Monday 16th
The day after mine and Asher's fight I felt drained. I was snapping at every person possible and managing to sleep through most of my classes at school. By the end of fifth period the only one willing to wait for me, the only one not avoiding the sour mood that consumed me, was Chester.
He waited near the school entrance, wrapped up tight in a coat and scarf and two steaming coffees in hand. One of which he shot directly into my hand and ordered for me to drink. I did so all but downing the entire cup before we'd even reached the bottom of the steps. I continued to drink and drink all the way down the street, Chester having decided for us that we'd get the train home.
"He just walked away?" Chester asked, frowning after I'd relayed to him what had gone down between me and Ash. Five minutes into our walk he'd forced it out of me and now that I started to talk about it, I couldn't stop. Neither could Chester who seem perplexed by the entire situation.
"Yeah," I nodded, my hands wound in a fierce grip around my near empty cup, "He said there was nothing to talk about."
"Weird," Chester muttered, throwing his also empty cup into the nearest bin and then shrugging further into his beige winter coat, "And you haven't heard from him since?"
"Not exactly. He tried to ring me last night," I explained, remembering the torrent of confliction that had shot through me when I saw his name run across my screen after I'd got home from the restaurant. As much as I'd wanted to speak to him and figure it out, I knew as soon as I answered the call I'd have already forgiven him. I wasn't willing to be that forgiving just yet.
"But you didn't answer?" He questioned, peering at me through the corner of his eyes.
I shook my head, "It was like 12 when he called."
"So?" Chester queried, cocking his brows in my direction, "You were up, why didn't you answer?"
"Because I'm not going to just drop everything to listen to him half-heartedly apologise," I sneered.
"You don't know it would be half-hearted," Chester noted, waggling a pointed finger in my direction, "You never picked up."
"But I know him well enough to know what he'd say," I said, pursing my lips in thought of all the way Asher would manage to brush it off, act like nothing had happened and how easily I'd forgive him.
"People can surprise you Andra," Chester smiled, a dimple denting his cheek as he attempted to lift my spirits.
But they only plummeted as I remembered that one conversation Asher and I'd had on the drive back to his house a month again. How he'd told me I'd surprised him and that no one ever did that anymore. For a while he'd surprised me too but the longer I thought about last night, the less surprised I became and the more I realised how predictable Asher actually was.
"I know he lied Andra" Chester sighed, his smile faltering and concern taking place on his features when he noticed my lack of words, "But is it that big of a deal?"
"It isn't that he lied, Chester," I said, "I don't even really care about that. It was how he acted last night, like he didn't even care about me."
Chester's hand reached out and entwined around mine, a comforting pressure out there as he spoke, "But you know that he does care."
I thought he had. Up until last night I thought we might be going somewhere. But he'd said it best himself, he didn't care.
"Not anymore," I mumbled, eyes glued to pavement as we strolled further away from the school and towards the station. Mine and Chester's hand stay connected, swinging in the space between us as we walked.
"Andra," Chester said my name, his voice begging for my attention. I gave it to him briefly, lifting my eyes and peering at him through my lashes.
"What?"
"People fight," He reasoned, watching me carefully, hand tightened around mine, "Caspian's forever arguing with me. It's normal."
"You and Caspian are different," I said, tearing my eyes away from him in frustration and looking back to the grey stoned ground, "You don't understand."
"Maybe I don't," Chester shrugged just as we reached the station and hopped down the steps to the underground, "But I'm just telling you that when people fight, they say stuff they don't mean. It doesn't make them bad people."
He definitely didn't understand. It wasn't that I thought Asher was a bad person for what he said last night. He was just bad for me and me for him.
"If that was true then Ivy would have no friends left," Chester teased, a poor attempt at humour in a bleach situation.
I bit down hard on my bottom lip, supressing the smile and instead sent him a warning, "Chester."
