There's only one more day of this hell and then I can leave, free to do whatever I wish. I have no guardian, I have no family, I have no one. There is nothing and no one holding me back anymore. My entire life, I've been dreaming about such a day.
But then why do I feel like simultaneously screaming and bursting into tears?
Screwing my socks up into a tight ball, I throw it against the wall. It's not fair. It's not fair at all and I just want to yell at someone until I'm so tired that I can barely talk. I want answers. I want... I want my family back.
My hands ball into tight fists, as I consider punching something. It's a stupid, pathetic wish, a child's wish. How could I possibly want the man who destroyed everything I know to come back into my life? But how could he even walk out of my life without so much as a glance back at me? Do I mean that little to him?
Scoffing, I dump another couple of books in my trunk. Of course I mean nothing to him, he wouldn't have done what he did if he had even the shred of love for me in his heart. Maybe he doesn't have a heart. That seems quite logical since there's no one else I've ever seen him care about out. Well no one but himself.
And despite his many flaws, one thing you cannot deny - much like you, he is fiercely loyal to those he cares about. You are one of the few he cares about.
My eyes shut as I try to block out the memory. He's wrong. Dumbledore was wrong. Dumbledore has never been so wrong about someone before and it's cost him everything. It's cost me everything. Snape doesn't care about me. He's not capable of caring about anyone. He wouldn't have betrayed me like this if he cared. He wouldn't have just left without an explanation. He would... he would have tried to contact me to see if I am okay. But he hasn't done any of that.
Severus Snape does not care about me.
Anger boils in my blood as I can't help but snarling. Who is he not to care about me anyways? What happened to all the false promises about how he made a vow to my father? What happened to all the childhood memories I have with him? What happened to the man who cared enough about me to give me daily potions to subside my nightmares and stay up with me waiting for me to fall asleep again? Where is that man?
Where is my guardian?
It hurts. It hurts so much to see him like this. It hurts to know that he isn't hurting at all knowing that he's all but broken me.
Bad fortune just seems to run in my family. Or maybe it's just me. Maybe I really was cursed as a child to just lose everyone I call family. It's funny, I've never really felt like an orphan. Yes I had no parents, or any extended family, but I always had Snape. He was always there for me. He helped me learn how to write, he taught me muggle mundane things like how to ride a bike, he made sure I was always well fed and healthy. He was my home.
Throughout all of our arguments, I still knew in the back of my mind that eventually one of us would let go of our pride and seek the other. I knew we would still have each other's back. I knew that no matter what, we didn't really mean anything we said to each other. Because at the end of the day, he is all I have and I am all he has. Or that is we were.
For the first time in my life, I truly know what it feels like to be alone.
Tears prickle my eyes as my bottom lip quivers uncontrollable. Taking a deep shaky breath, I close my eyes and attempt to count to ten. One, two, three, four... It's no use. Before I can stop myself, a sob escapes me and I sink to the ground.
Loud, unnerving sobs rack my body as I mentally plea for some help. Screwing my eyes shut I look up to the ceiling, my body shaking as each sob becomes harder than the previous.
Is this the life you wanted for me father? Did you know your best friend would betray you in such a way? Did you know your daughter would be so weak she wouldn't be able to handle a simple death?
Nothing is simple about this. Dumbledore is dead and my guardian is the one who murdered him.
"Lily?"
Instantly I feel two arms around me as I shrink into a smaller ball. It's like my brain thinks if I can somehow reduce my surface area then I'll be able to disappear.
Ginny doesn't say a word to me, but just continues to hold me tightly as I try to calm myself down. It's okay. Everything is going to be okay. Nothing seems okay right now. But it will be okay.
Two grey eyes pops up in my head and I can't help but let out another sob. Malfoy was there the last time I said that mantra to myself and he comforted me. He made me feel better about my situation and I tried to do the same for him. The thought fills me with disgust. How could I have ever considered to be a part of this monstrosity? Why did I even bother spending a second of my time with him when clearly we are two different people. He is without a soul, a shell of a human being unable to feel remorse. What else can explain his ease in allowing this to happen?
