Charlotte
Grace was crying as if her heart was breaking. In a war, there was no shortage of that. Just the other day Mama and I had been to the village with Mr Lowell and the messenger boy had been delivering telegrams for the men killed on the front. Neither was I a stranger to Grace's tears. But this time, something about them seemed different. There was something afoot.
'Grace,' I said gently, when she had managed to compose herself a little. 'Whatever is the matter? I've never seen you cry so.'
'I'd rather not explain it here,' she said, her voice rough. 'Perhaps someplace more...private?'
'Of course.' I stepped away long enough to allow Mr Lowell to extract me from my coat. I took my hat off and handed it to him with one last apologetic glance over my shoulder at him and Papa, and then slid my arm around Grace's shoulders. 'The library's the best place for that.'
Once we were safely shuttered away, Grace backed against the settee, her eyes moving listlessly from the carpet to the window. I saw a sheen of tears, and managed to put two and two together. The only thing that made Grace cry as she did was Petey.
'Grace, please tell me what the matter is,' I said, after guiding her to the settee and helping her sit down. 'I want to help you.'
She jerkily pulled her hand out of mine and began to explain–she'd just come from visiting Petey at the hospital, to inform him of Lord Heacham and how things were proceeding here at home while he'd been away. He'd asked after Alf, the only degree of concern he'd shown. But the most noticeable thing about the visit was his coldness. He'd avoided her eyes, refused to take her hand, even treated her with something that resembled rudeness. She even mentioned something about a nurse, but by then she was in tears again, saying over and over that she felt completely useless now.
There was a thumping outside and then the door creaked open. The Duke's head poked around it, and his golden eyes were curious. He'd arrived here only three days ago, but I'd been too busy with the other soldiers to even snatch a quick quiet moment with him. I got the distinct feeling he was taking that chance now.
Grace straightened, swiping her cheeks with her palms. 'I'm sorry, Lottie...I don't mean to pile this all on at once...but I didn't know who else to talk to...and Peter being your brother, I...'
'I know,' I said gently, rubbing her arm. 'I completely understand. We're sisters in arms, Grace, remember that. I will never pass up a chance to fight for you, I want you to know that. Especially when it comes to Petey. He can be exceptionally hard to deal with.'
'Thank you, Lottie.' She took my hand and squeezed it. 'I suppose I should go explain to my mother what this is all about...I ran out on her.'
'Yes, of course.' We stood up together, and I pulled her into an embrace. 'And with any luck, you will be my sister-in-law at the end of this war, and all of this will be forgotten. Petey is infuriating at times, but I know he loves you. Never doubt that.'
'I don't,' she said as we pulled apart. 'I never did, it's just...'
'You don't have to explain to me. It's all right. Everything will be fine.' I smiled and gave her hand a reassuring squeeze in return.
She gave me a faint smile of gratitude and went out, nearly colliding with the Duke standing just outside the doorway. He apologised for being in the way, but I saw his true intentions.
'What are you doing here?' I hissed, seizing his wrist and pulling him inside, shutting the door decisively behind him.
'I've been here for three days, Lady Charlotte...' His expression of faked confusion irked me.
'Not that,' I snapped. 'I mean the library. How'd you even know I was in here?'
'Fortunate circumstances,' he said, taking a limping step towards me. The light hit the healing scar up the side of his face, and with his glowing eyes made him appear even more sinister. 'Surely you see that now.'
'That does not give you the right to follow me around all the time, Captain,' I said, deliberately using his title instead of his name. 'I've got things to do in order to keep your fellow soldiers comfortable.'
'What about keeping me comfortable?' He kept coming, forcing me to back up. 'I asked to court you with the intent of marriage, Lady Charlotte, and I assure you my efforts will continue.'
'I have much to do around here, Captain...' I began, but his free hand landed on my arm just as my back collided with the window. 'You cannot expect me to show preference to you.'
'Not in front of the others, of course.' His hand moved to my waist and his lips lowered to my ear, the warmth of his body curling over my skin through our clothes. 'But when we are alone...right now, for instance...I have your full and undivided attention.'
I meant to reply. I got as far as opening my mouth, but he beat me there, capturing my lips with his. The words flew from my mind. My hands drifted up to his lapels of their own accord, and he responded accordingly, pushing himself against me fully. His own hand moved, wrapping around the back of my upper thigh. He made a grunting noise in his throat, forcing his lips even harder against mine. I let him do it. All my rational thoughts had abandoned me.