Chester's hand freed of mine as we passed through the ticket barriers, lifting his arms into a shrug when we were on the other side, "I'm kidding," he beamed, shoving his ticket back into his pocket and grabbing my hand again.
He steered us through the station, tugging me along with him as he jumped onto the escalator.
"Speaking of Ivy," I said, shuffling to one side to let other people pile down quicker, "I said I'd go see her after school. She wants to know what's wrong with me."
Chester who stood a step down turned to face me, jutting his chin upwards in my direction, "Are you going to tell her?" He asked, his side leant against the railing.
"About Asher?"
Chester nodded, quickly checking over his shoulder for the bottom before glancing back to me, "Yeah."
"I don't know," I said honestly, "There's not much point now is there? I doubt I'll be seeing him again."
Chester shot me a look of sympathy but it didn't last long before the bottom of the escalator approached and we had to hop off of it.
"Andra," Chester huffed out my name, reaching out for me once more but failing this time as I pointed towards my platform and began to hurry away.
"It's my train," I shouted out to him over the roaring sounds of the underground trains and blaring echoes of voices, "Got to go. Love you."
*
For the second time this month I stood in front of Ivy's door, Isaac directly in front of me.
I smiled up at him, momentarily forgetting about everything else going wrong in life, "Isaac."
"Hey Andra," He beamed, pushing the door open further and stepping aside to let me pass through. I hovered in the doorway, slowly brushing past him to stand in the foyer.
"Is Ivy here?" I asked him, glancing over my shoulder to the staircase where she would usually bound down if she heard me arrive.
"She was but she left," Isaac explained, "Said she needed to go see someone."
"Do you know who?"
"I don't know," He shrugged, closing the door behind him and walking so he carefully stood in front of me. I ignored his overwhelming familiar scent, the cologne I'd once picked put for him as a Christmas present. I ignored it and took myself a step back.
"Oh well," I mumbled, stumbling for something to say, "I better go then."
"You can wait for her here if you want," he suggested, motioning with his head down the hallway.
"No, it's fine," I assured him, retracing my steps and let my hand reach out for the door handle, "I'll just tell her to come to mine."
"Andra," Isaac said, empathising my name in a way that had my heart accelerating, "It's fine, you can stay."
"You sure?" I asked even though I knew it would be the right thing to leave anyway.
"Yes, come on," He said, encouraging me with a gesturing hand to follow after him as he started own the hallway, "I'll get you a drink."
"Thanks," I smiled barely being given an opportunity to turn down his offer as he strolled of through the house to the kitchen. I kept myself three paces behind, a reasonable distance, as he guided us into the room and headed for the fridge.
"So," I uttered, fixing myself on the opposite side of the kitchen and watching him as he drew the milk from the fridge, "How's being back?"
"Good," He nodded, settling the milk on the counter and starting to make me a tea. I dared myself to let him know I took it without sugar now but decided not to, letting him speak instead, "It's good to see everyone again. Andrew's coming down this weekend to catch up so that will be fun."
"Andrew?" I echoed, frowning, "Andrew as in your roommate from Crawford's? Andrew Millington?"
"Yeah," Isaac chuckled beneath his breath, a laughter I understood having a first-hand account of Andrew myself, "When I called and told him I was back in the city and he practically hopped on a train there and then."
"Where even is he now?" I questioned. Having not stayed in touch with a lot of people from boarding school, I found that I knew very little on what people had gone on to do. Andrew like Isaac would have finished school by now, no doubt off pestering some other corner of the world.
"He's living in Manchester now with Peter and Ross," Isaac filled me in, pouring the boiling water from the kettle into the mug and finishing up my drink.
"He is? That's so weird. I always thought he'd end up leaving Europe," I commented, "I can't believe you all kept in contact."
"We'll try and ring each other very few months, just to see how it's going," Isaac nodded, his fingers holding onto a spoon that he stirred in circles in the mug. He paused then, his hands stilling as he noticeably thought over something before he finally spat it out, "He asks about you all the time you know."
"He does?" I asked, brows raised in surprise.