How is he holding up after everything? Is he proud of the fact that his mission is successful or is he regretful about the fact it wasn't him who completed it? A half snarl, half snort of disgust escapes me as I shake my head. This is ridiculous. I'm driving myself insane. One second I've got everything together and can go about my day, but then something happens or I get a flashback to that moment and I just crumble.
"I can't do this," I mumble into Ginny shoulders as she rubs her hand on my back soothingly. She presses her cheek against my hair and gives me a tight squeeze.
"You don't have to. You don't have to do anything right now," Ginny says in a firm voice. Scoffing, I just shake my head at her again. If only she really knew what pressures lie on my shoulders then she wouldn't be saying that. But then would she think it's my fault that Dumbledore died? I was after all the other Death Eater in the school. I should have known Malfoy's plan, I should have been able to stop him. That aside, I should have known who my guardian is and stopped him.
"I'm serious Lily. Whatever you've got to do or think you've got to do, that can all wait. You're not okay right now. You need time to heal and adjust to... everything," Ginny says and I consider the thought that she has the ability to read minds. Ginny has no idea of the mission that I've been entrusted with. She doesn't know the sacrifices I've made for it. She doesn't even know that the real reason I'm breaking down so much is the fact that if Severus Snape is so cold and unable to fight for what's right, then perhaps I have no hope.
It's undeniable that both Snape and I are very similar, we both have a difficult time trusting people, we find comfort in knowing that we have control over a situation, we look out for ourselves first. Maybe that's all he's doing. Maybe he had to do it because the Dark Lord ordered him to do it.
No. That's no excuse. Dumbledore is the one person the Dark Lord is afraid of. He's the one source of information I had for the diamond, for my past because Merlin knows that Snape hasn't bothered telling me anything about my father or my family, despite the numerous opportunities. He'd rather have me believe that my father was unredeemable and he's the only person I can rely on. Selfish git.
"You just have to let go Lily," Ginny says gently.
"I don't know if I can," I admit in a small voice. Ginny pushes me away slightly, pushing my hair out of my face, and smiles at me. The fierce fiery encouragement in her look makes me smile. We're the complete opposites when it comes to family. She has loving parents, an endless supply of caring brothers, a shoulder always available to lean on whenever things got too rough. But then Ginny Weasley is also someone who is tough, stubborn and won't take no for an answer so in that respect we're quite the same. Our backgrounds might be massively different, but at the same time there is no one else I'd want comforting me in this moment.
"If there's one thing I know about Lily Argent is that she's able to get through just about anything. I mean she managed to get through life without me for four years so Merlin knows what else she can do!" Ginny says sincerely and despite it all, I let out a laugh.
"There we go. Just focus on the next task and before you know it you'll be able to get through the day without any troubles and then you'll be able to get through life without a second thought to any of this mess," Ginny says as she passes me a couple of tissues. I take them gratefully and wipe my nose.
My heart rate still refuses to slow down, but at least the uncontrollable sobbing has stopped. Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath and sigh. Ginny sits next to me on the floor and I lean my head against her shoulder.
"It's just hard... I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do this summer," I say in a low shaky voice. I can't go back to Snape's place. I don't even know if I'd be welcomed after everything and there is no way I'm going to spend the summer at Malfoy manor. That name is poisonous and I want nothing to do with it anymore.
"Wait, I didn't tell you?" Ginny says suddenly. My look of bewilderment must have answered her question as she gushes: "you're coming to the Burrow!"
It takes me a moment to process what she's said as I stare at my open trunk. Is it possible that George may have arranged for me to have somewhere to go? Is he behind this arrangement? The questions make my stomach flutter as another smile plays on my lips.
"It's Bill and Fleur's wedding as well. I think you met Bill last year at Christmas. Anyways you're going home with me and Ron tomorrow!" Ginny continues when I don't reply.
"Are you sure?" I ask in a small voice as Ginny just raises her eyebrows at me.
