Chapter 47
Stepping foot in Becca’s office triggers memories of the anxiety attack or whatever it was. My eyes involuntarily move to the couch against the wall, where I’d been deposited before. It all makes sense now, all of those flashes of the room and things that confused me at the time. They had taken me straight here once I’d started flipping. Nice to know, I suppose.
“Ah Senna! It’s so good to see you!! Are you doing okay?!” Becca hurries towards me from around her desk. Her hands reach out as if to clasp mine and I quickly fold my arms behind my back, my eyes flashing. Eyes narrowing slightly, she stops short and turns her attention to Caden.
It seems like they’re having some sort of mental conversation with their eyes, so I leave them to it. Taking a seat in one of the chairs, I pull my knees up to my chest and rest my chin on them, staring out at the frames up on the wall behind Becca’s desk. Framed degrees, and family pictures. It all seems so strange to think that Becca does indeed have a life out of seeing me, here.
“Senna honey, Caden tells me that you lost your notebook and pen, is that true?” Coming out of my reverie, I look up at Becca as she passes by me to go and sit back behind her desk. I nod once she looks at me, and she sighs. “That’s unfortunate…” Trailing off, she bends over and rustles in one of her drawers for a few moments, soon after pulling out a fresh notebook for me.
I take it from her when she passes it to me, and tuck it against my chest along with the offered pen. Caden takes the seat next to me, leans forward with his elbows on his knees. The session hasn’t even started yet and he already looks interested.
“Senna, how are you doing?” Becca asks, and I roll my eyes. Pulling my notebook out I write something down.
‘Just fine after being under that…attack for however many days.’
I put as much spite in it as I dare and she just sighs. “Honey I’m sorry. We didn’t know you’d react like that. Well we knew that something would happen but that was far from what we thought. All of us tried to help you but we couldn’t do very much of anything. I think it was just something your body and mind had to work through on its own. Lord knows we tried so many different drugs…” Her voice trails off and my eyes turn to slits. Fuck drugs. I hate all of them.
“Senna…”
I turn my head to look at Caden, who’s practically staring me down. Raising my eyebrows in question, I wait for him to continue.
“Well… we’re going to need to try that again. To make sure it really… worked. So… you’re going to need to go outside again. I’m sorry but that’s just how it is. Right, Becca?” What, now they’re working together like partners? Since when have they been so… buddy buddy like this about my case?
Eyes still narrowed, I stare Becca down. She swallows visibly, and nods in affirmation.
Great. Just… great.
---
The glass is pressed against my nose, as I stare out towards the outside world. Nothing seems to have changed from the last time I was in this spot, looking through this same door. Even though it seems like it has been forever since I first went out.
Without waiting for any of them to say something, I square my shoulders, gather up as much courage as I possibly can even though I’m literally shaking from fear… and open the door.
The cold hits me first, just like last time. Even so, I step out into the open and stand completely still for a few seconds, taking everything in. The amazement of the first time has worn off some, so it isn’t as much of a sensory overload.
My blood still starts to pound throughout my veins, however, and I take a few breaths to steady myself. Instead of just rushing, like I was last time, I gradually turn in circles. Eyes closed. Listening now, and feeling the wind against my skin. I wait a few moments and then turn a few more times with my eyes open.
This slower, gentler approach seems to work a lot better than what happened last time. I don’t panic. My brain doesn’t go on the fritz. No, instead the reactions are much subtler and less… hectic. Blood pressure rising, slight dizziness and blurriness of my eyes, small shakes…
Before it all does become too much, I go back inside and totally ignore the doctors and patients standing there just staring. I don’t stop to wonder why they’re even there in the first place, already knowing it’s because one of the other doctors planned a group session.
Going up the stairs and to my level, I lock myself in my room for the rest of the day, ignoring everyone who tries to come to my door, whether it’s Caden, Becca or even Griffin. I just need to be alone for the time being, alone with my thoughts.
I honestly can’t believe myself.
***
It takes me a few hours to get out of my room and go down to eat. From breakfast time to dinner is how long I spend in my room. Eventually everyone had stopped trying to summon me, which was good.
Caden nearly tackles me when I get to the cafeteria, and I spin out of the way just in time, nearly slipping and falling on my ass.
“SENNA! You went outside! I can’t believe it! Oh my god! Are you okay? Sorry about that. Did you like it?! Did anything happen?! Why did you lock yourself in your room? I wanted to talk to you! You didn’t freak out! I’M SO HAPPY!!!” He exclaims, getting louder with each rushed sentence, until he’s nearly shouting. I just stand and stare at him, clutching my notebook and pen to my chest, nails digging into the cover.
Stepping past him, I sit down at our table and wait for him to join me. Only when he does do I start to write things down, and relate what happened to me while I was out there. I’m not sure why they didn’t follow me outside when I did it, but I guess it was for the best. I don’t think I could’ve been able to handle a visible audience.
When Caden is done reading my words, he just grins stupidly at me.
‘What…?’ I write down, staring at him.
“One fear down, and countless others to go. I can’t wait!”
***
Hope you liked it!
An update on my Birthday, you guys are just so lucky.
Hope you’re having a good day.
Read and review and the like.
- Lexi