Taylor licked her lips, still staring at the small forest near the balcony. Her eyes are already watery, and she was on the brink of tears again. "That was the last time I've ever seen him, and I — uh, I couldn't forget the words he said."
Gemma was still listening intently, as she was there during Harry's last trip in Canada. She just didn't know that it was, indeed his last trip there. She would have thought her brother would come back since he's already financially stable and sometimes have long vacations. . . it surprised her that the last time Harry was in Canada was when he was nineteen.
"What were the last words he said?" Gemma asked.
Taylor sighed, "That the next time he'll see me, I'll meet him at the altar." She smiled a bit and licked her lips again. "He didn't say what kind of altar."
"He did have plans for that, Taylor," Gemma replied. "I mean, not the wedding itself but someday, he planned that it was you he was going to take to church."
She smiled a bit upon hearing that, "He couldn't do that anymore, apparently." She looked down, seeing a ladder right at the balcony and she thought it must've been there for a while so she did not comment about it.
"Let me show you how he is," Gemma said with a smile and started walking down the hallway so Taylor walked right behind her.
Gemma stopped right in front of a door with a sigh, "Harry wanted you to take a look."
Taylor gave a shy smile and twisted the knob. With one more quick look at Gemma, she walked inside. She closed the door behind her and flipped the switch of the lights.
She looked around, goosebumps showed all over her skin and she was wondering why. It was barely ordinary. Harry's got a couple of History books in his bookshelf added by decorations of miniature weapons. His wall had a few family pictures hung, and around it was his collection of knives. It was strange seeing those knives, they seemed like they were from different countries.
What caught her eyes was the picture of Harry wearing a full soldier uniform and the brightest smile on his face. Somehow, the place seemed more alive because of that. His smile could easily light up anything anyways. It had been so long since she had seen that.
She closed her eyes for a moment, "I miss you," she whispered and looked around.
There were different writings on the walls, some are even from different languages. One had caught her easily was a line he once said that is written like they were notes on a musical staff in cursive. . . "I don't want to live a sad song"
Taylor smiled a bit, that was the last coded message Harry gave her. She figured it out quite easily as she knew it was one of his favourite songs. Honestly, it was easier to figure out than the rest of the riddles he gave.
There was a hit of nostalgia that had swept across her, remembering all the times she had with Harry. . . and how she barely did something to help make it work between them.
It wasn't a moment later when she decided to go out. She felt really awful. All night, all she had been doing was try to avoid crying. If she stayed there any longer she would have.
Gemma met her out of the door and proceeded to tell her brief stories about how Harry was before everything landslided. . .
To Taylor, he led a happy, fulfilled life. Of course, she expected that as he was a young lad full of surprises. One carefree boy who rarely made a fuss to things people usually would. He was different from the rest and his death seemed like an awful play of fate. He didn't deserve that. . . not now, he's still got a load of things to do. A lad like that has so much potential.
Although, as much as Taylor was wishing Harry was alive. . . her mind was also debating about how Harry would have reacted if he did meet him. Would he forgive her? Would he even acknowledge her presence? Maybe so. By the way Gemma had been speaking highly of him, and how Harry still looks at her. . . it's a bit different.
But. . . if Harry was alive, would she have gone through all the trouble to get back here? Would she make up those excuses she should have made years ago when Harry was still alive?
Remorse and dread filled Taylor as she looked around the beautiful house. All her mind could ever think of now was Harry. . . Harry. . . Harry. . . nothing else but Harry. Not her company, not her current life. . . just Harry, the boy who had turned her life upsidedown with just one quick smile.
"Anyways, would you like to go back downstairs? You need to eat and I heard that the rest of your old friends are there," Gemma said, snapping Taylor away from her thoughts.
"Oh, uh, okay." She replied shyly.
