Four straight sleepless nights with nothing but the vague memories run through my mind. For a while, I was just watching the movies I had in my phone since everything was in my laptop. The external, I got back but the rest of it was entirely useless and beyond repair. For those times, I borrowed Niall's so I could watch my old movies and download new ones, and he let me as he doesn't use it very much.
Sleep was hardly my friend as it doesn't even visit me. Thoughts, well, keep your enemies closer and closer they were in my head. They've just been filling my mind with memories and thoughts. . . mostly it's freaking her.
"Where you headed, mate?" Niall asked seeing as we were both up by six AM and I was getting dressed to go somewhere.
"I gotta take my mind off things." I replied, my thoughts had been bugging me for days now, I could barely get any rest from it, there's just no escaping the things I did.
I didn't regret it, I didn't regret the firecrackers, the hallway rains, I didn't regret those. But I do regret wrecking what my friends worked hard for and destroying what I've been building here in Canada.
This is what I meant by total disaster. As if everything is planned out for me, whenever I plan something out and break it, just as I knew it, catastrophe always breaks out. It's why I have my personal superstitions in the first place, to keep me in place. Now, that I am completely out of place, I just don't know what to do and I couldn't go back to what I always do here. . . because that involved my friends and Taylor.
I was really sorry. Regret and guilt had never filled me up as much as it does now. I really want to make it up for them but I don't know how. Niall is helping me keep up with them, he helps explain what happened because I was suspended and it'll be like that until the end of the week.
I started putting my shoes on as Niall was getting dressed in his uniform. I took my shades with me and somehow, that made Niall's eyebrows furrow and his mouth form into a thin line. He knows purely well that I don't bring my shades with me.
"What are you going to do?" He asked, not in any way offensive. I couldn't be set off by Niall's tones at the moment as he's the only friend I have left who really understood me.
I am more than grateful that he is there. At least, I had someone with me. He didn't like my actions, he didn't like what I did but he was there enough to understand and that's what kept me from being mad at the whole world. At least I have a friend with me.
"You know the thing Ajax had been inviting us out? That seemed fun at the moment." I said blankly. The word 'fun' isn't exactly taking its effects in my mind right now.
"The dirt track? You'd go there?" He asked and he seemed a bit worried.
I took my coat and put it on me, "You know you can't stop me." I said, expressionless.
"You just got back on your feet." He said and he was right. Yesterday was the first time I was strong enough to stand up after I collapsed last Friday. . . after everything.
It took me a lot just for Niall not to take me to the hospital because as I've said, I don't like needles. I've been used to this. I haven't even been hospitalised back home when I'm sick. Mostly, it's just rest and then I'll get better.
"I can't concentrate on anything." I said, "I can't even sleep. I need to do something, I-I need to get back to —"
I stopped once I remembered Taylor's voice ringing inside my head. . . the ones that she said last time about people getting hurt and them taking responsibility for your actions. I kept hearing it inside my head and it's one of the reasons I couldn't sleep.
I told myself I wouldn't care, that the more painful her words are, the more it would numb me. . . I was wrong.
"I need to get her out of my head, Niall." I said, my voice was quiet and it just showed how weak my willpower is when it comes to her. Shit, I didn't come here for this effect on me!
"Why?" He asked.
I shut my eyes for a moment and then I took a deep breath. "Because she's always in it! I feel like I'm going to be demented, any moment longer. She — she just lectures me one damn time about the league and now, I-- I c-couldn't even — she shouldn't have that effect on me!"
Last time, when Nathan pulled that bloody prank, I was mad at her for stopping it. I'd have forgave her easily if she didn't get in that argument with Niall and by the way, even Niall didn't understand why she was mad. And then, that Friday, she had this speech about being a leaguer and hurting everyone. Because obviously, that's what she thinks I'm trying to do. That's why I wasn't as appreciative as I always am.
Now, almost everything could actually remind me of her when I don't want to see her even in my thoughts. I couldn't even play Harvest Moon.
I ran my hand through my hair frustratedly. "Just give me this one, mate."
He nodded, "Alright, if it helps you out. Careful there."
I nodded, putting my headphones on after my beanie. That was the end of the discussion. As always, I walked my way there, even though it was snowing and the day was colder than the days before. I gave Ajax a heads up that I'm going, and since that lad have the most time in the world, he couldn't even be more happier. He said he'd invite some of his friends and he'd gladly let me borrow one of his motorcycles.
I groaned once I heard my phone rang but I answered it anyways. I'm just thankful that it was my sister but to be honest, I was a bit worried that she might scold me like mum did.
"I assume you already knew." I said immediately as a greeting.
"Well, you know mum." She replied. "What have you been up to?"