"Yeah," Isaac nodded, his lips dimming into a sad, transparent smile, "Keeps asking if I've come to my senses yet."
"He doesn't," I denied, my pulse increasing as I came to realise that we were walking down dangerous territory.
"He does," Isaac said, drawing his lip between his teeth and biting down for a second until his lip pulled free and pushed out into another smile, "You should come out with us on Friday."
"I don't know if that's a good idea," I hummed, my head slowly shaking.
"Andra if you're worried about us, he gets it," Isaac said, dropping to spoon, picking up the mug and walking it over to the island in the middle of the kitchen. He set it down in front of one the kitchen stools, watching my carefully from the other side of the island, "He knows the deal between us."
"Still," I mused, stepping forward and falling into the seat. I picked up the mug and sipped on it, aware of the two eyes that were fixed on me.
"Still nothing," Isaac grinned, "You have to come."
"I-."
"Say yes," Isaac interrupted me before I could even get one word out, his smile only brightening as I struggled to answer him.
"Isaac," I sighed, my brows furrowed deeper.
"It will be fun," He assured me, leaning his hips against the edge of the counter and bending down to lean his elbows on the table.
"Fine," I huffed, short puffs of frustrated air exhaling from my nose, "I'll come."
"Great," Isaac chimed, sounding the happiest I'd heard him since he'd been back, "I'll tell him later."
A silence lapsed over us, one that held a lot of secrets and unsaid words. Maybe it was the reminder of Andrew, a ghost from our past or maybe it was just the unsettled way we'd left things a year ago. Either way, there was a lot that hung over us.
I swallowed a nervous breath, my hands wrapped around the warm sides of the mug, "You won't tell Ivy?" I asked him, my voice quiet enough that he might not have even heard.
But he did, Isaac heard and noticed everything.
"When have I ever told her anything when it came to us?" He asked me, the question rhetorical. He'd never once told her anything, neither had I. Everything Isaac and I was kept solely between the two of us and the rare few people like Andrew.
"I was just checking," I whispered, my eyes downcast on the brown liquid of my drink.
"You never needed to check before," He said, insecurity sneaking into his frame. The hurt expression moulding into his features made me think of Asher and how different the two boys were.
I shook Asher from mind and focused on Isaac, feeling brave enough to look up at him, staring him dead in the eyes, "That was then."
"Nothing's changed."
"Everything's changed," I corrected him, my throat dry and a throbbing ache running through every artery in my body.
"Then why do I feel exactly the same way I did then?" Now he spoke quietly, his words not needing any force or volume to reach me. I felt them clear enough. They travelled through the air between us and hit me square in the chest, a dull pain spreading there.
"Isaac," I mouthed, his name the only thing I could manage to choke out of me, every other syllable, every other word melted on the tip of my tongue.
"Do you?" He suddenly asked, turning the attention to me, "Feel the same?"
"I don't know."
I could tell it wasn't the answer he'd wanted to hear. But if I couldn't give him anything else, I could at least him honesty, that was what I told myself to assure I slept at night.
"Sometimes when I think about it," He breathed hesitantly, the green orbs of his eyes falling to the counter which his fingers run over mindlessly, "I think about how many things I would have done differently."
"You mean telling Ivy?" I said, less a question more a statement. I knew so because it was one of my biggest regrets too. Telling her may have been painful but not like this. This was more than just painful, it was unbearable. The lies, the paranoia, the guilt, I didn't know how much longer I could live with it all.
"And leaving," He clarified, "I should have never have left you."
"I understood why you had to," I consoled, not wanting him to add more guilt to his conscience.
"I know you did, that just makes it worse."
A thick expression of sadness lay across his face as he fell silent. I watched every tiny movement he made, from the soft blinking of his eyelids to the repetitive tapping off his thumb against the marble surface of the counter. I wanted to reach out and grab his hand, iron out the insecurity like you would the creases of a shirt. But I didn't. I couldn't bear to move or speak, only think.
