Part 30: -
May Twenty-Eight.
Elianna’s POV
“Elianna Borthwick” My therapist shouted.
I was nervous to say the least. I had to tell her the truth today and I couldn’t even bring myself to admit the truth. I was scared. I was terrified of the outcome. Today could see my life take a drastic turn. I could be put on anti-depressants or I could be told to go home and just have a think about things. In reality, I don’t even know what I want. Do I want pills? Or do I want it done naturally? I couldn’t even tell myself the answer. However, whatever answer I was thinking, I couldn’t even formulate as to how I got there. I was muddled. I was confused and even more.
“So how are you feeling?” She asked as we sat down.
“Numb” I shrugged.
“Numb how?”
“I feel nothing. I walk around as if…” I said trailing off.
“Like how?” She asked further.
“I just feel as if I’m not here. Not on this planet” I admitted.
“So how do you feel?”
“Like how?”
“Like, do you feel numb all the time? Are you emotional sometimes? Do you go up and then down? Or are you just neutral?”
“I don’t even know. I cry randomly at times over nothing. Yesterday, I had a photo shoot and afterwards, I sat down and cried over nothing. Greg tried to console me but nothing was working. No one’s words could get through to my head. It just felt like one big circle” I sighed.
“Do you ever feel like you’re not wanted?”
“Sometimes. I know Greg loves me, since he says it repeatedly but it often feels like it’s not true. I know it’s only been two weeks since I last saw you but it just feels as if I’m just a waste of space to everyone. I feel like I’m a burden” I shrugged.
“What do you do when you get these feelings?”
“I try and shrug them off or busy myself into other things. Normally they include talking to my friends about something completely random. Or as of late, packing”
“Do you ever starve yourself or bury yourself too deep into something that you forget to eat?”
“Nope. However, Greg does that. He doesn’t eat for hours on end. He can’t sleep much either, he always has these nightmares of the nightmare”
“That’s not what I asked. Take Greg out of this conversation for a second. Do you not eat?” She spoke once again.
“I eat. Sometimes an arm and a leg. I’m always hungry. Something I never was” I replied.
“OK, that’s a good thing. Do you ever have these recurring images flash through your head?”
“I have nightmares sometimes. That’s it really”
“What are they about?”
“Just about the attack. They’re mainly about them finding my again, them hurting me again and killing my loved ones”
“What do you do when these happen?”
“I usually grip onto Greg until they’ve passed. They aren’t frequent but they come and it hurts” I shrugged.
“How does Greg feel about everything that’s happening to you?”
“He says I have depression because I feel numb and I’m always breaking down over nothing. He thinks that I’m going to have to go on medication to help me control everything. Because there are times where I just feel like it’s best if I just leave and be gone. There’s no in between anymore” I spoke.
“Greg is right about a few things. You have signs of depression and you are going to have to go on to medication to help you sort things out. However, you I am going to have to continue therapy with you, there’s no doubt about that” My therapist spoke.
“What can I do about Greg?” I asked.
“What about him?”
“He goes periods of not eating and we’ve tried being stern with him but he’s not eating still. Then he can’t sleep either. He says he is sleeping but I lie awake, after he’s gone to sleep apparently, but he’s not actually sleeping. His heartbeats too fast and regular for someone sleeping. And when he does sleep, he has these nightmares. He won’t tell me what they’re about but when he has them he’s shouting in his sleep and he’s rolling all about the place,” I explained.
“Is Greg with you?”
“Sadly no. He’s busy helping pack up the boxes from my house into van”
“I’ll send out an appointment for him. I think it’s best for him to see me because of what happened last time”
“What happened last time?”
“Someone posed as his therapist for the day. It was on his day and then none of the other patients - who’re regulars - was seen again. They’d been dismissed as if they weren’t needing treatment again. However, I shall send a letter out for Greg but here’s a prescription for anti-depressants and go make an appointment for a weeks’ time. Remember, once a day. I’ll see you in a week,” My therapist said, dismissing me.
I hated Greg for being so right. However, with him seeing my therapist, maybe things won’t get so confused in his brain. Maybe he’ll actually get the help he sorely requires. Because these nightmares and the way he’s dealing with things aren’t healthy. He’s not healthy. His mind isn’t healthy.
