some laundry, I simply stay there, absent-mindedly petting the little black and white cocker spaniel. He cuddles tightly against my chest, nesting his nose in the crook of my neck and whimpering lightly. I really wonder what I did to deserve so much attention and his show of affection only heightens my guilt.
GUILT.
Guilt is a terrible emotion. This is what you feel together with sadness when you realize you have done something wrong or caused harm to someone else. This is something vicious that gnaws at your mind and prevents you from moving on. I have been oppressed by guilt all my life, it seems; or almost. It started after Lea's death when I was three and when my parents decided to put all the blame on me. They never stopped doing that, and as a child, I was quite naïve enough to believe them and let them drill the accusation into my mind. I could trust them to remind me of it on a regular basis so that I wouldn't forget, and it took Camden quite a bit of convincing to make me see the truth a few months ago and accept that my twin sister's death wasn't my fault.
Without the weight of guilt on my mind anymore, I felt much better and started to live again. Those few months were just the best of my life, but unfortunately, that feeling of culpability is back again and this time, no one had to bore it into my brain; the perks of being an adult with a mature conscience. Nobody needs to tell me how I should feel after what happened. Nobody needs to prove me how this was my fault and that I can only blame myself. I am smart enough to understand I am to blame for all that happened; or almost all. I definitely blame my parents for selling me to that prick of Andrei; there is no denying that.
However, Camden being injured and Jeremy still being within the hands of this psycho can be blamed on me. I am such a magnet for problems and all the thoughts that pass through my head at the moment only converge in that sense. I have mostly been a source of worry for Camden ever since he picked me up from the streets. I am aware that I haven't been only that, as I believe I have also been a source of... relief and pleasure somehow, but I can't deny that I mostly caused him a lot of troubles. He has spent large amounts of money for me; money that he could have used differently. I know I have also been a pain in his neck with all my mood shifts, tormenting him with my urges and not always being the perfect Sub he would deserve. And I am not mentioning all the stress I must have caused during my two-week absence.
I mean, I am not entirely silly and despite my stupid doubts when Andrei mentioned Chris becoming Camden's new Sub, I am conscious of his feelings for me. Nonetheless, I am not certain I deserve it. After all, I didn't even return his confession that Saturday night at the club. And if I hadn't been so stupid with my insecurities, if I had told him how much I love him, I would have spared us some serious troubles because I wouldn't have felt the need to see him so badly on the Monday. I wouldn't have been kidnapped, which logically leads to the fact that Camden wouldn't have been shot while trying to save me. For crying out loud, he could have been killed! How would I have been able to live with that?
"Hey... Noah, come here..." Camden exclaims warily as he puts Jess on the floor and grabs my arms to pull me up and into a hug. I am not crying, not even sobbing, but I hadn't realized that tears had escaped my eyes. "I've got you... everything will be alright, Noah..." He keeps repeating the same reassuring words that unfortunately only make things worse in my head. I wish his embrace grew tighter in my back to enhance a bit of pain from the whipping but he sadly withholds his strength and maintains it to light brushes. "Let's get you upstairs. I ran a bath to help you relax," he then says after a while.
He takes my hand and leads me up the staircase and to his bathroom where he turns off the tap. Motionless, I watch him pull up his tee-shirt, allowing me to rediscover his body with the beautiful wings tattoo that spreads across his chest; but what I mostly pay attention to is the bruise far enough above his heart with a little hole in the middle. I bite the insides of my cheeks to force back the tears while he gets rid of his remaining clothes.
"It doesn't even hurt me anymore, Noah..." Camden says when he notices my gaze on his chest, and then moves closer to cup my face. His intense grey eyes lock onto my lips for a long moment before he leans down to brush them with his. The contact burns me from the inside and I can't even reciprocate the gentle movement of his lips, which is probably why his tongue doesn't beg for entrance. "Let me help you," he then says, hesitantly pulling on the hem of my tee-shirt. In the end, I just let my body follow his moves as he undresses me and soon enough, I find myself seated between his legs in the bathtub with my back against his chest.
For a long moment, Camden just holds me in his arms, silently, and I manage to relax a bit indeed. I am still feeling exhausted despite all the sleep I got at the hospital, and still again this morning while we were waiting for some more results that only came up in the middle of the afternoon. This has been one of the most boring weeks in my life, I think, and the more I slept, the more tired I was.
