Chapter 55
Shit was about to hit the fan, ladies and genitals. And when it did, I wanted that shit to hit her in the face. Maybe she could swallow it too, get sick, and die. I mean, that would make things so much more easier. But also very unlikely at the same time, unfortunately. I suppose it doesn't matter. Because either way, the fan will fling it somewhere. And it will require dodging. I need to be ready when that happens. And I will be this time, I had to be.
I can't let her get the upper hand this time if she actually does get violent with me. It's happened too many times now... where she will get the upper hand in a fight because of a small slip up or mistake by me. Or just luck on her side. Not this time though, I would make sure of it. I knew I could take this nasty fuck down and needed to be ready too. Of course, I wouldn't push for that yet. She wanted civil and have everything stay calm? Alrighty. Lets be civil, Clare, and see how far that gets us.
Sighing deeply, I narrowed my eyes on her as I stood there, watching her from where she was seated in the chair. She appeared so relaxed... but I wasn't buying it. I took a few steps closer to the coffee table but that was it and I wasn't sitting down. If I was standing, it gave me a better advantage if she so much as tries to do something. And after all, higher ground always is better in battle (that's right, I know war bitches).
My arms crossed, I stood there and stared her down. My eyebrows dipped and I was disgusted with her already. "What do you want to talk about, my wonderful mother?"
"Your freedom," she said simply in return. Her face was blank, and she was still. All except her eyes which were radiating fire, aimed right at me. Hate and hope as she spoke.
I raised an eyebrow and snorted, not letting that look she was giving me get to me. But I wont lie, I was nervous about whatever this was she wanted to talk about. I mean... freedom? I could smell the BS on her breath. Rather, I had a good bet it was to tell me that she knew about Luke and me. Or that she knew that we were looking for Emily's body.
"Freedom from you?" I shook my head. "I would say 'hallelujah' but I can't get my hopes up with the devil's mistress."
"Would you just cut this shit," she said, annoyed and rolling her eyes, finally offering up more than a blank face. I sighed under my breath as she continued. "Can't I just talk to you, mother to daughter?" she said innocently and smirking.
I half rolled my eyes and gave her a toneless, "No." I shook my head. "We have never just 'talked'" I said, now getting annoyed with her much more.
"You're lucky I don't just get rid of you now, you little cunt," she growled in a fast hiss.... and it was so full of hatred, it caught me straight off guard. I've rarely heard her voice go that deep, that menacing - and that's saying a lot when I'm referring to Clare herself. I stared at her for a long moment, my heart jumping at the growl in her throat. And then... just silence. It was like she was trying to calm herself. Because I could see that fire in her eyes try to erupt into something much more.
Watching her, she was breathing hard and staring me down. And all I wanted to do was just go up in my room and away from her. But I wasn't a coward and the thought of leaving pissed me off. I shouldn't have to leave, I shouldn't have to live with this shit. And though it wont last much longer now with mine and Luke's progress, it seemed too far away when I wanted her dead this very second.
"You will listen... very carefully," she said in a light voice, taking a deep breath. I noticed her hands clasped together tightened as did her whole body. Full of tension, not like her relaxed state before. It made me more tense from where I stood, watching her very carefully. "I want you out by the time you turn 18," she said to me in a smaller and more serious voice, dropping the bomb.
Her words - more than her voice - made my heart jump this time. Mainly because I was not expecting that at all. I didn't see that coming one bit but I quickly realized I should have. I knew she would want me out. I was just shocked because I was so focused with her staying loyal to Luke... I didn't think about her problems with me. Either way, it caught me off guard. And I didn't like that sinking sensation I felt in the pit of my stomach. Because I knew that she was at least a little suspicious of Luke... and if she lost faith in him, her love... she could lose any desire to hide her terrible self. And make me suffer. Especially if I didn't leave by the time I turn 18.
"I-I..." I stuttered, staring wide eyed at her. "But that's only in a few weeks. I can't leave that quickly." I said, trying to sound stable. But the fact was, I knew this was big trouble here folks. If I leave, Luke is stuck with her. He will have no more excuses to stay away from her, intimately. Even worse... if I leave, we might not be able to uncover Emily's body as quickly. Because if I leave... Clare's going to want me to move far away. Away from Luke, away from helping him, away from the evidence. And with Luke and us split up in that way, she could do something to him. It would be much easier to kill him if she was suspicious and if I was gone and out of the way - if it got to that of course. But I can see it coming to that. Everything was crumbling
"I don't fucking care," she said, leaning forward in the chair more and stressing that with her eyes. "I want you out. I'll give you up to a week past your birthday but that is all. I want you gone, out of our lives."
