C H A P T E R | TWENTY-ONE
REPETITION & ROLLERCOASTERS
𝙲 𝙰 𝚁 𝚃 𝙴 𝚁 𝙼 𝙴 𝙺 𝙷 𝙸
HE sat there in the car for a moment before what Destini had said actually sunk in. She had slammed the car door to the Porsche and everything by the time he composed himself and realized that she was long gone inside their mansion. After the stun wore off he got out the car and the anger he was feeling began to settle in. She couldn't have been serious, Carter thought, she ain't serious.
Carter raced up the steps and inside the dark house - - everyone was sleeping except for Destini's mother who was on the couch. She'd been watching the girls for Destini while she and Tanya went to handle Aiko. When she saw Destini come inside the house and Carter come quickly after she knew not to say anything - - she knew that something was going on and she had enough of jumping into their business.
"Destini," Carter climbed the stairs as fast as he could but Destini was already in the bedroom, "Destini you hea' me callin' you!"
"I don't hear nothin'," said Destini as she grabbed Louis Vuitton luggage out of the closet and threw them onto the bed, "I don't hear nothin' - - I don't see nothin' - - all I see is me walkin' out that front door. Just walk out the door," Destini chanted to herself when she heard Carter's voice. She had been practicing this for some time now - - practicing how she would stay strong and leave him if ever she had to.
"You will not just ignore me!" Carter bellowed in the middle of their bedroom.
"I don't hear nothin' - - I don't see nothin' - - all I see is me walkin' out that front door," she kept chanting to herself, "I don't hear nothin' - - I don't see nothin' - - all I see is me walkin' out that front door."
"Destini!" He grabbed one of the carry on luggage bags from her hand and then her wrist, "Destini you hea' me callin' you!"
"I told you Carter," he looked down at her into her deep starry eyes while she looked up at him into the eyes that she'd fallen in love with - - the same eyes that had deceived her for years, "I'm leaving."
"You leaving?" He repeated and licked his lips, "You fuckin' leaving?" Carter said, "And what? What about the girls - - they leaving too, huh? Destini you ain't goin' no whea - - no whea' you hea' me."
"NO," she snatched her wrist away and grabbed her bag, "You don't hear me Carter! I said I'm leaving you and I meant it. I can't stay in this place anotha minute. All you do is leave us hea' - - you leave us hea' and you do your business out in New York and you don't give a flyin' fuck about me or your three babies!" Tears streamed down her face.
"This isn't the way love is supposed to be! This isn't the man I fell in love with! The man I fell in love with would neva' eva' hurt me the way you have, Carter - - NEVA'. He promised me the world - - that man promised me he was gonna love me foreva' and treat me right and the only thing he's - - you've - - done is hurt me."
"I fucked up - - okay I got that I fucked up but I'm sorry! I told you that shit Destini. I didn't know Aiko would do some foul shit like that and she gonna pay."
"It's not about just Aiko! Jesus Carter don't you get it by now!" Destini pushed his chest, "It's about you not givin' a fuck about every vow we said when we got married. To honor, to love, to trust, to protect, in sickness and in health til' death do us part! Tell death do us part Carter - - not til' Carter decides he wants to fuck otha' bitches! You ain't did none of that shit!"
"That's a lie."
"It's not a lie!"
"It's a lie!" He hollered back, "I made good on my promises - - fuck, I ain't fuckin' perfect, Destini but I love you ma and if you leave me I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do," he moved closer and rubbed her cheek, "You cannot leave me, Destini Mekhi - - you cannot do that shit to me."
"Always about you," she shook her head and shied away from his cheek strokes, "What about me? What about our babies? What about everything that you put this family through. Carter I didn't sign up for this shit - - I just want a normal life. I don't want no fuckin' paparazzi in my face askin' me about your business deals and the status of our marriage - - I don't want my children to have to be escorted by security guards to school because someone might try and kidnap them because of the sins of their father. I don't want bitches lookin' at me cross ways because they either fucked you or sucked you. I want a normal life - - fuck all that extra shit." Yelled Destini defeatedly.
"Clearly you aren't willing to give that to me or the girls and clearly you think that fuckin' women outside our marriage is acceptable and I don't. So maybe you should have thought about that before you went over and put your dick in that egg foo yung eatin' slut. Let go of my arm and let go of my bags," she looked him in the eyes, "I am fuckin' leaving."
