Chapter 60
I was here for hours now.... And leading up to where I was now, sitting on a kitchen floor against the lower cabinets, was a haze.
I finally... finally after running for so long, got to Jan and Mike's house and found the key Francis told me about. And when I got in the house itself... was vacant and cold with them having not been here for a long while. Both were occupied elsewhere concerning living arrangements and Mike's job, obviously. Which was the best thing for me. I needed to be alone to hide. I needed to be away from people to keep them safe. And this place was perfect since, if nobody followed me, nobody would suspect to look here. I tried to make sure of that as thoroughly as I could too.
I was very careful about everything the second I stepped onto the property. I was quiet as I could be, I turned no lights on when I got inside, I didn't do much. I just got inside and locked the door. And the first thing I did after that was go to the sink in their grand kitchen; I lowered my head into it, putting my mouth to the faucet and taking a large drink. Of ice... ice cold water, making the boil in me fizz down. It felt so good... so good after all that running and how tight my chest burned.... It felt good and was a relief. But not by much compared to what my thoughts were pushing at me.
I knew I was safe in this house. I was here for hours now... sitting on the floor, freezing. Because after I took a long drink, I moved over to the shadowed corner of the kitchen - and sat along the cabinets below the counter. My back against the cabinets in the shadows on the floor, I felt hidden. I felt safe. Especially as I sat there facing the door with a gun poised in my hand. I wanted to relax, lay down and give my mind full permission to let go.... But I couldn't. I needed to make sure I was safe for the rest of the night.
That was just it though. I knew enough to be almost positive nobody was going to barge in. Its been hours... and they would never come here if they were looking. But I needed to be on guard still - and most important, I wont dare relax.
I refused to do that. Luke... Luke wasn't relaxing and safe in some house like I was for the most part. He was out there and who knows in what state. Dead or alive... he was cold. Fighting still or not, running or not, he wasn't safe. I felt it in my bones. He wasn't safe and I felt he would never be unless he is here with me. My head said he was dead. My numbed brain... it kept wanting to repeat that to me, as if on a loop. As if I could even think about that. That's why my body rejected that, and I couldn't think about it without feeling sick. My body rejected it... just as my beating heart had. Even though I knew how real that was and a possibility.
My eyes traveled... and even stared off into space as I thought over everything that happened. Over the events... over the men I shot... over wondering about Luke.... But I wouldn't face away from the front door as I was thinking. I was a number of yards away from the door in this large kitchen, almost straight across from the door. But as long as the door was in sight, that's what counted. Just to be safe... just to be alert... and just because I had to with Luke still out there.
It took all of my strength to stay on this kitchen floor in the dark. I wanted to get up. I wanted to go outside and look for him. Find him. Hold him to me and most importantly tell him how much I loved him. I never got to say it... and was fearing with my entire self that I never would get that chance to now.
I wanted to find him... so badly. But for one of the first times, I understood. And... no matter how very terribly I wanted to, I couldn't go and look for him. Because I realized... realized very quickly why Luke did what he did. Realized why Luke made me leave him like that. And it was to protect me... to protect me in the form of risking and most likely giving up his own life for it. That's right guys... I didn't realize it until I sat down here, ready with a gun, just what he must have done and what it meant to let him do that. Because there were too many people there, too many for only one guy to take down. But enough to distract long enough to let me get away....
He knew he will most likely die. He lied to me, I realized. He lied. He said he would follow me, be right behind me. But he must have known this whole time... that was never an option. To follow after me and hide away safely with me. He must have known... that there was such a slim chance of survival. Of him getting out of there after I ran.... That lying fucking bastard. I wont see him again... I wont hold him to me. Because he had to be dead. Even though in my head I kept repeating he was okay, he promised he would follow me. He loved me and he wouldn't do this to me....
That was just it though, the reality of it all. Because knowing Luke... he would lie. He absolutely would lie and do that even though he loves me. Because I'm all he cares about and my safety. Me over him... and it brought a sickness to my stomach that made me push it out of my head yet again. Every time I thought about that... I pushed it out, not able to mentally or physically deal with that. Until I wanted to cut all of my thoughts off.
I didn't cry. I felt the large lump still near and around in the back of my throat. But that sob never came... it never hit me because I wouldn't let it. Even as my breath went wild with my trembling body from the cold and the aftershock.
I sucked in a hard breath and groaned in a small whimper, bitting down hard on my bottom lip. Shut up, shut up, shut up I kept telling myself. No thought of why I should keep my thoughts closed. I just needed too. I couldn't face all this in one night. Couldn't face that realization that he knew he could die - and that he probably had. My pain needed to be dispersed.... in small amounts and over a long time especially after everything. So much pain... I wanted it gone for now. I couldn't cry. Not yet.