"It's nice to set fire to the rain." I said, quoting Adele's song. "Don't ask. I can't explain anything."
"You know, mum is just concerned because you're graduating." Gemma said and to be honest, I almost forgot about that fact.
"Oh." I blinked, well, I could barely recall it. "I'm sorry, then." I said.
"You still alright there, bud?" She asked.
I shrugged a bit, "I'm not in the mood for conversations, honestly." I said in a dismissive tone.
"Fine then, just checking up anyways." She said and then ended the call.
I hardly do anything, maybe that is why I don't get tired enough to sleep. It's why I wanted to go out. Even if it's a schoolday, Ajax has a lot of free time in his hands, he could whip something up.
I got to the indoor dirt track he was talking about. Outside, it seemed just like a normal, wide establishment but inside, the ceilings were definitely too high and the space was indescribably enough for the hills, slopes and turns.
People could actually race here.
Ajax greeted me and introduced me to some of his friends. Turns out they were already planning for it, he just made it earlier for doing him a favour. As far as I was concerned, the only favour I did him was the fact that because of the games I played, his father liked it a lot better.
He lent me his bike and apparently, I wasn't that concerned on the damages again. I put on every safety equipment and then later on, we raced around the track.
I have no idea why I came here. . . mostly, I just knew it'd get my mind of things but now I'm just asking myself why I couldn't have done it earlier?
Joy wasn't the word for it, neither was excitement. . . it was actually the need for adventure.
Feeling the wind against me and hearing the loud growl of the bikes, makes me want to just experience it all the way. I am thrill-seeker, it had been quite a while since I've done something like this. . . something recklessly dangerous that gives me the slightest satisfaction.
Every instinct and vein of mine was working for it, every time I speed up, or the bike defies gravity, I just want it to continue.
And the top of it, I got to have my mind off things. It wasn't fun, fun wasn't the word for it. . . but it was enough for me.
I won some races, but it was hardly a fair number. Six out of twenty something but that was alright to me. I wasn't looking forward to winning. I was just in it for the thrills.
In the afternoon, I thanked all of them and I headed back to the dorm. . . at least for a few hours my mind was off things.
I sunk on my bed so easily, now suddenly feeling the impacts of those falls and stumbles I had during the races. My muscles ached and my head was still in the races, well, at least it's better than being numb about it.
"You probably should give it a rest for a moment." Niall advised and all I did was nod.
After a moment, I stood up and took an apple out of the mini fridge and gave a few bits and pieces to CM. When I took my jacket off as I wanted to go to sleep, I saw the couple of bruises on my skin, making me swear. I didn't mind it afterwards as I lied on my bed and prepared myself for another sleepless night.
Honestly, I wish I could play with something, my cards, my knives but thank you, Nathan Hallows, the ones I have left are in England.
I borrowed Niall's laptop again and did nothing for the whole night but watch movies, some were my favourites but some were just to pass the time.
That was my entire week, actually. . . just the thrills, bikes and the games but I rarely took things seriously. . . or excitedly. For one reason, everything I do just seems to help me pass the time. At night, when it's not the movies I'm spending my time on, it's just me walking around, sometimes boarding but it was risky as well, seeing as it was snowy and the streets are slippery. It's just the same every night.
"Harry, you should take it easy." Niall said as I sunk again on my bed without a shirt on so, he could see my bruises and the slight scratches.
"I'm fine." I said, now even I don't know if I'm lying or not. I pulled the covers up to my head. "I just can't sleep." I added.
Sleep is very important for me, especially that I have this problem when I don't sleep at night, I get dizzy often. But there was barely something I could do. I couldn't sleep as much as I wanted to.
Niall threw me something and I caught it easily with my right hand. I raised an eyebrow at him. "Sleeping pills?" I asked in disbelief.
He sat on his bed and started going through his notebooks so there's more than fifty percent chance that he's got homeworks. "To help you sleep."
I groaned and put it on the desk near me. "I uh, I don't like medicine." I said, "It makes me look like I'm depressed."
"Yeah, well, you're close to insomniac so, we're all kind of worried." He replied. "Kendall suggested that."
"Not all." I corrected. I suddenly regretted what I said as somehow, just somehow, everything just falls back to her name. It just happens again. . .and again. . .and again.
"Well, fine." He muttered, in was thankful it didn't lead go her this time. Or he just chose to ignore it. "Just uh, try to sleep, mate. Please, you look like a fucking vampire."
"Classic type or Twilight type?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Close to Count Dracula." He answered, "Except without the fangs." He smiled yet it easily disappeared as my effect in the atmosphere doesn't quite involve a cheery vibe.
I felt a bit dizzy so I made my way to the bathroom and again, tossed some cookies. I cleaned my face first before going back to bed.