He stopped punishing my lips and instead moved to my jawline, trailing kisses all the way down my neck and to my collarbone. I dug my fingers into his hair and sighed into his ear, and that was his invitation to pull me tightly against him, throwing his hips forward as he did so. And in that moment I realised exactly how far he was willing to go.
'Captain!' I gasped, bracing my palms on his shoulders and pushing him away.
His embarrassment was apparent as he staggered back, catching himself on the arm of the settee as his cane thumped to the floor. His ears and cheeks were bright red.
'Have you lost your self-restraint, Captain?' I said breathlessly, leaning against the window with my heart pounding. 'In my parents' library, of all places?'
'My apologies, Lady Charlotte, I must have forgotten myself completely...' He splayed a hand over his face. 'And I have missed you dearly...'
Immediately my resistance broke down. He'd mentioned that in his letters, and I regretted not taking him more seriously. 'Captain...'
'I have assumed too much...and by doing so I have placed an unacceptable amount of responsibility on you...'
'Captain.' I approached him, one step at a time.
'Except at the first sight of you, I do not know how you can expect me to think of you and not want to touch you, hold you, kiss you, worship you...'
'Henry.' I stopped in front of him, cupping his face in my hands. 'Stop now. You have been away for many months. I understand your frustration. I have felt it as well.'
'You are so pure, Lady Charlotte.' He reached up to touch my face. 'You exemplify all the beauty in this world. After everything I have seen in France, I...'
I leaned forward and kissed him gently. He stroked my cheek with his thumb. 'I am glad you are here. Truly I am. Every moment you were out of my sight was agony.'
'And the same for me.' He kissed me this time. 'Every time I wanted to escape the battlefield I pictured you.'
'I have loved you from the moment we first danced together, Miss Charlotte. I thought of you every minute since then. And I believe now that I am out of commission for the long term, it is only right that I ask you a very important question.'
'Important question?' I repeated, utterly bewildered. 'What is the importance, Captain?'
'Lady Charlotte Haywood.' He reached into the pocket of his tunic, and held out his palm. In it was a ring, with a single blue stone set into it. 'Will you do me, Captain Henry Bishop, fourth Duke of Tonbridge, the honour of becoming my wife?'
'Oh, Captain, I...' My thoughts tumbled around wildly. Of all the things I had been expecting to happen today, this was certainly not one of them. 'It's so sudden, I...'
'We live in a time of uncertainty, Lady Charlotte.' His eyes begged me to accept. 'But the only thing I know for certain is that I love you, and I want you in my life for as long as we both live.'
I hesitated. Mama would certainly be reluctant to welcome him into the family, carrying the blood of her enemy, as it were. And yet knowing everything I knew about him now–how she had helped him through rough times, took him as he was and nothing more or less–I couldn't possibly refuse. Not when he was asking me, from the bottom of his heart, to spend the rest of our lives together.
'Yes, Henry,' I said finally, lightly tracing the scar that sliced up his face. He tensed, but didn't pull away. 'I will marry you.'
He smiled, and kissed me as he slid his ring on my finger. I knew then I had made the right decision.
||
Petey came to us six days after the Duke's marriage proposal. I refrained from wearing his ring around my parents or the other soldiers, fearing I would get questions I wasn't willing to answer. And yet the love I felt whenever he looked at me or touched my hand made me blush, and I almost was willing to break down and take the questioning. And yet Petey's arrival, along with a letter that he was to be promoted in rank–second lieutenant, effective immediately–delayed it a bit longer. Just until I could muster up the courage.
Mama, of course, was overjoyed to have him back under our roof. She fussed over him so much that he actually ducked out from under her affections, skulking to his bed at the end of the row and sitting down sullenly on it as I hurried over to help the nurse bring clean sheets and pillows.
'Petey,' I said, as I helped him make the bed. 'There's something I've been meaning to ask you.'
'Oh?' He didn't even look at me, but I could hear the wariness in his voice. 'About?'
'What did you say to Grace to make her cry so much? She was in bits the last time she came from visiting you, and my only conclusion was that it was because of something you said. Or did.'
'Why do you want to know?' he asked, stalling for time as he tucked the sheets under the mattress with unnecessary aggression.
'For God's sake, Petey. That poor girl looks like she's about to shatter any moment. You push her emotions too far, especially with this kind of war on, and she'll be broken for good.'
'So you found out?' he said, answering a question with a question.
'Of course I did,' I snapped. 'Grace and I talk, you know. We women have to have friends, Petey. We're not all lone wolves like the men.'
