A little bit of wisdom

That Feeling...

Okay, so I know I said I would be gloomy. But I don't know if I can. It's just...I don't want anymore gloom and doom. I had a rough day I guess. Actually might be kind of gloomy. I'll let you be the judge of that though.

So, I didn't know what to write about and I was listening to this song and i was just thinking: aw, this is so sweet. Because I'm one of those romantic girls(I guess you could say that). And I thought, this would be a good thing to talk about.

Well in the song the guy says he's in love, but I'm not going to talk about that. Maybe in a different chapter. I'm talking about that feeling, it's not love but it's more than like. It's like almost love.

Like you think you're in love, but at the same time you're too scared to call it that. It's that feeling. And it's not easy to come by. Because it's not a crush, but it's not falling head-over-heels.

And it's weird because you feel like you can tell them anything anything. But sometimes wish you hadn't. I know because I'm like that. Don't ask 'cause I'm not telling.

Anyway, he's really sweet and he cares about me and he's just such a great guy. But whenever he asks what's wrong, I always go in denial and say nothing. Because even though now I do have someone to tell those things to(like those times when you're upset and you want to talk to someone), I haven't had one of those for a long time.

I had one when I was really little. But then he moved. And I had to learn how to hold in all kinda of emotions that I would normally tell my friend. And after I learned how to and got really good at pretending like nothing was wrong; I got one of those friends I could tell what was bothering me.

So now I'm tore between the 2. I've drilled it into my head for so long, I don't know how to un-drill it. It's really hard sometimes. Because at moments I get really close to telling him, but then my old reflex comes back and stops me.

How do you unlearn something? That is my real question.

Anyway, I love this song. It's so sweet. How many guys would write a song for a girl they like? A few. Very few, in fact. And I love how he says "and I may feel like a fool, but I'm the only one dancing with you." I mean, that is SO sweet! He just loves her so much he's willing to forget everything that's bad about her and he's willing to make a fool of himself just to be with her.

How can you not think that's sweet? I know that it takes some pretty strong emotions or passion to write a song. And it write a song for someone....you have to really love them. I've written many songs.

Most of them having to do with self empowerment or liking someone. I'm not going to say love, but they could be about it. I don't really know. Maybe some of my crushes were love but others were just crush. And to be honest my crushes don't really last that long.

A couple weeks. Maybe a little less than 2 months at the most. If it goes over that I don't know what to call it. Because if it lasts over 2 months there is a very good chance that I won't get over them. And that's because they're probably a really, really good guy.

My sister one told me: All the good guys in the world are either taken, gay, or imaginary. And that may be true. Have you ever noticed yourself thinking how great it would be to meet someone like a character in a book? Or maybe day dreaming of the perfect guy?

And not to be prejudge-mental or anything, but I think gay guys would be nicer than a straight one. Because they can actually talk to you. About feelings and boys, how many guys are willing to sit through that? And if there is a good straight guy, how long is he going to be single?

I maybe there are some really good guys that aren't gay, taken or imaginary. But it's hard to find one. Am I wrong?  Isn't hard to find a good guy(not implied to straight males)? I don't bring up this to make fum of anyone. Who you like is none of my business. You can like and love anyone you want. I won't stop you.

And I hate it when people say someone's a faggot. That's just stupid. And rude. If you do, shut your face and mind your own business. If you don't, good for you. You still have my respect.

I remember last year, I had no idea what faggot meant. To be honest, I'm still a little fuzzy on the real meaning. I know it has something to do with being gay, but I'm not sure in the real definition. And I haven't even heard of that word until some people were talk about one of my friends. And it was pretty stupid because I was right there.

I wanted to go over there and tell them to put a sock in it. But another one of my friends stopped me. I asked them what faggot meant and they said I didn't want to know. For some reason my friends try to 'protect' me from things they feel I won't like or can't handle. And that's sweet, but when I want to know something, I'll find out. Then either remember it forever or pretend I don't know what it is and slowly forget about it.

I am a stubborn person. I got a dictionary to look up faggot, but it wasn't there. She still didn't tell me what it meant. And I never found out, besides knowing it has something to do with being gay. And I don't really care anymore. I'm still a little mad that people were talking about one of my friends in front of me. Who does that!?

Very few things get me piffed. And one of them is talk about my friends. You hurt one of them, you'll have to answer to me. And trust me, you don't want me as an enemy. I know a lot of people in a lot of places. I could make your life a nightmare.

But everyone sees me as that nice girl next door person. They don't take me too seriously as a threat. But they don't have a reason too. It's VERY hard to get on my bad side. So they really have no reason to see me as anything but that sweet girl in the front/back of the class.

So anyway, that wasn't too gloomy, right? Well if it was I'm sorry. I think I mentioned this before, but I apologize. A lot. Even to when I don't have to. But that's not a bad thing....right?

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Author's Note

I know most of you like to write, I mean, this is wattpad. Whatever you write, stories, poems, songs...it all has something to do with our emotions. I can't really express my feelings verbally anymore. So I used writing to help me.

I can write how I feel in a note or letter but I can't actually say what's wrong. Whenever someone asks me what's wrong, it's a reflex. I say nothing. Or i go with I have a headache. Which isn't a lie, but it's not the whole truth either.

Think about a time when something was bothering you and you didn't tell someone about it. How did you express those feelings?

Your's Truly

Stargirl

P.S

Some times it still bothers me. That people actually used my personality to mock me. I always thought they liked my personality. But I gues I was wrong. I think they like it now, even though I didn't change it.

Isn't that weird? How they like my personality, but they still use it to mock me. And while I never tell my friends this, I don't like it when they tease me. I've always been the butt end of jokes and I'm tired of it. But I'll just fake a smile and pretend like it doesn't matter. It's just my feelings right?