"What if Luke doesn't want me to go? What if he wants me to at least live here a little longer?"
"Then you refuse. Since when do you listen to what people say?" she raised her eyebrows and offered a humorous but menacing smirk. "Only for your lover boy, right?" She scoffed, making my muscles tighten. Making my teeth clench. She's always had an idea that I liked Luke in that way. Hopefully that's all and she doesn't see Luke liking me that way.
"I don't care what he wants for me. It would just be easier to stay if he wanted me to," I growled at her, shaking my head. My arms crossed against my chest, my fists clenched tighter where she wouldn't notice. I felt weak and wanted to sit down but I didn't allow myself to.
"And why do you want to stay? Hmm? To dig up your little sister since you think you now have an idea?" she scoffed and shook her head, looking to me carefully. "I don't want you trying shit around here. So I'm generously offering you something I wouldn't. And that's to get the fuck out of my life so I eventually wont kill you."
I felt my stomach turn at the mention of digging her up... At least she didn't think Luke was in on it with me, right? Right? I felt sick with her just mentioning that. That she knows I've been thinking about it. But why wouldn't she? She knew she revealed something to me about that at dinner and had the idea it could get gears spinning in my head. Just as long as she didn't think I was serious about it - or Luke - that was good. It was safe to assume that was the whole reason she wanted me out by then. Before the ground thaws. I had a feeling that if I don't leave by then, she will get paranoid. And when that happens, things will get much worse.
"What if I don't leave? Then what?"
She said it so simply... and with how connecting her eyes were, I knew she was being serious. "I will kill you."
I was getting more angry and upset by the second as I stared at her. "Hello, genius, I can't just leave," I hissed at her. I played a card - the truth we continued to stretch about me needing 'protection.' "Those people are still after me. And if I ran during them still coming after me, Luke will want to find me. He wont let me leave when there are people after me and you know it!"
"That's not my problem. Not much has happened lately with them. Maybe they realized you aren't worth the trouble. Either way, you are out. You will run. And if by chance Luke catches you and brings you back here... well, you better damn believe I'll make sure to get rid of you for good," she said.
And I was... so pissed. So frustrated. So fucking done! She wants me out, I'll leave. I'd be happy to leave. But not at the expense of Luke. Of his pride and his security too with mine. It wouldn't be worth it. I would rather her try to kill me than go away and have him stuck with her when she could be up to who knows what. She could isolate us both that way and knowing that things were crumbling... I knew not to trust her stable presence. Because she was never stable. Only now, I knew it was even worse. She would break if she knows Luke betrayed her fully. And she at least has that suspicion. She could snap and try to kill us before we get the body because she would have nothing to lose at that point. She could do a number of things, even if I was still living in the house, and it was all so risky. Every day nearing the thawing of the ground was a risk. We needed to stay in this house to get the evidence, the body. But at what cost? Luke would have to hear about this.
***
We didn't get into a fight. Neither of us were bleeding - I know, I'm so surprised, I felt the need to cut a piece of Clare off to make this more real. Nothing violent... just anger from us at what she wanted. Which was me out by 18... and there was a number a reasons of why she would want that. I just wanted to know which ones were running through her head.
Luke got home soon after we finished up that pleasant talk. And he himself was quite shocked all was well at this house of hell. I mean, Ramper was suppose to stay with me for a reason and I explained to Luke he needed to leave because of some family emergency. Luke could accept that - after thoroughly looking me over to see that I was okay though. However, though he saw I was physically okay, he could tell something was off. He could tell Clare was up to something and knew that I needed to talk to him. And that opportunity finally came when Jan called the house and invited us over for dinner to celebrate the end of our issues with the gang and the safety of her family. How ironic - of course, she doesn't know about our quest to lock Clare away.
We finally got time alone on the way to Shannon's apartment since that's where she has been staying while Mike is gone. And thankfully, Clare couldn't go. You know, because she 'wasn't feeling all that well.' Liar. So Luke and I headed over there with Jack without her. Though a relief, I knew that it wasn't. Because lord knows why.... Of course, she was never the type to want to go to his family gatherings much or stick around long enough.
