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On with the story! (Remember I warned you beforehand!)
Cameron's P.O.V.
I run out the room knowing what he's going to do. It's the most realistic thing I can think of right now.
I was right. I find Shawn exactly where I thought he was. He hasn't done anything yet. The tears are running down his cheeks. I stand there in the doorway with a shocked look. It's what I can see of myself in the mirror. I look Shawn in the eyes through the mirror. He keeps his back facing me.
"Why?" I ask him. He shrugs. "Why?" I ask again. I fall in repeat a lot. I want to laugh at my own thoughts, but I can't. Not now, not here and definitely not in this situation.
Shawn shrugs again.
I walk up to him until I'm standing right behind him. "If you do it, does it mean I can do it?" I ask him holding out my hand. His facial expression changes to looking at me like I'm a madman. "Excuse me?" He asks me with a hoarse voice. "Can I use the blade?" I ask him.
I'm very calm through all of this. I never knew I was capable of doing this.
He shakes his head. "N-No of course not." He stutters. "Why not? Give me one good reason why I can't hurt myself." I order him.
He looks at me like I'm crazy. "Because you don't want to go down that road." He says. "Why did you?" I ask him. He hesitates with answering, his lips form the words he wants to spill, but nothing leaves his mouth. He shrugs.
"Think Shawn! Answer me!" I yell at him. Shawn jumps from my outburst and I calm myself down after it. I go back to the calm boy I was before that.
"I don't know. It was too much. I never wanted it. I never wanted to start it, let alone keep doing it. I feel so guilty after each time and it just hurts even more." He spills. He is talking fast. His cries get worse. He is scared of me.
Shawn turns back to the mirror and leans on the counter with both hands. He squeezes his fist that is holding the blade. Blood drops seep through his fingers. He's cutting his hand. His face tells me that he doesn't notice it. He's so numb that he can't feel the pain of the little cuts he might be making on his palm right now.
I quickly grab his hand and hold it. I don't care if I get blood on my body or clothes. Shawn is more important.
I roll up my sleeve and hold my arm in front of him
"Here. Use this." I tell him strictly. He looks up at me. "No." He says. "Then don't do it. You use my arm, or you don't cut at all." His cries calm down, but the tears keep running.
"You are crazy." He tells me. "I don't care. I just need to know why." I defend myself after his statement. I keep looking at him to see every reaction he makes. Whether he changes his expression or moves his ring finger. I need to know everything to understand.
When he stands there doing nothing but crying I forcefully grab his arm with my hand and place his hand with blade pointing out on my arm. I can feel the tears in my eyes.
Shawn's cries get louder and he begs for me to stop. "I won't stop until I know why." I tell him.
"Cut me." I tell him.
He doesn't do that.
I grab his hand and press the blade further down on my skin.
Shawn's cries for me to stop get louder.
I calmly move his hand over my arm with enough force to leave a red angry cut behind. It's not too deep, but it does hurt.
Shawn is sobbing and crying. He keeps yelling at me to stop doing this.
"How much did that hurt? Huh? Tell me how much it hurt for you to cut me." I calmly ask him.
"So much. It hurt so much. Stop doing this. You're crazy Cameron." He says.
I'm not quite satisfied with his answer. I grab his arm again. I place it a little under the cut we've already made.
Shawn starts crying harder when he knows what I'm doing.
"Cameron, stop it! Stop it right now! You don't have to do this!" Are a few of the things he tells me to stop me from hurting myself with his hand and his blade.
I trace my hand with his in mine over my arm again. I look him straight in the eyes as I pull our hands across my arm. It hurts more. He begs me with both his words and eyes. There are so many tears that have escaped his eyes and mine.
The newest cut on my arm is deeper and bleeding worse. I should stop the bleeding.
"Why do you think you can do this to yourself?" I ask him.
"I don't know." He cries. "I don't know. I don't want it, I don't want this, I never wanted this, I promise." He finishes.
I let go of his hands and he lets out a cry of relief. He's shaking and I place him on the edge of the present bathtub. I don't have on in my room.
Turning on the tabs, I keep my arm under it for a few seconds.
I turn off the tabs. Shawn is really stressed out. I take him in my arms and he slowly but surely calms down. "I'm sorry." I mutter. "N-No, I'm sorry." He says while hiccupping. I slightly smile. I guess we are okay.
Shawn needs support while walking, so I support him out of the bathroom. I unlock the door and take him with me outside. The boys immediately know something went down. They probably already knew. They must have heard us scream and yell every once in a while.
Shawn jumps into Matt's arms who acts right immediately. He puts both arms tightly around Shawn as Shawn breaks down again. The sight of it makes the tears spring back in my eyes. This time Nash acts who takes me in his arms. I had forgotten about my arms, but now that I'm hugging him, while he is wearing a white shirt made me realise.
I pull my arms away from him. The two cuts sting a little. Nash looks surprised. That is, until he sees my arms. "What did you do?" Shawn lets out a sob at that question.
"Nothing." I croak. Nash decides that he doesn't care and hugs me again. I don't care and cling to him.
I can't seem to function normally.
Nash let go of me and puts me against the wall so I can support myself. He whispers something to Gilinsky who then whispers something to Johnson, who then whispers something to Matt.
Matt seems to be the last one to get the message as he, Shawn and the Jacks leave. I can see them enter the Jacks room. "I want to know what happened, right now!" Nash yells the last part.
"I uh..." I start to cry. I haven't shed any tears from realisation. Only now does it dawn on me what I really just did. Nash's expression turns sorrow and to one of compassion.
"Why do you have cuts on your arm?" He asks me in the nicest way possible. I lift up my arm to take a look at it.
"I uh..." I can't seem to say anything else then that. "It's okay Cameron. I'm just worried." I look around the rest of the guys. These boys being Hayes, Carter, Taylor and Nash himself.
"After Carter asked us where Shawn was, I just knew. I knew what he wanted. I went to his room and I found him. He was about to cut himself. Have you ever seen someone who was about to do that in front of you? No matter if you are in front of him or not? It hurt. I confronted him with that. I told him that he shouldn't cut or use my arm." I pause. Hayes has got tears in his eyes, but hasn't shed them, yet.
"He didn't want to do that. I asked him why it was okay for him to hurt himself and why I couldn't do it to myself. Even though I was calm, I placed his hand with his blade on my arm. I dragged it. I just dragged it across. Shawn yelled for me to let go and to stop this. I couldn't. I couldn't stop it." I looked up at Nash. His tears are running down his cheeks. Did I make a mistake? Was it unfair to scare Shawn so bad?
Matt had come back to listen to this. He heard about me dragging Shawn's arm over my arm and cutting me.
"I asked him how much it hurt. I wasn't okay with his answer and dragged our hands over my arm again. Deeper, this time. He begged for me to stop." I cry.
Matt hugs me. "You scared him so bad." He tells me. I nod. I know how much I scared him and I regret it.
"Don't regret it. Maybe now he realises how much it hurts us, and himself. He will realise how wrong it is. He is going to get help. We will get him help." Matt tells me. I nod, but I didn't even convince myself.
"Let's get you to bed." Nash says. "I'm fine. How is Shawn?" I ask Matt. "We managed to calm him down and got him to fall asleep. I'm going back there now." He says pointing behind him. I nod.
"Let's go clean you up then." Nash tells me and he takes me back to his room. Hayes being the only one left in the hallway that had been consumed with the boys only minutes ago.
Don't say I hadn't warned you!
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