"Grub's up!"
Fred walks into the room with another plate of steaming hot soup and sets it down next to all the other uneaten bowls of food. He manages to avoid my eyes yet again as he leaves again without another word. This is what my life has come to. I'm a prisoner to the man I'm in love with and he won't even come see me let alone speak to me. If there was ever a punishment suited to my crimes, this would be it. It only makes sense when I consider all the mistakes I've made.
With all the spare time I have, it's all I can do. It's become a funny game actually. Think of a memory, find the mistake, realise how much I messed up. There's not a single moment that I can think of where I haven't personally caused pain. Who knew I would become the monster I thought I was as child?
Slowly, I push the bowl away from me. It wobbles slightly before tipping all over me. Swearing, I try to grab a couple of napkins, but the chains prevent me from moving too far and I just end up spilling the other bowls of food, making more of a mess.
I can't even refuse to eat properly.
Grabbing the closest bowl, all the anger and frustration built up from the past few months surfaces. My eyes glaze over as I consider letting this emotion bring out my fire demon.
No.
Those days are over. Anger, hatred, desperation, they are never the answer. That being said, I don't really think I'll be able to get through this without dealing my feelings.
SMASH
I exhale slowly as I regard the remnants of the bowl on the floor. Shrugging, I take another one and throw it on the ground. It feels so good to finally get out all my pent up emotions because Merlin knows there's no one here who wants to listen to me.
SMASH
That one is for you, father. No matter what, I can't help but feel abandoned by you. Not only did you leave me too soon, but you also left me with the man who single handedly has been trying to destroy me. How could you do that to your baby girl? How could you just leave me? Family is supposed to stick together. They're supposed to forgive each other and never give up, even when every sane part of them is telling them to. Yet, you did both.
SMASH
Snape. I can't even think your name without feeling sick. You loved me like a daughter. You raised me like one. My father failed me, but never did I ever consider you would too. We were supposed to have each other's backs. We had a mutual understanding. How could you just turn your back on me? How could you just let me turn mine?
SMASH
Malfoy.
SMASH
The slimy, back-stabbing, no-good, pathetic fuc-
SMASH
George.
SMASH
I pause for a second as I look at the last remaining glass I have in my hands. George. I broke you. I don't deserve to be angry at you. You're just reacting to everything I did. But yet, I still can't help but feel frustrated. How could you just give up on me? Everyone else, I can understand, but you were supposed to be different. You taught me that there could be a different.
Tossing the glass to my other hand, I place it gently down on the side.
But then I see a flash of red hair in the corner of my eyes and suddenly I can't help myself. Whipping around, I grab the glass and throw it against the intruder, knowing that my bad aim would mean no real harm will happen.
"Woah woah woah," Fred says walking in, as I mentally add him to my list. As much as I'm annoyed with the interruption, my anger is misplaced. I wish it was his brother walking in to check on me instead of him.
He takes a second to survey the situation before taking a seat on the far end.
"Reparo," he says calmly as the fragments come together to resemble a bowl again.
"What are you doing?" I demand, my irritation leaking into my voice. He ignores my question as he does the same with the glass.
"Go on, smash it again," Fred says ignoring me. "I'm being serious Lily, just do it."
Wrinkling my nose, I lean over and pick up the newly fixed bowl. Using all my force, I throw it at the floor again. Glancing up at Fred, he just smiles at me as he repairs the bowl again. This weird form of therapy continues for at least another half an hour where I break all the dishes and Fred repairs them for me. My list continues and soon I find that I'm adding pretty much anyone I've met to it. Dumbledore, Malfoy, Greyback, Mrs Weasley for trusting me again, Ginny for allowing me to fall for her brother again, Potter for being the stupid Chosen One.
But most of all, I'm angry with myself. This is my fault. George is broken because of me. I tried to protect him and now he's broken. If only I could go back and change everything.
Would you actually change anything?
The scary answer is that I don't know. A part of me prefers the fact that George knows everything. There's nothing to hide anymore. No more lying. I just hate that it's come at the cost of my best friend.
"I can't d-" I say pausing for a second, playing with the plate in my hands. Fred glances at me with his eyebrows raised as if he's waiting for me to continue. Funny, he wasn't so willing to listen to me for the past couple of days. Whatever has changed, I'm grateful. I'd much rather have Fred as a mediator than an enemy like last year.
"Is he okay?"
"He's o-"
"Don't lie to me, please." My voice is barely audible as I blink away the tears in my eyes. For Merlin's sake, be strong Lily.
"He's going to be okay," Fred says sighing as he leans forward. "It was really hard for him to understand everything that happened, how you... you know," Fred gestures as he leaves the rest unspoken.
"Yeah," I say miserably as I slam another plate against the floor. The sound no longer gives me any satisfaction, but I pick up the next dish anyways. Everything is broken. Except unlike this stupid plate, there is no quick spell to fix it.
"Why aren't you angry with me then?" I ask as Fred repairs the latest victim.
