Serilda
Do you know what does Serilda means?
No. Well, don't worry I will tell you. It means armoured battle maiden.
My mother named me Serilda because she wanted me to be strong, bold and be able to do big things. She had expected so many things from me but sadly I never got to do those things.
Why? I will tell you. Hear this carefully.
I have a sister, an elder one. We had a gap of four years. I had always looked up to her. She was what you say, a wild child. Always getting in troubles, fighting and running. She was the queen of herself and it had always attracted the younger me. She would tell me about what all she did over the weekend where she went and what were her future plans. She was the best sister I could have asked for. However, as I started worshipping her I started hating my parents, especially my mother.
Well the younger thirteen year's old me couldn't understand what my mother said. I hated her always trying to not let me do things, like no going out, dress properly, don't slouch, always be presentable the list can go on and on. She hated my eating gum and had punished me because of it. I couldn't understand why was she being so mean to me. My sister was allowed to do all those things when she was growing up why the hell was I not allowed. I revolted I stuck gum in her hair and called her a bitch and yelled at her that she was the worst mother ever. I know you want to hate me for that well I hated myself too. I felt bad later and when that night I went in search of her to say sorry I found her in the garden crying.
She silently wept and had cut half her hairs because of the gum I had stuck in her hair. I heard her sob and it was the most heartbreaking thing my thirteen-year-old mind had seen. I had found myself crying too. I went to her and said sorry many times but she didn't look at me. She told me to go away in her low crying voice. It broke me. I sat on my knees and cried with her. I apologised many times and told her she was the best mother, that I was the wrong one and I will never say such words again. It took me exactly three days to get her forgiveness but I had to trade the rebellious me. I had promised her that I would become the daughter she wanted me to be. I stopped looking at my sister because it hurt me to know that I won't be able to be like her. My sister went on with her life she was growing and going to parties and school. I started seeing less of her with the upcoming years but knew of the things what she did from my friends. As years went on I shielded myself in books because that was the only best thing left for me.
I didn't go out. I studied hard, went with my mother where she wanted me to. Wore the clothes she chooses for me, had my hairs as she deemed to be the best. My wishes never got to see the daylight or breathe in the air it was always her wishes that lived. I had her attention when needed and for the rest of the time, she was busy trying to get hold of my sister or trying to make her see sense. Her attention on me started to lose, well don't get happy. It wasn't like I got the reign's over my life people. It was just that my mother stopped smiling at me when I got good grades. She wasn't there for me when I gave my first dance performance, my volleyball games, it felt like I lost my mother. My parents were never there to cheer me. I had expected that from my dad but not from my mum. Why you ask?
My dad was either deep in work or trying to get my sister out of trouble or in other words trying to keep things from my mother about my elder sister. My mum, she got busy and I got pulled into my boring life to the point where I felt I didn't exist. When I turned seventeen I didn't even get a present, not even a wish for them. My elder sister got into a scandal in her university around that time. She was caught with illegal things on the campus with the others,my parents rushed off to save her. I couldn't get out and have birthday blast why? The behaviour of being a good daughter got ingrained in me and it took another two years to be able to get out of me. When I got to go to the university I wanted my parents but they didn't come to see me off. My parents had to go and meet with my elder sister's boyfriend. My first year of university I enjoyed my life. I dated you know. I got to do date and flirt a bit with boys and go to the bar. God, I felt like I was on cloud nine. I didn't partied hard or got drunk or became a slut or had drugs. I just enjoyed the small happiness I got from able to control my life but then came the second year and my mother just came back in my life that too overnight.
I hope you know what happened then, I lost control of my life. I tried to argue with her for once in my life again and got shut up when she made me remember the time when I had broken her heart. I lost my life again but this time even my dad got into my life. Why the hell did it happen? I had to tell them about what I did, where I went, whom I was dating and suddenly I started hating dating or going out. My parents got too deep in my life. They tried to got to know every guy I dated. My facebook was being stalked by them. They got a spy over me, forced me on blind dates and I hated every second of it but I couldn't say a thing to them. The topic of how I treated my mother came on the top of the list every time I tried to say no to anything.
But then I started liking a guy, we met on my parents forced blind date. He was the brother of some guy my mother told and the rest I didn't know. I got shy in front of him. I thought maybe I could find my happiness now. I stopped caring about the wild side that I saw in my sister. I concentrated on the present. I had already lost most of my friends. I was lonely but I felt a different get of happiness in it. Things were changing for me. I was starting to like it. Maybe it was because of him or I had just given up on my fight to live or it was just because I was liking it.
However, things changed once again. One morning changed it all.
My elder sister changed it all.
Once again everything seemed lost. The emotional side of my parents came up, more like emotional blackmail side of them. I was forced by their emotional blackmail to step into my sister's heels and life. I dropped out of college and things changed for me forever I should say.
I thought maybe things could get better for me but they didn't all because of my elder sister.
You might think why do I always say elder sister and never her name.
It is just because I hate her.
Her name is like a disease to me.
She wasn't the sister I worshipped.
She had ruined life of mine.
She was evil.
All I was doing from oast few years was waiting for the chance to pay her back while I lived a life of misery. A life where I didn't have anything. I couldn't share anything with my parents because they just got over me. I was living a life that wasn't the one I had imagined. I wouldn't want such a life even for my enemy. The life I lived went beyond the imagination of my mothers.
I could never become someone's first.
My sister always came first.
Her needs came first.
Her troubles came first.
Her pain came first.
Her happiness came first.
And even for him, she came first.
She got all the first and happiness while all I got was nothing or the leftovers.
I never came first for anyone.
My happiness never came.
All I knew was being second.
I never came first even when they said I had it all.
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Hope you liked it.
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Fingers crossed.
Love you all !!