"No," he said, "No I won't."
"Well you don't have a damn choice."
"Destini you ain't takin' my kids away from me," he said, "You can't take away my girls. I've been a fucked up husband - - okay ma - - but I've been the best fuckin' fatha' I ever could and you know I have. I didn't have a real fatha' so I made a promise I'd never do to my kids what I had to go through without one," he spoke calmly, "If you walk out the door with my children - -," Carter felt himself loosing control, "They'll think I just abandoned them and that's not true. Think about them, Des. Think about the girls."
"You wont manipulate me!" She cried out, "Not tonight you won't, nigga!"
"I'm serious, Des! Gotdammit don't take away my girls!"
"I can't do this right now," she grabbed her bags and tore away from Carter and then sat them outside the door, "Mama!" She called downstairs, "Can you tell some of the security outside to come up and help me with this stuff please," wordlessly Destini's mother complied and within minutes men were coming up and bringing all her prepacked bags downstairs, "We're leaving in a little bit."
"Are you listening to a word I'm sayin'?" Carter followed Destini down the hallway, "Destini, stop doin' this - -,"
"You can't stop me from doing shit - - ,"
"Mommy?" Destini turned around and saw Khloe standing in the hallway, "Mommy what's happening? Why's everybody screaming? Is it a fire drill again?"
"No baby," Destini walked up to her and stroked her hair, "It's not a fire drill but guess what I need you to do something for me," Khloe looked at Carter and then back at Destini, "I need you to go in your room and put on some clothes and wake up your sister and tell her to do the same. Get your blanket and teddy bear and whateva' else you wanna bring with you but do it quickly cause we have to go soon."
"Destini - -," Carter called out.
"You heard mommy?"
"Where we going?"
"Um," Destini kissed her forehead, "A little vacation, okay? Go."
"Don't go no where," Carter said, "Besides back in your room and back to bed. Destini I meant what I said - - look," he stood in her face, "If you are so intent on leavin' - - go. But you go alone. You're not taking my children away from me. No."
"Khloe go do what I told you right now."
Carter spoke up, "Nah, don't."
"Mommy - - Daddy."
"Listen to me," they said in unison.
Destini's mother came up the stairs and saw the whole exchange and quickly decided to take action, "Come with grandma," she swept Khloe back into her and Brooklyn's bedroom and got their things together.
Destini didn't have time to keep arguing with him so she went into Kayden's room and grabbed her Prada baby bags and put them on her shoulder and then picked sleeping Kayden up from her bed. "I meant what I said," she put Kayden's coat on and zipped it up, no time to take her out of her pajamas.
Destini went and slid Kayden's baby Ugg boots on and then put her back over her shoulder and put a hood over her head. She told her mother than in the event that Carter tried to pull the stunt he was trying to pull right now to rush the girls out of the house and into the car, that way he couldn't get them even if he tried. She ignored him following behind her while walking down the steps and outside to the truck where Khloe, Brooklyn, and her mother were already inside with the driver and the bags.
He looked in the window and saw Brooklyn laying against the window and Khloe with her face pressed against the other side of the glass, screaming out to him. He couldn't hear her but he could read her lips calling out his name. "Destini - - what the fuck!" Carter ran his hands over his fade and looked back to her, "You're really doing this? You're really - - Destini don't fuckin' do this shit, yo!"
"I've tried and I'm tired," she said, "It's to the point where it's making me sick and I don't wanna live like this. You can come see the girls. We're going to my mothers for a while."
"Look at what you're doing to them!" He screamed and pointed to the girls watching from the truck - - tears falling from Khloe's eyes and Brooklyn staring blankly not understanding why mommy didn't forgive him like she always did. She was sure that mommy always forgave daddy. They never had to leave in the middle of the night, thought Brooklyn, he always convinced her and everything was fine, "Look at this shit that you're doing to them Destini!"
"Carter I ain't done nothin' worse than what you did when you neglected them for the tramps you fucked," Destini said, "I'm doing this because I love them. They shouldn't have to live this way. Every second - - you're not hea' every two seconds when they're asking me 'mommy mommy whea's daddy - - when's daddy coming home.' So don't give me that shit, nigga. I cannot live in hell no more - - you got us secluded out here - - Carter this is HELL!"
