April 25th, 2014
Everybody has that one person in their life that they know they trust with all of their heart. They can feel it. Whether you know who it is at a certain point in your life, or you're never able to find out, there's somebody out there. So suddenly, I realised that it wasn't just Calum who I could tell everything, too, it wasn't Luke either. If he couldn't trust me with his problems, I didn't have a reason to trust him with mine.
The person I knew I could trust was my brother.
"Greg?" I knocked on the bathroom door, knowing he'd be done using it right when I called for him.
"Yeah?" he ran his fingers through his chestnut (more like chocolate but it's brown) and sighed.
"I just, have some things I need to get off my chest," I followed his sigh. Even though he was confused that I went to him, he still agreed and we sat in my bedroom with the door closed.
"Okay, go on," urged Greg.
Before I started, I made sure I was able to comprehend all I was about to talk about and was comfortable saying it all.
"Okay," I breathlessly said. "Well you know I like Luke, a lot." Greg nodded. "Well, um, a while ago, before I told you I liked him, he told me that he liked me..." I swear my brother's eyes literally lit up. "...and we've kissed a few times."
"Oh my-"
"Shh, I'm far from done! So he came over for my birthday and gave me a proper date." I was picking at a hair band on my wrist, mostly because suddenly my anxiousness spiked. "After that, I didn't see him until a few days ago. I mean, he has a lot of problems going on but I know practically nothing, I feel. And he won't tell me. I don't know if he likes me anymore or he's trying to, and I know I'm not dating him but I don't want to be shut out when it's obvious that he's falling apart." I took a breath and let Greg process everything I had just said to him.
A few moments later, he spoke up. "It just sounds like Luke doesn't feel like he can trust anyone fully yet, especially you. But believe me, Paige, I assure you at some point he'll be able to open up to you. It's probably one of these patient kind of things. Maybe he's also scared that you'll give up on him eventually or something. I don't know him, but you make him out to be as someone who can't love themselves when others do."
I sat for a moment, letting the words sink in. "Since when did you become an expert in this stuff?"
"I think it's Hannah, she's rubbing off on me."
"Oh, yeah; how are you two?" I asked curiously.
"Honestly," sighed Greg and then he smiled. "We're great. I'm taking her on a date tonight."
"Really!?" I exclaimed. "Does mum know about this?" His face turned beet red and I was about to die of laughter.
"Yeah..."
"Don't be embarrassed!"
"I am!" said Greg, obviously defeated from the topic. "Let me embarrass you, let's talk more about Lucas, here." My brother poked my side playfully, but the next thing I knew, he was tickling me to death.
"Stop!" I giggled. "Stop! Stop!" I was gasping for air when Greg stopped but he couldn't quit laughing. "What more do I have to say about Luke?"
"Well, I don't know, like; how many times have you kissed?"
"That's not something you should necessarily but int-"
"Come on!"
"A few times, I don't know. The last kiss we had was on Sunday..."
"When he looked all dead and such?" asked Greg. I nodded and he did too. "That's it, I suck at being a supportive brother. I'm going to go get ready for my date, you should call up Luke tonight. I dare ya."
I rolled my eyes once my brother had left the room. But to be honest, having Luke over didn't seem like a bad idea. My mum was out, I'm not quite sure where but she's not dying in a ditch so that's good, and Greg had a date. So I was alone.
I didn't want to seem clingy if I called Luke, so once Greg left, I was walking around the house, debating my options.
I could,
A. call Luke, invite him over, tell him the truth
B. call Luke, invite him over, just talk
C. call Luke (yeah my options are slim), invite him somewhere else, go on another date
or D. none of the above.
Frankly, I was horrible at decision making, so setting myself up for multiple choice was a shitty idea. After wandering around the house for a number of hours- like two- I found myself looking through my mum's drawers in her bedroom.
That just showed how bored I was.
All there was, was clothes after clothes, after clothes. But when my hand hit a book-like thing in the bottom of her middle drawer, I got excited.
I held the binding carefully between my fingers, sensing that the book was older and probably more fragile. On page one, fancy cursive handwriting was scribbled all over the page, ranging from messy to neat due to the author's feelings that day. It wasn't until page five that I realised this author was my mum. And this book was her diary.
I felt wrong looking through this, but it was obvious it hadn't been used for a while. Most of the entries were boring, and about my mum and her going on a date with my dad. Just as I was about to close the book, I noticed one last entry, a different year, a different coloured pen, a different style handwriting.
Dear Diary,
Mum you're so cheesy.
Two weeks ago, my husband was in a fatal car accident and lost his life. Since then, we've all been a wreck. I've been a wreck. I feel like it was all my fault. He was yelling at me, telling me to shut up and throwing swear words left and right. Then, he tells me he's going to see her. I imagined he usually went to her when he need to get something off his chest, but I found he'd been seeing her for two years. Two years.