I couldn't think. Even though there was much to ponder. Like what happened to my dog? Who did this and why would they? Was this Clare or was this the gang - neither would make much sense? How did Francis get involved? It all just... was too much. Sighing, my eyes locked on one spot for so long, I felt them want to water. I blinked a few times though... and was brought back to my surrounding area of the kitchen. Of how cold I was. I sat up slightly and set the gun down for a moment. Gnawing on my lip gently, I took the two ends of the coat Francis gave me and wrapped it closer against my body before picking the gun back up again. I know nothing was probably going to happen... I just needed to hold the gun was all.
However, I might have thought so too quickly. My ears perked at a sound... a sound coming from near the front door. My eyes darted up to the door that was a few yards away... but close enough to hear something. I was positive it was the wind or something else. I just continued to tensely sit there, straining to hear it again, whatever that noise was. Until I heard something much louder a moment later. And that was the rattle of the door handle. Of someone on the other side, trying to get in. And trying violently, the sound echoing loudly seemingly through the quiet house.
My already fast beating heart sped up and jumped at the noise of someone trying the door. And trying over and over as if frustrated. I was simply frozen, at best. But... not for long. If whoever is out there comes through that door, I don't want to be in the corner of the kitchen on the floor as I was. Because they would be after me... and if they see me, which there is a good chance they would, there would be nowhere to go. So, as I sat there and listened, filling with fear, I knew I needed to move. Get up and hide elsewhere maybe. Or even better... don't hide.
I didn't let anything process so much to the point where everything hit me - like the good chance that Luke was dead. I didn't accept it. But I did accept that these assholes wanted to harm us and probably harmed Luke. I didn't want to hide, I didn't even want to be here to begin with. I wanted to be out there, looking for him. So I'm sorry but I wont hide. I wont. Especially when it only sounded like one person on the other side of that door.
The attempt to open the locked door stopped, the jiggling of the knob gone. I knew better than to think they left, whoever they were. So, I didn't waste time. I got to my feet, which was harder than I thought it would be. I felt numb slightly but at least I wasn't nearly as cold or sore as I was before. I felt okay enough to be able to do this. Either way, I'd have to.
On my feet, as quietly and as quickly as I could, I made my way towards the front door. Moving from the kitchen and out into the entrance. My eyes darted to the windows along the walls off to the side but saw nothing... even though I couldn't trust it. That's why I moved quickly into more shadows again. Only this time, I quietly tucked myself along side the door against the corner in the wall. That way, if whoever was trying to get inside breaks down the door and comes in, they wont see me right away. I'd see them first. And when I see whoever it is first, I have an advantage. Then... I would pull the trigger. Simple as that. Simple as that... even though I knew it would never be that simple to get over.
I didn't realize how hard I was breathing now. My lips were parted and ridged, the anticipation of this running through me. But I didn't feel... in need to worry about the outcome for some reason. This just... was happening. Without much thought, thought of the chance of this not working. Of it backfiring and me getting killed. That should have ran through my head. It never did.
I was a few yards away from the door, along the same wall and waiting. My back pressed against the wall, my head tilted to the right and looked down to where the doorknob was. It was still... and has been since I've gotten up. Did they leave, whoever it was? It was a possibility... but even more that it wasn't. There was no taking my guard down. And I knew I was on the right path of instinct when in the next moment, in the stillness of the dark quiet house, all that was interrupted. Interrupted and corrupted in the presence of a loud crashing noise, hitting my ears violently.
I shook in place, jumping slightly and startled. But I wouldn't let this catch me so off guard that it would put me at a disadvantage. I blinked a few times, flinching when I saw what the huge crash was. The sound came to me just as the sight of it did since I was staring at the door. It flew open harshly, fast, and in the process, I heard something from the door break as it swung open and hit the wall. It was so loud and a huge slam, I was surprised it was still on it's hinges. It just flew open and hit the wall a few inches over from where I was. That wasn't exactly my concern though. It was who broke open the door and was now coming in.
The shadows were still present among me. I was safe... so I needed to stay calm and ready. I raised my gun up before me in the darkness and pointed it towards the entrance of the door... waiting. And not a moment later, I saw a shape. A figure, a mass standing in the doorway, and slowly walk inside. I couldn't see anything more; just this figure standing there in the shadows. When it started to walk more inside and towards the kitchen... I finally moved. I finally calmed my breath as I stepped closer to him from behind. And just as I knew he heard me in the dark we were in, I spoke in as firm of a voice I could.