The worst moments were when Camden had to leave hospital to go to work for a few hours. Even if I was always asleep when he left, his absence never missed to wake me up and I would then feel horrible not having him beside me. This is in complete opposition to my general behavior this week when I strived to avoid looking at him or speaking to him, but I really did miss him when he was not there. As much as I couldn't bear looking into his eyes, feeling his presence in the room sufficed to calm me down. Exactly like now; I don't want to face him, but feeling him behind me is what allows me to let go of the tension and even sink into drowsiness.
However, Camden doesn't let me doze off completely as he decides to clean us both before we get out of the tub. I honestly wish I could go straight to bed, but the man sees things differently and forces me to go back down for a quiet dinner and a not-less quiet little walk in the park behind the house with Jess. When we get back home, it is barely half past eight but I can't suppress a long yawn.
"Go to sleep, Noah. I just need to stop by Silvo and Maria to thank them for having taken care of the house and Jess this week, then I'll just close down everything here," Camden briefly says before he drops a kiss on my forehead and leaves.
He didn't say if he was going to join me right away and as I reach the first floor, my eyes automatically drift toward the door of my old bedroom. Leaning against the opposite wall of the corridor, I stupidly contemplate it for endless minutes, getting lost in my thoughts again and they are not the most positive ones. Of course, we shared a bath in his bathroom, but does he really want me to sleep in his bed? When I think about it, I had a very large bed in hospital and never did he come to lie down beside me. He spent all his nights in the reclining armchair, which can't have been very comfortable. That also explains why he looks so tired at the moment.
"What are you doing?" Camden whispers, suddenly by my side and frowning at me.
He stops in front of me, folding his arms across his chest and obviously waiting for an answer. I definitely can't tell him about my previous thoughts and, facing my silence, he just invites me to move with a sign of the head toward his bedroom. That somehow triggers something in me and I immediately comply, hurrying to the walk-in closet to strip to my boxer briefs before I stop by the bathroom for my evening routine. Camden takes care of my small injuries in the meantime, though there is nothing much left to do, and he mostly rubs some ointment in my back before I put on a tee-shirt.
By the time I finish brushing my teeth, Camden is already lying on his back with one hand tuck beneath his head and the other typing on his phone. I realize that I don't even have mine anymore but I definitely won't claim for a new one. Anyway, I walk around the bed to lie down on my side and face away from Camden. The bedroom is warm enough and he hasn't turned on the AC so he is just in his boxer briefs. It was already hard enough to see his very appealing chest and arms that are calling comfort and safety, I don't need to face him to get more temptation, so I lay on my left side and close my eyes. There is a loud sigh and the noise of a phone being dropped on the bedside table, and the mattress then dips beside me.
"Noah." It is not a calling Noah with a question mark. It is not a sign of exasperation or anger with an exclamation mark either. No, it is just a statement. "Turn around please," Camden then says, and here I can sense the command in his tone. "Haven't you forgotten something?" he asks almost smugly and I get the message.
"Good night, Camden..." I whisper as I lean over to kiss his lips and he grabs the back of my neck when I am about to pull away.
"It feels good to have you back here..." he says with such intensity in his eyes that I can only look down.
"For me too..." I reply meekly before I resume my previous position. There is more sighing behind me, but the light goes off and I am finally able to close my eyes. Between the remnants of my exhaustion and the awareness of his body behind me, I easily drift to sleep, trying to force all my worries out of my mind.
His hands are firm on my body and I am so weak that I cannot fight against him. He roughly drags me to the torture room and brutally throws me across the bench. By some sort of miracle, I have barely touched the leather of the bench that I am already all tied up in the restraints, unable to move. Andrei is guffawing behind me, throwing out some of the worst insults and calling me his slut as his large paws knead my buttocks.
However, the script suddenly changes and I am teleported outside of the tied body and pinned against the opposite wall, facing a gagged Jeremy. Andrei's lustful and sadistic eyes glow as he smirks at me and I then notice that he is fully naked. I scream as he thrusts forward and slams inside the poor boy.
"Noah!!! Noah!!!!"