"Do you honestly think a certain someone would let you disappear for another summer after everything that's happened? Wait scratch that, do you think I would? There is no way I'm losing my best friend again!" Ginny shoots me a look but the glint in her eyes give her away. Grinning I give her a hug, my mood somewhat vanishing for the moment.
Maybe that's all I need to get through this. Friends to just remind me that everything will be okay and to distract me from all my problems in the meantime.
I still feel consumed by this darkness, but for a small moment, for a small glimpse I get to see a world that looks a bit brighter. A world that reminds me so painfully of the one I once knew. Hopefully the more glimpses I see, the easier it becomes for me to realise that this world still exists. I just need to find my place in it again.
"Did George really arrange this?" I ask after a pause, not daring to look at Ginny's eyes.
"And why would this information be of any importance to you?" Ginny replies wryly and I feel my cheeks redden slightly.
"He never mentioned it," I say trying to sound somewhat offhand, but it doesn't seem to work as Ginny smirks knowingly.
"Oh shut up," I say scowling, as Ginny's smirk grows. "It's not like I'm asking whether he's been talking about me or something!"
"Really? Because that's exactly what it sounds like you're asking," Ginny says and her expression tells me she's enjoying this a lot. I, on the other hand, have unwashed hair, red eyes, blotchy nose and probably look like a right crazy person asking about her brother like this.
"Al- He- I-" I stutter as Ginny laughs, unable to contain herself any longer. Glaring at her I give her a slight shove on her shoulder.
"He had been talking about you," Ginny says once she manages to compose herself again.
"Had?" I ask dubiously as Ginny just shrugs.
"He hasn't mentioned anything recently. Not since the funeral actually. I didn't even know he had the same plan as me until Fred mentioned it to me," Ginny says screwing her nose. "Something must have happened on that day to make him change I suppose?"
My face darkens as I lean back. The funeral was also the day that I told George everything about my past and mission, well every except for the fact that I became a Death Eater for all this. I don't think he would have reacted to that information very well. But did I just read everything wrong? Was he actually disgusted by my story and now wants nothing to do with me? Why else would he just stop talking about me?
It's crazy because since the funeral I can't stop thinking about him. I can't stop thinking about the way his eyes crinkle when he laughs or the way he scratches his ears whenever he's in deep thought about something. I can't stop thinking about how kind he's been to me, how from the very beginning, he's been helping me and keeping me grounded. Merlin, he even stopped me from running away earlier this year!
"But he couldn't stop talking about you before that!" Ginny says quickly as she glances at me.
"It doesn't matter that much," I say as Ginny gives me a pointed look. "Alright okay, it matters! But I really don't want it to matter," I admit in a small voice. I'm scared that I've rocked the boat since this is George's sister, but Ginny's just pursing her lips as if she's in deep thought.
"You know, I think he feels the same way. Like there's something holding you two back," Ginny says more to herself than me. "It could be your history, but both of you are okay now, so I don't see why it would be that. No... Maybe it's because of everything that's happened recently," Ginny trails off, but then her eyes widen in alarm as she glances at me.
"I don't know about that," I say reassuringly. It's sweet that she cares about triggering another one of my episodes, but at the same time I feel pathetic about the fact that everyone has to walk on eggshells around me. I hate that Snape is a taboo subject for me now. I hate that he had the power to do that to me. "All I know is that I don't even know what's going on right now. I wouldn't want to mess anything up because of something that's not real," I say as Ginny nods in agreement.
"That's smart. I mean I didn't want to ruin my friendship with Harry and he obviously wasn't ready until recently so I'm really glad that I just put friendship first. It's hard but sometimes for the best," Ginny says and I smile at her.
"Must have been really hard with all the many distractions you found along the way," I say wryly and it becomes Ginny's turn to scowl.
