Chapter 58
I needed to be out in a few weeks otherwise she will kill me.
Clare put microphones around my room.
Luke and I need to uncover Emily's body.
Then we need to throw the bitch that put her in the ground to jail.
That was a lot to think about, don't you think? However, I soon found out that we needed to keep our minds clear and calm. To not stress. Because we have a couple weeks. And until then, all we had to do was wait. Wait and entertain ourselves. And that meant entertaining my thoughts with the constant wonder of telling Luke I love him and what that really means.
And, through the days of going to school and coming home and not really talking, I just... thought. Ran the consequences of telling Luke in my head. Because I know he wont deny me. He would accept me and he loved me back. And I took to heart all Jan has said. She was right; I needed to take that jump. Because I wasn't weak; I was strong if I was facing something that appeared to me as weakness in this case. And honestly, who knows what could happen. That was the point though. A leap. A jump. And no, not suicide - even if love could end in that for the dumb asses out there.
Anyways, along with Jan's words, came my own mind assisting to push me. Not to mention Ramper... who I am very ashamed to say actually helped me. And I will never repeat that again, folks. But it was true as strange as it sounds. And all because he was still following me around school....
One particular day in English class though, I was curious about something. We weren't doing much besides working on homework early and I couldn't really focus. My mind wondered... and a random thought popped into my head. I looked up to Ramper besides me, who looked to be pouting like a baby over who knows what now. "Hey," I said, throwing an eraser cap at him I had from my bag (even though he was a foot from me). It hit him in the shoulder and his eyes turned to mine, looking pissed instantly. His eyebrows dipped and eyes pierced mine, daring me to do more and it made me snort under my breath at his reaction. "Relax dude, if you need to go take a shit, just go," I said, referring to his hard face.
"What do you want?" he asked, raising a brow, looking annoyed at my comment.
"Why did you become a cop?" I asked in a more serious manner, watching him carefully. I mean, it was just a random question I was curious about. It held nothing deeper than that and I've asked him random things before. But I didn't expect it to turn into anything more than a simple explanation.
"Well, it sure wasn't to follow a crazy girl around all day in school," he muttered, sitting up more in his seat as he came to face me. Not looking interested at all in telling me but he did anyway. "This girl I really liked influenced me. I would always help her out... do things for her. Then one day she was gone. She moved. And I had nobody to help anymore, which basically sounds like a child's reason but that's it," he said, looking to me seriously but I could see the annoyance in his eyes come back. While in mine, they must have grew in curiosity.
I scoffed - partially because it did sound like a kid reason to become a cop. And partially too because it didn't make much sense with how vague it was. "What, you liked this girl, she was gone, and you needed to replace that hole in your life or whatever?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Pretty much," he said. "I never told her I cared for her. And if I had, I'm afraid she could have still been here. But, oh well I suppose," he said under his breath, looking annoyed at me again. "Why do you care?" he asked and his tone demanded a tone back from me, sounding immature.
I leaned forward and said in his same annoying voice I could to match, "I don't," I said, rolling my eyes. But in reality... for some reason, his brief little answer he had for me didn't leave me. It stuck with me for the rest of the day and the next few as well. Because I realized the danger I didn't recognize before. And that was that I can't hold out forever. Luke shouldn't wait forever and he isn't going to want to. He offered me his heart, and I needed to return him mine for the fact that I wanted him to have my heart. Whether the words were scary or not.... Because he's too important to let slip away.
Each day after, I wanted to tell him from there on out. I had Jan's words ringing through me, Ramper's little story, and I had my own confidence build. But right when I would feel ready to, or at least close, I would feel my heart start to pound. My chest stir and... to know that it was a reaction from just the thought of telling him made me cautious even though I shouldn't be. I wanted to tell him and I felt I was ready.
I was ready.... I was so sure of it. I didn't have some answers. I didn't know if my love could match his. I didn't know if it was in part because he was the first man I ever loved. I also didn't know where any of it would head after this. I didn't know what the scary future held. I didn't know how things would work out if we ever got through this mess that was my life and now his. And I didn't know if I would drag him down to be honest. But... I realized that everything that made me question it couldn't be answered. So I had to deal with it and work it out along the way. And the only way there is an 'along the way' is if I jump. I had nothing to lose because I know if the worst happens I can handle it. I've been through hell in my life, I'm tough enough to face the future for us if there were any challenges. But I was so sure... so happy and excited. Because I did decide that I will tell him. And I wont just try and back down. I will tell him.