Taylor and Gemma both walked their ways downstairs and to the dozens of people wearing black. Taylor was trying her best not to look at who's inside the casket, she doesn't want to. Instead, she looked inside the house. Of course, it wasn't near as grand or as large as their house but it was beautiful. It seemed as though in ever corner, there was Harry's signature.
The woods were designed as though they were a hundred years old. Replicas of famous paintings hung on the walls as were the quotes of some famous words from famous people of history. There were even decorations of ancient weapons all around, even including katanas and old firearms. The place itself smelled like the forest if it hadn't been overpowered by the scent of flowers and candles.
"The place is beautiful," Taylor commented. It really was. But she thought, anything with Harry's signature is bound to be beautiful. That boy's mind was a beacon of mysteries and surprises, there was never a day when you wouldn't wonder what he'll do next.
"Thank Harry," Gemma replied. "Trust me, this place may be old but it wasn't like this. Harry was the one who turned this place around. See, this is his place now. I live two towns over. Technically, mum is living with him now but, he usually isn't home."
"Hmm," Taylor responded, still looking around but watching out for the stairs. "Not a good place for raising kids though." She mumbled to herself but unfortunately, Gemma had heard it.
"Definitely not," Gemma said. "That's why when he plays with the neighbourhood kids, he usually goes out in the backyard. Not that he's been playing with so many now. Most of the kids had grown up. Still, you wouldn't believe how many of them idolises Harry."
"So that's why there are many teenagers here," Taylor said and Gemma nodded.
"Anyways, I have to go. I'll see you later, Taylor."
Taylor nodded and started making her way to her old friends. . . their old gang.
Things had chained within the span of eight years, of course, they'd see each other every once in a while but it was very rare when they're together in one place. As heard, Marshal runs his own recording studio in L.A. whereas Jhanelle is a member of a band along with Berlyn. Aerielle turned out to be a professional teacher. Niall, an engineer and Kendall, a chef.
"Yeesh, I would never have expected Harry to turn out to be a soldier," Niall said, to start the conversation. Taylor wasn't really in the mood for a conversation about Harry so she stayed quiet.
"I wouldn't expect it either, that rebel?" Jhanelle piped in. "It's just weird."
"The guy was full of surprises," Kendall mumbled and as though on cue, all of them turned their heads to look at the casket.
"Tonight's the last night, isn't it?" Berlyn asked and Taylor lifted her head. She didn't know that it was the last night of the wake.
"Yeah," Aerielle answered glumly. "Should we uh, I don't know, say our goodbyes now?"
"Maybe," Marshal said and stood up slowly.
The others followed behind him apart from Taylor who was still seated.
"Tay, aren't you coming?" Kendall asked.
She gulped, she knows she can't do it yet. "Maybe later," she answered and Kendall let her be.
Taylor was still debating and still asking herself why Harry still has this effect on her. She told herself, that when they lost contact, that was the end of it. But now that she is here, her heart is proving her otherwise.
Truth is, when they lost contact, she had assumed that Harry completely forgot about her. She had seen the way he was with the girls back in highschool and they would just easily bow down to him. Also add the fact that earlier, when speeches were being said, a lot of ladies had announced their most profound love for him. . . far deeper than she had.
It was easy for Taylor to assume that he might have moved on so it was easier for her to do the same.
But, with Gemma's stories. . . he never moved on. He just kept waiting for her until this happened. She felt horribly guilty of that. They weren't some fling or short-timed and easily-forgotten relationship, they were something else.
She knew that. Taylor knew that all too well but the awful thing is. . . she also knew that somewhere along the way she had forgotten it.
When her friends came back, their discussion was about Taylor's first suspicion about this whole thing. . . that it was a prank but even Jhanelle had admitted that it might not be. Believing that it was a prank might make them sound both ignorant and in denial.
"Reasons why it is a prank," Jhanelle muttered, maybe, there was still a hint of hope in all of them that it was a prank but none of them would ever admit that.
"Too many leaguers?" Berlyn asked while Jhanelle nodded.
"Also, a reason for him to make a good record. . . an insane record," Niall said.