"A girl's got needs," Ginny says with a shrug but then catches my eye and we both end up in a fit of giggles. To think this girl found me crying uncontrollably and now here I am, laughing about something without a single thought about any of my worries or pain. It's moments like these that make me so grateful for finding Ginny. There's many qualities about her that I admire, but the main one is her ability to just be there for you unconditionally without ever pestering you to find out what's wrong.
"Alright come on, let's finish up here. I'm starving!" I say as I help Ginny up.
"Yeah I could guess that," Ginny says grinning as my stomach grumbles loudly. Rolling my eyes, I throw her one of my t-shirt which of course, she catches with ease.
****
"Are you sure this is okay?" I ask for the millionth time but this time both Ginny and George roll their eyes at me.
"Ask that one more time and I'll personally make sure it isn't," Fred threatens as he pushes past us. I watch his figure walk up to the Burrow and feel my heart sink.
"Don't mind him," Ginny says dismissively.
"No but seriously, none of you have even asked your parents!" I say in an exasperated voice. This plan is not going to work. I mean I don't even think Mrs. Weasley is my biggest fan right now considering I did break her son's heart. Staying here during Christmas was one of the most difficult things I went through and now I'm willingly putting myself through it all again. Come to think of it, I don't really have a choice. It's either be forced to turn up at the Burrow and hope all works out well or live on the streets because there's no way I'm going to Malfoy Manor or Sn- or back there.
"Lily! You're one of us okay. Plus mum will understand. You can't go back t-" Ginny says angrily but then stops as she leaves the sentence unsaid.
"Things are different now," George interjects, throwing his sister a dark look. Ginny recovers quickly and smiles brightly at me nodding. This plan seemed so good last night when I thought they both had actually gotten permission from their parents for me to stay over. Now it just seems like I'm asking to be abandoned again.
The pit in my stomach just worsens as we approach the door. Mrs. Weasley is already standing at the doorway, beaming at us all. She still hasn't noticed me as I've used the height of the Weasley boys as a good shield.
"Come on! Dinner is almost ready!" Mrs. Weasley calls as we get closer. George gives me an encouraging smile as Ginny hugs her mother.
"Mum, we were wondering if it would be okay for Lily to stay with us for a while?" Ginny asks causing the smile to vanish from George's face. I feel myself pale, as Mrs. Weasley spots me and give her what I hope looks like a grateful smile and small wave.
But seeing Ginny's confused look makes me think I just look constipated.
"Ginny I was supposed to ask," George says through gritted teeth and already I know this plan is going to go south. Ginny's always upfront and never beats around the bush making me wonder why George even thought she'd let him go through with his plan of schmoozing his mother.
Ginny's shrug confirms my thoughts, as I glance up at Mrs. Weasley. She's got an odd look on her face as her eyes keep darting between George and I. I've been using George as my main shield and so half of my body is hidden behind his arm. George glances down at me, his expression just as confused as my own.
"It will only be for a little while, until things get settled agai-" George starts but then Mrs. Weasley does something that surprises everyone. She claps her hands together and covers her mouth. To my alarm, tears brim her eyes, but before I can say anything, she pulls me into a tight embrace.
"Oh of course you can stay here! Stay as long as you like. It's going to be a bit of a squeeze with everyone else," Mrs. Weasley starts as she ushers us all in. Glancing back at George, he still looks confused but gives me an encouraging smile.
"It's supposed to be a surprise but I may as well tell you all now. Bill and Fleur are going to have their wedding here!" Mrs. Weasley beams at all of us and I have to stop myself from laughing as each of the Weasleys mirror each other in their looks of horror.
Fred drops the apple he was eating. "You're joking."
"No no dear, not joking. It's going to be simply perfect!" Mrs. Weasley says again completely unfazed by her children's reactions. Personally I'm just relieved that I have a place to spend the summer. I know both Ginny and George wanted this arrangement because it means that they can keep a close eye on me and make sure I'm okay, but I have no objections to their motivations. I need someone to keep an eye on me.
"And of course Lily dear you can come. You'll be with George I assume?" She says as she fusses with the dinner plates.