The taxi pulled up to the new house and the van was there. The boys were unloading while Ella was stood there with Jonah. I know it’s a tad sexist but hell, if Ella and I tried to lift those boxes, we’d be on the floor. Not that I was calling all girls weak, we just didn’t have the best upper body strength as the men did.
Walking up the path, after I paid the taxi was strange. Normally it’d be stairs I’d be walking up but when it’s a path, that’s when you know things have actually changed. Not that I’m weird or anything but when you’ve walked the same set of stairs for the last three years, you’ve got nothing better to do than happy dance to yourself in the time of the move.
“Hey Elianna” Ella said.
“Hello”
“So how did the session go?”
“Well, I’m on anti-depressants and I go back in a week to be checked up on” I said.
“That’s good. At least you’re getting help though. We still on for tomorrow?”
“Yeah, although, I’ve still to tell Katie”
“We’ll say tomorrow, that way she can’t make a scene in front of the boys”
“Yeah. Oh, Greg’s to see my therapist” I said.
“Ooh, how come?”
“I told her about how he wasn’t eating and he kept having these nightmares, which resulted in him not sleeping and whatnot”
“At least he’ll be getting help now. That’s for sure. Are you going to tell him?”
“Nope. I’ll let the letter come through for that to happen. My therapist knows we’ve moved so the letter should come here”
“You’re too smart for your own good” Ella laughed.
“I learned from the best” I smirked. “So, what time are we leaving tomorrow?”
“Ten in the morning will do. That way we can get there and it won’t be suspicious”
“Good thinking” I laughed.
As Greg, Dan and Micky were unloading the van, along with two removal people, I noticed that Greg looked seriously thin than normal. He said he’d been eating but in all honesty, it looked like he hasn’t. He looked as if he’s malnourished. I know he’s been picking at his meals but right now, he looked as if he hadn’t been eating as all.
Thinking realistically on how Greg looks, he looks like a scrawny boy who hasn’t eaten in months. He looks like he’s never had the nourishment as a child. And it’s all because he got involved with me. I’m a bad luck charm on everyone I’ve met and that’s not many. Greg was pulled in my crap. Ella, Micky and Dan were pulled into it. They have to listen to me whining constantly, they have to deal with my random outbursts of tears and everything else that comes with being this damn broken.
Once the last box was off the van, the three boys jumped with joy. It was as if being a hard worker was a bit too much. I know they were only joking and that they loved moving to a quieter area but sometimes I wondered if things had become too much for him. For Greg I mean. Like one minute he has this happy life with Maria and then the next he’s in an unhappy relationship with me. It’s as if he’s got the short end of the stick and forced into things. I know I shouldn’t be thinking of that but when your life is one short minute of being gone, what are you meant to do? Lie and be happy or just accept the fate that’s given to you? And I’m doing the latter.
My life has been nothing but complicated and now I’ve done the worst and messed someone else’s up because of the people I decided to rely on as friends. My family weren’t the easiest either. I had a mother who didn’t love me and just squandered me for money to help her have this lavish life. Just so she could meet other celebrities and try to get away from my dad. Except that didn’t happen. She became pregnant again and again to my siblings. I guess having that and then being messed around by some psychotic people really has me messed up. It’s like this was meant to be my life.
“Hey babe,” Greg said as he made his way towards me.
Ella raised an eyebrow before walking off towards Micky. “Hey, how was unpacking the van?” I asked cheekily.
“Tiring. I feel like I don’t have the muscle to do work anymore, you know. I feel like my whole life is just one big massive circle and that there’s nothing I can do,” He admitted.
“Greg, I know you’re going to murder me on this but I spoke to my therapist and she’s booking you in for an appointment since your therapist was a phony. I think she’s worried for you,” I spoke clearly.
“Elianna,” He spoke throaty.
“Greg, it’s for your own health. Come on, you’re basically skin and bones. You’re not you anymore. You can’t sleep, you can’t eat and you have nightmares of something and it’s killing me knowing I can’t help you. You just admitted two seconds ago that you don’t feel like yourself, so why not go to someone who’s willing to help?” I retaliated.
“Elianna, I don’t need your help. I’m perfectly fine,” He angrily snapped.