And I knew when I would. The day Clare said she was going out for a drink with her friends and wouldn't be back until later. The day I would make special for him. Because I knew he was stressed - we both were. I knew he was distressed with everything that was happening, and on top of that, dealing with my issue of not saying I loved him back. I knew that cut him deep, not properly reacting as I had, even though he fully understand. And it was my fault, not his. I wanted to make things better and eliminate the tension between us. I wanted to make him smile, laugh; I wanted to do something nice for him. Show him... that I loved him before I say it. Because I was going to tell him. I was ready. I wanted to show him how much he means to me by doing something special. And I knew when I was going to do it. Doing what though? I had a few ideas....
It would be different - something I never did before for a guy. Nothing of this nature anyway. I thought it over for a bit and knew what I wanted to do. And call it cheesy, call it stupid, because I know for me, that's what I probably would do. But... I knew this was what I wanted to do for him. Nothing over the top - like dragging a fucking coat rack into the woods and over a frozen lake, which still made me smile. But something nice and special for us. And for me, that meant making him dinner. I wanted to make him dinner and make a cake. And the perfect day would be when Clare is gone, and he just gets home after work.
And that's what I did. I actually got up from bed after Luke was sleeping the night before I was going to do it. And I baked the cake that night with everyone else sleeping. So by the time tomorrow came, all I would have to deal with is making dinner. So after I made the cake - and correctly this time, which was the whole point of making the cake - I headed up to bed, having hidden the cake in the fridge where no one could see it (which wasn't hard because the fridge was packed).
The cake was made. That was done. And when I woke up the next morning - the day I would show Luke how special he is, tell him that I love him - I was already so excited... even though I would have to sit through school the whole day and wait. I was thankful though. Because when I get home from school, I'll make dinner, pull out the cake... everything will be ready for him by the time he gets home. And to make this even better for us, I had to thank Mrs. Williams that day at school.
I was already bouncing in my seat at school. I couldn't focus. I was filled with excitement and anxiety. To surprise him then after, tell him I love him. It made my heart drop. Because I was so happy and knowing that things between us would be different. And Mrs. Williams in school today made it even better by giving us a free day. A study hour, basically. And I took full advantage of it by making something for Luke out of construction paper he should enjoy. Call it kiddish... but I knew it would make him laugh.
I spent the hour cutting out a design of a crown on red construction paper. Then, with the design cut into the paper, I curved both ends of the paper inward, taping it into an actual paper crown. Of yeah. He was going to love this. Especially what I wrote on the crown as the perfect tittle for him. And to know that it will be that day... hours later that I will give him this made chills run up my body. Because after the crown, after the dinner... he will know that I love him when I tell him.
It seemed... to crash down on me every second. Because I kept thinking... was this too early? Was it? Even if it was, I had enough. I felt ready and I was anxious to take that jump and surrender myself to him. That was love. Surrendering and trusting and living. I can surrender to him... and still have myself in tact. Still be me. And still have the same amount of power over myself as I had before. And realizing that really sold me on telling him now. It's what made me want to do it now. I couldn't wait any longer. And I felt that though school was ending, it would never come. A few hours were too long. I knew it would be worth it - it would be worth everything
***
I'm in love with you, Luke.... I kept saying it in my head. And to know I would be telling him out loud made my bones chill. I just couldn't seem to care anymore about anything else besides telling him. It wasn't just Jan, Ramper, and my thoughts that pushed me to this decision today. It was the time that past between Luke and I. The time after he confessed he loved me... and I started to see that the time spent from him was no different when it came to my personality. He didn't change a vital part of my being. He helped and influenced me but only when I allowed it. That was the push.... that I am still strong, still the same person, even if he has made me a better person. I'm strong enough to handle it and not let my love for him make me weak in that sense. The only thing that would change between us when I tell him I love him is that he will now know. It's not like I was going to lose my pride like I felt I would.
So I was in a sure mood. So sure for once and so happy because this was a huge step I believe I was ready to take. And it will be taken when school gets over. Holy shit first off - which was needed. Because that rest of the day at school was spent anxiously awaiting for school to end. And when it did and Ramper took me home... it was time to get to work. I knew Ramper was suppose to stay with me; he had orders to until Luke gets home. But... I convinced him to leave. I said I had serious work I had to do and something I didn't want him here for. Though he told me over and over he couldn't leave me alone, it didn't take much to convince him to leave. And once he left and I was left home with Jack, a cake in the fridge, and a dinner waiting to be made... it was time to get to work. The cake and crown done, the dinner was my priority.