Either way, it gave us the alone time we needed. I wanted Jack to come, paranoid enough about her intentions. And when we pulled up into the apartment parking lot, we were already talking. On the way, I had explained to him everything that Clare told me. All that she said and that she wanted me out after I turned 18. And along with that, I told him my theories.... How maybe she wanted me out of the picture to get rid of him. Maybe of how she wanted me away from influencing him... or out of the way by the time Spring came so I couldn't try to get her body dug up. Maybe just to make him fully hers again out of jealousy or a heavier suspicion we were together..... I didn't know. I didn't know if any of these were right. I just knew that she was serious about me needing to get out. And after I told him all this, he slowly nodded.... and accepted everything I said.
We sat there as the sun started to move lower in the sky behind the silhouetted trees around the long apartment building. And I just stared out at it in the distance from his truck window after I told him everything. My hand was moving along Jack's fluffy back as he was sitting in my lap and looking out the window with me. The heaters were still blowing as we were sitting there in the truck. Waiting for his response before we headed inside to act as if everything was okay now. According to Luke in the next moment though, everything was already okay.
"Albany," he whispered in a soft voice, getting my attention. I glanced away from the window over to where he was sitting. His coat wrapped around him with his hands folded over his chest, his sweet green eyes lighted up in mine. In worry and a caressing that made me feel at least a little less scared about this. His lips were flat as his eyes searched mine. "We will be okay. I know that sounds like BS but I know we--"
"How? How Luke?" I sighed in a soft voice, raising my eyebrows at him. "None of this seems like it will end."
"But it has. We are done with those assholes. All left is Clare. And we wont let one sadistic crazy bitch beat us when we even have the upper hand," he said, shifting more to look at me evenly. "She wants you out... and... well, to be honest, that might not be a bad idea in your case."
My mouth nearly dropped open as my eyes widened. "What?" I shook my head, not understanding. "That would be a good idea?"
"For your safety, I think it could be. But for everything overall... probably not," he sighed. "You would be away from her and safe from her. But... I wouldn't be with you. To protect you if she is trying to pick us off separately."
"Um, not to mention, if you are alone with her, who knows what she could do to you more than me? You can't be on edge and ready for her when you need to act so trusting and loving. She will get the upper hand over you if she tries something."
Luke sat there, staring at me, for a long moment. And his eyes, appealing in mine, slowly looked down and away in thought. He raised a hand up to his head and ran his fingers through his hair kinked locks. His soft hair I would love to sift my hand through.... I missed him.
We haven't been affectionate lately at all and things were still awkward. It made me very upset at myself. And it made me quickly realize... how painful it was. I didn't just miss him. I felt like I was missing a part of me. And to think... to give Clare what she wants, I would have to live far away from him. Where I know he wouldn't be safe. Where I know he would have to give himself over to her completely to keep this act up. It made me sick and sorry.
"You will be safer though if you are out of that house. That is a sure thing."
"But I wont be! I would be away from you," I said in a louder, and as pathetic as it is, more desperate voice.
He sighed and pursed his lips. He offered me a genuine look of admiration. In a soft voice, he said, "You don't need me to be safe. But don't think I would leave you defenseless if it gets to that. What if I have you living elsewhere and guarded by several officers--"
"But you would still be there. You would be trapped. And..." I sighed, looking down and shaking my head. I slowly let my eyelids close, taking deep breaths. And all I could do... was run the possibilities through my head. Of him dying from her poisoning him, of her shooting him in his sleep.... If he acted defensive around her all the time, it would raise a red flag. So he would have to let his walls down with her. And it could mean him dying if he wasn't careful. I knew he was a grown man - a cop - and can handle this stuff. But I was scared if it gets to that point for him. And that's not even mentioning the sickening reality of him having to go back to having sex with her and forcing himself to....
"Hey," he said in a quieter voice, a softer voice. One I hadn't heard for what seemed like a while. "Your safety is what matters. And it would kill me to be away from you. I'd be so paranoid and worried about not being with you.... But I would deal with it. Knowing it would be for the best if we want this shit to end. I would deal with it and you could too, you are that strong," he said. But the softness of his words and the gently tone didn't help me. I listened to his words. And I didn't like them.