“We all know you’re not. You have dark bags under your eyes, your skin’s lost its colour, your muscles are weakened, your ribs are on show, you’re so restless when you’re trying to sleep, you talk in your sleep, punch in your sleep and scream in your sleep. And you say you’re fine? I don’t think so.”
“Well, I don’t need your input,” He snapped.
“Well, I don’t need you then,” I stated before walking off.
Katie and Ella were eyeing me weirdly as I walked away from Greg with a look on my face. I knew it was wrong to probably get so infested in his life but when you’re in love you tend to care so much about the other person. I guess that’s what happened to me and now I’m totally bummed. He wants nothing more to do with me and I guess he’s right. No one needs me; I’ve never been the one to be wanted.
Walking towards the bedroom was to share with Greg, I realised something. Now that we’re not together anymore, there was no need for me to be here anymore. It’s not like anything was holding me back. Maybe there was friends and my family but it’s not like they care. My mum thinks it’s my fault she lost the baby and my dad follows her every move because he ‘loves’ her. My brother and sister don’t even know any better. They’re too young to even understand things. It’s like my parents wants them to suffer just as much as they made me suffer. Well, that’s a bit false but I think my mum wants them to suffer as much as she made me suffer.
Sitting down on the bed, I took in a deep breath. There’s no hope for me, is there? Life for me just wasn’t meant to be. My boyfriend’s just told me that I’m not meant to be there sticking my nose in his business and I just feel as if my friends are just being fake. I know that’s probably false but it’s just how it is.
There’s only one way out now. One way out that needs to be done.
Greg’s POV
“You stupid, narcissistic wanker. Do you realise how badly that girl cares about you?” Ella spat sourly.
“If she cared she wouldn’t have gotten her nose stuck in my business,” I retaliated.
“She did it because she fucking cares about you. You think we all don’t see how badly you’re hurting be we see. Your best friends see you withering away as if you’re nothing. You have fans out there who think you’re their hero. You’re their hero because you’ve gone through so much and came out the other end. But you’re acting like a self-centred jerk right now and you’ve just gone and probably killed the only person who truly loved you,” Katie spat venomously. “You think you’re so high and mighty because you want to be a man but you’re nothing but a fickle human being who just doesn’t want the help he needs. If you’ve hurt my best friend you better run and hide because I will be coming for you,” Katie then threatened before walking off.
Should I be scared or not? I really don’t know. I just don’t. One minute I’m fine and in a happy mood and then the next I’m just down and really angry. You’d think I’d learned my lesson with being with Maria but I guess I just can’t help myself. I’m always destined to be without anyone. It’s inevitable. It’s who I am. It’s who I’ll always be.
“What have you done?” Micky spoke.
“Killed the best thing that’s happened to me,” I replied.
“Greg, she’s not dead,” Dan spoke.
“She may as well be because I feel like utter crap. I feel like my whole world has been torn apart. And I know it’s my own fault. I am really destined to be without anyone in my life, no friends and definitely no girlfriend.”
“Hey, we’re still your friends, we always will be. There’s no doubt about that. We love and care about you, just as much as that girl does. You might be feeling as if the whole world is on your shoulders but just know that we’re here for you and we’re here until the end of the earth. Elianna did what she thought was best for you. She’s done what you’re scared to do and it might be best if you go and see the therapist because you’re tearing yourself apart trying to get up on the podium. You’re trying to be he-man and that’s something that you should stop trying to be and let the pain wash over instead of supressing it,” Micky spoke softly.
“I can’t. I just can’t,” I spoke tears brimming my eyes. “Every nightmare is about her, every thought is about her and the pain is for her. What they did sickens me daily. It makes me feel like I’m just not worthy of being here. They abused Eli and beat me, and I just can’t find it in myself to remain normal. Love isn’t meant to feel lonely but I feel alone when I’m with Elianna. I feel like we aren’t in a relationship anymore. Even though I love her so damn much, I feel like it’s a one sided relationship.”
“Greg, that’s ridiculous. Elianna loves you and she’ll always love you. She cares about your wellbeing and wants you to be healthy. Of course, you’re going to be fucked up but that’s understandable especially because of what you went through. But your girlfriend loves and cares for you, she’s not doing this to hurt you, she’s doing it to help you. She’s -,” Micky began.
Ella came running out with tears in her eyes. “Someone phone an ambulance,” She cried.