"Erm yes?" I say clearing my throat. Where else would I be? George and Ginny are my two closest friends so obviously I'd be by their side. But George's eyes widen at my response as Fred sniggers making me think I've said something stupid.
"Perfect! I'll see if Fleur doesn't mind changing around the seating so you two can sit together," Mrs. Weasley continues and suddenly George can't meet my eyes, his ears bright red.
"Mum, they're not together," Ginny says loudly and it dawns on me exactly what Mrs. Weasley was insinuating. My cheeks immediately warm as I hastily agree with Ginny.
"I just need a place to stay, I don't even need to come to the wedding," I say quickly trying to come up with any excuse that would make Mrs. Weasley believe that there's nothing romantic between George and I.
"Yes of course dear. You'll be at the wedding. I'm sure you'll be able to find a dress in time, if not Ginny dear has a couple spare," Mrs. Weasley continues completely oblivious to Ginny and I's objections.
Ginny raises her eyebrows at me and I know she's trying her best to keep a straight face. George doesn't even bother looking at me but pushes past me to go upstairs. Fred follows suit as I look to Ginny for some help or answers to her brother's weird behaviour. She just wiggles her eyebrows at me and nods towards the door. Smiling, grateful for the escape, I turn and follow her upstairs.
Dinner is just as awkward with Mrs Weasley, but eventually she gets the message that George and I aren't in a relationship. Her face of pure confusion made everyone giggle except George and I, who again couldn't even look at me.
But thankfully after dinner, everything seems to be okay between us as George pulls me aside to make sure I'm okay after all that embarrassment.
"I don't know what's come over her," George says rolling his eyes.
"It's okay, I know she doesn't mean anything bad," I say in a small voice. It's weirdly intimidating to be next to him. It's like for the first time I'm realising just how tall he is, but he's not gangly like Ron, more stocky and built. His ability to dominate a conversation and the space is something I was startled to find out today and it's still taking me a second to get used to it.
"So I'm going to tell Fred sometime soon; probably tonight." George drops his voice as his eyes dart around to make sure the hallway is clear.
My own mouth dries as I nod. It's time. Fred has to know and then we can get started on the mission. That is, if Fred agrees with it all and takes all the information just as well as George did. But knowing my precarious history with this particular Weasley member, I doubt it's going to be anything but simple.
"Any luck with finding out more about Tommy?" George asks not realising that this conversation is giving me severe palpitations. I'm not ready at all to consider what's ahead of me, but I know it has to be done soon. Time is not on our side and there's only so much time I can evade the Dark Lord before he starts asking questions about my whereabouts and motives.
Shaking my head George just burrows his eyebrows.
"No me neither. I think we need to have a better game plan for this. Maybe Freddie will have some ideas," George continues but his voice mutes in my mind as tears brim my eyes.
Thinking about the mission overwhelms me. I no longer have any real help with this. I have no one to train me to use my powers. Merlin knows that George thinks I should be glad to be rid of them. But there the only way I can get rid of the diamond, the only way I can make sure I finish what my father started, what he died for. I don't have the ability to do this. How could I have ever fooled myself that things could possibly be okay again?
Sna- He was right. I'm a child. I can't do any of this.
Now I've roped in George and he's going to tell Fred. The more people that know, the more people I have to disappoint. One thing my guardian got right was that the circle of trust must be kept small something that I'm clearly failing to do. The Dark Lord may as well know my plans as of right now, because it seems like I'm no longer the right person to carry it through. I was stupid to think that I ever was.
"Geo- Lily!" Fred's voice is the last thing I hear before darkness takes over me. I welcome it. Life would be so much easier for everyone if I just stayed in the darkness. If I wasn't here then they would be able to find someone else more competent to do it all. I'm supposed to be more stable here at the Burrow, but it's the opposite. This is not who I am supposed to be. I'm supposed to be stronger. I'm supposed to be able to get through this. I'm supposed to be a Fowler dammit!