I already had a plan of action folks (I was that serious about making it perfect, I wasn't going to wing it). I made sure we had all the ingredients and such before today so I was ready to go. And the dish... was fancy but not really at the same time. I wanted to look as if I put an extra effort into it, even though it was fairly simple: Chicken fettuccine alfredo.
I got the noodles, the sauce out... started frying some chicken too. And at the same time as I cooked, I accomplished a few other things. Like unwrapping my hair from my bun like I knew Luke liked. Not to mention, the hardest part of the whole thing: turning on the radio. And... turning it to his favorite music, which was country. I'm shocked that Jack didn't run out of the kitchen with bleeding ears because I was about to. But... this was all for Luke.
I had the dish done just in time. I tried my best to make everything look perfect. Including the kitchen spotless after everything else was finished. And I had enough time for that too. I wiped up the counters, the table. Then I set out the food I prepared on the table for us to take as we will. Besides the big dish I made, I got the chocolate cake out and set it on the table next to the pasta too.
With that, I checked how I looked when I headed into the bathroom (shut up) and was happy enough with what I had on. My faded red plaid shirt and jeans... my now long hair hanging around my shoulders... I looked acceptable. I didn't have time to get 'dolled' up, which was fine by me. I was comfortable in this. And I knew that wouldn't matter. He should love everything else more, right? Yeah, he was going to love it. Even though the more I thought that, the more unsure I was. Too late now though. Especially when I heard him pull into the driveway.
I bit my lip in excitement. He was home... he was here. I offered myself a hopeful grin in the mirror of the bathroom before I left, heading into the kitchen and looking everything over. All was in order... everything out and set at the table, the country music lightly playing, and I even had the guts to light a candle and set it on the table too. That was in place too. All that was left was to put me in place....
Taking a deep breath, I headed into the kitchen more. My eyes fell on the crown that was sitting on the counter and knew this was his little bonus surprise. I was happy I made it for him; it was my little present for him to make everything that much better. Taking the red crown in my hands, I hid it with my hands behind my back as I came to face the kitchen entrance... waiting for him to come in.
I didn't feel like myself, acting all fancy and stuff. But I think that made all of this that much more funny and special to him. I had a hard time not laughing to myself when I heard the front door open and knew he came inside. Oh boy... here it goes. It was nice knowing you, guys.
Jack greeted him at the door, I knew. I heard his happy scattering feet on the floor jumping up and down as well as he little whining he made at the need to be petted. I could hear Luke whisper a 'hello' to him but it didn't last long. Because he must have noticed the difference when he looked towards the kitchen and heard country music coming from it as well as the scent of the fresh and hot food. Oh lordly... here goes my pride and my denial out the window for good at making him what I now convinced myself was this over the top surprise (over the top for me anyway). But I couldn't regret any of this and I loved it even before I saw him.
Taking a deep breath, still holding back my laughter at this whole thing, I watched intently towards the entrance of the kitchen. And, not a second later, a certain police officer came into my view. I took him in... as he froze and stood there. Clad in his tan uniform, it made every feature about his stand out perfectly in my sight. His gorgeous green eyes first - which widened in surprise and met mine. Met mine and shinned with raised eyebrows. Along with his raised lips that slowly tilted up when his eyes met mine... and eventually strayed to look around the room. Of the dinner I made and desert (that wouldn't taste like shit this time). Of the radio, the clean kitchen, then back to me. And when they reached back to my eyes, I saw a certain awe in them. His arms at his side, body relaxed, his eyes were active and all over the room... then all over me. His eyes found my eyes, down to my lips and the rest of me before looking back up to me.
At the same time, I took in his presence. Of his strong and warm body I wanted to hug in welcome. To his sweet and smiling lips, his soft and gentle hair curled behind his ears and locks hanging around and framing his face perfectly. By the time my eyes found his again... I realized how big this would be for me. Because after we enjoy this evening, I would look into his eyes and tell him I love him. I was so sure, so ready... and though it was a scary thought, I wasn't that scared to actually do it as I was before.
