23rd June, 2020
Abdullah bin 'Amr narrated that the Messenger of Allah (s.a.w) said: "Allah decreed the measures fiffy-thousand years before He created the Heavens and the earth." Grade: Sahih
Chapter 16:
Poetess, And Her Prayers
The entire Ramadhan had flown by in a blink of an eye. Kareema was still in denial that there would be no more taraweeh nights, nor suhoor, nor the blessed fard fasting for another eleven months. Eid was just as beautiful as it was every year, and before she knew it, the date of her wedding was knocking on her door. There were only a few hours left for the nikah, it was the darkest night she had ever seen. And she was somehow hyperventilating with random insecure thoughts clouding her happiness.
She could barely sleep, butterflies were dancing in her stomach throughout the ascent and descent of the moon. Whenever she felt like that, poetry and prayer were her go-to things. But even after she had completed tahajjud in the last third of the night, she couldn't concentrate on poetry. She sighed, waiting for Fajr and counting adhkar on her fingers. She smiled, reminiscing at the sudden changes she had witnessed in the blessed month.
After rushing Noora to the hospital almost a month ago, Diamond Masjid Group had announced that Ramadhan was set to commence that night onwards. It had rained beautifully, and Kareema had never seen a Ramadhan start so soothingly. Or perhaps she was a little excited as it would be her last 'Ramadhan of singlehood'. Noora and Brother Mustafa were blessed with a baby boy, whose aqeeqah was held soon after, naming him Ibrahim.
Kareema remembered catching a glimpse of Ahsan at the aqeeqah. She had gone up on the roof to check on the laundry, and it was when she was returning that she momentarily froze on the steps. He was talking to her father, carrying a smile that melted her heart. When he noticed her, he stopped talking abruptly before turning away. Kareema almost giggled, she found it so innocently cute.
Noora had recovered quickly, Brother Mustafa's care for her had only grown post-pregnancy. Kareema had captured many moments on her camera, and though she was beyond happy for the new parents, she wondered if she'd ever find that happiness with Ahsan. It scared her that she was already second guessing her promise to Ahsan, but it was also true that she had never imagined a childless life...
Ahsan had warned her so many times, and though she didn't regret choosing him, she made Du'a that He gives her the strength to continue. Somehow, she was so sure it would work out, even if Ahsan remained unconvinced. She admired his take on reality though, it kept her rooted and reassured. But, she wondered, what guarantee have I given you, Ahsan? She knew she was a dreamer before he pointed it out to her, but what good could that be in a world full of realities?
What good is hope, she was told by people, when in the end it breaks your heart? Medicine speaks facts, she knew that, but was it wrong to believe that the One who created those facts has the ability to bend them? And something told her it was just because of the thinking that he had chosen her too.
"Where did I manage to find a girl like you, Kareema?" Ahsan's voice echoed in her head.
And she sighed, before closing her eyes, his voice soothing her worries.
You need a dreamer, don't you? She asked him. Perhaps a mind to tear away the bitterness of realities, to fill you with hope, to let you fly freely? Maybe a soul to stand with yours when you let go of the steering, so He can show you how well you're taken care of? A hand to steady the strokes of paint on your canvas? And a few words, ones you can call home and on which you can fall back at the end of the day?
She had vowed to be all those things and more when he had arrived to ask for her hand in marriage. But now it scared her, she wondered how she'd be able to keep her promise. And still, it was strange how impatient she felt as the long night dragged on. She knew Noora wouldn't be happy to hear that she hadn't gotten a wink of beauty sleep. But she was worried out of her mind, even after knowing it for days that she'd be marrying him...
Was she doing the right thing?
Was this what was best for her? And would she make it? Would she reach Ahsan before death overtook her? Would she ever be able to tell him all the things she had ever thought about him? It was a different kind of heaviness to think that perhaps he might never know what her mind had spun for him.
Ahsan, her mind spoke. Even if we're only a few hours away from a forever we've prayed for, I miss you.
She wondered if he was fast asleep, perhaps with a content and happy heart, maybe after giving everyone his signature smile.
Aaaargh. That smile.
"Ya Allah, let me reach the dawn." She whispered, trying her hardest to count her blessings that shone like stars through the dark clouds of the night, yet waiting for the miracle to lighten her sky. She had fought her wars enough to know that ease was, as He promised, near. "Let me reach the happiness I have dreamt about, let me reach the dawn."
***
"Leila, can you remove her necklace?" Husna said, looking at the bride with a scrutinizing eye.
But Leila was lost in her thoughts, a sort of bitter feeling settling over her head as she remembered the white envelope on her desk.
"Leila?" Husna waved a hand before her.
"Oh sorry, what?" She blinked.
"You okay?" Kareema looked at her friend.