"But Destini - -,"
"No! I gave you everything and you shitted on me! Had three of your kids, sacrificed my body, mind, and youth to raise your children and keep your house while you was out partying and having fun! ME! Why am I married and feeling like the loneliest bitch in the world! I'm not supposed to be crying in bed alone every night! I'm not supposed to be married and feelin' lonely - - trapped - - in hell! Fuck you, I'm gone. I'm tired of giving you everything and all of me and all you give me is your black Am-Ex card in return, not kisses and hugs and real love."
"So you can stay here with your money and your loose bitches. No bitch will ever love you like me, remember that. No bitch will ever fill that void once I'm gone. I am that bitch - - I'm the one and you FUCKED it all up for the last time. Only thing I'm guilty of is lovin' your ass too damn much."
"Bullshit!" Carter kicked the dirt in front of him, "Bullshit Destini!"
"Goodbye. You can come see the girls after we get settled. I'll let you know."
"Destini!"
"Carter," she said, "Goodbye," she turned her back to him and as much as it hurt, as much as the tears wanted to pour from her eyes while she held Kayden in her arms she couldn't turn back. She needed to go.
"Daddy!" Carter heard the car door open and saw Khloe run out to him with tears streaming down her cheeks and her hair blowing with the wind, running to him for dear life, "Daddy!"
"Khloe get back hea'!" Destini screamed, "Khloe!"
"Daddy!" she hugged Carter's legs and sobbed sadly, "Daddy where are we goin? Aren't you coming too? Why's mommy making us leave?" She looked up at him, "You don't want us no more?"
Carter forced his eyes away from her and his heart sank at, 'daddy, you don't want us anymore'. He told himself he couldn't cry - - he wouldn't cry. "No," he picked her up and hugged her, "It's not that I don't want you, baby - - I love you soooooooo much," Carter kissed her hair, "I love you soooo sooo much," he gathered himself, "And you and mommy and your sisters are going on a little vacation that's all - - after that we'll all be back like normal, okay?"
"But I don't wanna go. Daddy can't you come too? Please!"
"I can't - - I wish I could but I can't."
"But why!"
"Don't worry," he kissed her forehead, "I'll be there with you before you know it."
"Daddy - - don't make me go - -,"
"I love you Khloe," he said, "And I need you to do something for me," she nodded, "Make sure mommy and BK and Junior are safe and okay, alright? You're the oldest so I'm countin' on you."
"Daddy - -,"
"And one more thing," he said, "I need you to tell me - - one more time that you love me. You love your daddy, baby?" He wiped her tears, "It'll make me feel a lot betta' if you tell me."
"Of course," she said through her tears, "Daddy I love you forever and ever and ever. I pinky promise," Khloe held out her pinky and intertwined it with Carter's, "Promise you'll come soon?"
"I swear on my life I'm gonna come get you all real soon," he walked her back over to the truck as much as it hurt and put her back in her seat, "Brooklyn Joanna come hea'," Brooklyn sat on the edge of the seat and turned to him, "I love you aight," she nodded, "You gonna hold me down while ya'll on vacation, right?"
"Yeah," she nodded again, "I will," Brooklyn hugged him and Carter kissed her hair, "I love you too, Daddy." He reached up and kissed Kayden who was sleeping and whispered that he loved her in her ear.
"You're breakin' my heart ma, you know that?" He whispered to Destini, "You see what the fuck you doin'?"
"Well I guess now you know how it feels to get hurt too." Destini looked out the window as they drove away and then the tears poured like hot rain from her ducts. She couldn't believe all that she'd done - - the man she'd die for she couldn't love anymore - - the man that she had sacrificed so much for just didn't value her and she couldn't subject herself to it anymore. But still, to leave him hurt so badly.
As soon as Carter stepped foot back inside the mansion he knew how right she was. All he felt around him was loneliness. He couldn't be alone like that and didn't see how she did it either. He couldn't stay there alone.
● ● ●
She held the plastic stick up to the light and the instructions in the other hand that told her how to read it. Stoni's eyes went quickly back and forth from the pink plus sign on the applicator to the instructions in disbelief - - positive, a plus sign for pregnant and a minus sign for not.
