This is a foolproof three step plan. It's easy. Simple.
Step one: pack things. Already done since I never bothered unpacking.
Step two: leave Malfoy Manor without raising too many questions. Should be easy enough, I mean who really cares about my movements anyways?
Step three: find Thomas Blacksmith.
The last step is perhaps the only one which may cause some problems, but for now, this has to remain a simple 3 step plan. Any more steps and worrying will cause my brain to literally explode.
Shoving my rucksack on my back, I creep into the hallway. It's eerily quiet, something that does not make me feel any better about this situation. I have no idea where I'm going to go, I just know that I can't stay here any longer. Malfoy is just... he's not who I thought he was. I can't stay in a place that I'm constantly having to keep my eyes peeled for any violence.
I do not fit in here.
I do not fit in with my guardian.
I do not fit in with George. Not anymore.
I don't have a home.
No. Stop. You can't do this to yourself.
Mentally scolding myself from diverging from my foolproof 3 step plan, I take a deep breath and walk towards the door. My hand is barely on the handle when a low gasp stops me in my tracks.
"Leaving are we?" Narcissa's voice echoes in the halls. Closing my eyes for a brief second, I plaster on my mask and turn to face her. The look in her eyes is difficult to read, almost as if she's trying to figure me out. Out of this whole twisted family, my sympathy lies with her. It's clear that she does not want anything to do with her crazy sister nor does she want her husband to suffer any more than he already has. She wants power, but she doesn't want it in this way and I understand that completely.
"I'm just goi-" I start but then I stop. What excuse could I possibly give her?
Her lips press together into a tight line as she regards me carefully. My hand shakes slightly as I grip the handle to cover the tremble. I can't show signs of weakness, not to her, not to anyone. To them I have to be the unstoppable Lily Fowler, the Dark Lord's most feared ally. I can't be the timid uncertain Lily who has no clue what's going to happen or if she's going to live to see another day.
"If my sister found you here she would skin you alive," Narcissa says as she takes another step towards me. Again, I have to ensure that I keep my body doesn't give any signs of weakness away, but I can't stop the sniff that escapes me.
"Your guardian helped my boy. He saved my Draco," her voice is extremely low. This could all be a part of my imagination. As she raises her wand, my head screams at me to do something, think of something, but I just stand frozen in fear.
"I do not know why you are leaving. I do not know where you have been hiding," Narcissa's almost an arm's reach away from me. I can see every detail of her beautiful face. The war has done no favours for her, aged her far too quickly. The radiance of her beauty makes me more scared.
"You are free to go. When you see Severus let him know that I am forever grateful for what he has done. This war is difficult, but we must," she says in a hushed whisper as she gives me a calculated look. "We must look after our children. We must protect them."
My heart beats erratically in my throat as tears prickle in my eyes.
"You tell Severus. Tell him the Malfoys never forget," she whispers as she places a cold hand on my arm. Goosebumps spread like fire across my body as I give her a stiff nod. For the first time I feel like I'm seeing Narcissa Malfoy for who she is. A mother. A mother with her child caught up in a war that is not his own. My own heart pangs for my father, a man who I hope would hold me in the same light this woman holds her child, regardless of their sins.
"Go," she whispers as my eyes dart around the empty house once more. Pushing the door, I slip into the darkness and run as fast as I can to get away. Blood pounding, I struggle to breathe as I come to a stop at the corner of the road. A sob escapes me as my hands tremble. Shaking, I sink to the ground as another sob leaves my body. My arms wrap around my body as I try to comfort myself.
It's okay.
I'm going to be okay.
Everything is going to be okay.
Squeezing myself so hard it becomes difficult to breathe, I stare up at the sky, silently pleading.
I need you. I can't do this without you. I need you. Please.
But a dead man cannot answer his daughters cries, no matter how desperate they seem. Narcissa let me go in honour of something my guardian did. A murder my guardian committed. How can I forgive him for that? How can I let myself trust that monster again? But according to Narcissa, he saved her son. He protected Malfoy from the scar from killing someone. A scar that he saw me grow up with, struggle with, fight it with every fibre of my being.
Is that not an act worthy of redemption?
Stroking my own shoulders, I try to calm myself down. This is not the moment to have a breakdown. But how much longer can I force myself to just pretend everything is okay? The fact of the matter is that I haven't been okay for a very long time. I don't know how to be okay anymore.
My breath slows down and becomes more steady as I let a couple of other tears fall down my cheek. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I've never been more alone, but at the same time I've never had more reasons to fight, to live. I can't just give it all up.