'You seem to know everything,' he said waspishly. 'So why are you asking?'
'Because unlike you, Petey, I'm concerned for her!' I finally lost my temper, yanking the pillow from his hands. 'I cannot believe you, who used to pine after Grace and were completely non-functional around her, now tossing her aside without a second thought? She will love you, no matter what happens, Petey! Not that nurse, although you seem to think there is actually something between you.'
'Lottie.' He stalked around the bed and took my arm, his fingers like a vise. 'Keep. Your. Voice. Down.'
'I want you to tell me first what happened between you. Why did she come sobbing to me, and was barely able to talk about your nurse, whoever it is?'
'She isn't mine,' he hissed. 'And you were not supposed to know about that. Not even Mother knows.'
'So you're keeping secrets from all the women in your life now, are you?' I scowled at him. 'Who is this ever-so-secret nurse, Petey? Why is she so special to you?'
'Nothing's happened between us, if you must know,' Petey said, resigned. 'I met her twice, once two years ago after Vimy Ridge, and again, at the hospital down in the village, just while I've been there. I felt a connection with her, Lottie. She's seen what I've seen.'
'Yes, that's the best way to determine a connection,' I said, not even trying to keep the sarcasm out of my voice. 'You think that nurse is ever going to see you as anything but a patient? Do you think she's ever going to put your differences in status aside? Or tell me, do you think she's ever going to love you as Grace does, unequivocally and unconditionally? Because there have been plenty of other nurses who have been on the front lines, and you haven't said anything about them.'
'That's because Viola seems much deeper than that,' he said, not even noticing he'd used her first name. 'Sometimes it feels like Grace and I aren't even in separate countries, but separate worlds. I don't know what it is.'
'It's you, making it that way.' I crossed my arms. 'I know you think pushing her away is going to protect your feelings, but it won't. You'll need someone, Petey. Especially while you're recovering. And you can't say it's this nurse.'
'Then how do you suggest I start, Lottie, how?' His mouth was a tight thin line, and his eyes were fever-bright. When I didn't answer, he nodded, just a quick jerk of his head. 'I thought so.'
After that he spun on his heel and limped out, without a single look back.
||
Grace
I saw Peter pushing his way out of the drawing room with a dark look on his face, and that immediately set off the burning in my chest again. I'd tried to think of the love in his eyes, and his declarations that he would return and we would be married. But every time I'd gone back to the fact that he'd shut me out, and that made the tears gather in my eyes.
I turned away and struck out for the terrace. It was warmer today than it had been in a week, and some of the more mobile soldiers were sitting outside on the terrace, smoking, playing cards, reading the newspaper, or engaged in some other way. My feet took me straight to a tall figure leaning on a crutch standing with his back to me, a cigarette in his mouth.
'Henry?' I said, making him turn around. The moment he saw my expression, his turned to one of concern.
'Lady Grace. What is the matter?'
A sudden reluctance to share what had been happening came over me. I turned away quickly. 'Nothing, I was only coming to see if you were all right.'
'I know it is more than that, Lady Grace,' he said, and I wondered how he'd figured it out. 'You can tell me. I won't breathe a word to anyone else, I promise.'
'Is it possible for us to go somewhere else?' I looked around at the other soldiers, some glancing up curiously at us. I made eye contact with one over his paper, and hurriedly he looked away. 'The others are staring.'
'Of course,' he said, giving me his elbow. 'Steady me a bit, won't you? That is a valid excuse.'
I did, and we made slow progress across the sweeping lawn towards a large lone tree towards the garden. Its trunk was thick and knotty, but concealed us from the soldiers on the terrace. We stopped here, Henry sitting down on a root with some difficulty and rubbing his knee. I stood a respectful distance away, staring at the ground.
'I must confide in you, Henry, because I did not know where else to turn.' I trusted Lottie, of course, but she had a somewhat biased view, being Petey's sister. 'It's about Peter. I am afraid he has...lowered me in his affections.'
Henry's brow furrowed. 'Wherever did you get an idea like that, Lady Grace?'
'He has not spoken to me or looked at me since he arrived. He has not even made an effort to seek me out and explain everything.' I cursed myself for my selfishness. 'I know I am not his top priority, but...'
'I am sure that is not true, Lady Grace. He has simply been recovering, like all of our fellow soldiers. I grant it is not exactly a relaxing process.' He seemed to be making an effort to understand, which was more than Peter had done.