Two and Half Years Earlier
I'd just finished my last race of the day. I crossed the finishing line with a heavy panting chest and sore legs. Endurance kept my legs working, my feet slowly padding down into a soft jog. My hair was stuck to the back of my next with sweat, a thick wet layer that covered my arms too. It was sports day and Upperton's school field was crowded with chaos, girls and boys running around, bunched up groups of desperate teenagers, sports teachers running all over the place.
I heard my name called and spun to see Victoria, Izzy and Emily running towards me. They all leapt in my direction, screaming and grinning as they approached me. When they did they meet me with a gigantic hug, knocking all four of us to the floor. I laughed and groaned as we lay in a heaped mess on the grass. Playfully pushing them all to the side so they weren't all lying on me, I struggled to my weak feet again.
"You won!" Victoria shrieked in my ear, rushing up to hug me again, gentler this time.
"You sound surprised," I laughed lightly pushing her off me. They were all on their feet now, crowding around me as I continued to catch my breath. Izzy's hand found its way to my back and patted if comfortingly.
"Of course not," Emily grinned, "We knew you'd win."
I puffed out a laugh, my eyes bypassing their shoulders and searching the area at the finishing line, "I had to win. I couldn't let Rebecca win, she'd never let me forget."
"She was so mad," Victoria told me only adding to my pumped mood, "She definitely won't forget it now. She'll hate you forever."
"A blessing in disguise," I scoffed through grinning teeth, "Let's pray she never speaks to me again."
"That would be a miracle," Emily said and we all giggled, moving back in the direction of the finishing line.
"Come on," Victoria's hand tugged onto my shoulder and dragged me faster towards the teachers table to the right of the finish, "you got to get your medal."
As we walked, Emily and Izzy skipped ahead laughing between themselves about something. It was a loud voice calling out my name that caused Vic to separate from me to, her hand dropping and legs still moving. I halted in my step and spun around to the direction of the voice.
"Hey," It was Isaac jogging up to me, hands waving as if motioning for me to stop, "Andra."
"Isaac," I mentioned his name, my wide eyes pinned to him, "Hi."
As he reached me it took all of my remaining strength not to faint. He was wearing a pair of gym shorts and a tight white polo, his school's logo embroided into the right corner on his chest. His skin glistened under the sun's glow, sweat trickling down his forehead. The blonde hair on his head was tugged back messily but loose strands had managed to escape its damp hold and fell down into his eyes. In one hand, he held an ice-cold water bottle and the other reached up and wiped his forehead.
"I saw you run," He said through rough breaths which quickly eased out. He pointed towards the race track and grinned, "You were amazing."
"Thanks," I uttered hoping that he assumed my face was still bright red from the race only and not the sight of him, "I'm sure I'll pay the price later on."
He laughed, nodding in agreement, "I know what you mean, I've been running all day and I can already feel the pain."
So could I. Except now the pain wasn't in my feet, it was in my chest. My pulse racing, almost combusting heart. I couldn't find words because of it. I raced to organise my mind but Isaac spared me from the struggle, "You have anything else left?" he asked.
"No more thank god," I breathed, tugging my lips up and attempting to discreetly brush away the sweat that covered my neck and cheeks, "You?"
"Yeah," He nodded whilst playfully rolling his eyes, "Just one more. Relay."
"That sucks," I said, uncappable of composing a better sentence. A pause wavered between us and I thought it might become awkward. I looked up from the floor and met his eyes, smiling. We'd only spoken once or twice since I arrived, bumping into each other at gatherings between our two boarding schools. I had recognized him immediately, the dirty blonde hair, perfected features and familiar shade of green eyes matched Ivy's exactly. He'd recognized me as one of his little sister's friends from home and had even acknowledged me a couple of times.
But never like this, never had he approached me out of nowhere, smiling the way he was.
"Oh," Isaac began, his grin growing as he continued speaking, "I meant to tell you that that prank you and your friends pulled was great."