Camden!! What is he doing here?
He shouldn't be there. No!!! I have to tell him that he must leave!! I don't want him to risk his life another time for me. I wouldn't be able to live with that! And at the same time, I want to help Jeremy... The choice is so hard!
"Noah!! Wake up, boy..." Camden says again, finally pulling me out of the nightmare and providing me with part of the reassurance I need. I know that Jeremy is still not safe, but Camden is, so this is some sort of relief. "Shhhh it's okay, Noah, you're safe..." he keeps whispering as he hugs me close against him, so tightly that I can't really escape from his hold, but for once, I don't really want to.
I need to feel his embrace and to breathe in his scent to calm me down right now, so I even cling to him while I try to push my anxiety away. I have had this same nightmare for the past five nights. I wish my stupid brain would get tired of it and find something else to feed my dreams, but it seems like it's lacking any originality. After a while, I manage to somewhat relax and fall back asleep, but it just keeps enhancing more guilt within me for not having saved Jeremy.
The same goes similarly throughout all the following week. If I thought that the days I spent in hospital were boring, it sadly doesn't get any better at home. Camden has a job and patients to tend to so he decides to go for a light schedule with appointments from 7:30 am until 1:30 pm. Since I sleep at least until eleven in the morning, I don't feel too much alone. Obviously, I am not completely alone anyway.
There is always one of Tony's guys who constantly watches over me because they are afraid Andrei might come back to get me and they don't want me to stay unprotected. I actually wish that fucker would come back. This time I would be prepared and make sure he doesn't pull through. I would be ready for a sweet revenge and make sure he pays the hard price for everything he did. But that certainly won't happen since from what I understood the guy has completely vanished, so I wonder why they are so persistent with having me watched.
Anyway, my days don't look much better than at hospital if for the fact that I have more space, but I don't even use it that much. I spend the better of my time lying on the bed or on the couch downstairs even when Camden is at home. I am trying to keep the promise I made to the doctor to eat more, but I really have a difficulty with that and I can tell that this is wearing a toll on Camden, though this might not be the only reason. Whatever it is that annoys him – and I won't even try to dig into the subject – I can see him getting tenser and tenser as the days go by. More and more sighs of exasperation. Less words spoken. Less physical contact. And his eyes always being dark. I feel myself sinking into a spiral of gloom and it mostly results in the fact that I isolate myself more and more for fear of upsetting him further.
On Wednesday early evening, as I am once again lying on the bed, I suddenly hear some ruffle coming from downstairs. Shit! He seems to have visitors and that makes me nervous. I wouldn't blame him for wanting to see people. After all, I am not of the greatest company at the moment, but I don't want to see anyone. I am not ready to face people that I have hurt. Hopeless wish, though. I soon hear discreet footsteps in the corridor, a light knock on the door before it opens, making me instantly close my eyes, and I sense the mattress dip behind me. A warm hand softly caresses my face before someone completely lies down and snuggles against me.
"I miss you so much, Peanut..."
Liam.
Him of all people.
If there is one important person I don't want to see at the moment, that would be Liam. The one guy who has been one of my best supports since I became a member of the Black Diamond and got to make new friends. The one friend with whom I spent so much time before the drama. One of Jeremy's best friends and consequently, someone who I horribly failed when I let Andrei flee with Jeremy. I know that he – as well as Shannon and Alex – has tried to call this week several times but I just didn't answer the calls when Camden was absent or faked sleeping each time I heard the phone ring when he was around. Tears pool behind my eyelids and I pray I will be able to hold them back, but Liam wrapping an arm around my waist and nesting his face in my neck doesn't help.
"We all miss you so much, Peanut... I don't know if you're really sleeping and if you'll hear me, but I need to say it anyway... I can't begin to imagine how you feel after what you have been through, but we are all here to help you. You have Camden, but you also have us all. I can understand... that you're not in a mood to see us, but... we are your friends and friends can help... Shan and Alex are missing you so much too... Please just let us in... We need you back to your old self and... I know it might take time for you to recover, but we will be there all the way... We love you, little bro... and we really miss you... Please don't shut us out..."
Liam's whispered words only add to my embarrassment and pain. My guilt. It is so hard to resist and to keep those stinging tears behind my eyelids. I am glad to feel him pull away after a few minutes of silence. I don't think I will be able to hold on for much longer.