With each inhale, I feel myself getting stronger in my willpower. No mission comes without sacrifice. Mine just happens to be somewhat more difficult for me to accept. Mine is the one man that has taught me how to respect myself, to forgive myself. It's hard, but I cannot give now.
I'm going to find out what Pibbly is. I'm going to find Thomas Blacksmith. I'm going to get some answers from my guardian. And I'm going to do it all so that one day I can tell you everything, because what's the point of all this if I can't share my life with you at the end of it all, George Weasley?
***TWO MONTHS LATER***
"Morning!"
A cheery voice calls as I groan. The sunlight beams into the room, making it very difficult for me to snooze. Shuddering slightly as the draft that enters the room with the open door, I throw a pillow at the intruder.
"Come on poppet! You told me to wake you up early!"
"I was lying," I say through gritted teeth, but as expected the voice just laughs as they set down a tray on the table next to me.
"I've got the next set of boxes ready for you downstairs and Jerry's asking whether he can go with you today. He's been so lonely ever since school broke up for the holidays, poor pet." Two piercing blue eyes blink at me expectantly as I just shrug. The old lady takes that as some form of an answer as she smiles widely, chatting on about her grandson, Jerry. Wrapping my blanket around me, I sit up and push my curls away from my face.
Abigail Perkins walks to the other side of the room and starts clearing away last nights research papers. I shake my head at her wordlessly as I grab a mug of coffee and inhale deeply.
Her grey hair tied messily in a bun, her usual apron covering another one of her brightly coloured hideous dresses, just humming to herself without a single care in the world. After a week of sleeping wherever I can find a quiet spot, I bumped into her quite randomly. It was as if it were a sign from my father himself as she took one look at me and demanded that I come with her to get some food in me.
That afternoon I told her about my story, as much as I thought would be safe for her to know. It was a relief to get everything off my shoulders. She could have been Imperiused by a Death Eater, she could have been a spy, but in all honesty, I did not care. I just needed someone to talk to. A person who could just listen to me so that I'm not resorting to just talking to my dead father whenever I feel like I'm losing it.
Abigail Perkins saved my life.
So even though she starts rummaging through my drawers, looking for Merlin know's what, I can't help but smile at her. It's like having someone that is so pure and entirely my own. No one can steal her from me, or use her to torment me, or convince her of any lies because she knows the truth and I've disappeared off the face of the earth. I could be dead for all anyone knows and I prefer it that way.
For once in my life I'm not tied down to anyone or anything. My identity is solely what I decide it to be. There are no men who emotionally manipulate me or convince me to do anything I wouldn't do otherwise. I don't have to deal with stupid feelings conflicting what truly matters here, my father's legacy.
"I'll tell Jerry to get ready then, oh he'll be so excited!" Mrs. Perkins says with a smile as she leaves the room. I stare at the empty doorframe for a second as my eyes glaze over. Am I being a coward for hiding out here? Am I just simply running away from the truth that I can't handle?
Is all this because I don't want to crawl back to the Burrow and see what I've left behind? To see whether any of them will give me another second chance, let me explain my actions and try to understand that they came from a place of love.
Shaking my head furiously, I inhale deeply.
This train of thought is not useful. Let go. Accept that not everything can be in your control. Just take each day as it comes and learn to forgive yourself.
But how can I forgive myself if he hates me forever?
I yelp in surprise as the hot coffee falls down my leg. The mug is a melted mess in my hands. Jumping up, I pat down my legs hoping that I haven't scarred myself permanently, again. A growl escapes me as I throw the remains of the mug in the bin. That's the fourth one I've destroyed. A familiar glare meets my gaze as I regard my reflection. I can't keep letting my thoughts dictate my emotions. Eventually I'm going to cause some serious damage and I can't afford that right now.
"Just forget it. Forget him," I mutter to myself as I grip the edges of the dressing table. This is doable. It's not easy, but it's not impossible either. I can do this.
The look in my eyes doesn't convince me anymore than the slightly tremble in my hand, but all the same I get dressed quickly and head downstairs. I try to ignore the dark burn marks on the cabinet forming what looks a firm grip as I smile at the little boy who runs to greet me.
"Grammy says I can go with you today? Can I really?" He asks bouncing up and down as I just grin at him.
"Yes of course you can. How can I do this without my amazing assistant?" My smile widens as the five year old boy gives me a toothy grin. I have a lot of fondness for this boy. He's always laughing or giggling about another joke that he's heard or thought of and if he's not playing with his imaginary friends, he's playing some sort of prank on his grandmother. There are many reasons why I care for this child, but the main one is the fact that on the day we first met, he gave me his teddy bear because he thought I needed it more than him. His actions did more for me than he could ever know. It was like my father was looking down on me and telling me that everything is going to be okay.