'You did not see the way he was when I visited him at the hospital,' I said, irritated that my voice caught. 'He was being attended by a nurse, and the way he looked at her...you'd have thought he was marrying her, not me. And when it came to me, he was cold, emotionless, even dismissive. I hardly recognised him.'
'Lady Grace, there is something you must understand. Peter is still a boy. Not far off of one, at least. He is still driven by urges. She simply had the misfortune of being the first woman he has laid eyes on in months. Believe me, there is nothing like the sight of a woman after being forced to spend all your time with unwashed men. Seeing Lady Charlotte...that is a breath of fresh air.'
I nodded and swiped at my cheeks with my palms. I hadn't even realised my tears had begun.
'Peter is much like me in that sense. He has not received the attentions of a female for a long time. And undoubtedly this nurse, whoever she is, is the first woman to pay him any attention, even taking the time out of her work schedule to speak to him and treat him like a human being and not just another patient. Naturally any man would leap at that chance.'
'Surely that doesn't explain all of it.'
'Alas,' he sighed, tugging at the knot in his necktie. 'It does not. You see, Lady Grace, we tend to gravitate towards those who have been through similar experiences. It is human nature, I believe, to know that someone close to you knows what you have been through. Sometimes it is simply not enough to make attempts to understand, because there is no time to go back and explain everything. It is a shared trauma, this war, and for those who have fought it, the experiences are quite unlike anything that ordinary civilians have ever seen.'
'That gives him no reason to push me away,' I said, although I couldn't deny it. That gave him every reason to push me further from him, and to pull this nurse closer.
'You're right, it doesn't.' He took my hand and squeezed it gently. 'He will see reason soon, Lady Grace, believe me. He will know that he needs someone, and that he needs to be grounded. That nurse cannot give it to him. She has seen too much. But you, familiar and with all the comforts of home, what remains of the life he knew before the war, can. You must give it time. Eventually, he will come to see things the way you and I do.'
||
I saw him again the next day, coming out of the dining room at a fast limp, a grim determination set on his face as firmly as though it had been chiselled on it.
'Peter!' I remembered what Henry had told me, and I followed him when he brushed past me without even seeing me.
He kept walking without a look back. That made a hot anger grow in my chest, and I marched after him and caught his arm. He spun around, irritation flaring in his eyes.
'What?'
'Why are you ignoring me, Peter?'
'I'm not,' he said curtly. 'I was going to get some kip. I'm knackered.'
'Tell me what's going on first, Peter.' I tightened my grip when he tried to pull away. 'I want to help you. I know you think pushing me away from you is better, but it's not. I can see there's something wrong, but I can't help you unless you tell me what it is.'
'There's nothing wrong. And how can you help me, Grace? How, possibly?'
'I won't know until you tell me, or show me how.' I caught his chin, turning his face towards me. 'At least give me some direction, so that I can guide you. I want to help you, Peter. I want to believe everything you said when you proposed to me.'
He didn't move at those words, but simply stared at me instead, his expression unreadable.
I cupped his face. 'Peter?'
'I don't...' he said, and then sighed a heavy and world-weary sigh. 'I don't know what I should be believing anymore, Grace.'
'Oh, Peter.' I pulled him into an embrace.
Tentatively his arms slid around me, and he dropped his cheek to my hair. I felt an immense sadness weighing me down. He was not the boy I'd known since childhood anymore. That boy was gone, replaced by a broken and hopeless man who no longer believed in the good of humanity anymore. And until that moment, I had never understood the depth of that change.
||
Peter
I thought about Grace's words all the next day, limping around on my still-healing leg. I want to believe in everything you said when you proposed to me, she'd said. I wanted to as well. Her love was the only thing that made any sort of sense in this world, because the killing, the fighting, and the hate all seemed useless. I did not even understand what it was for.
Instead I let the memory of the day I'd proposed to her take me. She had come from London early with Aunt Cath to help with the recent influx of soldiers coming to convalesce. I was on a weeklong leave, and had stayed in London a couple extra days to buy rings for my proposal. I was keenly aware that this chance could have been the last, and I wanted to make it worthwhile. When I found her, she was having breakfast in the morning room with Mother and Aunt Cath.
'Grace,' I'd said, grasping her shoulder and making her whirl in her chair, startled. 'There's something very important I want to ask you.'
Her brow furrowed, and she seemed mildly confused. 'Really?'
I took off my cap and smoothed down my trousers, lowering myself to one knee as I did. Mother and Aunt Cath both covered their mouths, probably to hide their smiles, as I took Grace's hands in mine and kissed each gently.
