It's been a month. Sembreak is coming.
I'm not numb or dumb. I'm used to talking to him every night. That when we go to school each day, it's as if we're on our own bubble. So I know something has changed.
I go back to the past week. I don't remember any misunderstanding. We never stopped communicating. I noticed that he doesn't reply much about three days ago but I thought it's because Finals is coming.
Childishness? Did he just say I'm childish?
I admit there are times when I get so shy that I seem to have an attitude. I also like things that might seem to be childish but I know when to be serious! What is he talking about?
That was his reason? He thinks I'm childish because I hug Jackson? Because I call him Homey? I don't get it! He's close with Ella and other girls too. He can have physical contact with them when they goof around so why is it wrong when I hug Jackson? He's the only other guy I'm close with and since he's close with him too, I thought there's nothing wrong with it.
Wait... What? THAT'S IT? Will you really just jump off a cliff after climbing a mountain? What kind of a reason is that? He's ending everything just because of that? And he's even blaming it to me? He's saying I should wait myself to be ready like I'm some immature child? He knows I'm like this ever since, so why did he even try to... be closer with me? He should've left me alone in the beginning. Not now. Not when I feel like I'll break and will never be fixed again.
It hurts.
It goddamn hurts.
But there has to be. Every path we take takes us somewhere. This shouldn't be a dead end. Why weren't there warnings? Why did the entrance look like it will lead to a paradise when now I'm facing a grey wall? I just don't get it.
How am I supposed to wake up knowing that I'm waiting for a message that will never come? How am I supposed to face him five days a week and plaster a smile to show that his absence isn't killing me, when in fact it's agonizing? How am I supposed to live after he made me depend on him?
This is unfair!
But I know that it's more unfair is to trap him in this situation. He thinks I'm not enough. He sees my flaws and wants me to change them when he's supposed to accept them. I can't force him. No. As he said before, I am Y/N, and I am known to be full of pride. I've experienced a great variety of emotions through the months I'm with him. I can't let myself look pathetic in the end.
Then I broke down and cry.
I want to say sorry to the word 'okay' because I've been using it in the wrong way.
I called Ella (not Dessa because she will probably yell at me) and she panics when she hears me sobbing. She keeps on asking what happened but it takes me five minutes before getting the courage to say it.
"He doesn't want me anymore."
I cry harder after admitting that to myself.
I know. I'm not stupid. I admit I love talking about him with others can you blame me? I was happy. He made me happy. I rarely become happy to the point that I want to share it to others. And I know my limitations. I never told Dessa or Ella what happened verbatim and I just go on how he made me feel special. It's because I just want them to know what I want them to see. And in this case, I'll just tell them what happened without his hurtful words. Not because it will make me look pathetic but because I still care for Yugyeom, enough to shield him from their mentality. I know they might think that he's an asshole or he lead me but he's their friend and I don't want to ruin it just because our was ruined. So I must wallow in this sadness alone.