Chapter 53
We were taking our time because it was needed. We let Clare hang off him when we were watching TV as a 'family.' We let her talk about her and Luke's time together before they were married. And it was scary, just like it was when she did it before. And like when she did it before, it made us feel a little dirty, even if we tried ignoring what she brought up. After all, she was talking about him and herself romantically and in detail. We didn't need to hear that. But we put up with it, even though it made us a little paranoid.
But all of that would be worth it. We took our time until this moment tonight. To let Luke appear more comfortable with his wife. More loving with her. We wanted her loyalty and to doubt that anything suspicious was going on. And all because of what Luke was about to propose at dinner, right now, tonight.
Like it has been lately with her, she was telling a story about her and Luke going out nearly every night and doing something fun. And with every little story she told, it hurt me. Because it sounded like she was on to us. And because I knew that that same man she was talking about was the Luke I was with now. He knew it took it's toll on me. It took a toll on him. And it really... started adding tension in the air between us. We fought that tension but sometimes it just didn't work. There have been days where we were perfect and so happy. Then there were days that we just didn't talk much and were quiet around each other. All thanks to the same delightful dinner conversation. Tonight was going to be different though.
After she finished telling her story, which I had to act as if it didn't bother me, it was time to start a new conversation. Luke jumped in after she was finished speaking and his eyes met mine in a small second of hope before he spoke to Clare, who was seated at the head of the table. "Hey Clare, I actually have a way we can make those memories and nights continue. I know it's been hectic the last few months but I have this idea," he said to her. His eyes appealed to hers and he grasped her hand in his where they rested against the table together. Being pretty much finished with dinner, I pushed my plate to the side and rested my elbow on the table, my hand supporting my chin as I looked between them. And as I watched... I just prayed she would stay cool. She would either accept it, suggest something else, blow up and say no, or even call Luke out that he knew about Emily's body. Either way, we figured that last one might be a little obvious to her and most likely to happen. But we hoped not. After all, she was still loyal in some ways.
Clare raised an eyebrow at him and squeezed her hand back. Offering him an adoring smile... ugh. "Sure honey, that would be great. What is it?"
I got ready to act surprised. After all, this was all Luke's idea and I had no clue about it. At least, that's what it had to look like to her. I had to act like this was the first time I was hearing this. Then, because I didn't need to hide from Clare that I knew about Emily, I would maybe rub it in and push her. Just because if I didn't, that in itself might be suspicious. She knew that if I was just finding this out, I would be ecstatic and would show it.
Luke took a deep breath and offered her a shiny grin. "Remember I said a while back that installing a pool would be a great idea? Well," he said, and with his free hand, he dug the piece of paper we worked on yesterday from his pocket and laid it out in front of her. It was a blueprint, a picture, and within it was hope that this could tell us the area Emily was buried. Looking up to Clare, her eyebrows dipped in confusion then... realization and her eyes went wide. Wide and full of fear. I bit my lip, not knowing what she would do. "I drew this up with a man I talked to. He could give us a good deal and install it. But I wanted to know where we should put it...." he said to her. And when she looked up from the paper, pale as all hell, she met his eyes. And they just stared at each other for a long moment and it made my heart jump. Just go along with it.... It was time for a typical reaction from me.
"Oh my god!" I said, leaning forward and looking at it. I turned the paper so I could look at it. I looked up to Luke, smirking. "So we are really getting a pool?" I asked him excited, and with that excitement, I glanced over to Clare, who looked petrified. Her eyes met mine and I gave her my own smirk and knowing look. "Would you look at this Clare... a pool. But I'm sure you have an issue with that, don't you?"
Luke turned his eyes towards me and raised a brow, confused as he gave me a questioning look. After all, he had no clue what I was talking about, remember? He 'brushed' it off and looked back to Clare, smiling sweetly to her. "So... what do you think?"
"Uh... w-well we didn't really discuss this Luke," she said nervously.
"Good excuse, mother," I said, rolling my eyes and I knew remarks like that would just push her to try to act as if this wasn't a problem for her.
"I didn't say that this was a bad idea, Albany," she said to me, moving her eyes and giving me a slight glare before her eyes found Luke's again. I tried hiding my smile at seeing this heading in a good direction. "I'm just... surprised is all."