"Now don't get in her way. Emily will need to focus today," Mrs. Perkins says as she ushers Jerry away. My lips press together firmly as she uses my fake name. Although I doubt there's any way that anyone could find me here, I had to take extra precautions. I made a promise to myself. I told myself that every action I take will be something that I can explain to George. He needs to understand my reasons. It feels like I'm dying a bit more each day that I'm away from him, but at the same time it's like time is frozen. I'm trapped in this fake world with a fake name, stuck in the same loop. Yet every breath I take is one more closer to completing this mission and then I can go find George again.
He can't hate me forever because I simply won't let him.
"Emily dear?" Mrs. Perkins says snapping me out of my thoughts. Blinking, I try to smile but it must have looked very strange as she gives me the same concerned look she does when she catches me lost in my mind. Another thing I like about this woman is that she doesn't ask me any questions that she knows I don't want to answer. Like why in Merlin's name would anyone be so intent on finding someone called Thomas Balcksmith and how could that be related in any way to getting closure from their father's untimely death?
"Yes," I say clearing my throat. "Sorry." I mutter as I grab my bag and coat. "Are you ready to go buddy?" I exclaim as Jerry nods excitedly, his ashy blond head bouncing up and down.
"We'll be back for dinner," I say, still avoiding Mrs. Perkin's eyes. Jerry's hand slips into my own as we step out in the chilly morning. Swearing to myself softly, I consider breaking wizarding law to warm myself up.
The notion is still extremely attractive as I lead Jerry down the country lane path. Mrs. Perkin's house is literally in the middle of nowhere. The closest grocery shop is a half mile away and it takes us a little longer to get to the main city centre, if you can even call it that. There's a post office, a couple of small stores and a tiny library. This little village has everything I need and more. It's a safe haven where Death Eaters are a myth, a ghost story used to keeps the villagers safe in town. Horror stories happening in large cities around the world are mere whispers here. The world could end and I am pretty sure Mrs. Perkins would be more concerned about where Bob the village cat has broken into now.
I wish I could bring George here. He would love it. He'd find everything so strange, but at the same time he'd want to meet everyone and just get stuck in with this community. Smiling to myself, I shake my head.
One day, when all this is over, I'll bring him here.
"Are we going to be looking for Pibbly today?" Jerry asks as I raise my eyebrows at him.
"Have you been listening into grown up conversations?" I ask in return but he doesn't look ashamed at all.
"I don't understand. I thought Pibbly is where we go in summer," Jerry continues and I sigh. It's also because of this young boy that I feel like I have some progress with this stupid Pibbly lark. After telling Mrs. Perkins about how my search is hanging on the fact that I need to remember what Pibbly means, she gave me an odd look as if she'd heard it before but couldn't remember from where. Jerry came over for the weekend and started talking about his summer holidays. I can still remember the moment I heard the word being uttered.
"Mama said that we won't be able to go again because it's closing down. So I got you the biggest Pibbly. It was the shiniest one there."
Jerry's Pibbly turned out to be a simple pebble. When he was a bit younger he couldn't say the full word and so made up the word 'pibbly' instead. Despite my disappointment, a new thought crept into my head. I was a young girl in that memory, whose to say that I did not make up a word for pebbles too? What if Pibbly is not a person but a place? It would make sense since I doubt Snape would have tagged along to our family holidays.
It's the best idea I've had in weeks so I've poured all my energy in looking at records for areas that are around pebble beaches to see if there is a Thomas Blacksmith anywhere. Considering the fact that there's only one computer in the library and thousands of records for me to sort through, it's been a crazy immense task. I have yet to lose hope though. I feel like it's a sign, meeting Mrs. Perkins, hearing someone else say Pibbly, this village in the middle of nowhere giving me the time and security to look for Thomas. It's like the universe is tired of seeing me flail around helplessly and wants to give me a nudge in the right direction.
"Yeah, your Pibbly is where you go, but I need to find my Pibbly," I say to Jerry as he scrunches his eyebrows in confusion.
"I thought there was only one!"
"Oh if only," I say laughing. "When I was your age I used to go to beaches too and I think I called them Pibbly, just like you do," I explain tapping his nose with my finger. "We just have to find the right one," I say poking his stomach causing him to giggle.
"Come on buddy," I say as we continue down the path. It's another 10 minutes before we reach the library and Jerry fills that time by telling me stories about all his friends in great detail. By the time we get there, I know all about the drama behind Patrick and the stolen teddy bear.