“What happened?” Micky asked panicked as he ran to her.
“She-She attem-attempted sui-suicide,” Ella stuttered.
“Who did?” Micky asked.
“E-Elianna. Th-there’s b-blood a-and v-vomit. W-we have to hurry,” She hiccupped.
Instead of standing around, I rushed towards our shared bedroom and towards the bathroom. I knew she wouldn’t have done it on the carpet and the only place I could think of was in the bathroom, and I was right. Katie was holding her close and crying. Blood was oozing out her wrists while she lay in a mixture of vomit and blood. And then I realised, I was the cause of this. I was the reason she decided to end things. I’m such a failure, I’m such a shitty human being and an even worse boyfriend. I wish I could rewind the clocks, I wish I could not say the things I said but I was angry, I was scared. I felt like she’d betrayed me for the trust in her therapist. Sometimes anti-depressants don’t work, they make you feel worse before you actually get better and even then, you’re stuck with side effect for a week and a bit. And it takes 2-4 weeks for them actually to work.
“Get out,” Katie spat venomously. “If she dies, you’re done for.”
“Katie, I-I didn’t expect her to do this. I didn’t,” I whimpered.
“Well she has and it’s going to fall on you if she dies.”
“Katie,” I pleaded.
“Just leave,” She snapped.
I’m hopeless aren’t I? Who wants me? Who needs me? No one. I’m just the sad one of this group. The one that’s not needed. Guess I’ll just have to let her go, take my punishment and move on. If that’s even possible.
Sitting on the bed in a tight ball, watching everyone rush by made me feel out of the loop. It made me feel like the whole world was just going by without me even knowing. I know that’s a bad simile and metaphor to use but it felt like it. It felt like my time was about to be up in a matter of seconds.
Letting the tears fall for a second time today made it all real. My girlfriend (or well, my ex-girlfriend) was dying from her wounds and suicide attempt. There’s a possibility that she might just pass and then it’ll hit me like a tonne of bricks. Alone and miserable.
“Greg, are you ok?” Ella asked quietly.
“It’s my fault. Everything’s my fault,” I whimpered. “I pushed her. I told her that. And now she’s dying. It’s all my fault. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” I cried.
“It’s not your fault. It’s really not. She’ll pull through, Greg. And she’ll be here with you. I’m sure she’ll understand everything if you explain but it’s not your fault,” Ella cooed.
“It’s really is and now she’s lost.”
“Gregory Simon West, you’re not to blame for this. She’s gone through so much, and is still feeling the after effects of it, just like you are. Suicide is only a natural occurrence to that sort of thing. We’ll get her healthy, I promise,” Ella promised. “Are you coming to the hospital?” She asked.
“No one wants me so no,” I answered.
“I want you, Dan wants you, Micky wants you, Elianna wants you and Katie wants you. Your fans want you. We need you, Greg. You complete us; you’re the sunshine when the rain appears. You’re the wind on a hot summer’s day, something to help us. Now come on,” She spoke.
I followed her. I knew no one wanted me, I wasn’t stupid but It just felt like I was the last person they wanted. Always vain, always incompetent. Always me.
Arriving at the hospital, I quickly made my way towards the back of the hospital. While Katie and the rest checked in Elianna. I know I’m being a wimp and hiding out the way from everyone but I know I’m just a burden. I’m just the annoying person out the trio, always whining and moaning because they had their love. I had no one; I was the lone wolf of the pack. Always will be. I broke her trust and her love, made her feel like they made her feel and it shouldn’t have happened but now I have to live with the consequences of the possibility of losing her. It wasn’t even a full day in the new house yet. Typical.
A/N: -
I have no excuses as to why this hasn't been updated in months. Well, I do but I doubt you'd believe me either way. But I'm sorry it hasn't been updated until now. I know I've lost readers and whatnot because of the timescale it's taken and I'm sorry, I really am. Anyway, I really don't know when this will be updated again because I have so much going on. I have college, college end of year performance (meant to be learning my script for next week oops), I have exams, I'm on medication with horrible side effects, I'm moving house and I have appointments. Sorry folks and I hope this is alright for you. Truth be told, most of this was written way back in January but then it got forgotten about. Oops, but anyway, I hope it's ok.