"I don't know what you mean," I laughed nervously, in my mind recalling the night before when me and Victoria had snuck into the boy's locker room and hung fish in their lockers, "We never played any prank."
"Andra, it's cool," Isaac joined in with my laughter, his boyish grin pulling at my heart strings, "I'm not going to tell anyone."
My eyes travelled across the field to a patch of boys who were messing around, pushing at each other. A teacher from their school hurried by tugging them all away from one another, "How did you know it was me?"
"Because there was nothing in my locker," Isaac informed me, teasingly continuing, "I guessed you'd done me a favour because I'm Ivy's brother."
"That might have been why," I said staring up at him, a gentle smile teasing my lips.
"So, you did do it?" He smirked.
"Maybe," I shrugged slyly, biting down on my bottom lip to supress the smile that threatened to spill.
From somewhere behind me I heard Victoria call my name. Her voice was loud and bold above the rest on the field and managed to get me to look away from Isaac for a second. I glanced over my shoulder, catching Victoria and the girls waving me over.
"I better go," I said, pointing behind me with my thumb, "I've got to pick up my medal."
"Oh yeah," Isaac nodded, "Ok."
My feet began to back track, walking backwards as I headed in the direction of my friends waiting at the results table. I was less than a few feet away when I heard Isaac call out for me, jogging up to me again.
"Oh wait, Andra," He said, pacing up to me.
I smiled, "Yeah?"
"I meant to say that I'm heading into town later on, in free time," He said, another grin flirting with the tips of his mouth, "I'm picking up some sea food to hide in the girl's locker room and wondered if you'd lend me some advice on which would be best."
"You're joking, right?" I checked, the smallest laugh bubbling up inside my chest.
"Totally," Isaac nodded, puffing out a hearty laugh through his nose, "But I am going into town and wondered if you wanted to come with me."
"Really?"
"Yeah," he said, his eyes watching me enthusiastically.
"To do what?" I asked, beginning to sway on my feet at the mere thought of going out with him, Ivy's big brother.
"I don't know," He shrugged his shoulders, lifting them up and down, "Get some food, talk about how much pain in we're in. Anything you want."
"I mean," I stammered for an answer, my cheeks afire, "I said to the girls I'd hang out with them."
"Oh yeah, that's cool," he insisted, rocking back a step and waving his hand dismissively, "Don't worry, it was just a thought."
"Actually," I said, just as I thought he might be walking away. Quickly glancing over my shoulder I spared my friends one stare before fastening my eyes back on him, "Do you know what, food sounds good."
As soon as I'd said it Isaac's dulled smile brightened and he eagerly nodded his head, "Ok, cool. I'll meet you at the bus stop at half five."
"Ok," I nodded, discreetly watching him as he walked away to his side of the field, "See you then."
*
"I don't believe you," I exclaimed, clutching my stomach as fits of laughter rose up inside my stomach. Beside me on the bus Isaac was in a similar condition, his expression frenzied in hilarity.
Shuffled round in his seat so he faced me straight on, he shook off his laughter and struggled to speak, "I'm dead serious."
"No, no you can't be," I chuckled, regaining some sense of control, "No one's that stupid."
"I was," Isaac grinned, bringing his leg up beneath him, his knee pressing against my thigh, "I'm telling you I walked right up the dock and straight into the sea."
"All for that one drink?" I questioned in disbelief.
"It was the best drink I'd ever had," He laughed, leaning his head back till it rested on the wall of the bus. He watched me from his seat, his hand laying on his knee and the tips of his fingers gently brushing against my jeans.
"Good enough to have everyone stare at you naked once you climbed out the water?" I asked, my heart throbbing at the mere thought.
"Good enough," He nodded, "It was humiliating but totally worth it."
"I bet it was cold," I noted, distracting myself with minor details of his story.
"Freezing," He hissed as if even the thought brought back the feeling, "And I'm not kidding when I say I'm sure it was shark infested."