Alarmed voices ring in my ears, but just like earlier my mind makes the choice to shut it all out. It's time I took care of myself first since my guardian has decided that is not a priority for him now.
The thought makes me angry. What kind of arrogant person would do this? Why am I letting him do this? I keep going back and forth with my feelings towards him. One moment I feel helpless and vulnerable, like fragile glass that's got so many cracks in it, it's no wonder it hasn't shattered yet. The next moment I just feel angry. I feel like I'm going crazy. I just want to have control again. I just want to know that everything is going to be okay.
Hands steady my head as I'm lowered to the ground.
I've been doing this for my father. He's been my motivator but now I have this new fire. It's like my head's been stuck under water and I'm finally able to break water to take my first breath. It doesn't mean that everything is going to be okay right this moment but it will be. I have to believe this, because I need to be the one to complete the mission. It needs to be me who destroys the diamond. I have to be the one to complete my father's mission. Because now there's a second person I want to do this for.
I'm going to do it Uncle Sev. I'm going to find the diamond. I don't know how it's going to happen, but you thought that you could sabotage my mission and I'd be okay with it? Well looks like neither of us really knew each other because once I find that diamond, I'm going to make sure you're the first to know that it's be destroyed. Even if it kills me, that's my vow to you Severus Snape.
***
My hand reaches out to grab the blanket and bring it closer to me. I don't know what time it is, but it must be very late. Either way I don't plan on waking up any time soon, so I just curl into a smaller ball and drift back into sleep.
"Is she awake?" a voice whispers.
"No I think she was just stirring."
Silence falls again as an owl's lonely hoots echo through the room. It's probably Pig. He doesn't understand what sleeping means yet and just seems to think everyone abandons him every night. That owl causes more problems than he's good for. Who knew I'd have something in common with that bird!
"Man this is a crazy situation," the first voice whispers again as the second sighs.
"You're telling me. But I couldn't let her go even if I tried," the second voice says. "I hate it. I hate what it's doing and I hate the fact that I never knew any of it. I mean I was such a prick-" the bitterness in his voice fills the silence his half-sentence created.
"Yeah well nothing new there right brother?" The first voice says filled with dry humour.
"So you'll help?"
"Of course."
"I can't condone your reasons behind doing this though. You did your whole thing like you wanted and I just think it's time to move on" the first voice adds and I can almost hear eyes rolling.
"There is no moving on. I can't. I tried. You know I tried. Twice, no wait three times. I can't do it," the pain in their voice makes my own body shiver as I turn to get more comfortable.
"Do you think she can hear us?"
"Probably," the first voice admits. "But the sleeping potion mum gave her was so strong I doubt she'll remember any of this."
"Good she's got enough on her plate as it is," he pauses, sighing. "She's really broken you know. I don't think she realises just how much this whole thing has effected her."
"He was her guardian right? You don't think they're related do you?"
"Are you having a laugh? Have you seen her?"
"Yeah but picture this: the real reason she can't handle it all because that's her actual family."
"Of course he was her actual family! He's her guardian!"
Silence falls again.
"You don't know what a guardian really is, do you?"
"Shut up," the first voice says heatedly.
"Idiot."
"Jerk."
"Fool."
"Nah that's you brother."
"Never spoken a truer word," the second voice says dryly.
"He's a git though."
"Slimy git."
A cough escapes from me. Weird. I wanted to laugh. The room stills again.
"You know I don't care how strong that potion is, I don't trust that one at all."
"You saw her. You know she's okay. Now let's get out of here. I think Verity needs the orders finalised by tomorrow."
"I swear she's got the hots for you. There's no way we got another 100 on the hats when we just dispatched the last lot a week ago."
"You, brother, just don't know how to manage as effectively as me."
"Oh is that right? Well you should kno-"
But I never got to find out what they should know as they quietly slipped out the room. Turning again and glad that the potion seems to helping me drift back into deep sleep, I can't help but smile at the thought of two squabbling twins making their way upstairs.
Little did I know it was just the one twin, with the other hovering outside the door just to triple check everything was okay.