'Grace, I know things haven't been easy lately, with the war and everything.' I hoped this sounded as good coming out as it did in my head, because I'd run it over in my mind at least a hundred times on the way home. 'But there is one thing that is easy, and that's been loving you. I've never doubted your love for me, and although our start may have been rocky, it has grown into something I've come to cherish. And seeing you happy makes me happy, happier than I ever thought I could be.'
'Peter, I...' She swallowed hard. 'I don't know what to say.'
'You know it has always been you, Grace.' I released her hands to cup her face. 'Always.'
She smiled and looked down, blushing.
'Lady Grace Fullerton,' I said, reaching into my pocket and taking out the ring box. I opened it and presented it to her. 'Will you do me the honour of becoming my wife?'
'Yes, Peter, yes.' She smiled, more radiant at that moment than ever. 'I will marry you.'
She gave me her hand to allow me to slip the ring on, and then cupped my cheek. I caught hers between my hands and kissed her, wanting nothing but the feel of her lips on mine and her soft cheeks in my palms. Both our mothers applauded, and Grace's skin heated. I was sure the both of us were blushing, but I didn't pull away to see.
I sighed as the memory ended. Even when she'd been angry with me, I'd spotted it on her finger. Bugger. I'd been too caught up in my emotions to notice.
So after dinner, when the soldiers had dispersed to relax before bedtime, I asked one of the nurses to fetch Grace for me. I settled myself by the fire in my wheelchair, a blanket draped over my knees, staring into the flames and wondering how I was going to even broach this subject. I would understand perfectly if she didn't want to speak to me at all.
'Peter?' Her voice came from beside me. 'You asked for me?'
I nodded. 'Sit next to me for a while, Grace. Please. I insist.'
She did, pulling a footstool close to me. I noticed how the firelight turned her eyes and skin golden, as though she was glowing from the inside. Her fingers twisted in her lap, throwing sparks of light off her ring. At the sight of that, I knew where to start.'
'Grace, you were right, about before. I know what I did was wrong, and I was well aware that it would hurt you.'
'Why did you do it, then?' Her eyes were suddenly brimming with tears. 'Why me?'
'I don't know,' I said honestly, as her tears escaped. It made my guilt grow. 'I forgot everything but who I was in that moment.'
'And who were you?' She held my eyes, her face half-shadowed.
'Just a soldier, talking to a nurse. Two people who had seen horrible things and wanted to forget.'
'And you felt you couldn't talk to me,' she said, turning away. 'That I had suddenly become someone else in your eyes.'
'No, Grace.' I took her hand. 'Perhaps it is I who has changed for the worse. You make me better. You are the only thing that ever has. I love you for that, and I love that you want to help me. Never doubt that it will change.'
'You have been through a horrible war, Peter. And it still isn't over. I understand now why you would want to push me away.'
'I never wanted to push you away, Grace, and I'm sorry. I let my emotions run away with me, and it hurt you in the process. I promise you I will not let it happen again, especially when it comes to what happens between us.'
She squeezed my hand gently and kissed my knuckles. 'I trust you, Peter. I always have.'
'I know.' I returned the gesture. 'We will be married after this war is over, I promise.'
She nodded. 'I know. I never once doubted it.'
We sat quietly for a time, Grace occasionally wiping at her eyes. I turned away, even though I hated myself for it. I'd caused all this, and I wished there was something I could do to make it right.
'I'm sorry, Peter, I shouldn't cry, but...'
'You have every right, Grace.' I turned back to her and wiped a few tears away with my thumb. 'I will do my best to make it up to you, in the days following.'
'Well, you mustn't worry about it now,' she said, folding my hand between both of hers. 'You must be knackered.'
'All I've got to do is recover,' I said. 'It is you I see on your feet all day.'
'Henry told me that is not exactly a relaxing process,' she said. 'I'll push your chair back to your bed, if that's all right.'
I nodded. She began to guide the chair in that direction, and after a moment of silence, I asked, 'Is Alf coming here to convalesce any time soon? I haven't seen him since he was hurt.'
Grace sighed. 'Yes, soon. But our mothers have been talking about how much paperwork they have to slog through to get him here.'
'Paperwork? What kind?'
'They did not elaborate. Something to do with his records, or some other thing.' She stopped at the end of my row, and as I stood, her hand landed on my arm and gave it a squeeze.
'Thank you, Grace, truly.' I took her hand and kissed it again. 'And I am sure that when he does come, we will all be happier.'