"What...?" he trailed off, his grin growing white and wide as he just shook his head slowly, eyes never leaving mine. "You did all this," he said in awe. Then, as he watched me, he eventually bit down on his lip but it couldn't stop his smile, his increase in mood as well. I even noticed a slight blush run over him. Lord knows how hard I was blushing. After all, this type of thing was a little unheard of and embarrassing on my part but I wanted to do this. I wanted to show him and do this for him and knew this was the right way for us.
I gave a dramatic sigh. "Yup."
He chuckled softly under his breath as he walked into the kitchen, and neared where I was standing with my hands behind my back. And my heart jumped - about 5 feet in the air if I had to guess. The tension was gone and it seemed like forever since he opened his gaze like that to me. It also seemed forever since he offered much affection since what happened. But now... it was as if none of that tension happened.
He came up to me, a foot away, and he rested his hand slowly on my hips. The feeling itself took me over because I had missed his warm touch, his welcoming presence.... Oh god, I just wanted him. To feel his safe large hands rest on me was heaven. I gazed up into his eyes as he stared down into mine. "You are... fucking awesome," Luke said, laughing in delight and I couldn't have asked for a better reaction from him. Because it made me crack up too.
"I'm glad you finally figured that out," I said in a mocking voice, grinning up to his shinny and awed eyes. "Close your eyes," I told him, smirking.
He chuckled softly as he closed his eyes slowly away from where they were on mine before. And in the next moment, I leaned up and moved my arms up with me, placing the crown I made today on the top of his head. And knowing it would stay, I moved back to standing before him with his hands on my hips and bit my lip as I saw his confused expression. And when he opened his eyes at the feeling, his grin grew. He looked so cute and sweet and it made me stifle a chuckle at him wearing that paper crown. What he said next let it out though. "What did you put on my head? A mirror so you can look at your beautiful self when you look at me," he said.
Oh my god. I raised my eyebrows and gasped at his words. Such a corny, stupid thing to say.... I loved it because he tried and it backfired. It was awesome - because everything was just like it had been between us. With nothing interfering. I cracked up instantly at his words, laughing incredibly hard and I when I looked up at him, I saw him flush and his smile dim at realizing what he said. Just made me chuckle more. "Wow dude, I think that was the worst line I've ever heard you say."
"Damn it," he hissed to himself, licking his lips as he smiled down to me. "I guess I'll have to keep practicing more lines on you, get better at it."
"That sounds good to me," I grinned as I watched his curiosity get the best of him. The paper crown perched on his head, he reached up and tilted his head, letting it fall into his hand and I watched him carefully. Holding the crown in his hand, I watched him take it in and a huge grin spread across his face. His eyes looking it over and reading what I wrote on it, he raised an eyebrow and his eyes found mine, with a teasing smile.
"What the hell...?" he laughed, shaking his head as he ran his fingers over the letters I wrote in colorful crayon on it. "I'm sorry but... 'The Cowboy Copper King?'" he said, reading my tittle I gave him.
"Yeah. If I could, I would have made a cowboy hat for you. But... I figured a crown would look much dorkier," I laughed.
"Well it does," he said, laughing. "Thank you." A long moment passed between us as he watched me carefully. "And you're going to make me wear it all night, aren't you?"
"Hey," I said, smacking his arm. "You're damn right."
"What if I want you to wear it?" he asked. "Make you my queen," he smiled sweetly down to me, wrapping his arm around me and the one holding the crown reached up to put it on my head.
"Classy way trying to get out of it. You don't have to wear it now. But you will later," I laughed as I took the crown and set it on the counter before I looked back up to him, biting my lip. Feeling him hold me to him, I wrapped my own arm around him. "Anyway, I made you dinner so we should eat it while it's hot."
He nodded, looking mesmerized as he gazed down at me more. "And you made a cake. It looks very good... is it store bought? If it's not, it might be disgusting when you consider the last one we made."
I laughed. "No. I actually know I did a good job. Because you weren't here to mess it up," I mumbled under my breath as I tried to move away from him to go to the table to sit down. But at hearing my words, he wouldn't let me. "Therefore, asshole, it wasn't store bought," I laughed and bit my lip.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa..." he said, turning with me when I moved; his arm never left around mine as he held me there, an outraged expression over his face. I laughed under my breath. "The reason the last cake was shit was because of you; I didn't mess it up," he said in a sure voice.