"Well, I mean, I brought it up before. And like I said," he said in an intimate tone, running his thumb over her hand and giving her a suggestive look. "I would get to see my sexy wife in a bikini. What could be better than that?"
It was awesome acting on his part that I think really persuaded her to go in the direction on letting this happen. She chuckled uneasily and blushed a little, making my eyes shine in hope. However, there was also a good chance she knew what we were doing. Especially with the little map we drew up. Her eyes narrowed just slightly on him though when she nodded slowly. "Okay... well, can I see this picture?" she said, reaching over on the table and grabbing it. She looked it over and took a deep breath. Her lips pursed in distress. But that's all she would give away.
"Is there a problem mother?" I asked, grinning at her.
"Not at all," she said instantly back. That look of menace aimed at me looked over to Luke. It slowly faded... but a knowing look was in her eyes and it made me cringe. "This is where you want to put it in?" she asked him calmly. The picture was of the backyard. With a big circle right in the center of it. And if Emily's body was anywhere within that circle, she would want the pool moved. That was the whole point of this. Trying to find where exactly the body is.
"Well, this is just an idea. I wanted to ask you if there was anywhere else you would want it," he put casually. And if it was anything but casual, it would have been blown for us. Hell, she might already have a good idea what we were trying to do.
I kept my mouth shut. My breath held and I watched her carefully as she was frozen. A normal expression on her face, I knew her mind was racing. Either with ways to get out of this or maybe trying to figure out if this was more than just installing a pool. "Why would there be a problem with where it's placed on the map?" she asked Luke, smiling.
Luke smiled to her but we knew Emily had to be somewhere, even if partially in that space. It took up most of the yard. I think she was trying to play dumb with this. See if we would push to have it moved. "That sounds great," he told her. "No doubt this pool will be put to great use," he said, clearly not acting distressed.
There was a long moment of silence as I stared at them. Clare could feel my 'smug' stare but really, my heart was beating fast. "Well... now that you mention it," she said, looking over the sheet. "If it was installed to the right a little more, it wouldn't be in the center. So there would be at least some room in the backyard if we moved it to the right. But I mean, it's just a suggestion. It's not needed," she said, her eyes never leaving Luke. And... to be honest, I was quite shocked. I thought the result would be her completely dismissing the idea of a pool to begin with. But she didn't. And either because she didn't want me to get that satisfaction or because... she had something else planned that wouldn't let this happened. Even more of a possibility was that she would run away or leave or do something before that time comes. After all, it was still technically winter.
To the right, she says. The means the body is probably on the edge of the property on the left side of the yard. And knowing that, it would make finding her that much more faster. It was very exciting... but very nerve wracking. Clare was most likely on to us even more now. But then why would she agree to the pool? And she knows she even made the knowledge known, to me anyway, the general area of where the body is since she suggested the pool goes to the right.
It just seemed so off... but I didn't question what she said. She was telling the truth of needing it to go to the right a bit. If she didn't say that, we would end up installing a pool over the body and end up discovering it if we put a pool in. And if we didn't want to discover it, Clare needs us to install it on the right side of the yard.
"Well, we will see how it goes," Luke said nonchalantly, looking back up to his wife. "Either way, I'm getting you in a bikini," he said, laughing and smiling sweetly to her. "Then maybe out of one," he mumbled under his breath, looking away from her teasingly and though I didn't care for his words, I smiled. I knew he was selling it and he was doing great.
She playfully slapped his arm and the concern was off of her face. Watching her carefully, I knew that she was still distressed and anxious about the whole pool thing. I could see it in her eyes. And it gave us hope. She didn't look so smug anymore like she does when she tells me those stories about her and Luke. We could only hope... and I knew that this was a big step. We now knew where to look. All that was left was to let the ground thaw... and it would be digging time when that happens.
***
I headed up to bed sooner than I usually go to bed. They were busy doing the dishes and cleaning up and I went in the shower. But right after, I headed to bed and snuggled deep into my covers with Jack. It wasn't long though after that I heard my bedroom door open where my back was facing. My eyes staring at the wall as I laid on my side, I sighed and heard the door close a moment later. My hand running over Jack, petting him, I heard my floor creek as I knew Luke was nearing the bed. And a moment later, I felt the bed dip slightly and knew he was sitting on the edge in the dankness. The moonlight shinned in through my slightly opened blinds and ran the lined patterns over my pillow and bed when my eyes fell to the covers.