"I was for a while," he admits as he stands up. "But then I thought about it. I mean everything made more sense. Why you left him that summer, why you kept your distance, it all sort of fell into place." Fred takes another step towards me tentatively as if he's scared I'm going to throw something at him.
"So I took a second to think about who you are, who do I know you to be and it suddenly didn't seem so black and white," he continues with a glance behind him as if he expects George to come bursting in any second.
"I remembered how upset you were about Snape, how you felt like he betrayed you," Fred says softly as I take an involuntary gasp at his name. "You cared about and respected Dumbledore just as much as all of us."
"He told me about my father," I say in a low voice, feeling the need to explain myself, as Fred just gives me a calculating look.
"I don't know what your motives are to choose You-Know-Who, but it would be stupid to think that you were pretending the whole time. No one can do that. And when Geo- I mean when he told me about what happened, it sounded a lot like you were trying to protect him. So you're good in my books," Fred says as he closes the gap between us and presses another glass in my hand.
"Smash away," he grins toothily as I stare up at him wordlessly. How can Fred understand everything so perfectly, but then George decide I'm not worth even speaking to? My hands tremble as I close my fingers around it, the anger dissipating completely and being replaced with emptiness.
"Ahem."
Both Fred and I jump as George clears his throat with a stony look on his face. My cheeks immediately redden and I go to move away. But Fred smiles at me as he puts an arm around my shoulder. If looks could kill, George would have obliterated his brother by now and probably destroyed him in the After-Life too.
"Brother, so nice of you to join us," Fred says as he gives my shoulders a quick squeeze. My mind races as I think of the ways I can get out of this. I mean I can't run away so I have to be more creative with my escape plans. I could throw the glass at Fred's head. I could pretend to faint. I could scream. I could actually faint.
But before I can do any of that, George takes one more look at both of us and leaves the room. Fred immediately lets go of me and steps away with a cautious look on his face.
"Do you trust me?" he asks in a low voice. Too stunned to speak, I just nod slowly as he grins at me. "Good. Laugh," Fred demands almost inaudibly. I widen my eyes at him truly considering the possibility that I have gone insane.
"Laugh like I've said something really funny," Fred whispers, glancing behind him once again.
The laugh sounds more like a bark, or the sound Crookshanks makes when Tonks accidentally steps on his tail. Fred gestures for me to keep going causing me to consider the real possibility that he's gone insane. The low almost animalistic growl that echoes in the room makes my heart stop as suddenly the pieces fall into place.
"Get. Out."
George's tone is filled with anger and he's practically shaking, making me shut up immediately. Fred smiles to himself before turning to face his brother.
"You know the deal, we're no-" Fred says but George doesn't wait for his brother to finish as he grabs him by the collar and practically throws him out. If I was terrified of this new George before, there are no words to describe how long the seconds felt as he turned to face me again. The nausea increases when his eyes snap to my own.
Do you trust me?
Oh Fred, what dangerous game are you playing?
"We w- he wa-" I try to say but my voice is raspy as if I haven't spoken in days. George glares at me murderously as he sit in Fred's vacant chair. I try and figure out a way to explain Fred's actions - I mean just because he decided he wanted to play Cupid, doesn't mean I asked him to!
"Don't talk," George mutters as he buries his face in his hands. Questions fly through my head but against my better judgement, I sit quietly waiting for George to speak again. His constant mood swings remind me so much of last Christmas at the Burrow. He hated me at the start, but then eventually we got through it. We always get through it. I have to believe that we can do that now, no matter how broken everything may be.
"Okay, I'm going to give you one shot," George says gravely as he lifts his head and presses his fingers against his chin. "Explain yourself," he states plainly.
My eyes widen at his request as I take a deep shaky breath. I intertwine my fingers together to hide the fact that they won't stop shaking. The pressure to be perfect is almost too much for me to bear. I need to convince George that I have a legitiment reason for all of this.
"Dumbledore told me I had to become a Dea- I had to do this in order to survive. I had no choice in the matter. Finding the diamond is more important than anything and I thought since I was erasing my memories, it would be easier to just slip away," my voice comes out surprisingly strong as George's eyebrows burrow. "I didn't mean to hur-"
"You still haven't explained yourself," George snaps interrupting me. Stunned at his attitude, my mouth goes dry and I scramble to think of how else I could possibly explain my actions.
"I needed to make sure the Dark Lo- I mean You-Know-Who didn't figure out that I was af-" I ramble, my initial false confidence evaporating.
"Again, you're not explaining yourself," George's voice rises as he stands up, practically shaking in anger.
"I don't underst-"
"You lied to me. Again. Explain yourself." George spits out as he clenches his fists tightly. My mouth forms a perfect O as I digest this new revelation. All this time, I thought he was angry at me for being a Death Eater.
"After everything we've been through, you still chose to lie to me. I mean I get it, you had to protect yourself. And I'm sure Dumbledore did tell you t-"
"He did," I insist, but the look George gives me prevents me from interrupting him again.
"It sounds like the twisted type of plan only he'd come up with," George continues as he walks towards me. My heart hammers against my ribcage as I use every inch of my willpower to remain firmly rooted and not cower away like I want to.