"Don't move," I said, and because I couldn't see him and he couldn't see me well either, I tried making my point when I took a few long strides towards whoever this was and press the barrel against his back. Now whoever this was knew I had a gun; I don't know why I just didn't pull the trigger. He was obviously here to come after me, get me... kill me. "Don't fucking move," I said in a shakier voice, scared that he would. Because to be honest... I wanted to do anything but shoot whoever this guy was. But I will; I had to, no matter what. First though, I needed validation that this guy was after me. "Who are you?" I growled at the figure, tense, standing there... and looked as if whoever it was was shaking too for some reason.
Before the figure could answer me as we stood there, another sound reached my ears. A smaller, more delicate noise I couldn't pinpoint. And it was coming from behind me near the door, which my back was facing now. It was like a pitter patter, a small sound, familiar too and it came closer. I didn't know what it was and I also didn't want to look away from whoever this was; I didn't want him to catch me off guard. But that sound demanded my attention, especially when I realized exactly what it sounded like.
Me and the person I was holding a gun to were in the shadows; the light from the windows and the door didn't cross yet with where we were standing. But it flooded the doorway partially. So when I looked behind me to what it was, I managed to see the source of the noise clearly. I nearly dropped the gun then and there in shock at the sight... of Jack. Jack... his little paws against the floor, walk in through the open door and into the house now. I could recognize my dog and that was Jack... his tail was down and he was visibly, even in the small shed of light, shaking like crazy. He scampered as if in fear inside and moved towards the kitchen.
At that point... my mind felt mashed. To mush, to pieces, just shattered. Just... what? I felt so puzzled. My breath picked up and Luke came into my mind right then and there after I saw my dog just come inside. Who was this guy that came here with my dog behind him...?
My eyes widened and my head snapped back up and ahead of me to this figure in the shadows with me. Who I could see turn around without a thought, without taking into account the gun I was pointing at his back. He just... spun around in place and I felt his stare. His stare on me even if I couldn't see him. My head told me at that second to point the gun back up at him. Point it at him, put it to his chest, stop him before he tried to hurt you....
But I couldn't move. I was frozen. I didn't know who this guy was facing me in the dark but... that stare felt so... and familiar. It felt like Luke. I had no idea how, not a clue how at all, but I sensed him. And I couldn't move; I was frozen in place. There was a moment of nothing but stillness and silence. Until, I felt whoever this was facing me move. And move fast.
My hand was limp holding the gun and it would stay that way, even as I felt this person grip both my shoulders, and tightly too. My breath ridged, he pushed me back... made me back up quickly several steps over and to where the moonlight was shinning in. Pushing us both out of the shadows into the moonlight. My heart felt as if it dropped out of my chest and I was ready to collapse. Collapse and hold my gasping mouth shut. Otherwise, I would start sobbing my fucking heart out as I looked into his sweet alive... and gorgeous emerald eyes.
My lips instantly let out a soft whimper I didn't even feel run across my mouth. I didn't even feel the gun that slipped out of my hands and onto the floor. However, I could feel a sob want to erupt from my throat. And this time, I felt it would actually come. Because now I knew... I knew he was alive.
I knew he made it. And I knew he was safe, with me, even if just for this moment. He was here, he was alive, and no matter how hurt he was, I could take care of him. I wanted to take care of him. I always will want to! Hurt or not, that's not what mattered at the moment. I wasn't thinking about whether he was hurt or not. I was just so fucking happy... he was alive and here; right here with me.
"Luke," I felt my voice break shakily as his name left my quivering lips. My body... felt like jelly. My insides ached in finally... finally letting myself take my pain and run with it. Because I could let my guard down. And... that's what I finally had to do. I raised a hand up towards my lips, clasping it over my gasping mouth. My throat burned as I stared up at him.... His bright alive eyes, his messy and damp hair, and a cut that ran along his forehead. His eyebrows caught some of the few dropplets of blood. I looked him over for a small second and saw there was blood along his uniform, splattered. I stared back up into his eyes... and I couldn't care about the blood on him, whether it was his or not, couldn't care about anything else... besides the fact that he was alive and he was here. He was here, his hands shaky with his whole trembling body, and I needed my arms around him now.
I sobbed the second my eyes reached his again and I moved closer as fast as I could, throwing my arms around his neck and hugging him to me. Hugging his cold, damp, shaking body to mine and wrapped myself against him, offering him my support. And I cried hard against him, into the crook of his neck. My body shook harder... with my nerves and his making his own body shake. I felt him gasp in warmth and with his breath on my neck, he hugged me tightly back to him. Held me tight to him as we were shaking... and we were both shaking so hard, holding each other with all of our focus and hearts. We somehow ended slumping down to the floor right there as we held each other. I cried against him, my hands moving up to caress in his knotty hair.... He did the same, his shaky hand moving up to my neck as he grasped me there.