"I have a reason to worry, you don't if I was gone. I would be safe but you wouldn't be," I sighed. And the impossible thought entered my head. "I...I don't want you stuck. I don't want her to control you and I know that's what will happen. I know you will end up getting raped again by her," I said, closing my eyes ever tighter. Not even allowing that picture to near my thoughts.
"You listen to me," he said, and I could feel him lean over to brush my side, getting my attention. Groaning, I looked up to him with dipped eyebrows. His eyes... loving and piercing, I took a deep breath and listened. "I wont be a victim. Neither will you," he said.
"You already are," I whispered. I shook my head. "I don't want to leave. I don't care if it would be safer for me. I just care about you," I said as I looked down and away, my cheeks flushing with anger and embarrassment and overwhelming distress over the situation. I bit my lip and shook my head at all this shit. My hands over Jack were automatic at this point... it put some of my attention on my fidgety doggy. "I told you before. I'm finished running."
He didn't say anything. I knew he couldn't say anything to make either of us get what we wanted. Because he wanted me to go away and be safer for a little while and I didn't want to leave. I ran away... over and over and over again. And from the time he arrested me to after that, he has caught me. Now, he wants me to run away from the danger. After all, he knows if I stay I could die if she was serious. And I would risk it if it meant staying with him, keeping us safe together, and a team like we have been this whole time.
"Look," he finally said and my eyes opened, staring down. "We have a few weeks... we have a little bit to figure this out. And I don't want you stressing over this. We will figure it out--"
"This is life and death, dipshit," I said in a lower and more aggressive voice, biting the inside of my lip, groaning. Did he understand that? I mean... we will figure this out because we have time? Um, no we figure this out now. A few weeks was nothing. That wasn't any time!
Instead of saying anything, he did something I didn't expect. I felt him move closer and as he did, I felt him instantly move his fingers out cup my chin until they led me up to look at him. Cupping my face and forcing me to look at him, his eyes were fire and he didn't look happy by what I said. "I know this is life and death," he said in a sure voice. "I am a police officer. You don't think I grasp the importance, the significance of this? I do. And it calls for proper planning and not a rash decision. We think it through calmly. Do you understand?" he said to me in a smooth voice, despite how firm he sounded. But it was a firmness I needed to hear. But it drove through the fact that he was right. And that we couldn't be quick about this. Especially now when it all counted as time was starting to tick down.
Staring into his beautiful and tortured eyes, I searched them... and behind his firm words and his worry I saw the love he had for me. A love I now could recognize as he stared at me with those blazing green diamonds. He was scowling slightly and he was tense. But I could see his fragileness and love for me. And though it was so scary... lately, it was all I could think about. About his love for me and the idea of returning it to him. It was quite appealing when you really think about it. The thought of surrendering myself to him was scary... but I could feel how it would be worth it at the same time.
I finally nodded, knowing he cared and was very much considering this problem in life and death matters. Knew he would handle this well as would I if I stay calm. "Yes," I said softly. "I understand," I said under my breath, blushing.
"Good," he said, removing his hand and moving back to his side of the seat. Taking a deep breath, he looked out to the apartment building then back to me. "Just forget about this for now, okay? We are here to celebrate what we have accomplished. And it's something that we need to consider when we face everything else later," he said, nodding softly and keeping my mood and his. I nodded as he continued. "But tonight, lets just have a good time with my family? Okay? I heard my mom made a cake...." he said, making my hopes spike already.
"Really?" I asked, looking at him with narrow eyes. I smiled slightly. "That makes me happy."
He scoffed slightly. "That was the point," he said as he opened the driver's side door and got out. "Lets try not to worry tonight about this." He got out as I did at the same time, holding Jack to my side as I got out as well and we slammed the truck doors shut as we headed up near Shannon's apparent building. To have a nice evening... to relax and not think about our next problem. We were sick of worrying. So we will do it tomorrow or the next day. Just not tonight.
***
"So then... how's it going with you?" I asked Jan as me and her sat at Shannon's little round table in the kitchen. Of course, that question came after she asked me the same thing. In which, I answered, 'well, nobody is dead.' I don't think she saw I was serious about that. After all, this was a dinner based on everyone being here and okay. Of this mess (concerning the gang) to be all over with. Francis was pretty much safe at this point and Luke and I were safe too from the gang.