A loud scoff fell from my lip, "Oh shut up," I said rolling my eyes and nudging his forearm playfully.
"No, I'm serious," He said, though there was a swirl of amusement in his eyes that told me different, "I looked it up afterwards and there are sharks in that part of the ocean."
"You're mad," I uttered, shaking my head side to side.
"I know," He said, grinning.
My mouth opened to say something but the sound of the bus interrupted me, a voice calling out the name of the upcoming stop. It was ours.
By the time we'd hopped back on the bus it had been near enough nine and now fifteen minutes into the journey I was sure if I didn't rush back to my dorm I was going to be late.
"Next stop," Isaac mentioned beside me, both of us staring down the bus to the road ahead.
I nodded, stretching out across the space at the back of the bus and pressing my finger against the button. A loud ding echoed through the bus as I began to stand up, "I know."
"I had a really good night," Isaac said, getting up from his spot too and following me down the length of the bus. There was no one but us on it, the bottom deck empty except the silent bus driver who sat up front.
"Me too," I pouted sadly when we reached the doors of the bus and hovered in front of them, "I wish we could stay out longer."
Isaac's hand went out to the same pole I held onto, placing his barely a few inches below mine, "We should."
"We can't," I said, pressing the side my face to the pole, gazing up at him with a smile, "We'll miss curfew."
"You missed it last night for that prank," He noted, stepping closer to the pole and me.
"Yeah well," I shrugged casually, taunting him, "Last night was worth it."
A humorous breath of air puffed out against Isaac's cheeks, his grin drawn up to his eyes, "Oh and I'm not?"
"Definitely not," I teased, struggling to overlook the lack of a gap between the two of us.
Isaac didn't miss it either, instead he only closed the distance further. Taking a steady step forwards, his eyes landed on my lips and his grin softened, "Now I know you're lying."
Once again I never got the chance to answer him back before the bus was halting to a stop and the doors were thrown open. Me and Isaac both unattached ourselves form the pole and hopped off the bus.
Outside was cold and dark, a sign that winter was quickly on its way. Shrinking into our coats, we both jogged across the road and huddled together under the bus shelter to say goodbye.
"Thanks for asking me out," I said, not realising what I'd said until I had, "Out to town, not out asking me out. You know what I mean."
"Yeah, I know," He chuckled, inching closer to me under the wooden shelter, "Thanks for coming."
Why he felt the need to thank me for that I didn't know. I should be grateful I even got the opportunity to speak to him, after all what other fifteen year old actually got noticed by someone like Isaac. Someone older, funnier, hotter. Not many.
"It was fun," I told him, wrapping my arms around me as if to stop my heart from falling from my chest.
"We'll do it again," He smiled.
"Ok," was all I could get out after finding myself getting lost in his eyes completely.
Isaac nodded, his tongue flicking out across his grinning lips, wetting them as he said, "Good."
"I best go then," I whispered, realising just how close I had gotten to him, "Don't want to be late again."
"Ok," He said, taking a reasonably big step away from me. Air suddenly filled my lungs again and I had to stop myself form sighing in relief.
"See you around Isaac," I breathed, treading backwards in the direction of my school.
"See you Andra."
*
"Isaac."
The ringing sound of a message coming through blared from my phone and broke any sort of moment Isaac and I had been sharing. It forced me to tear my eyes away from him and reach my phone in the pocket of my jacket.
"It's Ivy," I told him when I unlocked the screen and checked the message, "She's on her way back."
Isaac said nothing, only nodded his head. I knew I should have gone to him, comforted him in some sort of way I might have once before. But instead all I did was pick up my cup and stand from the stool.
I gestured towards the kitchen door with my free hand, "I'm going to wait for her in her room."
Isaac didn't protest, "Ok," was all he said as I walked across the kitchen and nudged the door open with my foot.
"Thank you for the drink," I said quietly, pausing in the doorframe to spare myself one last glance at him.
"No problem."