The library is empty as usual.
"You've brought a guest with you!" An old man exclaims as I sign in. Jerry can't even reach the counter, but you can just about see two fingertips reaching for the edge.
"Yes, I need an extra pair of eyes today." I say smiling at the old man. He's been here every single day to give me company as I do my research. Without him, I would probably go crazy with the silence.
"He'll probably be useful down in the pit," the old man croaks, smiling down at Jerry, who doesn't look too pleased with the sight. Forcing down a giggle, I just nod as he passes me some keys for the play pen, otherwise known as the pit.
"Okay Jerry, I'll just be down the hall if you need me. Come find me if you get hungry and we'll have some of your grammy's sandwiches," I say as I kneel down so that I'm eye level with him.
"I'm hungry now," Jerry mumbles as I laugh patting his head.
"Very funny. Now off you go!" I say, pushing him lightly in the direction of the pit.
"It wasn't a joke!" I hear his voice call from the pit, causing me to smile. The smile is short lived as I turn to go into the room I've spent majority of my time in these past couple of months. The computer whirs as it drums back to life.
Grabbing another box of birth certificates, I pick up the first report. It's always the same routine. Find a new location, get the birth certificates of every male born in the era I'm searching in, sift through them all to see if I can find Thomas.
There's usually quite a few Thomases but never a Blacksmith. Considering both names are pretty common, it only makes me more determined to find the guy. Goosebumps dance across my body as I type in another beach town. A part of me wonders why I'd be feeling cold on a brilliant summer's day, but when the results ping onto the page, all questions vanish from my head. Scrolling down to the birth certificates, I open up the link of all the names. There's about 5020 for one year alone, but putting them all on a single document means it only takes up a few pages.
The screen glare makes my eyes water. Giving up after a couple of seconds, I print out the pages. It's always easier for me to read on paper compared to on a computer screen, I don't understand the Muggle fascination for it.
A cold air sweeps into the room as I discard the old files. A shudder escapes me. Instinctively, my hand goes towards my inner jacket pocket which conceals my wand. There are no wizards in this part of the country. There aren't even any wild pixies. This is perhaps the most non-magical place, yet for some reason I feel scared as if I'm being watched.
You're being stupid Lily. It's just your mind playing tricks on you.
With no real reason for it, I take out my wand and put it in my back pocket so that it's easier for me to access it. Moody's voice echoes in my head about the dangers of wizard stupidity, especially when it came to leaving wands in places they should not be. The memory makes me smile as I turn back to the freshly printed pages.
It takes me a couple of hours to sort through all the names. I have to sift through the actual names and then cross reference it with a town registry just in case there was a name change along their lifespan.
Every day, I find myself considering for a second to give up and go ask Snape. And every time that thought enters my mind, it disappears just as quickly as it came. I can't go crawling back to him. Narcissa let me escape because of Snape, making me question the reasons behind my anger. Does Snape deserve to be punished? Or was he simply protecting an innocent child?
Scoffing, I stuff another paper into the bin. Malfoy is many things, but he is not a child. No. My anger towards Snape goes beyond any of that. It can barely constitute as anger anymore anyway. The truth is, I don't know how I feel about it all. He is the only remaining true link I have to my past, to my father and I don't have it in me to give that up. Equally, I don't think I have the strength to face him. I'm too ashamed. I've made mistake after mistake since that incident and I can't let him make me feel weak or apologetic for my choices.
All my choices pivot around George. He is my centre now. That's why I can't face Snape. I refuse to feel guilty or like I've betrayed my father for putting George above the mission.
It's well past midday when a patter of feet interrupt me from my search.
"Emily! I'm hungry!" Jerry roars as he peers into the room. I can't help but smile at the sight of him and decide that it's definitely time to take a much needed break.
"Oh no!" I exclaim, as I cover my mouth in fake horror. Jerry falls for my amazing acting skills immediately as his eyes widen and he steps into the room.
"What?" He asks cautiously.
"Well I got really really hungry earlier and I seem to have... I ate all the food!" I lace my voice with as much pain as I can muster even though every part of me is dying to laugh. The look of horror in Jerry's eyes lasts for only a second before he takes another step towards me, eyebrows raised.
His appearance reminds me so much of a younger George. Confident, cocky, refusing to believe anything that comes out of my mouth, it all sounds about right.
"You're joking," he says sternly crossing his arms at me. I keep his glare as if I'm questioning whether he truly believes I'm lying or not, but then a grin gives me away.
