Connor's P.O.V
I was lying about everything.
Why couldn't he see that I don't want him to go?
Because you didn't tell him your feelings! You were just being the little coward you are!
Since you were being a little coward, you are loosing the boy you love!
Nice going idiot!
I let my thoughts roam around in my head, controlling me in every way.
On my bed, frozen, because the person that made me the happiest, left me here in this room, alone. And he will leave me again probably, to be alone.
You are going to be alone.
Letting go of the tears that were pushing to make their way down the whole time James, I curl my hands into fists to cover my wet teary-filled pupils and sob straight into them.
"I-I don't-t want-t you-u to-o go-o!Ple-ease sta-ay-y! I-I love-e you-u!" I was being a crybaby mess, shouting loud but I didn't care because I knew the others weren't hearing me.
Loosing control of myself, I wasn't having control over my breathing or exhaling, so I ended up breathing to deeply, that my throat started to hurt from all the air it was taking in.
I began to choke and cough, but then it slowed down, still I was left with nothing but tears blocking my vision, and little bit of breaths now.
Why doesn't he see I love him!?
I feel numb, senseless even, because all I'm doing is looking at a blank space and feeling pain that I don't know how to describe.
"Darling-g won't you-u stay-y?" I whisper with those final salted drops leaving off my face, and allow negative words run over me.
You are crying over a guy that won't see you love him, but also that won't love you.
"Ple-ease?" I sounded like an inaudible human because you could only a squeal from me with a shaky tone, and that was all.
I stayed like that in that way for a while pretending that I was comforted in someone's arms, but if only they were his arms.
Pulling myself together, I breathe in one last time, drying my face up, it was one more time that I had to act like I was okay, and the usual happy, bubbly self I always am.
But it's just too hard right now.
Do it.
I knew I had to do this for me, my two bestfriends, and especially the guy I love with all my heart because I didn't want them to worry about me again, since all three of them know why I was sad in the first place now, I don't want that again.
I want them to know that I'm okay.
Even though your not.
I cleaned my throat because I didn't want the three of them to think I was crying again, by hearing my trembling voice, so that is when I had to put a mask on of "happiness and giggles."
Although it hurted behind the mask, covering my real emotions.
Keeping that usual chirpy expression, I rose up from my only safety net that I have, and that was my bed.
Atleast it won't leave me.
James will leave you.
Taking light steps towards my washroom, due to not leaving my mattress since yesterday, I am pretty sore but I was still able to move.
But I still just want to be locked in here, protected by my bed and blankets, to not see the tall muscular guitarist's face just to be reminded that he will probably be gone.
Far away from you.
Going to the toilet, I did my buisness, brushed my teeth, and washed my face to take away the dried up tear drops that had stayed on.
I didn't bother fixing my strands of broomy hair, so I stared at the reflection of myself with an invisible sound that was creeping behind me, and kept repeating the word "coward" that I kept hearing.
"Stop-p." I begged for it to not continue, while shaking my head, until everything stopped.
I breathed a sigh out, and looked at me to see if I needed to readjust the image I had on my front, I did.
One phoney happy look coming right up.
Changing the dead, heartbroken, emotionless, numb face I had and putting that fake bright, illuminating smiley mask on, I got out of the room where I take a shower, and stepped outside the place where I have been kept inside since last night by twisting the knob to open up my door.
I then took account of still having the same clothes I had on yesterday, but I didn't really care like with the mop on my head, only because I don't have the ability to care right now.
The person I have in my thoughts right now is the twenty-three year old, and it will be a challenge trying to get him out, but I don't want to.
And that is because I want him to still stay.
Going from my shielding bedsheets, to the never-ending walking down the steps to the kitchen.
Smile.
I had to remind myself right before going in there to see my two bestfriends, and the person who makes feel like a fool everytime he would cause me to smile.
I sticked a believable look on, and entered with all the boys' eyes on me as soon as I walked in, making it not easy being strong infront of them without breaking down, and going to the blue-eyed boy's embrace pleading him not to go.
"Finally you're out, Tris and I thought we were going to have to go up there again, and literally pull you out of the bed." the brunette joked, giggling with being sat at the kitchen table eating an omelette with his lanky boyfriend.
Whereas the buff guitar player was located at the stove, keeping his word, making me an egg creation, keeping his pupils on me, but he was quiet for some reason.
"Yeah, I was ready to carry you out." the skinny blue-eyed drummer then joined in with a a chuckle from him and the Brummie because of his comment.
I did the same, forcing it to make it seem like I was going along with their laughter, but it seemed like the two lovers payed attention to that because they both ended up questioning me.
"Con, are you okay? You don't look like you are still." concern was in expression and tone , when he asked that directly towards me.
Because he knows I'm probably not okay still.
" Yeah-h, I-I am. Why-y wouldn't I-I be?"I so didn't want to answer the question that was thrown at me, so I came up with an excuse that I was, displaying my acting skills.
Your not.
"Just asking, that's all." Bear simply stated, shrugging his shoulders.
"Are you positive?" Followed by Tris, questioning me too like he was some sort of police officer.
"I'm-m sur-re." Clarifying once more, to try to make them understand, acting away all the pain I'm hiding, that is still aching within me.
Your not fine.
"Guys, can you leave him alone? If he says he's fine, then he is." the sandy-haired boy started defending me, during moving the pan on the stove with the yellow mixture in it.
I'M NOT FINE!
I was expecting a remark from the couple, but they both kept their mouths shut, and I think it had to due with the fact that how my bestfriend saw me last time.
"Con, your omelette is almost done. Take a seat with you?" Jems instructed, but his voice sounded like it was laced with sadness and anger.
You could also see it in his expression.
But why?
I brushed that off, but I didn't want to sit down, I didn't wanted to be in the same room with the boy that means everything to me, if I was going to crack right infront of him and the other two.
"You know-w what-t? I'm-m just-t going to-o go-o get-t coffee, from where-e you took me yesterday-y. You can just-t put it in the fridge, I'll eat-t later-r." I explained, because I just want to get away from everything right now.
Plus I want to see Erick right now, I really need his advice and support at this moment, I didn't even call him yesterday, but I feel like it's best if I told him this in person.
"Um, okay. Hurry back soon then." flashing me one of his grins, but it wasn't his usual one where he looked very smiley, and how it would always make my tummy burt, it was serious. It almost seemed like he was hurt.
"I will-l. Bye-e guys. I'll be-e right- t back." waving bye, the twenty-three year old connected my eyes will his, making me wish he hadn't because it killed me inside.
Turning around quickly, to the living area to open the exit to get out of the house, tears streamed downward, but atleast I'm glad this didn't happen infront of them.
Now that I am out, I let my eyes get blocked by salted water drops but I still saw where I was headed.
I am walking towards the nearest bus stop, because I really need a friend right now to listen to my thoughts, and Erick is it.
~
James P.O.V
I had to pretend every was alright, but it's not.
I know now, that the bassist with ocean blue orbs won't like me too, wants me to leave, and thinks me as a friend only.
Because I know he is going to the cafe to see that "Erick" guy, and I was so naive to think they were just friends.
I shouldn't have left him alone!
But you did, and he will forget all about you.
He will be fine just without me then.
It's loud and clear now what I have to do, because I heard his message loud and clear.