"This cannot be right," Stoni whispered to herself, "I'm not pregnant - - I can't be pregnant," she laughed and knew it was wrong. It HAD to be wrong. She opened the bathroom door and Allison sat on her bed waiting for the results.
"What does it say? Is it ready yet?"
"I've been calling him nonstop and he hasn't answered," Stoni said as she stared blankly into space, "Why is Carter avoiding me? Is he mad at me? What happened?"
"Stoni," Allison stood up and walked over to her slowly, "You're talking weird," she grabbed her shoulders, "Honey tell me what the test says." Stoni stared past Allison and at the blank wall of the house that Carter had bought her. "Stoni, hello? I'm talking to you."
"Allison," she looked at her, "I don't feel good," Stoni dropped the test on the floor and her body went completely limp in Allison's arms - - she'd passed out. Minutes later she found herself in bed with the covers pulled around her and Allison sitting by her side stroking her hair, "You know?" She whispered up to Allison in the dimness and cuddled up to her. Allison nodded, "It's not true."
"Stoni," she took a deep breath, "I'm no doctor but you have all the symptoms. Jason did the same thing to me when I was pregnant. I know it's not what you want to hear but I think it's the truth - - but we still need to go to a real doctor and find out for sure."
"No," Stoni said, "I don't want to go to a doctor."
"You have to," Stoni shook her head at the comment, "Stoni you're pregnant and it's not just gonna go away by you wishing it away and denying that there's a baby inside you. You haven't slept with anyone else have you?"
"No," she said, "Just Carter," Stoni buried her face in the pillow and began to cry, "I'm not pregnant. That thing is lying."
"Stoni - -,"
"It's lying!" She whipped her body upward and screamed at Allison while crying a fit of tears, "That fucking thing is lying! I'm not pregnant! Okay, I'm not! So stop saying that I am!" Allison attempted to reach out to her and calm her but Stoni snatched away, "Don't touch me!"
After a few seconds Allison's face completely changed and her eyes narrowed, "So now what huh? You gonna act like a little girl and cry in bed and deny it? Stoni you weren't no little girl when you spread your legs for a married man and you're pregnant so clearly you made a grown up decision and now look at the consequences. I told you not to take it there with him and you did anyway. I told you Carter wasn't the man to be doing this whole girlfriend shit with and you did it anyway."
Allison stood up, "You ignored everything I said and look at where you are now. You can't even look at yourself in the mirror because you know the truth. Now everyday you'll have to live with looking that child in the eyes and knowing that from that you were involved in something that hurt Carter's wife and his children and most importantly you hurt yourself. You're nineteen years old, got a good gig at Julliard - - going to school getting your education and now it's all gone because of fifteen minutes of foolishness that could have been avoided."
"I love him and he loves me. He's leaving her. He wants to be with me and I know it's wrong but "
"He's a manipulator, Stoni! You're young and dumb and blinded by that image he puts up and he used you - - he used you just like he uses all the other girls he cheats on his wife with. When are you gonna see that HE USED YOU." She shook her head, "I wouldn't be surprised if he acted like he didn't have anything to do with this baby."
"He won't," she said, "He won't know."
"Excuse me?"
"He won't fucking know," Stoni said, "I'm not telling him this. It'll ruin everything - - I'm not telling him."
"You have to tell him."
"No!" She snapped, "I can't tell him," the tears ran down her cheeks, "It'll ruin everything - - I don't want that - - it's not true - - I'm not pregnant."
"Stoni wake up! Wake up little girl and see what's going on right now! Please!"
"Get out Allison," she pointed to the door, "Get out of my house! I just need to be alone - - please."
"Stoni I'm not leaving you here alone. You're upset and I can deal with that but you're like my little sister and I'm not gonna let your screaming run me away. I wanna be here for you." Stoni just cried, "Fine, I won't stay in the room but I'm going down the hall to the guest room. I'm not gonna abandon you girl - - I'm not like everyone else." She didn't respond but Stoni knew that Allison truly meant those words and as she heard the door slam she dragged herself out of the bed and slumped her body against the wall to walk into the bathroom and turned on the shower.