"Please just call me when you're ready, Peanut..." he then says in my ear, giving me a last hug and dropping a kiss on my temple. "Just remember that I love you..."
With that, he scoots off the bed and leaves the bedroom. When I hear his footsteps in the staircase, I shift to lie on my stomach and bury my face in my pillow to cry my soul out. The guilt that has been gnawing at me suddenly strikes back tenfold and I burst into tears. How could I let him say such things to me? Liam should be hating me for what I did; for not trying harder to save his friend. And what do I get in return? Love, attention, affection and certainly one of the deepest friendship I could ever dream of.
I do not deserve this. Hearing those words has filled my head with such pain that I could simply rush to the bathroom and search for a razor blade or something that will cut some relief into my skin. If it weren't for Camden, I would do it. If it weren't for the fact that I don't want to upset him any further, I would do it. With my fingers clawed over Lea's ice bear beneath my pillow, I manage to repress the urge, but it definitely remains on the surface and I have no idea of how much longer I will be able to hold on.
The other visit that triggers something deep within me occurs on Sunday late morning. Saturday was as gloomy as the rest of the week, with me vegetating in the bedroom or in the living room while Camden was taking care of me and the household as usual. Since Liam's visit, I have paid more attention to Camden's phone conversations in case he mentions someone visiting so that I can go and hide upstairs if necessary. But this one is unexpected, even to Camden it seems, and unfortunately, I am sitting on the couch in the living room and staring at the television when Aaron suddenly walks in on this late Sunday morning.
The guy just barely knocked on the door and just popped in, surprising Camden as well while he was cooking our lunch. Aaron being Aaron, he just shows up with his warmth and his overwhelming self, pulling me to my feet for one of those big hugs before he goes to sit down in an armchair. I try to tune them out while they talk and I am actually just about to pretend I am tired to retire upstairs when Aaron's tone suddenly changes and his words catch my attention.
"Cam, would you mind leaving us alone for a moment?" Aaron says in a tone that doesn't sound like a question but more like a command. "I'd like to speak with Noah one on one."
"Ron, just leave him alone," Camden replies protectively.
"I'm going to say what I have to say, whether you're here or not, Cam, but I doubt you want to hear this story again..." Aaron warns him and I see Camden blanch like I never saw him when he obviously understands what his friend means.
"Are you crazy? Don't you dare telling him about that!" Camden growls.
"Cam, I'm just going to mention stuff, not details! I'm not stupid!"
"Noah, go upstairs for a minute while I talk some sense into that dumbass!" Camden orders me, but Aaron points a finger in my direction.
"Noah you stay here while I talk some sense into this man!" Aaron says very commandingly and I just look at one after the other as if I was watching a table tennis game. "Cam, trust me with what I'm doing."
"No way, I don't want him to hear about that! I mean... are you getting nuts, Aaron? You can't tell him such things after what... happened recently! This is completely stupid!" Camden growls, almost jumping on his seat.
"Cam, I'll do it whether you want it or not because I'm convinced it could help. Now it's up to you if you want to stay and hear it again. Or you may leave."
"This is nonsense! How could it help him? And what about you?" Camden argues vehemently.
"Don't worry about me and trust me! Now please, get out!" Aaron growls irritatingly. Camden is fuming but after a minute of hesitation, he stands up, leans down to kiss the top of my head and walks out of the house with Jess. The door has barely closed that it reopens on a still furious Camden.
"I swear, Aaron... if you fuck this up, you'll hear from me!"
With that, he slams the door shut and I am left here with Aaron who is staring at me with very intense chocolate eyes. After a few seconds, he gets up and comes to sit down on the couch very close to where I am curled up, folding his right leg beneath him and facing me.
"Camden is right when he says I shouldn't tell you this story, but I think it might help you to understand some things and provide you with a few leads on how to move on. I am not pretending that this is the only solution but the purpose is really to show you that there are ways to get over horrible things..." Aaron says gently. "This obviously should remain between you and I... and Camden..."