"But then you shared your story with me. You told me about your past. You told me about your father. You told me everything, or so I thought," George scoffs as he glares at me. "So tell me Lily Fowler, why did you lie to me again?" George says his voice dropping so that its dangerously low.
I wince at the way he says my name, as if it's some sort of poison. It sounds about right, of course I'd be poisonous and destroy everything in my life. I am Lily Fowler after all.
No. Don't think like that. You have to have hope.
I hold George's glare, willing it to soften but he remains stony faced. I rack my brain for a suitable answer but truth be told, I never considered the fact that George would be upset about the fact that I lied. I thought the fact that I'm a Death Eater would cause more concern. This puts a whole new meaning to his question the other day. It feels like there is a heavy weight on my chest, suffocating me slowly and painfully.
Why did you betray me?
Tears sting in my eyes as I turn away from him. He scoffs as if he expected nothing less and I feel his presence move away. For some reason, his actions make me angry. He's the one holding me prisoner. I've been tortured for the past Merlin knows how long, I've found out the most harrowing fact about my guardian and now George won't even give me a second to just process it all.
"Don't, please don't leave again," I mumble as I try to hold back the sobs.
"Then explain yourself," George says angrily as he slams his fist against the table.
"I WAS ASHAMED!" I yell back as tears stream down my cheeks. "I was ashamed," I say in a quieter voice as a sob escapes my body. My vision blurs with all the tears and I have to take a couple of deep breaths to calm myself down.
"Ashamed?" George asks, his tone softer as I finally get a glimpse of the man I love.
"I was weak. I should have fought Dumbledore. I should have never agreed to any of this, to becoming a Death Eater, to erasing my memories, to letting go of you," I choke out as I wipe away my tears. It's no use though, they're quickly replaced with a fresh batch.
George purses his lips together and doesn't say a word to my outburst.
"I couldn't tell you okay? I just didn't want you to look at me differently," I say when I manage to control the sobs. Sniffing, I wipe my nose with my arm, not caring how gross it may look. How can two people who love each other so much end up hurting each other? That is if he still loves me. After all this, I wouldn't be surprised if he decided I wasn't worth it. As strange as it is, the thought provides me with some comfort. If George doesn't love me then it means he'll eventually get over me and can just move on.
That's okay.
It has to be.
"I'm sorry alright. I'm sorry for being selfish. I guess it's just who I am," I conclude as I sit back on the bed. The true weight of everything becomes too much for me to bear as my heart jumps to my throat.
"Don't," George says sharply. "You're not selfish. You're the most selfless person I know. It's actually one of the more frustrating things about you," he says as he walks towards me and crouches in front of me.
Exhaling, I tilt my head back.
"It's also one of your best qualities," George whispers as he places his hand over my own. My eyes snap to his and for a second it feels like we're back to normal. But that moment quickly vanishes as George removes his hand away from my own.
"I can't promise you I won't be angry," George admits. "But I'm willing to put all this aside for you," he continues causing my heart to stop for a second. "You know so that we can find that stupid diamond."
It feels like I've just been punched in the gut as I nod numbly.
How could I let myself believe that George would want anything different? He's made it clear that we're no longer on the same page. He doesn't have the energy for me anymore, I can't force him to love me.
"Fred, it's okay, you can stop hiding now," George says in a slightly louder voice as a sheepish-looking Fred peers around the corner.
"Look, I just needed you guys to talk you kno-" Fred says as he ruffles the back of his head absentmindedly.
"Brother, it's fine. We're okay," George says as he gestures for Fred to take the seat opposite him. "We're going to work together to find the diamond."
"Oh," Fred glances at me, but I avoid his eyes as I focus on preventing myself from having yet another meltdown. The guy I'm in love with has just declared that he doesn't care for me. The only reason he wants to talk and fix things is to finish the mission. That's all I am to him now.
A loose end.
"Right," Fred says, as his eyebrows shoot up. If he had any commentary for this decision, he kept it to himself for which I am extremely grateful for. It's humiliating enough to have George reduce me to just some mission, I don't think I could bear it if Fred added his opinions too.
"So let's come up with a plan," George says as he leans back against a pole. His lips keep moving, but it's like I've gone temporarily deaf. Pressure builds up in my ears. How could I have managed to burn down all my bridges?
No matter who you are to me, you should know I'll always have your back.
He was lying. He doesn't really have my back. If he did then he would try to understand. He wouldn't jump to conclusions.My heart rate rises as my fingertips suddenly become very numb.
How can George just push everything aside and focus on the mission? I can't even remember what it is, I can barely remember the leads I have, none of that matters. All that matters is that this man doesn't even believe I'm worth the trouble. He's given up on me. I've had people give up on me before, I mean my own guardian has been plotting against me for my whole life, but this is different. George was never supposed to give up on me. He was showing me how to live. He taught me how to forgive myself. He was the only thing keeping me together.
He doesn't need to be in love with me, no I'm not that greedy. I just want him to listen. I want my best friend back. I want my George.
"Lily?"
"Lily?"