His body... stomach, chest, arms were shaking and so was his voice when he spoke to me in a broken voice that I could tell were filling with tears. "Oh god. Oh... baby. I-I-I love you. Fuck, fuck baby... I love you so much!" He shook harder when he spoke, and I felt his hands hold me tighter to him as I shook harder myself, buried against him.
But after his words registered, it made me cut my sobs off with clenched teeth and I sat back slightly. And all record of his hurt sore body was wiped from my mind as I led one hand back away from him. With a hiss, I looked up to him and his teary eyes and hit his chest. Hit him with my shaky clenched fist. It was weak... all movement was as I tried to hit his chest again but my words took command as I stared up at him.
"You love me... But what the fuck is wrong with you?! W-Why? Why would you make me do that?! You made me fucking run and y-y-you didn't follow me!" My voice was gone and replaced with a raspy and small hiss as my tears flooded my face. I hissed at him in my vacant and torn, sobbing voice again. "You knew you were going to die, didn't you?!" My body shook harder as I hunched slightly, sobbing harder. But I wouldn't look away from his eyes.
Tears rolling over his own face, his lips were parted and his breath ridged. Eyes scared and sorry, and relieved to have me here. Begging me with those green pools that were melting me on the floor with him now. He's only answer was to nod, as I felt his arms tighten around me as we were sitting against each other on the floor. My heart jumped and shook with my body at his gesture and I just shook my head, my teeth clenched again. Too much... too much to even comprehend anything at the moment. His words before hit me again, fresh... and it made me hiss at him again.
"You said you love me! Is that why you lied and made me leave, you asshole!" I cried again against him and I felt his hand around me slip up my back to my hair. And I saw his burning red and teary eyes dig themselves in mine as a hand grasped my hair, his other shaky hand rested on my back. Just as I was about to shout at him again with my abandoned voice, he pulled me forward hard. In answer, he kissed me... kissed me so desperately with his shaky lips that evened against mine. Our breath brushing through our noses, I felt my need for him shoot up even more if that was possible. I groaned against him and tightened both arms around him again, pushing my body against his even more. Both of us shaking like crazy, I parted my lips with his and kissed him so deeply back, needing to get lost with him. To hide in his lips, and stay in his arms as my home forever. Safe here with him and to protect him in my arms too. I wanted to never let him go... I wanted to give up all I have for him just like he was.
His lips warmed on mine and I moved my hand up to slip into his damp hair... and as I did, his hands that were holding me hard against him moved down to my legs. He lifted me slightly in a small groan and brought me closer, moving my one leg to wrap around his torso as he did the same with the other. Holding me to him in his lap, he kissed me more... deeper... and with more love desperately shooting between us. And as he held me against him closer, my lips tilting up to his, it made my tears slide down my cheeks more. As it did to him, when I felt a few tears he shed swim down and onto my cheeks as his lips wrapped possessively up in mine. I let him swallow me in desire and love. I loved him... and was just so relieved and happy to have him here with me.
I gasped softly when his lips tore off from mine and I finally asked him what I knew I should have much earlier. Breath shaky still as I stared up into his wild eyes as he stared down into mine again, after our lips broke, I could feel my clothes becoming wet again as I hugged him tighter to me. And I looked down, only to see the splattered blood and some water soak into my clothes from his. I stared up at him as I caressed his face, the blood along his forehead clearly dried. "How hurt are you?" I asked.
"I...uh, I... I'm okay," he said, and I could see the shock in his eyes I couldn't before about all of this. His eyes turned slightly lost but he quickly fought it. I could see he didn't want to think about anything... about the attack, the fight he must have went through to get out and how many he killed... he didn't want to. He wanted to focus on me. "Are you alright?" he asked.
"I'm fine. I'm fine because of you. You bastard," I whispered and shook my head, caressing his cheeks with my palms and thumbs as I circled them over his skin. "I'm not going to forgive you for making me run like that when you didn't follow me. When you made me leave and didn't come with me--" I broke off, crying a little more as I bit my lip and shook harder. So hurt by the memory of him doing that, so frustrated that he would do that, and felt so loved that he would do such a thing for me. So shocked by everything. "When you made me leave, you fucking lied. You didn't plan to see me again, because you wanted to die for me! Well what if I didn't want that? What if I had something I needed to tell you and I couldn't because you were dead?! Huh? Wh-What if I... needed to tell you," I swallowed shakily. "What if I needed to tell you that I was in love with you? What then? You would have been dead and I never would have gotten the chance to tell you I loved you. So selfish... ever think about what I want? Maybe I wanted you to run with me because I loved you. I'm in love with you!" I choked out, tears crowding my vision once more as I stared to cry harder now. So selfish to do that and so wonderful at the same time.... Such an amazing man I couldn't find nowhere else. Love him... love him so much.