A moment later, I felt another movement as the bed shook more and the covers shifted. I could tell he got under the covers with me and though I didn't turn around to face him, I felt his arms circle around me. His touch... arms slipping under my body and wrapping his arms around to my stomach, holding my back to his chest... I sighed. I moaned and rested back against him, even though I could feel a slight tension between us. Like I said, it was present more often than it wasn't lately for us.
"We did it," he whispered huskily in my ear. I nodded in response and with that, I felt Luke softly turn me around in his arms. I was now laying on my side again, facing him in the darkness. But with the moonlight, I could see his face perfectly as he faced me laying on his side too.
"We did," I sighed, looking down and away from him.
"Albany," he said in a hurt voice. I felt his fingers brush my cheek and he grasped my chin softly, turning my face up and eyes to look into his. "I'm tired of this," he whispered.
"You're tired of it?"
"I mean, I'm tired of her attempts of trying to make me feel guilty and make you feel weird when she talks about that stuff at dinner that happened in the past. I told you, there was nothing I can do about it. And... I'm tired for a completely different reason," he whispered, making me slightly confused.
I sighed, and shook my head. "I think I'm at the point where I just don't care anymore about what happened in your past. I don't like hearing about it though," I mumbled, tucking my head into his chest and breathing in his sweet scent. "And... it makes me so sick to know that you can talk sweetly to her and you can't to me in front of people."
That really got a reaction out of him and he sat up slightly, propped by his elbow against the bed. I sighed. I shouldn't have said that... sounding like such a cry baby. I just need to start sucking this shit up and stop feeling like a vulnerable little girl. Yes he was married to her and was always returning her sweet complements. It was an act. I knew that. It made me mad that this is taking forever to finish when all I want is to stop hiding everything between us. And even then, we would probably still have to try to hide it.
His hands moved up instantly and cupped my cheeks. He tilted my head up to stare into his eyes, pressed even more against him as I felt his body move closer to mine as we laid on our sides. "Sweetheart," he said in a begging voice, eyes pleading and looked sorry for making me suffer. I knew it wasn't his fault; I just meant I was sick of all of this. "You're the only woman in my life I want to flatter and say sweet things too. You're the only one that I want to call mine. Do you understand that?" he said in a pleading voice, biting his lip as he tilted his head down and looked deeply into my eyes. "She gave us what we need. We know where to look now. Do you know what this means?" he gave me a gentle smile as he shook his head. "That you and I will be free, and she will gone. We wont ever have to deal with her again."
"I know, I know," I nodded, sighing. "I didn't mean it like that," I said up to him. "I sound like such a bitch. What I meant was that I'm-I'm just so sick of all of this."
"I know you are," he said, nodding. "And I'm sick of all this tension. It's her fault and can we try to just ignore everything that she says?" As I nodded to him, I saw he wasn't finished. "I'm sorry it makes you uncomfortable. You're not a bitch because it bothers you. Okay?" He asked, running his thumbs along my cheeks. And with that, I felt his wedding band again. And like every time after we are out of Clare's sight, I reached up to his hand and grasped it. I slid his wedding band off and dropped it on the bed, biting my lip as I came to stare back up at him.
I nodded, taking in his words as I felt his hands move up and wrap in my hair. It sent tingles along my body as he moved me up closer to him. Oh, he felt so wonderful... against him, his caressing aroma, and his breath that made mine hitch. I took a deep breath and wrapped my own arms around him as I stared up into his gorgeous green eyes that sparkled in the moonlight. "Sometimes, I feel you're the only one that keeps me together," I whispered. "You're the only one...." I sighed as I felt his head raise slightly. He pressed his moist sweet lips against my forehead as he twined his fingers in my hair.
My own hands slipped up his back and wrapped in his hair too... and after he moved away from my forehead, I softly gripped his soft hair and led his head down more. Until his lips brushed just against mine. And lately, we haven't really kissed after a night of talking about their past. Luke didn't question it and I even think he understood because he was feeling dirty too. But tonight... I didn't care. I pressed my lips up and against his and let what happened slip away. No Clare, no talk about the past, and just forgetting about the pool and our worries... there is just him. It should always be just him.