"You want to take that back before I throw the delicious cake I made at you?" I grinned teasing him as his eyes shinned down, teasingly in mine.
He put his hands up in surrender. "Fine whatever, I take it back," he said with a smile, rolling his eyes and it wasn't long after that that we were both were seated around the table. Sitting adjacent to him from where he sat at the end of the table by the wall and windows, we started to eat. I was more than delighted to find that he liked what I made and that it actually tasted good. And even better than the food was how comfortable we were. How much we joked, talked, and enjoyed ourselves. It was so nice... after so long of just worry and slight tension. It felt wonderful. To the point where Luke, after he took another bite of his food and swallowed, had to bring it up.
He stared at me carefully, sighing as he shook his head. "Okay. I'm going to have to ask. How... and why?" he chuckled, eyes appealing in mine.
I sighed. I figured he would ask. And I wasn't going to tell him I loved him just yet. No. I was going to wait until later tonight. So I settled for something else - but what was still very much true. I grinned to him and felt my insides shake at just telling him my reason. "Because... you are very special to me," I said, in a more serious voice because it was so true to me. It felt weird to say these kinds of things but I needed to. I wanted to. And... I liked it when I said it. "And it's a special night. I wanted to show you how much I care for you."
He grinned sweetly to me and he raised an eyebrow. "It's a special night?" he asked.
"Yes, it is," I said, and offered him no more of an explanation, leaving him hopefully guessing.
"Well, it really must be. You turned on country music," he smiled.
"Exactly. And you know I don't like that hillbilly-taking-a-shit stuff," I smirked, referring to what I called this type of a music a long time ago. And when I said it, he cracked up big time at my words. His face going pink as he laughed, he just shook his head and buried his eyes into mine after he calmed his laughter.
"Jesus... you're unbelievable," he shook his head, pursing his smiling lips as he shook his head. "So amazing. And so beautiful...." he said in a softer voice. Scoffing in disbelief and wonder at all this, he moved on to the second part of his question. "Okay and now how did you manage this?"
I scoffed and gave him an appalled and overly stuck up look. "Uh... how did I not manage this?" I grinned. "I can do anything," I said.
"I believe that," he said, offering a throaty chuckle, shaking his head. His eyes digging into mine, I felt my breath catch again. Because he showed me such a look of desire and beauty that I didn't expect. And we shared those looks between each other between the jokes and talk as dinner continued. Even through desert - which was awesome so I rubbed that fact in his face. It was just sweet looks and playful chatter that I know we both missed.
"I still can't believe you went through all this trouble," he said, shaking his head as his eyes caressed me. I felt him, from where he was sitting closely adjacent, reach over the table towards where my hand rested against the surface. And he didn't just grasp my hand in his... he ran his fingers up my palm, my arm slightly as he stared into my eyes. "I think I owe you something...."
I rolled my eyes but I couldn't hide how taken over I was by him. I bit my lip, taking in his body. His badge on his chest, and where his uniform buttoned up stopped and showed the slightest of his chest. His skin looked so smooth... and so did his lips that I wanted to kiss. It felt like forever since I kissed him too. But I was more interested in what his sparkling and sweet eyes held for me. A teasing and a flirtatious idea in his head that I could see when it reached his mouth after I was forced to ask....
"And what do you owe me?"
"A dance," he grinned.
I was instantly laughing, making him do the same because he knew this would be my reaction. That's why he said it. "Oh hell no, dude. I don't know how to dance and if I did, I wouldn't dance to this shit dropping music."
"You would knowing it would be with a stud like me," he offered, dramatically running a hand through his hair, winking to me.
I gripped my hand back in his and leaned forward, stressing with my eyes, "Alright, look copper, I'll dance with you. But only because I know you're desperate fo--"
I never finished what I said. I never finished any of what I thought I was going to that night - which included telling him I loved him. Because in the middle of our sweet time together, the glass windows in the kitchen shattered and flew all over. Guns, shots, dozens of them, fired and rang in an echo in my ears all at once. And just as my breath left shakily, just as my eyes widened... it was happening.
The endless shots went off and the glass flying from the broken windows hit me.. as did Luke when he launched himself from his seat and tackled me to the floor from the chair, keeping me down.
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Okay, written a bit differently. I think it was called for though - especially how I ended it. So I hope you liked it :)