"It's going... good," she nodded offering me a smile and for the first time, it actually looked a bit forced. Glancing over to the oven that held the time, she glanced back over to me. After all, she was the master cook here and was waiting to get a dish out of the oven when it was ready. And though it was a crowded little place too as she was cooking in this small kitchen, everyone else was engaged in their own conversation. Luke and Brooke were playing a board game on the floor in the small living room and Shannon and Francis were talking on the couch, fooling around, and holding Jack from jumping on the board game. So it gave even more of a push for Jan to speak privately with me more, which I could see she wanted to.
"Are you okay?" I asked. It felt a little weird to ask. I usually don't seek out someone to have the tell me their problems. But as I glanced down at my hands that were resting on the table, I knew I wanted to. The bracelet she and Mike gave me rested on my wrist and it reminded me that they wanted to be like parents to me. And I wanted to be like a daughter to them to an extent, even if that itself was a little strange for me.
"Yes dear, I'm fine," she said, her sweet and light green eyes appealing in mine. Those eyes... matching Luke, but only a slightly lighter shade... held a sadness I hadn't seen before. And not the kind I witnessed what she was singing happy birthday to her missing daughter. It was a smaller sadness, but one that was slow and took time. I understood a moment later. "I'm just not feeling to great today is all."
"That's apparently why Clare didn't come. That seems to be a popular excuse today," I said in a soft voice, giving her a small smile.
She sighed and chuckled lightly under her breath. Though I could tell she didn't like that I caught onto her, she finally told me. "It's just Mike is all...." she said softly with a smile.
"How often does he leave town?" I was kind of surprised that was her reasoning. Not because I was heartless and shit. But I just figured... that she was fine with it. I knew she would miss him but I mean, this was a normal thing I knew. For him to go on business trips.
"About once a year, twice occasionally. I mean, I'm use to it. It's just hard because he's... the only one I really have to connect with."
I smiled to her softly, loving what she said. It explained how she was such a sweet and caring woman. Because she always has her best friend and husband at her side. And because she was so strong to handle it when he was gone. "What about your kids?" I asked. "You know, besides Francis," I chuckled, making her crack up gently for a second before she answered.
"Well, your kids are kids. Always will be to a mother," she said, laughing softly. She glanced past me to the living room when the three siblings were. I looked behind me through the entrance of the kitchen to the living room and smiled before turning back to her. A loving look resided in her eyes. "They will always be ten years old to a mother. Always need care no matter their real age. And always need to worry about their own problems, and not mine. With Mike, he is not a kid no matter how immature he is. He is my husband and I am free to talk to him in a limitless manner," she smiled. "So I mean, I just miss him is all. But you get use to it," she said, smiling to me with her soft thin lips. Her soft hair resting against her shoulders, her warmth... I knew Mike was missing her too. And the thought... was just so foreign. And it captured my mind immediately. It made me think about Luke and how I felt that way about him. But... I never saw him as a way to complete me and be my everything in the way Jan was describing. And I realized... I might be blind. Because Luke was all of that....
I am never a up for mushy stories and shit like that. It would make me feel uncomfortable no doubt. But I was so curious. Not just because I was swayed into a fantasy by Jan's words. But because I was interested and wanted to see this prospective. "How did you and Mike meet?" I asked, sitting back and crossing my arms, smiling softly to her.
Her eyes became lighter as she let out a soft, humorous chuckle. She sighed and sat forward slightly. And told me her story, surprisingly. I didn't think just asking her would be that easy. But it was... and I was drawn in before she even started to speak. "A very sweet young man asked me out on a date," she said, biting her lip as she was about to laugh at the memories for some reason. Her eyes on the table, her mind went back and I listened intently. "And we started dating at school and such. Very sweet and loving and always complementing me. Then out of nowhere, this... very rude, cocky, but charming guy just barged in and challenged the guy I was dating to fight him. Such a bastard..." she shook her head and laughed. "My beau wouldn't fight him and just up and left, refused. And I had a bone to pick with this bastard who drove away this guy I liked. He claimed he wanted to fight him for me."
I grinned as I listened, so fascinated... and such a unusual story. I could only guess which one Mike was, the sweet guy that she was dating or the dude that challenged her boyfriend to a fight over her. I sat forward more, so interested as I rested my cheek in my hand that was propped up with my elbow. She continued with her story.