I craned my neck up to him and my lips moved slowly over his. And that tension eased slowly away as our lips tangled. And our bodies too as I wrapped a leg up and around his. His hands in my hair stroked my locks as one rubbed up and down my back, making my body relax against his. Relax and tingle in want, in overwhelming pleasure just to be here with him. My lips wrapped up in his as my mind was wrapped up in this moment, making me almost dizzy. My closed eyes... I could feel my eyelashes almost brush against his smooth skin of his cheeks as his head tilted up slightly. His lips parted mine and our tongues twined... our breaths soothed each others skin through our noses. Our hearts beat against each other. I moaned softly against his lips and felt Luke start to move his mouth back slightly. Just so he could kiss along my cheek and just below my ear. I moaned softly once more and arched myself against him.
"Don't ever leave me," I moaned, so tied up in him. In his sweetness, in knowing how much I loved him. I couldn't ask for anyone better than him. Of course, this whole time, I clearly didn't realize the extent the words I was thinking could go. Especially when he said the most beautiful but heart breaking thing I've ever heard him say.
"I can never leave you. I'm in love with you...." Luke said in a shaky voice in my ear. And the words... made my eyes shoot open. Made my heart stop. And it made me retrace every step I've ever taken with him.
My breath hitched - but not because we were kissing and holding each other. I could feel my parted lips start to tremble - in shock, anxiousness, and, and... everything in between! I felt him against me sit up slightly and his eyes met mine, begging, and filled with love. And love that I didn't even think could be there before. His eyes were suffocating me. His lips were in a line but he was so open... and desperate to see my reaction to his words. He couldn't be to impressed I was sure.
He loved me... I was hoping I didn't hear that right but I know I did. I didn't want this... and I know it sounds selfish but I wasn't ready for this. And when he said it... my mind was flashing with visions I never bothered to ponder before. Of what the word love means. Of how vulnerable it can make a person. To admit it and have the person you are in love with know it.... Love is dangerous. It's very dangerous. And I could deal with it knowing I loved him. But not when I know he is so committed to me. That he... he loved me too.
"Albany," he whispered against me. He raised a hand from my hair and brushed the side of my cheek. "I love you," he said again in a deep and shaky breath. He closed his eyes for a long moment, like he was just accepting that he said that to me.
I stared at him. And felt so... so fucking wonderful. I felt ready to cry and give myself to him and tell him how much I loved him too. I loved him so much. I loved him. I did. But... it was such a reality check when he said those words. The actual meaning of love. The word is constantly distorted. Everyone loves everything. But this was a different love, and I could tell so by the feeling in his voice. So much, so much love, and I knew that if I said it back... I wouldn't feel safe. I would feel so completely vulnerable. In a good way or bad way, I can't say. I felt too scared to find out. And that was the heart breaking part. That I loved him but I just- just couldn't tell him. Because I didn't want to break. I didn't want to fall to pieces when it I knew nothing lasts. I can't tell him.
I admitted it to myself over and over and I fully meant it. That was internally. I cross a line if I say it out loud. And if I fully except what it means. Because how I could know? How did I know if his love was the same as mine? I knew I loved him so much... but I'm a damaged person. And I know that my love can't be as strong as his is since this feels like the only love I've ever felt. And since he's had so much love in his life... it must mean much more to him. So you see... I can't tell him I love him if it's distorted by my perception. I loved him. But maybe not in the way he loved me. I had no way of knowing. And it was freaking me out.
I felt my body shaking and my eyes were nailed to him. I felt him hold me closer to him, more desperately. And I just wanted to drown in him. Drown away together and live in our love. But my love couldn't match his. And if it could... that's even more dangerous. Nothing lasts. At least, I was convincing myself of that with every silent second that was passing us.
"Baby, please say something," Luke whispered, nearly begging me. And my attention snapped back into place.
I felt my eyes start to water and my breath turned faster. My heart picked up and I didn't know how to slow it. He can't love me. He can't when my love for him will never be enough. When it would all end. When I am so scared... because it was a form of vulnerably to that person. I am willing to do anything for him. If I admitted I loved him, who knows - I could be stuck. I-I could trap him with me. He can't give this much. Because I didn't know if I could even return it like he could. Oh my god. What's happening? My reasons for this weren't even straight. I just knew I couldn't tell him I loved him back.