"Of course I am!" I say with a laugh, getting out the sandwiches Mrs. Perkins made us for lunch. Jerry scrunches his face at me but the sight of food seemingly makes him forget about the fact that I just played with his emotions.
"How about you go eat out in the back and I'll tidy up here and join you?" I say passing him the other sandwiches.
"They'll all be finished!" He says with an evil glint in his eyes as he darts out of the room. Staring at the empty space, I can't help but feel a sense of longing. I'll be the first to admit that I never pictured myself having children, but hanging out with Jerry these past few weeks has just made me want to have one to call my own. It doesn't help that I keep seeing George in Jerry. But then again I see George wherever I go. That man is stuck to me forever.
A gust of cold wind breaks my thoughts. Blinking at the empty doorway, I shake my head as I pack away a couple of the file. A nagging thought in the back of my head gets louder as goosebumps appear across my whole body. It's like I know I'm supposed to remember something but I can't remember exactly what it is. I know if I give myself a second, I'll figure it out, but a part of me knows that I don't even have that second to think.
A frown forms as I regard the heater. It's currently on the maximum level, but for some reason it feels like I'm freezing. It's like a part of me has forgotten how to be warm... how to be happy.
Suddenly my heart is racing and every fibre in my being is filled with cold dread and fear. Time slows down and I can practically count the seconds as I hear a distant scream.
No.
My hand trembles as I drop the box I was holding.
How could I have not noticed it? Have I been away from magic for so long that I can't recognise it anymore?
The scream gets louder but this time it's different. It's a child's scream. A young boy.
Pulse pounding, I run towards the sound. Every breath getting more shaky than the previous. Eyes watering, I grab my wand. My hands are clammy as I almost lose my grip. Skidding into the room, I bang my shoulder into the door.
A dark soulless monster hovers above sucking the life out of the room.
Jerry.
"Expect-" I mutter trying to remember the spell, but for some reason it's like I'm drawing a blank. The memory of learning it is so hazy. Did I even stay long enough at Hogwarts? Isn't it this something that you learn at NEWT level? Something in me tells me that I should know this spell.
"Expecto Pagrous," I yell without any luck. This is impossible. The dementor turns to face me as I shake my head expecting it to disappear. This is impossible. This can't be happening. I'm in the most non-magical place in this country. How is this happening?
Jerry groans as the untouched sandwich falls from his hand. I don't know whether it's clear that the poor child never even got to eat, or the fact that I know he didn't eat because he was waiting for me, but the memory becomes clearer.
Flashes of memories that I know are my own, but do not remember, enter in my mind all at once. My knees wobble as I lose balance. Fragments of conversations, fleeting feelings, so much left unspoken, all overwhelming me in one go.
Grabbing the nearest chair, I steady myself as I take a deep breath in. I can do this. I know the spell. I just have to trust myself. I can do this.
Do me a favour, love, stop being so dramatic and spit it out.
A small smirk plays on my lips as I open my eyes and stare at the dementor. My insides start to squirm as it gets closer, but I keep my attention on Jerry and the importance of protecting him.
"Expecto Patronum!" I yell out with every inch of my being focused on the echo of George's voice ringing in my ear sounding so clear he may as well be standing right next to me.
A silvery fluid like substance flows out my wand repelling the dementor. Sweat balls up on my forehead as I concentrate on the spell. My eyes glance at the collapsed boy and it fuels my anger. This is my hiding place. This is my friend. This is my safe place. No dementor is going to take that from me.
"Hello Lily, or should I say Emily? It's like you just can't stop using your mother's name to hide from the scary world," A low voice hisses as my heart drops. The grip on my wand falters and my mind goes blank. Impossible. This can't be happening.
A trap. This is a trap. Of course it is. How could I ever have thought that I would be able to escape it all? To escape from him? I don't have time to turn around, nor the energy. My mouth dries as I try to figure out a way of this, but it's like the shock of hearing his voice has literally made me brainless.
"Plea-" I start but then a large force hits my head and everything starts to go black.
My eyes blink as I try to keep them open, but it's no use. I don't even notice my knees buckling as I fall to the floor, lying helplessly like poor Jerry.
Jerry.
My hand struggles to reach out my wand, but before I can grab it, a foot steps on it preventing it from moving. Pain sears through my body as a scream escapes me. The screams continue, echoing the empty hallways, but nobody seems to answer or care.
A hand pushes my head down as I struggle in his grip.
No. Please. Leave Jerry. Please.
But the words don't escape my lips as I watch the silver fox disappear from view.
Darkness takes over.
*Thank you for 80K*