"Mate, you should get checked."
I nodded but I wasn't planning on it. "It'll pass. I've just been lacking sleep."
"Harry,"
"I'm good, mum, I'm really fine." I told him and it's one of the first few times that I teased him. He chuckled a bit. "It's the reason why I go out. I sort of needed something to get me tired."
"Do you check up on her?" Niall asked all of a sudden. I don't get it, somehow, everything just falls back to her.
"Who?" I asked, pretending I didn't know that he was talking about Taylor. . . and me going out every night. Of course, he'd suspect that I was checking up on her because that's what I used to do and every night, after or before my movie marathons, I go out around town.
"Taylor." He answered, I wasn't sure if he detected that pretentious tone or he just haven't the slightest idea.
My eyebrows met and my lips had already formed into a frown. I rubbed my temples with my hand saying, "Why would you think that?"
"Because you go out. . . every night for the past days." He answered in a light tone and then started writing down a bunch of things in his notebook. . . homework.
"That doesn't mean I go out for her." I said bitterly. "I don't go out for unimportant things, Niall."
"So Taylor is unimportant now?" He asked and I stayed quiet for a moment.
I licked my lips and looked down, searching for an answer somewhere inside my head. "I didn't say that." I replied and blinked a few times. "I just said I don't want to be reminded of her at the very moment."
"Are you still mad at her?" He asked, "Because if you are, I can also explain her side to you as I have been explaining yours to her."
I shrugged blankly, "To be honest, I just don't want to talk about Taylor. That's it for me."
"Why not?"
"Maybe I was still annoyed at the fact that she thought I was actually doing things on purpose? No? Not only that." I muttered. "And maybe it was just my time of the month again." I joked at the last part so he could lay me off the subject.
"She just didn't want you to go over the line." Niall started but I don't really want to listen to it.
"Niall," I said. . . "I don't want you to apologise or explain for her. If she wants to do those things, she can actually just say it to me, like she said about being a leaguer and how she quit. She'd been honest then, she can be honest any time later on." I added with a bitter smile but my eyes were fixed on a glare.
I was expecting a different reaction from Niall. I thought he would get angry because I know Taylor's his friend too but instead, he smiled, "Funny."
"What's so funny?" I asked, my eyebrows furrowing again.
"Funny how that's almost the same thing she said." He snickered, "You two are so alike."
Didn't I just made it clear that I don't really want to talk about Taylor?! Honestly, I know how much we are alike, I didn't need to be reminded of that at all!
"Not in the mood, Neo." I said, dismissively. I said and started heading to the door. "I'll see you later, man. I'll just borrow your laptop later."
He grinned at me but all I did was nod at him as I made my way out.
Feeling the cold sink through my clothes and to my skin, it was a slight relief. The streets were rather dark yet the streetlights and other lights from the establishments. I kept my hands in my pockets as even with my gloves, my hands and feet are always the ones who feels too chilly.
I kept my head down, practically slouching as I walked, my headphones up, again over my beanie and I was wearing some nerdy glasses for whatever reason I just took it. It fogs up every once in a while, which gets rather annoying but it was a way for me to get distracted. . . to actually realise where I'm going.
Kicking the snow as I walk, I made my way through the old parts in town where everything seemed peaceful, the park, the frozen pond, the bridge, the hills, they were beautiful but they gave me so much more to think about. Funny how beauty can be your calm when at the same time, it'll be your storm.
My glasses fogged up again, I was on the side of the road, under a streetlight with a few cars passing by so I was able to spare a few moments in wiping lenses. The moment I felt the glasses at the bridge of my nose again, I looked around and saw a clearer picture.
I reckon you just find yourself in the same old places.
There was the same old familiar bridge in front of me, the one where I threatened to jump from. . . and literally jumped from. I looked down and saw the thin layer of ice covering the lake, it hadn't frozen over yet anyways.
I strayed away from my thoughts as possible and kept walking forward before the memories flooded in.
Breathless, I looked up at the night skies. . .
I saw a clear picture of an angel. A slight smile pulled on my lips because I didn't have to look around the world for everything beautiful, I just need to see her.
It's true that I don't want to be reminded of Taylor. . .
I want to see her.
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Author's ♪:
Here we go again. . . so the multiple updates are for you guys and well, especially that I freaking heard "Ever Since New York" by Harold Styles, I've been freaking out.
Oh and regarding the issue of how I end my stories. . . well, *smile* you guys are probably forgetting about fun fact number 25 on TIL and the Author's♪ in Chapter 20.
Anyways, thanks for reading until now. You guys are all so amazing!
Stay awesomeee!!!! 😊😁😍😘
~DP22