"Reasons why it isn't?"
"He seems different?" Aerielle asked.
"What do you mean, different?" Taylor asked, for the first time saying something in their conversation.
"Being a soldier kind of settles it," Aerielle answered. "You know our boy, he was the rebel and not the one to follow rules."
"If he was really pretending to be dead, the glass would have fogged up and we would have seen him breathe in and out," Marshal said.
"Besides, apart from the leaguer record, in which, he is already an off-radar, why would he want to play dead? To get people's attention? No, that's a stunt teenagers would throw, not this lad," Jhanelle said glumly and honestly, Taylor doesn't want to hear anything about their discussion.
Kendall was staring directly at the casket and Taylor noticed that. She glanced at it for a moment and saw the same scene of a partially opened casket, flowers surrounding it with an altar just right above it.
"His hair was shorter," Kendall said to Taylor while she merely shrugged because she hadn't taken a look, neither would she want to.
Again, for a moment, Taylor was staring blankly in front of her.
"Taylor, Taylor!" Jhanelle raised her voice, making her snap back.
Taylor blinked a few times and then looked at Jhanelle, "Uh what? What did you say?"
"How are you and uh —"
"Fine," she answered so easily. "Things were fine until you know, here."
Jhanelle smiled a bit, "We wanted to know how're you taking it?" Her eyes moved to the direction of the casket and back to Taylor very quickly.
"Awfully," she answered honestly while pursing her lips. "I can't even — look at him."
"If it helps, he seemed peaceful," Niall said but it didn't help. The fact that Harry is gone is just not something she could easily take in. No matter how long she hasn't seen him, no matter how many things have changed, there was no changing the fact that Harry has an impact on her. . . far worse than she ever known.
After a moment, Niall sighed, "Come on, you need to get out for a moment, take a breath."
"But I'm fine here," she lied. The scent of those candles, flowers and other people's perfume was suffocating her. It just kept reminding her that Harry is gone.
"Taylor, take a breath, this won't be good for you," Niall said in deep concern whereas she was determined to stay right where she is.
"Taylor please, as you friend, and Harry's friend. I told him I'd look out for you, come on."
Taylor shut her eyes and sighed, "Okay, maybe just for a minute."
Niall and Taylor walked their way out. She kept her head low as she approached those unfamiliar faces. Outside of the house, about dozens of teenagers were sitting around, minding their own businesses and she thought they might be the ones Gemma was talking about.
As soon as they were a few metres from the house, Taylor took a very deep breath. She wouldn't admit it but she was relieved of being outside of the house for a moment.
She had been biting her lip for sometime now, tugging tightly on her black dress. She felt like hyperventilating as she could barely breathe.
"Niall," she said in a quiet voice. Niall snapped his attention to her, "Why did it have to be Harry?"
There it was, the question she had been holding in for so long. Why did it have to be him?! Why did it have to be the boy she had fallen for?
Tears slowly started falling from her eyes. For years, she had been strong and on her own, running a company and being on top of it. . . but now, even if Harry wasn't actually there, his effect on her never faded. Now that she was so close to him, there was her hidden part that is showing itself again.
Through the woman of strength and independence, she had returned back to the girl Harry had always loved.
She was so stupid! If only she was there for him, then maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Niall took her in his arms as she wept, remorse and woe had overcame her. She held on to him, saying how she was so stupid and she was too late to get it back. She was too late for everything now. There isn't a space for what will be but instead, for what could have been.
Her chest was getting tighter and she knew her heart wouldn't last that long if she kept this up.
All this time, this was the only moment Taylor had let herself break free. . . even if it meant breaking down. There wasn't a single thing she wouldn't do just to have what they used to have.
Taylor broke free from Niall's arms and let herself calm down. She was good at that, she was very talented in hiding that from those tough years. . . she smiled painfully and wiped her tears.
"Th-Thanks, N-Niall," she said still trying to catch her breath.