I feel like running away and hide in my bedroom but weirdly enough, Aaron's proximity and his dominance trigger comforting feelings within me, so I just let him unfold his story. As he speaks and reveals what happened to the four friends almost thirteen years ago, I understand why he wanted Camden to leave. Aaron doesn't go into many details, thankfully, but what he recounts suffices to enhance a whole range of emotions within me, from anger to sadness, from pain to relief, from disgust to compassion.
So many feelings that manage to distract me from my own problems for a while even if the same themes of guilt, betrayal and self-hate are very present into Aaron's words. The emotion is clearly present in his eyes and I am awed at the courage he must have had to tell me all this. Aaron's story is just as beautiful as it is awful and it kind of overwhelms me.
"Noah... I would never dare comparing what you experienced with what happened thirteen years ago, but both experiences have one thing in common: they are traumatic. My point is to show you that you can more or less heal from such a situation. There will always be sequels. I'm not going to lie to you and say you will completely get over it or forget it. You won't. But you can learn to live with it. It is hard, I know that, but you can do it because I trust you to be stronger than that. You cannot let this bastard win and ruin your life. You'll have to fight, Noah, but for that, you need to stop clamming up. I don't want you to make the same mistakes I did and I won't let you. Camden won't let you either. There are many ways to get there, and I am not telling you to choose my path because I know we don't have the same temper. You will have to find your own way, depending on your needs."
Aaron pauses for a few minutes, as if to let his words sink into my head, but I think he also needs it to process with his own thoughts and I respect that. Words are blocked in my throat anyway and I wouldn't be able to utter a thing, even if I feel like I should tell him something or at least react to his confessions. I am feeling so bad for him; for Camden; for Joshua; for Mark. I am certain he didn't tell me the whole story and I am not sure I want to hear how things ended up back then, but I am grateful he trusts me with his own story.
"I understand you need more time, Noah, and I'm sure Cam understands too. But please try to think about all this. We don't want you to remain a veggie for the rest of your life. You need to find in you what hurts the most in what happened. You need to put words on things and emotions and express them. It could be a therapist and I know a very good one who helped quite a few Subs and Doms already. I swear Dr. Graff is really great. It could be Camden. It could be me and even Mark or Josh. It could be your friends. We are all waiting for you to accept our help and we will give it to you when you're ready. Just don't do what I did... Don't think you can deal with this on your own. Let people help you, buddy, because that's what a lover and friends are for."
By then, tears have flooded my face and Aaron just grabs me to pull me into a hug. And he never lets go of me. I wish things could be that simple. In a way, they are not that complicated. I know what is eating me. Of course, the experience of the sequestration and torture gnaw at me, but what really kills me deep down and fucks up with my twisted mind is the guilt I feel toward Camden, my friends and Jeremy. This is what my conscience cannot deal with.
I wish I could at least let Camden help me instead of shutting him out. I hate this silence between us but at the same time, these feelings of guilt make me feel so bad that I just don't know what to tell him. I am afraid that if I start spilling the beans, he will completely realize my responsibility in what happened to him and kick me out of his house. And as much as I hate myself for using him after what I caused, I just can't imagine living without him.
In the end, I feel like I am at the center of a vicious circle and however many times I turn around its inside circumference, I can't seem to find a way out of it. I need something that will break its wall because I am just tired of walking aimlessly inside this circle. I am just so exhausted with this guilt! And all the affection I get from everyone only makes things worse, adding more pain in my head. This pain is also killing me and I just don't know how long I will be able to resist getting some relief by yielding to my old urges.
Published on 2 October 2017
Sad chapter... but now you got to see what happens in Noah's head. Two weeks of withdrawal will be enough though and things are about to move on. Sorry for the tease (or not...) but Aaron's visit was necessary to make Noah understand that he needs to accept his friends' help. In the next chapter, something will trigger Camden to pull a small part of his inner Dom back and provoke a much necessary conversation with his boy. That won't solve all of Noah's guilt, but at least part of it.
So, updates are going to this week as I stated on my wall yesterday. Since you have been waiting long for this chapter, I decided to publish it today and the next one will come up on Friday. The other good news is that I have finished writing Jeremy's story. Like I said before, I will start publishing it in December and in the meantime, I can start working on Aaron's books this week! This is going to be a big job but I'm really eager to start writing this one.
In the meantime, have a great week and see you on Friday!