A little bit of wisdom

Complements

I'm positive you've gotten one, at least once. And they're really...they're good to hear. Some times you need to hear them. Everyone needs one every once and awhile. Just hearing something nice could change your entire mood. Just like hearing something bad things can change your mood.

But just hearing a complement doesn't mean it makes you feel better. Some times it makes you feel worse. And I know, that makes no sense. But It's how I work, okay?

Well, if you ask any one of my friends, they will probably tell you the same thing. So something along the same lines. That I'm smart, nice, artistic, pretty, amazing-whatever. They'll probably tell you I'm a great singer and write and all these other things. But hearing those things don't make me feel better.

I hear them, I know they are suppose to be good. But I just keep thinking about what other people say. Or, more importantly, what they don't say.

I can do something amazing, but it seems like....a disappointment in some way. Like they think I should've done better. And I feel that I'm never at that level they want me to be at. I'm just below average to them.

But it's still nice to hear it. That I'm smart. I've always wanted to be smart. I used to think I could be. But after awhile of trying to get these perfect grades and never accomplishing them...I kinda gave up on that.

I used to love being on the stage. Now I have stage fright. But I've been getting over that recently. But I still feel that I'm not there yet, that I'm still under average. That I'm still a disappointment in some way. And I just don't how how to be good enough.

And yeah, I know the old cliche. Doing you best and all that great stuff. Cliches are true, they're based off things that really happen. But...the thing about cliches are: you don't really believe them.

They're fictional. Only happen in the movies or in books. Never in real life. So why should I pretend like it's going to happen to me? That everything will rap up nicely in a big bow?

Life isn't easy. And I'm not here to give you some sob story. Because, who really listens to them? And I know I'm sounding bitter. But that's what happens to me. I've been inspired to write again. And gloom is my inspiration.

What can I say? I'm drawn towards the darker side of things, even though I see the brighter side of every situation. I'm weird. And that is the understatement of the century. Everyone's weird. I like learning about the gory details of things. I'm fascinated by horror. It's not uncommon. It's just uncommon for me.

You see, I'm not the kind of person you'd think would like all that stuff. By looking at me you'd probably think: strait A student, friendly, bubbly, always happy, always smiling. You'd think I'd be reading magazines and gossiping. You'd think she's Miss Popularity.

Because that's what I look like from the outside. This picture perfect person. When really, it's just a disguise. I love horror movies. Thrillers. I'm an armature actor who could probably fool you into believing that right is wrong and wrong is right. I can hold back any emotion I'm feeling and throw back the total opposite back.

When you hear about death and disease, it's probably gross and disturbing. I don't look at it that way. I don't think it's good, but I'm not fully convinced it's bad either. I'm drawn to the paranormal. To the impossible. I'm a complete mystery to most people. Maybe it's better if you do judge me into being this person that I look like. Save yourself the trouble of really figuring me out.

Once you see a glimpse of my life everything about me is different. I'm not something that is easily labeled. At least not after seeing part of the real me. I'm a mystery that can't be solved. Because I don't want people to. I haven't even figured me out yet. I'm learning new things about me everyday.