Stoni stripped herself of all her clothes and got inside the shower and stood under the spout crying. She cried and cried until she cried herself into a little ball on the shower floor rocking back and forth with Carter's baby very much inside of her. She knew she was right - - it would ruin everything. It would ruin her and him, it would ruin all her dreams of being a dancer, and it would ruin Carter's existing family.
Stoni couldn't believe that this was happening to her - - she didn't know the first thing about babies - - she barely knew how to care for herself. How could she be a mother when she never had one? How could she care for a child with no real job? What if Carter didn't believe her and he didn't want to take care of the baby? Stoni couldn't take it as she laid there in fetal position crying on the shower floor in a pool of water run off and occasionally lifting her head to throw up - - baby sickness. This was all so unreal.
● ● ●
The clock struck 3 A.M. when he entered the bedroom that they occasionally shared. His heart felt cold and it had nothing to do with the temperature outside. Carter wasn't understanding how his world was collapsing right before his eyes - - Destini had really left and took the kids with her. He was in a state of shock, a state of suspended disbelief and it just wasn't going away. Carter refused to stay at home alone and wallow in his sadness so he hopped in his Porsche and made his way into the city.
His expensive Louboutin loafers made their way inside the bedroom and behind him he closed the door. Carter grabbed the thumb finger of his leather gloves first and pulled off each finger, leather piece by leather piece. The costly leather of his Michael Kors gloves plopped themselves down on the nightstand in front of the digital clock and the picture of Stoni and Carter in Central Park, playing in the snow the day they had the snowball fight and the day she took him ice skating.
Carter turned his head and looked at her while she slept as he put his gloves down and took his scarf from around his neck. Lethargically he took his coat off his shoulders and let it drop on the wood floor and he stood there watching her by the bedside.
Carter took his fingertips and traced her hairline and then her cheek while he watched Stoni sleeping there with dried tears on her face. He licked his lips and busied himself with taking in her soft brown complexion and realizing that she was naked aside from the covers that she laid in. Her hair was slightly damp from the shower and all over the pillow and she was wearing the necklace that he'd bought her in Paris - - a little cute gold piece with the Eiffel Tower that she loved so much on it and Carter's initials with a heart.
He sighed deeply and shed the rest of his clothes and then went to the bathroom to take a shower. When the water hit his skin he felt slight relief from all the weight he was carrying on him but he knew it was still there. He didn't want to talk but he definitely didn't want to be alone either. Carter stood under the waterspout and allowed the hot crystal drops to rain down on his face and let the water spout cry the tears that he couldn't as a man.
The clear drops of water landed on his tanned skin and slid down the muscles in his arms and back like clear ribbon streamers. Carter's hands went to his head as he brushed his curls forward and then covered his face and wiped the water out of his eyes. He stood there in the midst of the steam, water, soap, looking beautifully tortured. He lifted his green orbs up to the light inside the shower and stared at it wondering how the fuck he lost so much control over the situation that he couldn't make Destini stay tonight - - he couldn't believe it.
Carter closed his eyes and allowed the water to run all over his face and looked behind him with a dripping, tawny face when he felt arms wrap around his waist and saw Stoni's short stance behind his tall six foot muscular frame.
He peeked at her with one eye opened and the other one closed from water and watched her as she held him close and pressed her head against his tattooed back and her arms around his washboard torso. Carter's jaw tensed and he ran his tongue over his lips still not in the mood to converse about a thing. He felt distant from the world - - from everything - - like he'd lost it all. Still, she held him to her and closed her eyes, rocking back and forth and feeling a little bit better now that he was there.
After a while he turned around and faced her and grabbed her chin and looked down at her while still standing under the spout. Stoni watched as the water raced down his body, "I missed you."
"I don't want to talk, ma," he said gruffly in his velvet elegance. Stoni sighed and looked down, honestly thinking it was better that they didn't talk with all the shit she had going on in her mind.
Carter tilted his head and kissed her lips softly at first and then after while his tongue slid past her lips and inside her mouth while his hand slid between her legs. She exhaled deeply and threw her wet hair behind her and wrapped one leg around his and one hand around the nape of his neck while he sucked and kissed her neck. Carter placed his other hand on the wall of the shower and sighed a little, he grabbed her up and there amidst the aquatic world they both stood in he held her body to his and stole kisses here and there. All the while he was trying not to come apart - - struggling not to come undone and fighting to be a man.
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