I just love that song. And for those who donn't know it, it's by Taylor Swift. And I feel that it describes a lot of people. Like they're under all this stress and pressure, that they are really a total mess but no one knows because they smile and pretend like nothings wrong.
I do that. A lot. I feel like I need to smile though. Like it's the only reason I'm not having a total break down. I'm tired of people telling me who to be and what to do. I'm tired of them of trying to control my life. The smile I have is the only thing I feel that I control.
I have to worry about getting into honors everything just to please my parents. It's ridicules. How am I suppose to do that? The guidance concealer didn't even ask if I wanted that. She just started putting small H's next to everything she thought I should be honors in. And she put a H next to every subject. i was so annoying. I didn't have any say in what classes I would go to. What if I'm not honors material?
And I know everyone says I am. And that's the problem. They tell me what I am. And it just gets me piffed. How am I suppose to create my life if everyone keeps telling me what I should do and who i should be? It's not fair to me.
It feels like I have the wait of the world on my shoulders. And every time someone tells me what I should do it just gets heavier. I'm barely allowed to choose my friends. I'm barely allowed to choose the books I read in my spare time!
I basically have no say in my life. I'm just suppose to be some perfect daughter. I'm trying to jungle what my friends see, what my family sees, and what I see. I want it to be the same thing. But I don't want to see me through their eyes. I want them to see me through my eyes.
What difference does it make though? It'll never happen. Some times I listen to this song and think how much it sounds like it was written for me. Because it's exactly how I feel some times. What's the point anyway?
I spend all this time trying to be this picture perfect person, but in reality....I'm just a big mess. I try and try but I'm never good enough. No matter how hard I try. No matter how good my grades are. I'm just one big disappointment.
I'm tired of telling people things to. Every time I open my mouth, I worry I might say something that they'll use against me. And when I don't worry about it...that's when I slip up and say something. And thn have it thrown back in my faces. it feels like a slap. Like someone just struck me across the face when they use my words against me.
But I guess the worst is when they actually hurt me. Physically. It's not like they mean to, sometimes it's an acident, but others I know it's not. It doesn't hurt that much, but it hurts more knowing that they know they're doing it to me. I actually had bruises a few times. Of course they don't know that.
There's a lot they don't know. And probably never will know. Some times they make fun of what i do. What I like doing. I told a few about how I write on here and she made fun of it. That really hurt.
I think since I started writing on here I've actually improved on my writing. It built a little confidence. But I guess I'm not suppose to have confidence. I'm just suppose to be a doormat. That's what I call myself some times.
Someone who lets people walk all over them and never stands up for them-self. That'd be me. Someone who sticks up for others but never sticks up for herself. Ironic really. I have the nicest things to say about others and I will do anything to stand up for them. But I could never do that for me.
I had to write 3 interesting things about myself for homework one time. It was the beginning of the year. And I couldn't do it. I choose those stupid things say about themselves. Like I love dogs or something like that. How hard is it to come up with 3 stupid interesting facts about yourself!?
It was sad. I mean really, really sad. I didn't think anyone was that down on themselves. I guess that just proves how messed up I am.
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Author's Note
Yes, I know. It is extremely sad that I could not come up with 3 good interesting things abut myself. But don't leave any comments about it. I have enough self esteem issues already.
So anyway, there you have it. Another gloomy chapter. I'm back. my writer's block seems to have gone away for now. But it'll be back. Do you know how much I wrote today? I wrote this chapter and posted one that was 5 pages. I started 3 other chapters. And finished one of my songs.
Pretty good for one day I think. Don't you? Well thanks for reading as always. Bye :)
Your's Truly
Stargirl