"This jerk told me that he saw me and that he couldn't let someone claim me without a fight. We were just in high school... and he was so sure he found the girl he wanted to spend his life with. I flat up said he was a crazy and an impolite jerk and wanted nothing to do with him," she smiled as her eyes lifted up and found mine from her thoughts. "He was a jerk," she laughed, shaking her head. "Would follow me and try to charm me. And in the process, he would always insult me! Say I was the sweetest girl he's ever met then the next minute call me cruel and blind for denying him. I was so mad at him... my stalker drove away this sweet guy I liked," she laughed.
I laughed with her, shaking my head. "And that rude stalker jerk is Mike?"
She nodded, looking down again with a wide grin on her face. "Um... yep," she said, popping the P and how she said it made me laugh. She grinned and sat back slightly and rested her hands in her lap. Her eyes met mine and waited for my response, which was another question.
"How did you eventually come around to him? Or did he just kidnap you and force you into marriage?" I laughed.
"Well, I was ashamed to admit to myself that though he was a jerk, he was eye candy. But it took a while for me to come around to him, regardless. He was a charmer... but he was just weird too," she laughed. "Always shouting about something that didn't make any sense," she laughed. "Getting riled up over nothing. Complaining I should have given into him by now after all his following around he did...." She laughed. "He was very sweet... but he was aggressive with any one that dared to look at me. And he had no right; I wasn't his. Not to mention, he would go up to them too and say I was his girl."
"So not a complete gentlemen?" I laughed. I could completely see that with Mike.
She scoffed. "No. Michael was... a jerk. Greedy and so cocky. He wanted me to be his. But... in that, I saw it to be quite appealing. Nobody ever gave me the attention he had. And nobody ever stood out before to me the way he did. And... we eventually became friends. Even though I knew he wanted more, I was just his friend and we talked a lot. He showed me how to have fun... and eventually, as I really got to know him, I fell head over heals for him."
"That funny," I said, meeting Jan's eyes. "And you gave him that satisfaction?" I teased her.
"Unfortunately," she sighed. "I held out for a while though."
"Were you ever... scared?" I asked, forcing it through my lips before I could stop myself. I wanted to know... and who better to ask after hearing that story? I watched her carefully and was more curious to hear the answer.
"To fall in love?"
"Yeah," I sighed, blushing. Look at me.. asking these girl questions. Ugh. Reluctantly through my pursed lips, I added, "Scared to fall in love and give yourself to him?" I mean... how couldn't she be scared, right?
She offered me a knowing smile that I didn't like. She answered my question though, which was more than I wanted. "No..." she shook her head. "I wasn't scared. I knew that... he wouldn't ever hurt me. And it never felt so good to be in love with him. Best years of my life were spent with him and I couldn't ask for anything better."
"You had no doubts?" I asked, eyebrows lowered. I offered a small smile though, surprised by her answer.
"Oh sure I did. But I knew that if something happened... where I felt like I was losing myself and control of where I wanted to be with him, I could just leave if I tried hard and got no results. You always have that option. But I never regretted it. How could I? He's my world and so are my kids."
"But..." I sighed, not sure if I wanted to keep questioning her. After all, she could probably tell by now that this was more than just an interest I held in her. She could see that I wanted this to apply to my own life, which yes embarrassing, but I wanted to know. I bit my lip and sucked it up and spoke. "I don't know, you said that if you started to lose yourself after you fall in love, just leave. What if the actual falling in love part changes you and you can't get out?" I groaned, looking down to the table and swallowing. I put it as nonchalantly as I could but I knew Jan was smart enough.
"You falling in love, Albany?" she asked quietly, smiling. And with how loud it was in the living room with the TV and talking, I knew nobody could hear. Even still... I could only shrug. She smiled and spoke again. "You can tell me what you're scared of." She offered, leaning forward and resting a hand on mine.
I looked up... and her eyes consumed me. I didn't want to tell her. I didn't want to get into the specifics. I just wanted to know her view on it. So I made it vague. "I just wanted to know your take on it is," I said, feeling overwhelmed... nervous and crazy. How did I get into this conversation? My stupid mouth. One of these days, I'll have to glue it shut.... But I was so curious, I just had to talk to her about it. Of course, her, Jan, the mother of the dude I love. If she only knew that, the lord and his BFF Satan would know she would keep her mouth shut. But she didn't. And she was telling me not caring who it was (mainly because she figured probably if I would fall for someone, it wouldn't be her adult son).