"I... don't um.... I don't even know what to say," I choked out, biting my lip as I stared up into his saddening eyes.
A hurtful look crossed his face and it killed me. It would hurt us both even more though in the long run I was sure if I told him I loved him. "I don't want to push you," he said, voice cracking in a way that made my heart follow suit. "I've waited for so long to tell you. And I thought you were finally ready to hear that." He swallowed. "Please tell me you are."
I just stared up into his eyes. Lost and wanting to stay that way. I felt stuck and I felt like such a bitch. I loved him. I love him so much. But there were so many issues with that. Even when they weren't clear enough to be valid, my body knew it was an issue. I was shaking harder and felt my insides ache. In want to tell him back but in want to also stay hidden from that part. My eyes fell from his and my breath picked up. "I-I'm sorry!" I belted out and winced as I spoke.
"For what?" he asked softly.
I choked out the first words I could think of and it hurt him more than I meant it to. "Please don't love me."
"Excuse me?" he asked in a dead and cracked voice. "What?" he pleaded. "You don't want me to love you?"
I shook my head and my breaths came out harder, louder, and I felt a tear escape from my eye. My throat burned and I felt that lump buried deep start to raise. Before I could try to explain - and probably fail - Luke spoke again. This time in a harder voice.
"Well I got news for you. I can't take it away. I love you, you confused girl," he said deeply and it made me sigh. His arms tightened and I was forced to look back up into his tortured jade eyes. He looked almost as much of a mess as me at this point. His eyes were wide and he was shaky himself. He was upset and he was in love and he didn't know why I was having the reaction I was. "And I know you love me. I know you love me. You don't need to be afraid."
"You don't know anything," I said, biting harder into my lip. "I have every right to be afraid. You-You- can't.... you can't just say that to me," I said, cringing as I felt a few more tears escape.
"You're telling me you didn't see this coming?" he asked, louder and slightly aggressive. "How couldn't you have seen this coming? You know I'd do anything for you. You know I want to be with you and that you're all that I care about. How can't I be in love with a woman like you?"
I sucked in a hard breath and tried looking down. But his hands that cupped my cheeks wouldn't let me. He stared deeply into my eyes, begging and hurt and full of love I was so afraid of. "I didn't see it coming--"
"That's you're problem," he said in a small hiss. "You don't think ahead. You don't consider the past and apply it to where we are now. How much we have been through, how much love we have already experienced... you didn't even ponder for a second that we could be more than this?"
"I... I... no!" I said, shaking my head. Because I didn't think about it. I thought about our future. About living with him one day, far from this reality, and how great that would be. But I never wondered if he loved me. Because it was so scary and seemed so... unreal, that thought. Who loved me? Nobody ever did. So why would I wonder if he did when nobody else could in the past? That was part of the reason this was so scary for me. "I didn't think about it. I didn't think about you maybe loving me. It was never an option."
"Why?!" he said in anger, frustration, and was begging still. "Why was that never an option? Because nobody ever loved you before? Well you better fucking rethink that. I love you... Albany. And it makes me sick... because I can never get enough of you."
I felt my head dip lower and try to cringe away from him. But he wouldn't let me. His eyes still buried themselves in mine and it made a few more tears fall from my eyes. He looked so sorry and so frustrated at the same time. "I... I don't, don't know wh-what to... uh," I sighed, closing my eyes and feeling myself get lost in my thoughts. It was so scary... to know he loved me. It's like it came out of nowhere! I was not expecting this tonight! To him, he thought it was expected at this time. Sorry if I didn't fucking know!
"I know you love me, sweetie. And... I know you are afraid. You feel vulnerable. But it's not! Love isn't being weak. I feel so strong when I'm with you. And I... I suppose I understand if you never considered this if it never happened before. But I don't... what I don't understand is... why else this is so hard for you. Even before, when you were talking with Francis, you wouldn't admit that you loved me. Why is that so hard for you?"
"What?" I asked, alert that instant and confused. Especially when he brought up Francis. Because how would he know Francis and I were talking about this? How would he know that and that I wouldn't tell Francis I was in love with Luke.