I was so upset and so in love with him. I needed him to know and felt relief when I got the words out. Something I've been dreading for months.... Now, I couldn't seem to want to do anything else but tell him that again. I loved him and I couldn't be ashamed anymore. Especially when I saw what his love drove him to do for me. I hated what he did because it was a miracle he didn't die. He should have died. And because of me. Because he wanted me to be safe. Because he would give up everything for me and that killed me when I wanted to surrender everything to him.
Staring up into his eyes, they widened. I wiped away his cold tears as I felt him shake a little harder under my touch after I spoke. His eyes... soft green and loving, caressed me in care and shock at my words. His lips tried to move, as if trying to speak. He couldn't for the longest second until he finally got out of him, "You're in love with me?" He choked out.
I bit my lip and nodded, tightening myself against him with my arms and legs. "Yes... yes you stupid man. I'm in love with you," I breathed out, my eyes melting in his and I felt my soul ready to drown and spin in his. And when I said those words again to verify... it made me feel that relief again that I welcomed. That freedom... to finally speak it.
I leaned up without another thought and slowly pressed my lips against his, kissing him again and my chest against his... I could feel his heart pick up much faster. I felt the shock was just too great from all this... that we surpassed the shock at the moment. So much shock, it couldn't hurt us at this moment now as we kissed. And he kissed me back, his shaking hand on my back tightening as did the one in my hair. So filled with love and sorrow and passion... moaned softly against him, lost in him.
When our lips finally broke, and my eyes opened to look up into his... I could see the pain in them again but I could see the awe he held in them for me too. I just wanted to make him better.... I was hurting as was he. This was the most traumatic thing I think we have been through thus far... and yet, I didn't have the capacity to hold it. So I just... was forcing it out for the most part at the second. I wasn't denying anything and refusing to think about it now. It just... wasn't hitting me too hard yet. I could tell Luke was trying to actually accept it and it hurt. His eyes tried staying with me and this moment he found wonderful for this terrible situation we were in.
"Why don't we get cleaned up," I suggested, my voice still shaky as I ran my hand down to his chest... his uniform. His wet and damp clothes... I saw they were even ripped somewhat. His belt and equipment still intact, I sighed as I thought about his gun. How many times did he fire it? Too many to last a number of lifetimes for any cop. Don't think about that now.... I looked back up to him and pursed my lips. "Come on. Lets get cleaned up." I didn't know what else to do after all. I just knew he did hurt even if he didn't acknowledge it. He went through an army tonight and wasn't shot. But he was hurt, he was bleeding, he was sore in everyway - mentally, physically, emotionally. As was I but he had it worse by far. It was hard to imagine that because I was barely keeping myself together.
His eyes got lost elsewhere... his breath still hard. It was like he couldn't hear my words just yet. Instead, with his hand he brought forward to cup my face lovingly as we sat there. Stroking my cheeks subconsciously, his eyes moved down me... and his eyebrows dipped slightly before he slowly looked back up to me. "Where did you get this coat?" he asked, a little on edge. "And those boots. Were they in the house?"
I pursed my lips and swallowed. I just shook my head. Staring into his eyes... I couldn't bring myself to tell him yet about Francis being there. Not just yet. I wanted to get him settled, relaxed a little, and a cleaned up a bit. I sighed. "I'll tell you in a minute," I said as I moved away from his lap and arms slowly, sore and wincing slightly. I didn't want to hurt him either. I slowly stood up in the darkness that was around us, and looked down to Luke on the floor staring up at me, searching my eyes carefully. I reached my hand down and he grasped it softly. But he didn't use it to get to his feet. He didn't want to hurt me no doubt. Instead, he just got to his knees and strained his strength, standing back up and before me.
Looking up into his eyes, his body still shaking with how cold and wet he was, with how shocked he was, I did notice it calmed down significantly though. His powerful stare dove into mine and I could feel his sweetness reach me. He sighed softly and he grasped my hand harder in his... and I knew this was the first step of this long process. Of getting cleaned up, taking care of Jack, of figuring things out, and keeping ourselves safe in the process, and of accepting everything that happened tonight. I was just happy he was here for us to get through all this together.