"Aah, I should be asking you that." Leila said, shaking off the things on her mind. "How are you feeling right now?"
"I don't know, it's a mess in my head." Kareema spoke, taking a deep breathe to calm herself as her friends laughed.
"No matter how messy it is inside your head, you're not looking messy outside." Husna declared. "Remove that necklace right now."
"No, I want to wear it for the nikah!" Kareema resisted.
"No way, it does not go with your dress." Husna said at once.
"She's right, where did you get this anyway?" Leila questioned, resting the flower pendent on her fingers.
"Ahsan--"
"Ohhhh!" Husna said, raising her eyebrows. "So that's what this is about!"
A light pink tinge appeared on Kareema's face as Leila shook her head with a smile. When they'd found out that Kareema had gone to sleep very late, she'd signed herself up for a lecture from Noora and Husna. But Leila felt like she'd do the same if she was in Kareema's place. How would she sleep knowing that the next day everything in her life would change? She'd given Kareema a hug instead, and talked her into wearing the wedding dress without tears.
"Ahem, so I want to keep wearing it." Kareema relayed.
"Nope, sorry." Husna said, taking it off. "You can wear it tonight if you want, with your nightgown." She grinned.
"Oh my God." Kareema squealed, turning even redder. "It is so hard to talk to people nowadays!"
"Hey, I'm just saying my sentences with no other meaning." Husna laughed, giving her a quick hug.
"You'll be fine, In Shaa Allah." Leila squeezed her hand.
Normally, Leila would take part in teasing Kareema endlessly, but since that day in Ramadhan, her mind was busy worrying about a white envelope...
"Five scrumptious layers of coffee-bathed chocolate gateau, with Belgian chocolate filling, fluffy whipped cream and raspberry icing... Aah!" Saliha Abdul-Kareem, Leila's new colleague, grinned. "The cook really outdid the dessert for lunch today."
"Shut up." Leila threw an empty roll of tissue paper at her friend. "I'm fasting!"
"Oh, and there was a cool glass of citrusy lemonade mixed with chilled soda as well."
"I read this really good murder mystery book, I might take a few ideas out of it." Leila spoke sweetly.
"Yeah?" Saliha smirked. "But it won't let me forget how beautifully golden and crunchy the crispy chicken was!"
"You're so mean! Leila cried.
"Or how spicy and delicious the garlic dip--"
"Leila Ma'am, there's an order to process this." The receptionist, who had walked into the Admin Office, said as she placed a white envelope on Leila's table.
"Okay." Leila responded and reached for the envelope.
"And then there was --"
"Aah, shush you!" Leila chided, making Saliha laugh.
Leila glanced at the envelope, and raised an eyebrow. It was a resignation letter. She'd never seen one at the hospital before, it was stamped with the authenticated seal too. What confused her more than anything was how it was addressed to her. She carefully opened the seal and took two papers out. One of them said;
"Miss. Leila, please hold onto this and don't process it until I contact you. --Laeeq Abdullah."
And the other one was an official request for resignation written by Laeeq. There were a few things on the form that we're kept blank, and Leila assumed that it was because of that that he'd asked her to wait. However, as the days passed, she received no call from him. It began to worry her, she felt like there was something she had done which was so wrong that he'd need to talk to her about it. Perhaps he had even written his resignation letter because of her...
"Okay, smoothen the creases." Husna continued her instructions. "Now turn around slowly... and walk."
"Who's going to do this at your wedding?" Kareema grinned.
"Noora, duh!" She said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"You!" Leila gasped.
"Just kidding, I trust my best friends." Husna laughed.
"You must." Kareema chided her. "What's the point of we can't order you around on your wedding day?" She laughed, getting a light smack from Husna.
"Yes, and you should trust us... with your packing." Leila smiled mischievously.
"Uh oh, I shouldn't have said that." Kareema looked visibly worried as her friends laughed.
"Relax, habibti." Leila smirked. "We're packing only halal clothes for you."
"You have dangerous definitions of halal." Kareema remarked. "Don't touch my comfy clothes, okay!"
"You're either going without a bag or with the clothes we pack for you." Husna stuck her tongue out at her best friend.
"If without the bag is your choice, I'm sure Ahsan won't mind lending you clothes." Leila elaborated.
Redder than tomatoes, Kareema laughed along with her friends, for she knew she'd have to let them have their fun this way. It wasn't until Leila told her that they'd better start taking pictures for Ahsan when she realised she was stepping into the newest shoes Allah has chosen for her. And though it would be hard initially, though she'd get cuts and bruises, she'd have to bear it with patience. At the end of this life, she'd know they were the most comfortable ones she could ever get. For when a poetess whispers her prayers, the richness of her tawakkul could melt the stars and the moon.