"It wasn't your fault, Tay," Niall reminded her. Of course, it wasn't her fault because she wasn't there when it happened and she didn't know it would happen. . . yet, it was quite uneasy not to blame it on herself because maybe if she wasn't so caught up with her life, she would still have all the time with Harry.
He was just a boy she met years ago. . . a boy she loved so much but tried to forget.
"Uh, Niall," Taylor said, "Y-You can go ahead, I'll catch up."
"Are you sure?" Niall asked, doubt filling in his head as it may have seemed erratic to leave a troubled lady alone.
Yet, she smiled reassuringly at him, "I promise, I'll be fine. I kinda just need to be alone for a moment."
He sighed, he knew all too well that her smile was forced out and Taylor was in agony yet, he let her be. "Alright, I'll see you later, okay?"
Taylor nodded, "Yeah."
She walked alone for a while, looking at the sceneries and often, staring at the clear night skies, it seemed to calm her down.
She thought about how she was ever going to live on with her life with a knowledge that Harry was a love left behind. He shouldn't be. He deserved all the love in the world. People had always misunderstood him, if not, over-appreciate him, never exactly looking at how much of a real person he is, how much of his whole personality was just right in the middle lines of almost everything.
For years, Taylor was able to convince herself that she had moved on. . . but she always failed at trying to convince herself that she had already let go. No, she was holding on. She was still holding onto Harry and every memory they had.
She looked down on her hands, feeling guilty about everything else that's going on.
Never in her life had she expected something like this to happen to her. But neither did she expect that Harry would depart at such a young age.
Of course, Taylor knew that Harry was human. . . but, it was a saddening thought that she would rather believe he was an immortal anytime. She had been caught in that illusion for so long, she'd rather it was the reality she has to face.
When she finally had enough of her thoughts, Taylor walked back to the Styles house. The teenagers were still there and some were giving her odd glances that she couldn't shake off quite easily.
Until one of the teenagers near the porch steps took his headphones off and smiled up at her, "Excuse me, miss, you look familiar."
Taylor shrugged, she didn't know the teen, "M-Maybe someone else, I uh, I just got here."
"Oh, alright then, in you go," he replied with another smile and put his headphones back on.
She shrugged it off even though the feeling was kind of weird.
She noticed that the seats near the casket wasn't so crowded as it was earlier. She asked Niall and he said most of them were at the back, listening to the music being played by the band or grabbing a bite to eat. Niall even offered her to come with him yet she declined.
As Taylor was leaning against the wall, standing in an almost empty room, she thought maybe, it was time to say goodbye to him.
She was against it. Every single cell in her body was against her saying goodbye, or even taking a look at him because she couldn't imagine an image or a thought of Harry being lifeless. Even in the times when he was sick, he had never looked lifeless. . . that was something out of his vocabulary.
Still, she urged herself to do so.
One heartbeat, two heartbeats, three heartbeats. . . and it went on until she lost count. The next second she knew, she was already right in front of the casket, one step away from getting a glance of him.
Taylor bit her lip and took a step forward.
Harry was as gorgeous as ever. He looked way more mature than he did before, his hair was shorter and his face structure slightly changed. Maybe he looked like a serious young man but Taylor still saw the boy she loves.
She was right, lifeless wasn't in Harry's vocabulary. . . he just looked like he was sleeping and Taylor liked it better that way.
Tears had found their way to Taylor's eyes once more.
"I — I should be saying goodbye, right?" Taylor asked quietly as her fingers trailed along the casket. She held her tears in, fighting as she didn't want to cry again. "Or saying whatever I wanted to say. . . right?"
She didn't get a response, but she wasn't expecting one. "I've got nothing to say to you, Harry," She whispered. "I said what I wanted to when you were alive."
Taylor leaned in for a moment, "What I wasn't able to say is a realisation. . ."
"Harry, I'd give everything just to have you back. . . because I don't want to live a sad song."