He went out to drink before he saw her, of course. Just a few beers yet his tolerance has always been low. It must have been that his vision was blurred, along with his fury, and he thought he was turning into her driveway, when he turned off a bridge.
Greg and Paige still don't know that this happened. All they know was that he got into a car accident. I don't know when I intend of telling them. But it needs to be soon.
Deanne.
It was one of the shortest entries. I could feel my stomach tie in knots as I choked on invisible tears. She kept this from me for ten years?! I dropped the book with a thud yet collected it and shoved it back into the drawer.
My hands were shaking. This was absolutely unbelievable. How could she do this? How could he do this? In the same drawer were clippings of newspaper articles from the accident and a letter that my dad had intentionally wrote for the girl he was seeing while being married to my mum.
I was angry at the world, a little with myself. I was struggling with getting my phone out of my pocket, but when I did, I dialled Luke's number right away. I could have called Calum, but I needed Luke right now.
"Hey, Paige," his voice was clear and cheery, something mine wasn't.
"C-can you come over?" I muttered breathlessly. I heard a shuffle on the other line and a click of a door.
"Yeah, uh, I just walked out the door. What's going on?" Suddenly, his tone was full of worry, a drastic change from before.
"I-I'll explain when y-you get here, it's j-just... I need you."
"I'm on my way." I heard a small beep, meaning that he had hung up so he could start driving, which I was glad about. I wouldn't want him in another accident on his way to see me. Two minutes later, I still felt like I was milliseconds from crying but nothing was coming out. In a way, I felt betrayed that my mum hadn't told me about my dad for over half of my life. But that didn't mean I didn't understand of why she kept it quiet.
By the time Luke showed up, I was pacing back in forth in my living room, trying to keep myself from crying but when I heard the doorbell, I knew I couldn't stop the tears.
"Paige?" I looked up at him and he was just standing, watching. "Oh, my God, what on Earth happened?" Finally, he approached me, but gave me space.
"I've been hurt," was all I said before sobbing into Luke's chest. I knew this was new for him, and most likely awkward, but he adjusted well and held me closer to him. He ran his hand up and down on my back in a slow pattern, maybe for his amusement or if he thought that would be comforting. As much as it usually wouldn't be for me, surprisingly it was since it was him.
"By who?" he asked, sitting me down on his lap when he sat on the couch.
"My mum," I sighed and wiped the tears before Luke got the chance to reach his hand up for himself. "She's been keeping something from me for ten years." I finally had enough strength to talk now, but that doesn't mean I didn't feel like crying.
"What?" I didn't realise it until now that one of Luke's hands was on my thigh, the other placed on my back, but I didn't care. "You're shaking," he said as I tried to sit next to him on the couch. When I did, I pulled my knees up to my chin and leaned against Luke while his lengthy arm wrapped around me.
"For ten years," I started in a barely audible voice, luckily the room was so quiet that you could hear a pin drop. "My mum had kept the fact that my dad was on his way to have once another affair when he got into the car crash." Luke's grip on my waist had tightened and I didn't like it. "For two years, he had been cheating on my mum before he died. And once he left our house that night after yelling at her, he drank and turned off a bridge, thinking it was a driveway." I was crying again, only because it was such a big secret to keep, and so important for me to know.
"My God," muttered Luke. I looked up at him and his eyebrows were furrowed in not thought but anger. Once he saw that I was crying, his whole expression softened and that hard grip on my waist was gone. "Hey," he whispered, pressing his thumb under my eye and swiping away the tears gently. "I'm here now, we can forget about it. Okay?" I nodded and rested my head on his shoulder.
"Where is your family?" he asked in curiosity. I shrugged.
"My brother's on a date, mum is...I don't care."
"She's still your mum, Paige. She loves you and you love her. She probably forgot about the situation, too, mostly because that's what she wanted to do. She wanted to forget so she wouldn't keep being sad. Did you do the same?" I nodded, again. "And all of this doesn't mean your dad didn't love you either."
"But he didn't love my mum."
"Sometimes that happens," noted Luke. "The couple at my second foster home weren't in love, but they stayed together because they had a family. And it's hard to do that, unless there's love for their children."
"You're right," I sighed, knowing that he had started a sensitive topic with himself. I didn't want him to always feel like his problems would hurt the rest of his life.
"Hey," he whispered as I continued sulking. Luke pulled my feet over his legs and wrapped his arm under my knees, so it was like he was carrying me bridal style almost, but sitting down. "Just a few days ago, you tried to cheer me up and that worked. So how about we talk until you forget?"
"Actually, Luke, you were the one to ask how school was the other day and that lead us onto something different." I gave him a small smile.
"And then we started kissing," he said, chuckling with a light blush on his cheeks.
"And my family was home," I cringed. He laughed a little more and then looked down on me with a small, devilish smirk.
"They're not now."
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oOoh kay, hi guys my wattpad app is being weird so i hope this is okay :3
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Brittany x