Luke's expression froze, at realizing what he said. He didn't pause for long though. He sighed and gave me a sorry look as he started to explain. All the while I was just... shocked. For more reasons than one.
"I meant to tell you. But... do you remember that night? Francis called the house phone. And... you yelled for someone to get it because it was ringing for a long time. Well... I did get it. I picked up the phone just after you apparently had. I was going to hang up and let you two talk but... I didn't. I stayed quiet and listened. Because..." he sighed. "I mean, I thought your friendship with Francis was always so... interesting. So I listened in and I didn't mean to. I was about to hang up but then... then my name came up. And Francis pointed you out. He said that you love me. And you wouldn't admit it. You never said you loved me, even when he pointed it out. But you also never denied it either."
"You... listened in," I stated. And he can bet I remembered that conversation. Francis called to tell me I needed to get away. Because the gang were planning to eventually come after me. Only I refused to run. I said I would stay and fight this time. Francis called me out and said it was because of Luke I was staying. That I loved Luke. And I didn't respond much to it.
Recalling it took a second. Accepting that Luke was listening in... took a little longer. Because... who would do that? That was none of his business - well at least the part about him and me. And that was.. a long while ago. Before he and I were even together. My eyes widened at him and I felt tremors of just... anger roll over me. I didn't do anything. He says he loves me, put's me in a tight spot, and now he tells me he listened in on one of my phone calls. Was there more?
"Who do you think you are?" I asked, moving away from him and out of his grasp. I sat up in bed as I stared down at him, wiping away the cold tears. My eyebrows dipped and eyes narrowed on him. I watched him sit up with me and stare at me, looking ashamed himself. And the tables were turned.
"Look, I'm sorry I listened in. I didn't mean to. But that's not the point. The point is... you have had this problem for a while. Accepting love and admitting it. And I... I love you. I don't want to push you into saying it back. I just... I realize that I just needed to tell you I love you," he said looking away, and blushing hard. Embarrassed. And I would be too. But I was pissed off at him.
"Well let me tell you straight up. If I happened to love you right now - which who knows since I didn't make things clear over the phone - it's shit like this that makes love seem like it's not ever worth it!" I hissed at him, breathing harder and pissed off. I didn't mean it - and he knew that. But I knew it still hurt him. Because he admitted he loved me. And not only did I not say it back, I was giving him shit. But I couldn't help myself. I didn't realize it then but I took his mistake of listening in and was using that as an escape. As a way to get out of this hole and turn it around. It was wrong. But I was so scared... and now pissed, I didn't know what else to do.
"I guess I'm sorry I tried to open up and tell you how I was feeling!" He hissed back at me, moving back and towards the edge of the bed. In the shadows, he stood up and flicked the lamp on. He didn't even meet my eyes with that scowl as he went to my closet. He pulled out the blankets and pillow to sleep on the floor.
I rolled my eyes and I felt my tears want to return. At knowing I just wanted to tell him I was sorry. Another tear slid down my cheek and I sighed, watching him make his bed on the floor. "I mean," I sighed. "What did you expect from me?" I put calmly.
"Not this," he murmured, laying out the sleeping bag and blanket over it as his mattress. His eyes were down, cheeks red, and lips tight. "Sometimes, I just don't fucking get it," he muttered and chuckled slightly, humorlessly.
Groaning, I rested my head in my hand and closed my eyes taking a deep breath. But his voice broke through the silence and reached me. "I don't know why the hell you are so upset. But when you are ready to face your fears, I'll be here," he said, in a more sorry voice but I could still hear the agitation in his voice. I didn't blame him for that at all.
I gave a slight nod. And I knew I should have apologized. I was being such a bitch and I was already sorry. But... I mean, he should know better. Right? He knows I'm fucked up? That I can't tell him I love him? It would be a mistake and it would only hurt him more. Because this was the first time I was really thinking things on the long term scale... and it didn't look good. Everything ends, as depressing as that sounds. Especially for a girl who doesn't know how to express feelings and show love like he does. For me, who doesn't want to be weak and trapped. For him, who I feel I would be trapping him too. Love... such a funny word. And such a span of problems, as it was clearly showing.
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Big chapter guys. What do you think will happen now?