She sighed and smiled gently. "You will change when you fall in love. That's the point. But it doesn't mean it changes who you are. If he makes you happy and you have no doubt, you go with it. You go for it. And if you're scared it could hurt and it's a mistake... well, I don't know what to tell you. Love is dangerous. One of the most dangerous things out there. Because it can drive you up a wall or down a well. But it's always a leap of faith... and when you're sure it's right, you jump. And... that's what makes it worth putting up with months without Michael," she said, smiling sweetly. And at this point, I felt hot and worked up after she said that. I smiled back to her and felt myself thinking that over... and over deeply. And I knew she was right. I knew she was right. I would just have to try to convince my whole screwed up damaged mind of that.
I didn't want to think about it now though as I was talking with her. She knew something was up enough with my questions. I didn't want to think about it now with her. After all, I knew my problems weren't the only issues around here. She missed her crazy husband.
"Do you know when Mike comes back to town?"
She sighed and her smile dimmed, just slightly. "No. A few months I know. Always on business. But he must go and I know he likes it, even if he would rather be here."
"That sucks," I said. And to lighten the mood with all this 'love' talk, I said something without even thinking. "Does he at least leave a blow up doll ready for you when he leaves?" I smirked and laughed.
She flushed and I could see she didn't expect that. But surprisingly enough... she burst out laughing. Her white teeth flashing in humor as she laughed, she looked at me with wide eyes and shock. "Oh god, no. But I will tell you something," she said as she laughed harder, her face red but not of embarrassment. "He offered to get me a male version of one and said he would get a picture of his face and glue it on the face of it!" she said, sitting back and clasping a hand over her mouth as she was laughing so hard. And at hearing that he actually offered to get her one... I was laughing hard with her.
"What?!" I said, laughing so hard... I mean, my god! Mike was really considerate! Ha! Wow, that was just awesome.
She nodded as she laughed more and harder along with me - so much so it took a moment to settle down. But before we could say another word, I heard the oven ding and whatever she was cooking was ready. She shook her head, taking a deep breath and stood up. As she got up though, she patted my back and remembered our discussion. Smiling still, she said, "Don't be afraid, hon. You're strong enough to love and kick his ass to the curb if it's not what you wanted." Smiling up to her myself, thankful for all she's told me, I watched as she headed to the oven to pull the dish of food out.
I sighed as I glanced over and behind me to where everyone else was in the living room. My eyes fell on Luke right away... as I though over what Jan said. Can I trust him that much to never hurt me? Can I take that jump? As retarded as those questions sounded to me, they were important.
Luke was laying on his stomach on the floor, elbows propping him up as he was playing a board game that was before him on the floor. And right across from him was Brooke, thinking hard about her next move as they eyed up the board. But as she was looking it over, her mouth was running a million miles an hour at Luke.
"You are such a little cheater, Uncle Luke!"
"Am not!" he said obnoxiously back, making his next move on the game board. And after, he looked up to her with a sweet smile. "I think you are the cheater. Those are bad habits, to cheat. You shouldn't pick them up from your father," Luke said louder up to where Francis was sitting on the couch. And in leg distance, I noticed.
Grinning, I watched Brook chuckle at watching her father take the heat for teaching her how to cheat. And so, Francis didn't hesitate to reach his leg out towards where Luke was laying on his stomach on the floor and nudged his side roughly, making a laughing Luke lose his position and roll to his back roughly as Francis laughed, making Brooke do the same.
It was this... just normal playfulness between his family that made me feel the confidence in me rise. That this could work. I watched Luke and bit my lip, knowing he was perfect. He was because I know him and he knows me. I love him. And I knew that he would never hurt me. But there was more to it than that - there would always be. What if my love wasn't good enough? What if it isn't the same as his? What if I become weak? Even worse, what if I drag him down?
Well... you have to take a jump, like Jan said. And really, what's the worst that could happen? What's the worst? I want to surrender myself to him and felt today was a big step towards that. I knew that it was because I felt right with that idea. I was still scared... but hearing Jan helped me. I could only hope I can convince myself that this was right. Loving him fully and openly was possible. It could... even with the problems still ahead of us in time. In time. It will all come if not today - and that would include my day when I would surrender to him my love. But time was always a factor, and always would be.
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It took a little longer to upload but I was busy. I hope you enjoy it and think it was worth the wait!